Dying Alone

[easysurfer]

We don't have kids either. We've gotten close to all our neighbors and have good friends from childhood, not that they would be responsible for us. We're letting our nieces and nephews know they are our beneficiaries, so they might care for us if one of us is alone. I fear that state guardian issue presented in one of the threads. That said, there are many elderly with children who do not keep in contact with relatives or parents. I guess everyone is alone to some extent. Blood relatives are not guaranteed to care about family members in need.

I almost died when I was in high school and strangely my parents and family were the furthest thing from my mind. Like you're a part of a much bigger family or universe. Sorry, I'm getting spiritual here, even though I'm agnostic.

+1 about the blood relatives not guaranteed to care about family members in need. I think seeing how they reacted with previous members who were in need or died is a good indicator on how they'd act when your turn for help.

Don't want to steer this thread off course, but sounds like you had a NDE. Interested about the bigger family or universe part. I don't mind you sharing if you wish to. If not, totally understood too.

 

[pablo]

Not exactly dying, but I'm reminded of family members and friends who have faced some serious health issue and have had family that were advocates for them as they faced treatment related issues, helping to navigate the system and to secure the kind of treatment that was required.

More than once I've commented about how difficult this must be when there is no one to go to bat for you.

I think that securing suitable LTC when needed is a similar issue. What happens if there is no "advocate"?

I had a close friend who drew a bad hand from the deck of life and had a terminal illness in his 40's. He was in and out of treatments and hospital facilities for the last two years of his life. He happened to be a senior executive at a hospital. His personal relationships with the heads of the hospital departments helped navigate his treatment in a way that would have been impossible for you or me. Yet, even with his top-notch, head-of-the-line treatments he suffered terribly, tortured actually, the last six months of his life. A few weeks before he died, while in the hospital, he asked me to put the pillow over his head and suffocate him. He begged me to do it telling me it was humane and would be easy for me since he had no strength left. That was arguably the worst moment in my life. I didn't do it and he died soon after from his disease. I still have occasional nightmares about that day and my friend's suffering.

 

[Nemo2]

he asked me to put the pillow over his head and suffocate him. He begged me to do it telling me it was humane and would be easy for me since he had no strength left. That was arguably the worst moment in my life. I didn't do it and he died soon after from his disease. I still have occasional nightmares about that day and my friend's suffering.

The ultimate lose-lose...a horrible situation for both of you to be in. I hope I never have to face something like that.

 

[GrayHare]

This is not a fun topic but some form of exit awaits all of us. I'd like to see physician-assisted suicide made legal in more states. Boomers are running out of time for that to happen.

 

[Teacher Terry]

A good friend of mine survived stage 4 ovarian cancer 7 times and then got dementia froma ll the chemo. Then her DH got terminal cancer. She had no kids and his kids did not live in town. For a year we helped them stay together in their home, drove them to all appointments, etc. I had him sign papers to appoint me as guardian because being a ward of the state is terrible. As a previous SW I knew this. Eventually we can't do it anymore and his son takes him in to die with hospice care and I put her in a home. All of her friends had long before abandoned her during some of the cancer treatments. I was the only friend she had left except one out of town that called her once in a while. I had to put her in a facility an hour drive from me because she only had so much $ and that would not pay for anything decent in this area. We went every week for a year and then tapered off to every few weeks as she did not know us anymore and it took most of the day. the home called when they thought she was dying and we rushed up there. She really suffered that last year and a half of her life between the dementia and cancer coming back.

 

[Rianne]

A good friend of mine survived stage 4 ovarian cancer 7 times and then got dementia froma ll the chemo. Then her DH got terminal cancer. She had no kids and his kids did not live in town. For a year we helped them stay together in their home, drove them to all appointments, etc. I had him sign papers to appoint me as guardian because being a ward of the state is terrible. As a previous SW I knew this. Eventually we can't do it anymore and his son takes him in to die with hospice care and I put her in a home. All of her friends had long before abandoned her during some of the cancer treatments. I was the only friend she had left except one out of town that called her once in a while. I had to put her in a facility an hour drive from me because she only had so much $ and that would not pay for anything decent in this area. We went every week for a year and then tapered off to every few weeks as she did not know us anymore and it took most of the day. the home called when they thought she was dying and we rushed up there. She really suffered that last year and a half of her life between the dementia and cancer coming back.

Anyone who knows me will take me out back and shoot me. Or take me to our Veterinarian friend and dose me with a sweet goodbye shot. What you just described sounds like hell on earth. I would not allow our dogs to live a life like that. Why should we?

 

[athena53]

One of the reasons I'm getting re-married is to not die alone. Mondo depressing.

Interesting perspective- one of the reasons I'm not interested in re-marrying is that I don't want to watch someone I love get sick and die again.

I was profoundly grateful that my early retirement, while prompted by toxic politics, meant that DH and I had 3 years together after that- 2+ years in which we got in a lot of good travel, and the last 6 months with me being able to focus on getting him through his final illness. I have to admit, that frequently a whiny voice would ask. "Who's going to do this for ME?" There was a lot to do: keeping track of his prescriptions, making sure he took them as scheduled, going out and getting food if he suddenly decided something sounded good to his greatly-diminished appetite, picking him up when he fell, changing the bandages daily on some lesions on his back...you can hire people to do most of that (and I will if necessary) but it's not the same. If I remarry, there's no guarantee that I'll be on the receiving end of all this instead of the giving end.

I'm fortunate that I believe DS and DDIL would be around and would take care of me, but still plan to get whatever help is necessary so that I don't become a burden.

As for being alone at the actual moment of death: not a concern. I just hope they find my body before it gets too ripe.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My Mom took care of my Dad for 14 long years. At 73 he died and there was no way she would ever have another man in her life. She was so done with all the responsibility. She was very attractive and the old men at the senior center were after her too which was funny.

 

[Huston55]

"Strong social relationships boost a person’s chances of staying alive by 50 percent, according to a comprehensive 2010 review of 148 studies that followed 309,000 people for an average of 7.5 years. That’s about the same improvement to mortality as the one that comes from quitting smoking."

Well then, my plan is to not smoke & have tons of friends...then I'll live forever (50% + 50% = 100%).

In all seriousness, having a good death (accompanied or alone) is what I'm most concerned about. To me, that means doing as much as possible in advance to control the conditions of death; DNR, Advance Medical Directive with POA, living in a state where assisted dying is legal (there are six of them + DC; Oregon, Washington, Vermont, California, Montana, Colorado and Washington DC). If you don't live in one of these locations, and cannot move there to qualify, traveling to Switzerland (or a country with similar 'aid in dying' laws & services) is also an option.

 

[RobbieB]

She's 10 years my junior -

 

[Moemg]

A very casual acquaintance of ours disappeared on Set.8. He had a girlfriend for several years but they did not live together . He has medium dementia and so does she . It was finally discovered that he had a stroke and was in a local hospital . The girlfriend goes to visit him but they do not let her in since it is family only .The only family he has is a daughter whom he has not seen in over 20 years and a angry ex wife .He has now no longer in the hospital but no one can locate were he is . Daughter & ex wife will not answer any attempts to locate him and he had no power of attorney for health care or finances .Bizarre but true .

 

[Sunset]

A very casual acquaintance of ours disappeared on Set.8. He had a girlfriend for several years but they did not live together . He has medium dementia and so does she . It was finally discovered that he had a stroke and was in a local hospital . The girlfriend goes to visit him but they do not let her in since it is family only .The only family he has is a daughter whom he has not seen in over 20 years and a angry ex wife .He has now no longer in the hospital but no one can locate were he is . Daughter & ex wife will not answer any attempts to locate him and he had no power of attorney for health care or finances .Bizarre but true .

Can't he be reported as missing, the dementia issue should make that possible, and the Police can certainly ask the hospital (if not done already), when and where was he discharged ?

 

[Red Badger]

After watching dementia and geriatric illnesses ravage my dad for several years up to his death, I developed a swift but detailed exit plan. Time will tell if I need it, and, if I can "execute" it.

But, like Ike said, "Plans are useless. Planning is essential."

 

[Amethyst]

There are, no surprise, professional patient advocates and geriatric care managers who are paid to navigate the health-care and legal systems for lonely old people with money. There is one who works with our estate attorney's office. I am not sure how different this is from the "guardians," since the person gets paid from the old person's estate.

 

[Moemg]

Can't he be reported as missing, the dementia issue should make that possible, and the Police can certainly ask the hospital (if not done already), when and where was he discharged ?

This story has a happy ending .Someone was finally able to contact the daughter . She stepped up to the plate which I give her tons of credit for . He is in a Special Care nursing home.

 

[bigcmagor]

This is not a fun topic but some form of exit awaits all of us. I'd like to see physician-assisted suicide made legal in more states. Boomers are running out of time for that to happen.

To read some of the threads (mostly elsewhere) expressing the sentiments of the millennial generation towards boomers, as they come into power I suspect they will pass laws encouraging such things.

 

[Huston55]

To read some of the threads (mostly elsewhere) expressing the sentiments of the millennial generation towards boomers, as they come into power I suspect they will pass laws encouraging such things.

Only if they can suddenly find focus, commitment & teamwork and, lose the self pity & excuse making required to do so; which would mean they'd have to spend less time in the tattoo parlor.

I think boomers might be safe.

EDIT: E-R.org members excluded.

 

[albireo13]

I wouldn't mind dying alone. I've loved my family but, they don't need to see me like that. Plus, afterwards I don't think I'd care all that much.

 

[Scrapr]

We just lost my FIL. I was the only one that could navigate the health care to get Hospice in. It was aggravating and difficult as the silos in the system were sharp. I had one receptionist hang up on me. I hope she remembers my cry for help in her dreams.

Once Hospice was there it helped FIL pain to a somewhat manageable level.

But i do fear not having an advocate for me. I guess the plan is outlive Mrs scrapr then hook up with a 70 year old for a % of the estate

 

[anethum]

My dad died at age 94 after a gradual mental & physical decline which began at age 90. My mom did a wonderful job looking after him. They had been happily married for 67 years. He died at home, but he needed 24/7 nursing care the last 8 months of his life. After he died my mom said to me, "I always thought I would go first." I asked her why she thought that. She replied, "Well, maybe I didn't think that, but I hoped that."

5 months after my dad died, my mom's own dementia began at age 93. I started getting multiple phone calls from her every evening because she couldn't find my dad. 2+ years later, she now has help at home around the clock, but physically she is OK. She told me on several occasions both before and after her dementia began, that she'd like to die.

 

[Dreamer]

One of the major reasons for moving to our CCRC was to stay in a social circle.
The 50% quote from the article was a major consideration.

We are on a waiting list for this type of place in our community. I don't think that we would be interested for at least another 10 years, but several people told us that you could be as social as you like, which is good for you. My son-in-law can not understand why we would not go live with them. He keeps saying that is what family does and he thinks that we would be much happier than living with a "bunch of old people". One of his jobs as a navy corpsmen was taking care of patients at Bethesda Naval Hospital. He said it would not be a problem to care for us. It is very nice of him to feel this way, but I told him that if we needed to be cared for 20 years from now, they would be 48 and 50 yrs old and empty nesters , and I would not want them to be stuck caring for us. My mom died sitting in a chair, reading the newspaper. Hope I go as quickly.

 

[Nemo2]

My mom died sitting in a chair, reading the newspaper. Hope I go as quickly.

My late wife's favorite nurse at oncology, after enjoying her son's wedding, was found the same way....my wife & I attended her funeral....not the scenario anyone anticipated.

The nurse's death was a little premature, but I think we'd all like that particular eventual ending to be in our cards.

 

[Moemg]

My Aunt who was 102 had her hair done , went out to lunch ,came home and had a nap and never woke up .That is the way I want to go .

 

[googily]

I admit that this has been much on my mind since DH's death, since we have no kids. My brother or his kids will probably fulfill the role, but I'm thinking about making a friend my health care POA, just so my brother doesn't hold all the cards.

Assuming I don't remarry, I'm willing to trade 20 years and keeling over at 70 to an awful lonely drawn out denouement at 90.

 

[mh]

I admit that this has been much on my mind since DH's death, since we have no kids. My brother or his kids will probably fulfill the role, but I'm thinking about making a friend my health care POA, just so my brother doesn't hold all the cards.

Assuming I don't remarry, I'm willing to trade 20 years and keeling over at 70 to an awful lonely drawn out denouement at 90.

It will be interesting to see if you still think so when you are 69 1/2