It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Walt34]

A farmer drove to his neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy aged about 9 opened the door.

"Is your Mum or Dad at home?" asked the farmer

"No they went into town"

"How about your brother Howard? Is he at home"?

"No, he went into town too"

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.

Then the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message"

"Well", said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really want to talk to your Dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment ... then said, "You'll have to talk my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $50 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard".

 

[Lawrencewendall]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

[aja8888]

The last two ^^^^ were great and I passed them along! Thanks!

 

[dirt_dobber]

A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles"

After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day"

The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"

 

[WWDog]

Mary was cleaning here house mid morning in Dublin.
She hears a knock on the door and wonders who is visiting
this time of day. She opens the door and sees her husband's best friend
Seimus. Mary exclaims, "Seimus come on in it is a bit cold outside." Seimus
enters and Mary shuts the door. Mary says, "Seimus what a surprise
I didn't expect a visitor this time of day." "What brings you here this time
of Day, you should be at work at the Guiness factory with me husband John.?"
Seimus looks at Mary and says, "Well Mary that is why I am here." "Mary we were just finishing up a vat a Guiness, getting ready to fill the bottles.... And and John was up on the cat walk and ... he fell in." "I'm afraid your beloved John drowned!"
Mary begins to cry and sob over her husband and Seimus comforts her as best he could. Finally Mary looks at Seimus and says, "Well at least it was quick."
John shakes his head and says, "I'm afraid not Mary, He got our three times to pee."

 

[Walt34]

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a crazy glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

 

[brewer12345]

Today my wife said to me, "Did you notice I bought a new toilet brush?"


I relied, "Yes, but I still prefer the paper."

 

[WWDog]

Boudro was walking up to the ice house to buy some beer. When he got to the porch he saw Pierre and said, "How yall are Pierre" to which Pierre replied "My name is not Pierre any more, I'm now Lucky Pierre. Boudro says "Why are you now Lucky Pierre?" Pierre replies, "You know that million dollar lottery, I won it." Boudro says, "Ooh we I guess you are Lucky Pierre."
A few days later, Boudro is again going to the ice house and sees a lot of commotion on the porch. There is a dice game going on. A lot of people with fists full of money and Pierre is empty handed. Boudro says "Hey Lucky Pierre you luck not so good anymore, hey?" Pierre replies, "My name not Lucky Pierre now, my name Lucky Lucky Pierre." Boudro, "How you be named Lucky Lucky Pierre with you losing all that money in a dice game?" Pierre, "You know I won that lottery, well I traded in my old Volkswagen for a big Cadillac and a Big Mak truck came around the corner and smacked the hell out of my new car, If I was in my old VW, i'd be dead but I don't have a scratch." Boudro, "OOOU Weee I guess you are Lucky Lucky Pierre."
A few days more, Boudro goes to the ice house and sees Pierre standing with a big bandage around his butt. Boudro, "Hey Pierre you luck not so good anymore Hey!" Pierre, Robicheaux has that good lookin young wife, well she found out I got all that money and she come on to me, I take her back to my place and we goin at it good, he find out and kick the door down and shoot me in the butt." Boudro, "So how you be Lucky Lucky Lucky Pierre when you get shot in the butt?" Pierre, "Ten minutes earlier that be my head!"

 

[brewer12345]

.

 

[Nemo2]

So...this lady gets on the bus....

 

[kevink]

Ordering coffee in San Francisco (but Seattle and Portland are even more insufferable):

 

[braumeister]

Some radio stations are deciding to remove "Baby It's Cold Outside" from their play lists lest it offend some listeners. Someone posted this list of other songs of the season (you'll have to guess what season... I wouldn't want to offend anyone) which the zealous might want to boycott/suppress for other possible offenses against the prepared list of evil thoughts they wish to police:

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity

2. The Christmas Song: Open fire? Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation

3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances. Slavery of women

4. White Christmas? Racist

5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker; pedophilia

6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you to be of good cheer? making light of mental illness; forced to hide depression

7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying

8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols for Barney and Ben - (a twofer: guns and bigotry)

9. Santa Baby: objectifies women, blackmail

10. Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; why not a snow woman?

11. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired

12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow

13. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse

14. Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day?

15. Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married…forced marriage

16. Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer: Come on the name says it all! Reckless driving, attempted murder, elder abuse, disrespect.

Have a Jolly Merry Christmas!!!!

 

[Walt34]

7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying

With the readily foreseeable and inevitable result:

 

[MichaelB]

5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town:

He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice

Santa Claus is violating article 4 of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679

 

[tfudtuckerpucker]

Some Christmas donations

 

[txtig]

Some radio stations are deciding to remove "Baby It's Cold Outside" from their play lists lest it offend some listeners.

Here’s a politically correct version:

 

[Chuckanut]

Some radio stations are deciding to remove "Baby It's Cold Outside" from their play lists lest it offend some listeners. !!!!

This is hilarious! Have any of these people been listening to much modern music over the last 25 years? Modern TV? Modern movies?

 

[Chuckanut]

A bit of holiday humor:

What do Christmas and a cat on the beach have in common?




Sandy Claws

 

[Alan]

Mary had a little lamb,
she chained it to a pylon.
A thousand volts shot up the chain,
and turned its wool to nylon.

 

[Nemo2]

The Immigration "debate" has created a flurry of coverage in local and

national media, and we hear many stories that break your heart. One

such story reported from the Los Angeles Times is quoted below:



Latinos in Southern California say they are worried by the crackdown

on immigration and the potential impact on their families. In an

attempt to seek some relief from this terrible situation, one local

Latino man posted this note on the White House website:



"I'm terrified that President Trump is going to deport my Latina

mother-in-law, who is here illegally and lives at 1801 3rd Street, Los

Angeles, CA 90023. It's the blue house on the corner. She gets home

from work about 6:00 pm. every day."

 

[Nemo2]

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making
biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't
stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was
late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and
then my dog bit me."


"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I
buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison
dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!


But, heck, that's enough about me, how are you doing?"

 

[aja8888]

Nemo, thanks! After today's market drop, a laugh is a welcome thing!

 

[redduck]

Nemo2, thanks for making my buddy, aja8888, who is currently home recuperating, laugh, as he lies in bed watching both his Houston Texans make the play-offs and his retirement money dwindle.

Feel better, aja8888.

 

[aja8888]

Nemo2, thanks for making my buddy, aja8888, who is currently home recuperating, laugh, as he lies in bed watching both his Houston Texans make the play-offs and his retirement money dwindle.

Feel better, aja8888.

Thanks redduck! I needed that!

It was fun watching Pittsburgh lose last night to open the door for the Texans, who will probably get pounded into the ground early in the playoffs!

Edit (twice)...on the retirement money sliding off into the broker's coffers...you mean the kid's inheritance? We just need to save enough for the body conversion to ash and small wooden boxes! Oh, at the rate the bubble is bursting, DW and I may need to get that done while still breathing.

 

[NYEXPAT]

As Bull fighting season winds up here in Peru and I saw them on the menu at our go-to Sunday restaurant, I thought I would share a "Bull testicle joke".

Have you heard the one about the gringo who went to the bull fights, and afterwards went for a large portion of crilladiallas. He returned the following week to the same restaurant, right next door to the bull ring. This time, the portion was not nearly as generous. Upset, he calls over the waiter and says, "Hey, just because I am a gringo doesn't mean you can get away with serving me such a small portion", to which the waiter replied, "I am sorry sir, but this week, it was the bull that won".