Kids making a big mistake

[kcowan]

One advantage of telling them what you think of their move is that they will have the added incentive to prove you wrong!

 

[MRG]

You cannot tell adult married children what they can and cannot do. (Did your parents run your life once you were married?)

But you can make it clear that you will not be in a position to help them out financially.

Sit down with them, explain your situation. Don't criticize their plans. Don't attack them personally. Don't call their choice a mistake, unless you are specifically asked for feedback. Just make it clear that the decision is theirs, but that your financial support simply isn't available.

+1
Actually my DF tried to run our lives after we were married. It worked about as well as you might expect. We ran 1200 miles away and basically cut off non-essential communications.

Our moving away was one of greatest things we ever did.

 

[Mdlerth]

The Odd Quintet

Lemme make sure I understand. The kids are selling up and moving out of state? Doesn't that translate into NOT moving back in with Mom and Dad? How is this not a huge win?

My parents had five children all out of the house for several years. Halcyon days for M&D: they could come and go as they pleased, have candlelight dinners for two. Laundry was minimal, and the grocery budget could include a lot more lobster. They got out of the habit of closing doors.

Then, in 1988, both of my brothers and one sister showed up on the doorstep like Felix Unger at Oscar Madison's home. One brother left within three months, but the other brother and sister stayed for three years.

Long story short, the experience added some urgency to my folks' retirement plan of selling that house and moving 200 miles away.

Maybe OP just needs a little reassurance that it's okay to adjust his perspective. It sounds like he has done a good job of raising his child into an independent adult. Bravo!

 

[marko]

Not the norm but our niece's new 28 year old husband just a announced that despite his shiny new MBA he "isn't interested in working 9 to 5" and wants to just work weekends as a DJ at parties.

 

[braumeister]

You make it sound like that's a bad thing!

 

[Geld ist Freiheit]

Not the norm but our niece's new 28 year old husband just a announced that despite his shiny new MBA he "isn't interested in working 9 to 5" and wants to just work weekends as a DJ at parties.

Paul Oakenfold and Deadmau5 made a go of it.

 

[brett]

The cake is baked by the time they are in college. Your work is done.

You cannot live their lives.

I have every confidence that the millennials, and the generation that follows, will work as hard and be as successful as we are/were. They may do it in a different fashion, have different values but that is what change is all about.

I believe that it is important for them to learn from their own mistakes.....just as we did.

 

[ponyboy]

Not the norm but our niece's new 28 year old husband just a announced that despite his shiny new MBA he "isn't interested in working 9 to 5" and wants to just work weekends as a DJ at parties.

He's an out of the box thinker not wanting the 9 to 5 gig. Sounds like a keeper.

Paul Oakenfold and Deadmau5 made a go of it.

Yep...and theres 1 oakenfold and 1 deadmau5. Ever hear the expression "there are more bands than fans." For every lynyrd skynyrd theres 1000 bands that didnt make it. And yes...I know they all died in a plane crash.

 

[bigcmagor]

He's an out of the box thinker not wanting the 9 to 5 gig. Sounds like a keeper.

This would describe my soon to be nomadic DS. Fortunately for his wanderlust, he bought a gutted duplex in New Orleans' lower ninth ward post-Katrina, rehabbed it and is now selling it for more than ten times his initial investment.

 

[Geld ist Freiheit]

Ever hear the expression "there are more bands than fans."

How many bands could a band’s fans fan if a band’s fans could fan bands?


Sorry, it’s slow at w*rk and I’m horribly bored.

 

[marko]

He's an out of the box thinker not wanting the 9 to 5 gig. Sounds like a keeper.
.

His mindset is "My wife has a good job, why do I need one?"
Should have thought of that before taking on a big mortgage and all kinds of expensive toys.

 

[MichaelB]

Im 35 so not exactly a spring chicken. I work with 3 late 20's guys. They are waaaaay smarter than I am or ever will be...yet their work ethic sucks. They'll wait till the last second to do something...or if they cant do something from their desk they wont do it. I run circles around them...me and these 2 other 50something guys...they also have a great work ethic.

It's a pretty broad brush to paint all "late 20's" people as having poor work ethic based on your personal knowledge of just 2, don't you think?

Ever hear the expression "youth is wasted on the young." This hits the nail on the head when it comes to them. They spend almost all of their time playing video games. If they arent in front of a computer its rare.

I think that saying is not about work ethic, it's about having wisdom to appreciate one's opportunities.

I wont go into detail on everyone I know that isnt 30 yet...but the trend carries over to them.

But dont let that fool you...most of my friends around my age are bums too. They work...but they also spend every dime they have, are always stressed, cant pay bills, in toxic relationships...at least they no longer live with mom and dad.

Have you given any consideration to the possibility that you are spending time with the wrong people?

 

[SumDay]

I have a kid who took a severance package $$$ and hiked the Appalachian Trail, all of it. Then he moved to Seattle and lived on a sailboat. I was NOT thrilled about either endeavor, but he needed to get it out of his system. He's gainfully employed and in a pretty stable (for him) relationship. I'm very proud of the man he's become.


When it's all in the rearview mirror, it's much easier to swallow than when it's on the road in front of you.

 

[Texas Proud]

+1 Good advice. Also +1 on the "don't let them store stuff in your garage". Don't ask why I know that Mom and Dad Storage Co. is a bad idea!

Does not have to be kids.... it can be a BIL also

 

[HI Bill]

...both college grads with decent jobs, a house, and lots of debt. They informed us they plan on quitting their jobs, selling their house and moving out of sate and live with friends until they get settled

Have you been helping them out financially after they graduated (presently or recently?). You seem to know about their debt. If you have, they likely have the expectation that you will continue to do so, despite their lack of future effort. I would stop all support at once, and tell them they're on their own if they make such a (wreckless and IMHO irresponsible) decision. Apparently, adulting is hard. But we all knew that!

 

[Bestwifeever]

This is the norm now with young adults. They either want to travel and not work...or just not work and do whatever. That way they can brag to all of their friends at starbucks about how awesome they are for not working.

I understand that the younger generation value life experience over things...which is a good thing. Materialism is toxic. What else is toxic is working, saving a bunch of money...then not working again and blowing all your money. Not a good cycle to be in.

Nothing you can do as a parent...let them figure it out on their own.

You need to meet more young people.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Thanks you all for some great advice. I think we will "let the chips fall where they may", and give them emotional support. Maybe it will never come to the point where they request financial help. We love them and really do wish them the best.

Perfect. It really isn’t up to us. We have no idea what our two kids’ and their spouses’ incomes are or what debt they might have.

 

[HI Bill]

The story kind of reminds me of a friend I met on Maui. He was 18 or 19. Got his realtor's license. Started selling condos. Every time he sold something, he'd stop working for several months until he ran out of money, then start working again. He made huge gains on the value of his own condo, took out a HELOC to buy a jet ski. Eventually, he moved back to the mainland. Owns a nice house, and two charter boats, is married, and has 2 cute kids. His path was his path. I would have preferred a more linear path for myself, but his got him to where he wanted to be!

 

[brett]

I believe that there is a lot to be said for thinking out of the box and looking at what we oldies may consider to be unusual ways to find employment, self employment, or business ventures.

The world is changing in many ways. We only see the changes through our eyes and our experiences. Another lens may see thing slightly differently and may see opportunity where we see none.

 

[jjflyman]

If they sell their house, is there enough equity buildup to pay off all their debts, so at least they have a better restart scenario?

No, they won't make much on the house (maybe clear 10K) and they both have car loans, and the son-in-law has 20K in student loans.

 

[Walt34]

Be cheered by the knowledge that even if this venture does turn out to be a financial disaster for them they're young enough to recover from it. So in the great scheme of things this will probably be a minor excursion.

 

[pjigar]

All of my kids know with certainty that I’m not their bank. Though they are all well aware of our wealth, they have no expectations of an inheritance. I think that’s important.

If you do want to incentivize them for good financial behavior, you might want to announce to them and give them an annual gift equal to a certain percentage of their personal income. Just a thought.

I have thought about doing this but more as a percentage of their IRA/401K contributions. Bottom line approach.

 

[SnowBound]

I'm concerned they will "start over" with no jobs and immediately go farther in debt. My wife and I are bothered because we think they are a being a little reckless because they know our financial situation and think we can bail them out when the money gets tight.
We are 2 years from ER and are trying to accumulate as much as we can at this point, and helping support our children because of their bad decisions in not in the plan
Advice?

My wife and I did something similar in our late twenties. We had a dream of buying a campground. So we sold the house, my old muscle car and just about everything else then waited for the perfect place to jump into. She quit W**K and searched full time. Bought, got way over our heads in debt and our abilities, asked dad for money to pay taxes, trip to the food bank every week.

But we had a clear dream, were blessed by the Lord, had a lot of helping hands the first couple of years and LIVED THE DREAM.

SO are they:
A) Passionately pursuing a dream together or
B) Wandering in the wilderness?
If A) they will learn a lot fast and hopefully can enjoy each other in times of trial. Be there for them and encourage them to be brave.
If B) seek counselling, it is going to be a rough road. Be careful not to burn any bridges.

PS: Sold campground 13 years later and she started retirement at 42.

 

[Winemaker]

Bitcoin, I tell you, bitcoin! You don't understand. Put everything in bitcoin! You old folk put your money and effort into the stock market, then go to church on Sunday and pray for it to go up! What a putz! Buy a car? Why? There's Uber. It'll take me anywhere, cheap. Bitcoin, I tell you!

 

[Koolau]

I agree with posters who indicate that the kids should do what they want to do while mom and dad remain supportive - emotionally but not financially.

I had a friend (now deceased) who's mom and dad died within months of each other. The inheritance his parents left him, while not extravagant left him in better financial shape than he had ever been in his almost 50 years. His kid graduated HS and decided he wanted to be a welder. So "dad" paid for welding school for 2 years. Upon "graduation" kid decides he doesn't really want to be a welder. He wants to go to undergraduate school. Dad pays. In the mean time, kid gets GF pregnant and dad sets them up in a house (rented?). Kid completes 4-year degree and decides he can't get a job so why not go to graduate school. Dad pays for graduate school. Kid graduates and then decides he'd really rather learn physical therapy. Dad pays for PT school. Kid doesn't really want to do PT but now dad is out of money. IIRC kid did do PT, but dad died penniless. Naturally, YMMV.