need advice from people who have done a lot of crazy things in life

[Mdlerth]

If not for foibles, there'd be nothing on TV

At least it's more juicy than talking the 4% rule...

+1

I had a sheltered childhood, surrounded by, at least superficially, responsible grownups. During recess, there were a few whispers on the playground about what some adults got up to, but we all thought "Surely depravity of that level only occurs in remote corners of the country, attended by some negligible percentage of the population". (Editor's note: we may have phrased it using words of fewer syllables, but the meaning was the same.)

As I proceeded through adolescence we no longer whispered, but I still held the impression that ~98% of people behaved just like my parents did, which is to say, honest and morally upstanding. My folks had some other human flaws, but they wouldn't have been unfaithful under any circumstances.

However, my naïveté came to a crashing halt upon taking my first real job. The fraction of people getting up to mischief wasn't 1 or 2 percent. It was much bigger. Maybe even a majority, I still don't know for sure. But it's a lot.

Of course, that doesn't make it right. But it sure makes it interesting.

 

[joeea]

My folks had some other human flaws, but they wouldn't have been unfaithful under any circumstances.

That's what Matt's kids think - at least so far.

 

[aja8888]

https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america

In general, men are more likely than women to cheat: 20% of men and 13% of women reported that they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse while married, according to data from the recent General Social Survey(GSS).

 

[MissMolly]

I find it interesting that the over 65 group has the highest percentage of cheating.

 

[aja8888]

I find it interesting that the over 65 group has the highest percentage of cheating.

Has to do with the "gray divorce" increases, I am sure.

 

[imnontrad]

Yep, she needs to break off all contact and walk away.

 

[Sunset]

I just hope Matt's wife isn't a member of this forum.

OP has given more than enough information for her to figure it all out! "Gee, honey, this sounds like you!"

Exactly what I was thinking.....

Especially when tied into access to his messaging and FB.

Also wonder what Kristi really thinks about all of this, since she seems to be NOT over it. Maybe she does want Matt after all ??

 

[troutnut1]

OK, I think I fit the original criteria. I have been on both sides of this when I was young, stupid, and drunk. I was probably married to Kristi and she did this all the time. But their bigger problem is probably that they are both drunks. How do I know? Because I am one. I just haven’t had to have a drink in 21 years. And I have had a subsequent marriage with zero cheating for 36 years. I learned my lesson long ago.

Normal drinkers at 40-50 years old don’t drink to that point of drunkenness and get in trouble with other peoples spouses. Neither do they drink when it might endanger their health, safety, marriage, job, etc. They might have a drink, maybe two, but they never Drink to get drunk. People like me, who have a problem with alcohol, drink like that. And it’s easy for me to spot them. And once they have crossed that invisible line, this sort of thing becomes common. Adding alcohol to a situation like this is like cutting the brake lines on your sports car and going for a drive. And they do that all the time.

I pity them all, especially the family. It is almost a certainty they will get caught. Especially of they keep drinking and cheating. Suggestions to bow out of this mess Are spot on. There is an old Alanon saying that comes to mind. “Not my monkey, not my zoo”.

Judging them? Why yes I am! A friend wrote the paragraph below and gave me permission to quote her:

“Another perspective: We judge others *all the time*; we could not live a rational life without the ability to size up the trustworthiness of another person. We admire people who have "good judgment," right? Without judgement, how would we know whom we could trust? Who to hire to do a job for us? Who to choose to babysit our children? Who is telling us the truth? Who will probably pay back the $50 we lend them? We judge other people virtually every day of our lives. If we're lucky, we have a track record to rely on for most of the people we deal with. But other times, we have to go with "gut feeling." Judging may result in a correct or faulty decision, but everyone continues to do it because there's really no other choice. When it comes to Internet chat, is it reasonable to exercise the same judgment we make in every other part of our lives? I would argue yes. I don't support being cruel or unkind, but I also don't think it's unreasonable to be honest. And I think using the word "judge" as an accusation or insult is unreasonable.”

 

[mountainsoft]

It is almost a certainty they will get caught.

Agreed, we already know three people are aware of this event (Matt, Kristi, and the OP). OP now mentioned it to hundreds of people on this forum, albeit anonymously. Did OP mention it to other friends also? Did Matt seek advice? Kristi already confided in the OP, who's to say she didn't ask other friends also? That's a lot of loose ends that can quickly unravel. It's already well beyond the "keep it a secret" stage.

I'll also assume there is no "evidence" that Matt's wife may find later, lipstick on a collar, some personal belonging of Kristi's in Matt's possession, etc.

Trust me, the longer Matt waits to tell his wife, the harder it will be to save the marriage. "I messed after the funeral last month" is going to be easier for Matt's wife to process than learning he kept it a secret for years.

 

[CHBinFL]

Have you considered the tax-free advantages of blackmail money? Either as a lump sum payment or monthly income?



(A joke - do not do this. I feel bad that I feel it necessary to write this part.)

 

[Shardo]

I had trouble getting through page 1 of that, and there are 6 more pages?

 

[WhenIsItTime]

A secret is something you want shared slowly. The wife will find out eventually and it will hurt more that it was with an old/current friend and that the group was talking behind her back for however long. The issue is broken trust.

There are far better websites to research this. Talkaboutmarriage for one is frequented by sex starved participants who thoroughly cover adultery.

 

[CowgirlUp]

Matt and Kristi are both scumbags. Matt should fess up to his wife regarding the broken trust or he’ll feel guilty forever and rightly should. I don’t care what kind of a past any of the previous good friends had together, but if I was Matt’s wife he’d never be seeing or talking to them again(or at least you and Kristi) after that betrayal(once she finds out....and she will). If I were you I’d stay out of it. JMHO

 

[RVplusDog]

Obviously none of us know the details of Matt’s marriage. My marriage is way different than many posting here.

What I haven’t seen anyone advise yet is that the situation could be analyzed by thinking it through from other perspectives. How would Kristi feel if her sister’s husband did the same thing? OP, how would you advise your niece to handle it if it were her husband? How would you want it handled if it was your husband? How would Matt tell his daughter to deal with it if it were her marriage? And then think it through from the perspective of the non-married person who was involved in the drunken massage gone too far. I can’t see how your group friendship isn’t already changed irrevocably for the three of you (to start), and likely for all of you for years to come.

If it was my husband & our marriage, the drunken night would be a sign that our marriage had changed significantly and needed to end or have expectations re-set.

Personally, my spouse & I both consider our marriage more important than friendships of any duration. YMMV, and so might Matt’s, Kristi’s, & Matt’s wife.

 

[scaubie]

I’m still reading, hang on...

 

[Nemo2]

We've morphed into a soap opera.

Next episode: Kristi's long lost identical twin sister appears and......

 

[Senator]

Obviously none of us know the details of Matt’s marriage.

100% correct. It could be that Matt is in a sexless marriage, and all he did was sub-contract out the work, as his primary worker could no longer do the work or was not up to the task. A mutual agreement that was 'contracted' at the time of the marriage.

A win-win-win situation.

 

[IMATERP]

Matt doesn’t need YOUR help. Matt needs spiritual help! Confession might be a good place to start as well as avoiding ALL contact with Kristi.

 

[jollystomper]

Again, we all know this was wrong, we all know it was.
We are trying to do damage control here, it was a huge mistake but no one is perfect...any advice is appreciated.

There are different degrees of mistakes. This is not a "I left the food out overnight and it spoiled" mistake or "I left the keys in the car and someone stole it" mistake. This is a mistake that violated integrity and trust. Damage control rarely works for those kinds of situations.

To put it in financial terms, if you found out someone stole money from you, and your friends knew about, and their attitude was "well, it was a big mistake, but no one is perfect"... would you find that acceptable.

What happens if one day Matt's wife asks you "I have suspicions about Matt fooling around..." - would you be comfortable in lying to support him?


Or, what if Matt becomes obsessed with Krista, and really starts putting more pressure on her to continue the affair (those big things always have a "small" beginning)... would you tell her that "it was a big mistake, but no one is perfect"?


The best you can do IMHO is to keep you mouth shut and refuse to discuss it with either of them. And think about what you will do when this situation is found out - you may think it will stay a secret, but these kind of things rarely do.

 

[mpkcapt]

What the heck does this painfully long post have to do with early retirement?

 

[Sanbenito1]

Sounds like she is just looking for an excuse to remain in contact with the ‘it would look suspicious’ line. She can be civil/not cold when she next sees this adulterer, but beyond that-nothing. They are both acting like ‘it just happened’, kinda like Adam and Eve when they kept visiting and looking at the tree of knowledge and then (of course) ate from it. End it.

 

[Mdlerth]

Traffic alert: Rubbernecking ahead

What the heck does this painfully long post have to do with early retirement?

I guess about as much as threads on cooking or weight loss or purchases from Amazon. That's why it's in the "Other topics" forum.

Just my perspective, but I haven't found it painful at all. Au contraire, train wrecks are natural attention-grabbers.

 

[calmloki]

.... Kristi and he agreed not to tell anyone and he knows she will tell me but I won't tell.... it's not my business and I really don't care.

Ooo Oo!! Can we/should we/could we ask about the ethnicity of the participants? That should stir the pot a bit.

Somewhere once I read that the best way to keep a secret is not to tell anyone. This thread confirms that view.

 

[joeea]

100% correct. It could be that Matt is in a sexless marriage, and all he did was sub-contract out the work, as his primary worker could no longer do the work or was not up to the task. A mutual agreement that was 'contracted' at the time of the marriage.

A win-win-win situation.

We could imagine all sorts of ridiculous scenarios with no evidence.

Or we could read what was actually written and provide advice based on that.

 

[aja8888]

My read on this is that this event was not the first time for either of them. But what do I know after being single from 49 to 54 years of age in a huge city with lots of "singles" clubs.