Death of a spouse...and a different story...

[FlaGator]

I married my high school sweetheart when I was just shy of 21. She died 1 day before our 38th birthday. I think we both would say we had a near perfect union. We survived losing our youngest son at 24 due to an auto accident. She was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer 6 months after the accident and battled this disease for almost eight years. We she died I fought a very deep and dark depression. I was looking at the mass card and symphony cards a few months later. I opened a card from a single mom who I worked with 20 plus years ago and a voice inside my head said to go find Robin. We were married 14 months later.

I think men who have a good and loving marriage and lose their wife want to regain that. I'm blessed, I've have two ladies that love me. One is my first love. The other will be my last.

This was true for me. Very happy for you to have found it again!

 

[Koolau]

I married my high school sweetheart when I was just shy of 21. She died 1 day before our 38th birthday. I think we both would say we had a near perfect union. We survived losing our youngest son at 24 due to an auto accident. She was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer 6 months after the accident and battled this disease for almost eight years. We she died I fought a very deep and dark depression. I was looking at the mass card and symphony cards a few months later. I opened a card from a single mom who I worked with 20 plus years ago and a voice inside my head said to go find Robin. We were married 14 months later.

I think men who have a good and loving marriage and lose their wife want to regain that. I'm blessed, I've have two ladies that love me. One is my first love. The other will be my last.

What an amazing love story. Thanks for sharing.

 

[gabrewer]

Hi all;
I've been reading this thread with much interest, mainly due to the experience of my mother with a second marriage, and now would like to add my thoughts to the many good ones already expressed here.

First of all, I will apologize in advance if anyone is offended by what I have to say. Nothing is aimed at any particular poster or post; I'm just relating my own experience and feelings.

In my observation over time, I feel there are -- very broadly speaking -- two types of men (all on something of a sliding scale between the two extremes). First, like me, there are those who spent some time in their early lives as bachelors -- living alone or otherwise -- and once getting married spend the rest of their lives learning to share their space with another person. My wife and I have been together 32+ plus years, and I love her dearly. But I still very much place value on "alone time". She's going on a girls' trip in a couple of weeks, and I'm looking forward to how I'll spend my time while she's traveling.

Secondly, there is a type of man who has always had someone -- or some entity -- to take care of him -- whether it be mama, the army, the college fraternity, etc. They marry early with little if any time living on their own. If they find themselves widowed after many years of marriage, they are near terrified at having no one to take care of them. And their priority becomes to find another wife -- anyone who will have them, and love has nothing to do with it.

My dad died of ALS, my mom being his primary care giver. Shortly after that, her path crossed with the second type of man described above. Early on in the relationship, he placed pressure on her to get married. She knew there was something not right about it, but he eventually wore her down. Fast forward many years, Mom was the primary care giver again as he declined with dementia and other health issues. Now that he has passed, Mom has many health issues which I think are at least somewhat related to the stress of caring for her second husband. I also feel that he took advantage of her financially, but that's a whole other post in its own.

So to sum, I think women in particular have to be most wary in approaching second (or more) marriages. Men that are wanting to move too quickly in the relationship should be a definite red flag. As far me, never say never, but I would be in no hurry to remarry if I were to outlive my wife. Conversely, I've told her if I go first she is to steer clear of needy old men -- else I will come back to haunt her! Although I would be pleased if she finds a genuine good guy!

 

[Librarian]

I think you have simplified things too much.

Hi all;
I've been reading this thread with much interest, mainly due to the experience of my mother with a second marriage, and now would like to add my thoughts to the many good ones already expressed here.

First of all, I will apologize in advance if anyone is offended by what I have to say. Nothing is aimed at any particular poster or post; I'm just relating my own experience and feelings.

In my observation over time, I feel there are -- very broadly speaking -- two types of men (all on something of a sliding scale between the two extremes). First, like me, there are those who spent some time in their early lives as bachelors -- living alone or otherwise -- and once getting married spend the rest of their lives learning to share their space with another person. My wife and I have been together 32+ plus years, and I love her dearly. But I still very much place value on "alone time". She's going on a girls' trip in a couple of weeks, and I'm looking forward to how I'll spend my time while she's traveling.

Secondly, there is a type of man who has always had someone -- or some entity -- to take care of him -- whether it be mama, the army, the college fraternity, etc. They marry early with little if any time living on their own. If they find themselves widowed after many years of marriage, they are near terrified at having no one to take care of them. And their priority becomes to find another wife -- anyone who will have them, and love has nothing to do with it.

My dad died of ALS, my mom being his primary care giver. Shortly after that, her path crossed with the second type of man described above. Early on in the relationship, he placed pressure on her to get married. She knew there was something not right about it, but he eventually wore her down. Fast forward many years, Mom was the primary care giver again as he declined with dementia and other health issues. Now that he has passed, Mom has many health issues which I think are at least somewhat related to the stress of caring for her second husband. I also feel that he took advantage of her financially, but that's a whole other post in its own.

So to sum, I think women in particular have to be most wary in approaching second (or more) marriages. Men that are wanting to move too quickly in the relationship should be a definite red flag. As far me, never say never, but I would be in no hurry to remarry if I were to outlive my wife. Conversely, I've told her if I go first she is to steer clear of needy old men -- else I will come back to haunt her! Although I would be pleased if she finds a genuine good guy!

Two examples:
My uncle was always the life of the party. Everyone loved him. His wife was ill w/ COPD for a number of years. So he knew what was coming. (they were together at the age of 18)
We thought when she passed, he would eventually be the life of the party again. When she died, essentially he died too. Within a year he had passed.

My father & mother also married young (21), and my father went from his mother's house to married.
I thought he, too, would be like my uncle & pass w/in a year.
I was dead wrong. He moved into assisted living (truly could be in independent but we didn't know for sure, and now he doesn't want to change his address on everything AGAIN). He has a couple guys he dines with, but otherwise rarely does activities there. Has coffee 2x/week with lifelong friends & dinner once/week with friends.
He is doing well & seems to have ZERO interest in another woman.
Misses my mother; it has been 2 years & she was sick for the year before her death, but he was no caregiver.

You never know.
People can surprise you.

 

[athena53]

<snip>

So to sum, I think women in particular have to be most wary in approaching second (or more) marriages. Men that are wanting to move too quickly in the relationship should be a definite red flag.

When I was on match.com one guy who liked my profile was 80 years old (I was 65 at the time), his marital status was "legally separated" and he described himself as "lonely". My guess is that he and his soon-to-be-ex were still living in the same house because they couldn't afford to support 2 separate households.

I didn't respond to that one.

 

[Librarian]

Yikes

When I was on match.com one guy who liked my profile was 80 years old (I was 65 at the time), his marital status was "legally separated" and he described himself as "lonely". My guess is that he and his soon-to-be-ex were still living in the same house because they couldn't afford to support 2 separate households.

I didn't respond to that one.

SERIOUSLY--I guess I appreciate honesty but WHO would respond to this??!!

 

[VanWinkle]

Hi all;
I've been reading this thread with much interest, mainly due to the experience of my mother with a second marriage, and now would like to add my thoughts to the many good ones already expressed here.

First of all, I will apologize in advance if anyone is offended by what I have to say. Nothing is aimed at any particular poster or post; I'm just relating my own experience and feelings.

In my observation over time, I feel there are -- very broadly speaking -- two types of men (all on something of a sliding scale between the two extremes). First, like me, there are those who spent some time in their early lives as bachelors -- living alone or otherwise -- and once getting married spend the rest of their lives learning to share their space with another person. My wife and I have been together 32+ plus years, and I love her dearly. But I still very much place value on "alone time". She's going on a girls' trip in a couple of weeks, and I'm looking forward to how I'll spend my time while she's traveling.

Secondly, there is a type of man who has always had someone -- or some entity -- to take care of him -- whether it be mama, the army, the college fraternity, etc. They marry early with little if any time living on their own. If they find themselves widowed after many years of marriage, they are near terrified at having no one to take care of them. And their priority becomes to find another wife -- anyone who will have them, and love has nothing to do with it.

My dad died of ALS, my mom being his primary care giver. Shortly after that, her path crossed with the second type of man described above. Early on in the relationship, he placed pressure on her to get married. She knew there was something not right about it, but he eventually wore her down. Fast forward many years, Mom was the primary care giver again as he declined with dementia and other health issues. Now that he has passed, Mom has many health issues which I think are at least somewhat related to the stress of caring for her second husband. I also feel that he took advantage of her financially, but that's a whole other post in its own.

So to sum, I think women in particular have to be most wary in approaching second (or more) marriages. Men that are wanting to move too quickly in the relationship should be a definite red flag. As far me, never say never, but I would be in no hurry to remarry if I were to outlive my wife. Conversely, I've told her if I go first she is to steer clear of needy old men -- else I will come back to haunt her! Although I would be pleased if she finds a genuine good guy!

You forgot the third man who has taken care of his wife through a 45 year marriage and shared the responsibilities of the household. He misses his wife after she passes, but also misses the feeling of helping another person through life's hardships. He doesn't need someone to take care of him, he needs someone to take care of.

Yes, I was offended by your post as it was both smug and short-sighted.

VW

 

[athena53]

You forgot the third man who has taken care of his wife through a 45 year marriage and shared the responsibilities of the household. He misses his wife after she passes, but also misses the feeling of helping another person through life's hardships. He doesn't need someone to take care of him, he needs someone to take care of.

I know of two marriages where the man lost his first wife to a degenerative disease, which I think would have taken a lot out of them and left them a bit shell-shocked to marry again. Both are happily remarried to wonderful women-I point to those two couples as the quality of relationship I'd want before I'd think of remarrying.

 

[H2ODude]

Not sure what isolated world Gabrewer lives in but I sure as hell don't fit his two boxes. We got married at 19, 54 years ago. It's been a partnership in which I've done as much caring for DW as she for me, now far more. She has Alzheimer's and the full load is in my hands and I'm pefectly fine with that.

The idea that I'd look for someone to "take care of me" is absurd. My therapist asked me in one of those quiet moments what my intention was following her demise. I half jokingly said get another dog or two. I know you can't predict what will happen but I'll likely be driven by loneliness, damn sure not need for someone to cook and clean for me. I've been doing that for over 50 years.

You need to get out and meet some different people.

 

[FlaGator]

You forgot the third man who has taken care of his wife through a 45 year marriage and shared the responsibilities of the household. He misses his wife after she passes, but also misses the feeling of helping another person through life's hardships. He doesn't need someone to take care of him, he needs someone to take care of.

VW

^^^^^^^^How did you get to know me so well?

There is also the guy who doesn't need to be taken care of, but enjoys the presence of a woman in his life.

Thanks for helping round out that binary description of men.

 

[Souschef]

^^^^^^^^How did you get to know me so well?

There is also the guy who doesn't need to be taken care of, but enjoys the presence of a woman in his life.

Thanks for helping round out that binary description of men.

+1. I lost my wife of 30 years, and was blessed to find a lady who was also widowed. I absolutely enjoy her presence in my life, as well as that of her 2 sons.
We just celebrated our 16th anniversary.

 

[rk911]

Not sure what isolated world Gabrewer lives in but I sure as hell don't fit his two boxes. We got married at 19, 54 years ago. It's been a partnership in which I've done as much caring for DW as she for me, now far more. She has Alzheimer's and the full load is in my hands and I'm pefectly fine with that.

The idea that I'd look for someone to "take care of me" is absurd. My therapist asked me in one of those quiet moments what my intention was following her demise. I half jokingly said get another dog or two. I know you can't predict what will happen but I'll likely be driven by loneliness, damn sure not need for someone to cook and clean for me. I've been doing that for over 50 years.

You need to get out and meet some different people.

I agree. We have the same story...married at 19 and 18 back in 1970. I know that should she pass first in my mind I will still be married and will have zero interest in finding another. I will continue to wear my ring. We have not discussed but I am 100% certain she feels the same. Compartmentalizing people into two groups is unrealistic.

 

[Koolau]

You forgot the third man who has taken care of his wife through a 45 year marriage and shared the responsibilities of the household. He misses his wife after she passes, but also misses the feeling of helping another person through life's hardships. He doesn't need someone to take care of him, he needs someone to take care of.

Yes, I was offended by your post as it was both smug and short-sighted.

VW

I wasn't offended by someone else's perceptions. Heh, heh, our collective perceptions about WDR and when to take SS and what is the ideal AA and whether to get Covid vaccines are all different on this forum. Why should we be offended that other people see things differently than we do? I only ask that folks be respectful of others' opinions - not that they always agree.

I simply don't see myself in either of the "types" of men that gabrewer describes. DW and I depend upon each other up to a point. We are also independent. We have a relationship in which, when one person is weak and the other is stronger (think of illness for instance) the stronger steps in and picks up the slack. It tends to go back and forth in that regard. Those in their 70s (or more) probably know what I mean. We've both had cancer, both had heart issues, both been disabled at one time or another. We said "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" and (so far) we apparently have meant it.

We are far from perfect individuals and our marriage is far from perfect. BUT we are committed to each other and we do what we have to do to make it all w*rk. I just don't see either of us fitting into a "type" but YMMV.

 

[VanWinkle]

I wasn't offended by someone else's perceptions. Heh, heh, our collective perceptions about WDR and when to take SS and what is the ideal AA and whether to get Covid vaccines are all different on this forum. Why should we be offended that other people see things differently than we do? I only ask that folks be respectful of others' opinions - not that they always agree.

I simply don't see myself in either of the "types" of men that gabrewer describes. DW and I depend upon each other up to a point. We are also independent. We have a relationship in which, when one person is weak and the other is stronger (think of illness for instance) the stronger steps in and picks up the slack. It tends to go back and forth in that regard. Those in their 70s (or more) probably know what I mean. We've both had cancer, both had heart issues, both been disabled at one time or another. We said "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" and (so far) we apparently have meant it.

We are far from perfect individuals and our marriage is far from perfect. BUT we are committed to each other and we do what we have to do to make it all w*rk. I just don't see either of us fitting into a "type" but YMMV.

It takes a lot to offend me, but maybe he just hit a nerve with me. He has a right to his opinion and I really don't think he was trying to offend anyone. I do feel he is misinformed on this subject due to one situation that involved his mother. I can cut him some slack and hope he will feel free to offer his opinion on any subject.

VW

 

[athena53]

My Dad was widowed at 85; he and Mom were HS sweethearts so there never really was anyone else for either of them. My maternal grandfather was widowed and remarried within a couple of years; I've gone on enough about step-Grandma in previous posts, but the short version is that she had little, was very materialistic and high-maintenance, and Grandpa, who had been an absolute skinflint with Grandma, was downright extravagant with step-Grandma 9and her needy relatives) and came very close to having his last check bounce when he died.

Dad said he had no intention of remarrying after learning his lesson from his father-in-law's experience.

 

[Rianne]

I appreciate the “similar threads” feature on our new format. I’m resurrecting this thread after reading the responses. The intimate details in these posts makes me realize y’all are a great group of people. Although we’re anonymous, we’re not really. Some very heartfelt posts here. I mentioned in an earlier post we’ll be married 40 years this August.

If DH passes before me, I’ll feel his presence always. I’d like to have a few friends to hang out with, but could never be intimate again. Cannot imagine going there.

 

[youbet]

A female friend that we could do things together with, would be the perfect scenario for me. No ties other than great friends.

There ya go! My dad followed that route and it worked out very, very well. They lived separately but saw each other most everyday. She planned their social calendar: bridge club, boating club outings, etc. He picked up most of the tabs for their nights out, wine and booze kept at her house for entertaining, etc. People thought of them as a couple, but they both enjoyed independence.

 

[pb4uski]

Interesting thread and makes a person think about it. I would never say never because things can change. It sure would help getting remarried for tax purposes though. Lol

A female friend that we could do things together with, would be the perfect scenario for me. No ties other than great friends.

+1 I don't see myself remarrying but a female friend/companion would be very possible.

 

[pb4uski]

Married 40 years this August. Stuck together through fat years, thin years. Some years I wondered "Who is this guy?" I'm sure he felt the same at times. We've adapted to each other's weaknesses and strengths. I'd be lost if he passed. He told me he'd find a 20-something bimbo if I passed. I appreciate that honesty. I thought what 20-something would want a fat old man? (He's not that fat)

Reminds me of this picture:

 

[Gumby]

+1 I don't see myself remarrying but a female friend/companion would be very possible.

I have always preferred the company of women. In my experience, they are better friends.

 

[DuluthGA]

There ya go! My dad followed that route and it worked out very, very well. They lived separately but saw each other most everyday. She planned their social calendar: bridge club, boating club outings, etc. He picked up most of the tabs for their nights out, wine and booze kept at her house for entertaining, etc. People thought of them as a couple, but they both enjoyed independence.

Sounds like my 90 year old dad. What is the age difference with your dad and his friend? My dad’s friend is 20 years younger. Hopefully they will just remain friends.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My dad had a massive stroke at 59 and almost died. If he had I think my mom would have found another partner. By the time he died 14 long years of caretaking had taken a toll. My mom was really beautiful and all the old men were always asking her out but she had zero interest saying she was done taking care of old men.

 

[Chuckanut]

Life is for the living. And I don’t judge those who make and standby the decision to never have another romantic partner.

But our emotional and physical needs are hard wired into us. it’s easy to, say “I will do without” when you are living in the land of plenty. .

 

[dixonge]

Wife says she is probably not interested in remarriage if I were to step in front of a bus. I say the same, but part of the problem with these plans is where you live. In the US in the big city, if you don't have a circle of friends that includes widows/widowers it would probably be difficult to even *meet* potential partners.

Here in our area (which we refer to as Gringolandia) the expat retiree numbers are high, and the generally agreed upon statistic is that there are 9 widows for every 1 widower. The single men have the 'pick of the litter' so to speak. But this presumes these widows are interested in remarrying. Most probably aren't, and probably don't want to be a caretaker either.

 

[Music Lover]

But this presumes these widows are interested in remarrying. Most probably aren't, and probably don't want to be a caretaker either.

A lot of men don't want to remarry or be caretakers either.