Death of a spouse...and a different story...

[aja8888]

I'm female and can make similar claims except that many of my teeth have been replaced by implants! One of my big concerns is that I cannot marry a man whose LTC plan is "qualify for Medicaid" because he won't if he's married to me. And yet, I'm not the arm candy more prosperous men my age want. I'm in good shape and I clean up nicely but my hair is grey, I wear glasses and I haven't had any "work done". I will not go looking in the 10-year older age bracket. I wish I could just find a guy who could keep up with me. When I go to Hermann, MO with my current friend (2 years older) I go out for 20-mile bicycle rides on the Katy Trail while he happily stays behind at the B&B. I'm not sure if he's been on a bike since he got out of college.

Correction (my poor use of the English language....not my first language)....I meant I have all my original hair (no bald spots) but not all my original teeth (three implants), but all are there!.

I wish I could just find a guy who could keep up with me.

Yeah, I'd like to find a similar woman to hang out with...I'm still walking 10,000 steps per day, along with gym work.

 

[Chuckanut]

I have several thoughts on the OP’s friend remarrying for the 3rd time. I base them upon my own experiences as being single since my mid 50’s though due to divorce not death of a spouse.

1. It’s nobody else’s business. But, be transparent with your kids. I’ve heard too many horror stories of old guys being suckered into giving some Honey-Trap female the family farm. I imagine that works both ways.

2. Men usually don’t have the same high quality social structure that women have.
Getting married opens the door to being able to use your new wife’s social structure to meet other guys (husbands and boyfriend) for male bonding.

3. At some age, about 65 based upon my observation, men who are reasonably healthy, financially secure, not addicted to anything bad, and bathe regularly become significantly more scarce than women with the same attributes. Thus, it is possible that this guy has been targeted through no fault of his own by various gals looking for a man to spend their golden years with. I hope he likes casseroles and home made pies.

Note: it’s true that many women, especially those who have cared for years for an ailing spouse do not want to have to do it again. Often they are not seeking marriage, but just a “committed” relationship. That’s OK. Children, SS rules, property and liability laws, etc. often make 2nd or 3rd marriages less than optimal in regards to many important issues.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Men often do look to replace their wives because they want someone to take care of them. Been there and done that 3 times. I have been alone for 3 years and that’s the longest time in my life. I love only having to take care of myself and my dogs.

I wouldn’t mind having a male companion but I will never live with another man. I have met a few men but none were a good match for me. I agree that WR2 and Frank have the perfect arrangement.

 

[Major Tom]

I think many of us become more set in our ways as we age. I have spent the overwhelming majority of my adult life, whether in a relationship or not, living on my own. It would take a very unusual woman to make me want to live with her. I very much enjoy living alone, and being able to make all the decisions for my living space. I think that marrying someone and living with them would be a really awful thing to do to someone that I liked

 

[DrRoy]

My FIL remarried after my MIL died at 56.

 

[Badger]

Men often do look to replace their wives because they want someone to take care of them. Been there and done that 3 times. I have been alone for 3 years and that’s the longest time in my life. I love only having to take care of myself and my dogs.

I wouldn’t mind having a male companion but I will never live with another man. I have met a few men but none were a good match for me. I agree that WR2 and Frank have the perfect arrangement.

+1 If something were to happen to my wife I have no interest in remarrying. I would prefer to rescue some older animals and have an arrangement like WR2 if there was someone I would enjoy sharing my time with.
I don't need anyone to take care of me financially. What is more likely is I could need help with potential health issues at my time of life but I would refuse to be a burden in their remaining years.

 

[Venturer]

I met my DW at church when she came to a youth night with a friend. I was 14 & she 13. She was the cutest girl I had ever seen (still is to me). We started going steady the next year but it was another year before we could date without doing a double date, but after that we were basicly inseperable. Her Mom and Dad loved me but her Mom ask me to please wait until she graduated to get married. Her 2 older (by 14 and 16 yrs) had gotten married before getting out of highschool. I honored that request and we met our preacher at the church 1 week after she graduated.06/12/1971 we said I do. Were we ready? No but we were determined. It has lasted 52 3/4 years and counting. I truly hope we have many more years but I don't feel like I could ever marry again. I am too set in my ways and would not be a good match. She on the other hand would still be a good catch, but I don't think she would marry again. but if she did I wouldn't know it so there is that.

 

[lauradrops]

So I will tell a different perspective, one from a second wife.

My DH lost his wife of 13 years to cancer and I lost my fiance to a boating accident. I became a wife and stepmom of 2 boys (10 &14) in 2003.

Fast forward to now, married 20 years with a beautiful family. We had a daughter in 2005. Stepmother/brother/sister was never part of our vocabulary, we just became a family but never forgot to honor their mother.

All that said I can't see myself ever marrying again. I would definitely want companionship for travel, dinners out and such, but I think that would be it.

My husband would most definitely marry again, he's a man who thrives as part of a couple and truly loves being married. There would be no hard feelings from me because I would just want him to be happy.

 

[aja8888]

I met my DW at church when she came to a youth night with a friend. I was 14 & she 13. She was the cutest girl I had ever seen (still is to me). We started going steady the next year but it was another year before we could date without doing a double date, but after that we were basicly inseperable. Her Mom and Dad loved me but her Mom ask me to please wait until she graduated to get married. Her 2 older (by 14 and 16 yrs) had gotten married before getting out of highschool. I honored that request and we met our preacher at the church 1 week after she graduated.06/12/1971 we said I do. Were we ready? No but we were determined. It has lasted 52 3/4 years and counting. I truly hope we have many more years but I don't feel like I could ever marry again. I am too set in my ways and would not be a good match. She on the other hand would still be a good catch, but I don't think she would marry again. but if she did I wouldn't know it so there is that.

You are a lucky man!

 

[MarieIG]

So I will tell a different perspective, one from a second wife.

My DH lost his wife of 13 years to cancer and I lost my fiance to a boating accident. I became a wife and stepmom of 2 boys (10 &14) in 2003.

Fast forward to now, married 20 years with a beautiful family. We had a daughter in 2005. Stepmother/brother/sister was never part of our vocabulary, we just became a family but never forgot to honor their mother.

All that said I can't see myself ever marrying again. I would definitely want companionship for travel, dinners out and such, but I think that would be it.

My husband would most definitely marry again, he's a man who thrives as part of a couple and truly loves being married. There would be no hard feelings from me because I would just want him to be happy.

You are the second spouse of which people dream of getting in their family.

 

[rk911]

Based on my observation, men do not do well on their own after losing a spouse. I have two friends who both lost their first wives in their 70's and remarried in less than 18 months.

I've been married to the most wonderful woman in the world for 53..going on 54-years..next March. Add in 2-yrs of high school and we've been together since the fall of '67. Assuming I survive her I don't know what I would do, how I would get along without her.

 

[Koolau]

DW and I have been friends for 70 years though married for only 50+ years. That's a good way to start. At my age, I don't suppose I'd ever remarry. She says she would not remarry. Who really knows what could happen. I'm just hoping we have several more good years together. YMMV

 

[aja8888]

I've been married to the most wonderful woman in the world for 53..going on 54-years..next March. Add in 2-yrs of high school and we've been together since the fall of '67. Assuming I survive her I don't know what I would do, how I would get along without her.

Well, Rich, having just experiencing that, I can tell you that you will figure it out and will probably have friends and family that will help you. It won't be easy, though.

 

[badatmath]

Based on my observation, men do not do well on their own after losing a spouse. I have two friends who both lost their first wives in their 70's and remarried in less than 18 months.

+1

 

[FlaGator]

I'm a mid-60's male in the group that will always have/want to have a woman in their life. But my experience has changed how I think about the nature and legal structure of those relationships.

After being widowed 10 years ago (after 30 years together), I had 2 pre-teens kids to raise. It was about a year before a started the first of a few "experiments" before remarrying in 2020. Kids liked Wife 2 and all was good until it wasn't. The high likelihood of a divorce was clear over a year before it happened mid-year 2023.

Along the way, the oldest graduated from college, and the youngest is a freshman living on campus miles away. And for the first time in 40 years, I have no daily responsibilities to anyone but me. I am enjoying that, at least for now.

Many of the routine experiences of the second marriage have soured me on doing it again, and possibly cohabitating with anyone. Sleep incompatibilities and schedules, TV vs. exercise, socializing, travel preferences, pets, sharing closet space, etc. highlight earlier comments about being set in our ways. The odds of finding anyone to just plug into my life, or me to hers, are too small to pursue. Will be wonderful if it happens, though.

Met a nice lady a few months ago and have been seeing her since. Looks like a good situation for both of us - she's healthy, energetic, kids are grown, and close enough in age that we share common cultural experiences. Financially secure with her own house and nice pension. Enough common activities to enjoy our time together, while giving each other time and space to do what we each like and need to do. My kids like her, and she is respectful and appreciative of the close relationship I have with them. Oh, and -0- desire to marry again after her divorce 10 years ago.

Good start, taking it slow, and keeping expectations modest at this point. So far, this looks like the type of arrangement that suits me going forward.

 

[FlaGator]

I'm a mid-60's male in the group that will always have/want to have a woman in their life. But my experience has changed how I think about the nature and legal structure of those relationships.

After being widowed 10 years ago (after 30 years together), I had 2 pre-teens kids to raise. It was about a year before a started the first of a few "experiments" before remarrying in 2020. Kids liked Wife 2 and all was good until it wasn't. The high likelihood of a divorce was clear over a year before it happened mid-year 2023.

Along the way, the oldest graduated from college, and the youngest is a freshman living on campus miles away. And for the first time in 40 years, I have no daily responsibilities to anyone but me. I am enjoying that, at least for now.

Many of the routine experiences of the second marriage have soured me on doing it again, and possibly cohabitating with anyone. Sleep incompatibilities and schedules, TV vs. exercise, socializing, travel preferences, pets, sharing closet space, etc. highlight earlier comments about being set in our ways. The odds of finding anyone to just plug into my life, or me to hers, are too small to pursue. Will be wonderful if it happens, though.

Met a nice lady a few months ago and have been seeing her since. Looks like a good situation for both of us - she's healthy, energetic, kids are grown, and close enough in age that we share common cultural experiences. Financially secure with her own house and nice pension. Enough common activities to enjoy our time together, while giving each other time and space to do what we each like and need to do. My kids like her, and she is respectful and appreciative of the close relationship I have with them. Oh, and -0- desire to marry again after her divorce 10 years ago.

Good start, taking it slow, and keeping expectations modest at this point. So far, this looks like the type of arrangement that suits me going forward.

The Little Pixie and I did have a great NYE out with friends of hers that I met for the first time last night. A great couple, interesting lives and careers, and similar interests to ours. It was my best NYE in years, and she said it was hers in a while too.

And like magic today, the GF shows up for dinner with me and the freshman with tickets to an event that I would never have sprung for. Her friends (my new ones) are big fans of the event and have tickets as well. I went several years ago, and it's a lot more fun to do with another couple.

For those wondering what a relationship could be like after sadness and heartbreak, there is hope.

 

[2017ish]

Hmm. My answer is that I don't know. But, if (as is statistically likely) I pass first, I wish DW would do what is best for her. Nor would I block off a remarriage (or "non-marriage"). My mom and her second husband each had nearly 50 year marriages before meeting (through family) and embarking upon a second journey after their respective spouses' deaths; that has been a good thing for each of them.

We marked 40 years of marriage yesterday (NYE was convenient when in grad school!), and it has been great. Can't imagine a better relationship/marriage. But, whoever survives should not let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

 

[goingtotravel]

I have never lived on my own. I am definitely the “stronger” personality in our relationship and cared more about the way things went. He is pretty low key. I made almost all the household and financial decisions but I have often bent over backwards to do things the way he wanted to do instead of how I wanted to do it. After he passes I will have a chance to do things exactly how and when I want and I suspect I won’t want to change that for someone else.

My husband has been chronically ill since a few years into our 30+ year marriage and now he is terminally ill. I have had to deal with his health issues for decades, then I was in charge of the care of a family member for 5 years until they passed away, and now my husband has been diagnosed with a slow moving but terminal illness. I also need to have some time in my life where what I want and need is the only thing I have to think about. Maybe it's caregiver burnout and my thoughts will change at some point later in life but I can't imagine that I would ever want to get myself into a situation where I have to be a caregiver again.

 

[Redbugdave]

I believe a requirement towards having another spouse is the question of the other's finances and the question of family beneficiaries. Love over money?

 

[Stormy Kromer]

I've seen several second marriages fail.

The most common cause was one spouse putting their children and grandchildren before their marriage. Either their time or money, their kids came first.

 

[W2R]

Frank and I were each married for over 20 years to someone else earlier in life. His wife died, and I divorced my ex-husband (who never remarried and then died, later on).

We both feel like we know exactly what marriage is like, and we have independently chosen to never marry again for whatever reasons. OK, well, he's concerned about gold diggers but I don't want his money. As for me, I don't want to commit to such "wifely duties" as cooking for another man and doing his stinky laundry. There can be a lot of work involved in being a married woman (or living with a man) if you do it right, IMO, and the older I get the less I want more work. He's perfectly happy without a woman cooking for him and laundering his clothes. So, neither of us plan to re-marry.

We do plan to stay by each other's side for as long as we live, though. I think you all understand.

So, he was ecstatic when he found out I didn't want to marry (23 years ago), as was I.

 

[aja8888]

The Little Pixie and I did have a great NYE out with friends of hers that I met for the first time last night. A great couple, interesting lives and careers, and similar interests to ours. It was my best NYE in years, and she said it was hers in a while too.

And like magic today, the GF shows up for dinner with me and the freshman with tickets to an event that I would never have sprung for. Her friends (my new ones) are big fans of the event and have tickets as well. I went several years ago, and it's a lot more fun to do with another couple.

For those wondering what a relationship could be like after sadness and heartbreak, there is hope.

I am pleased to hear that you may have found a person to be with in whatever capacity it turns out to be!

I wish I was so lucky! But I am not seriously looking.

 

[athena53]

We both feel like we know exactly what marriage is like, and we have independently chosen to never marry again for whatever reasons. <snip>

We do plan to stay by each other's side for as long as we live, though. I think you all understand.

You and Frank have my ideal relationship. I'm in a 5-year relationship now and we have our own places and have no wish to remarry on either side, but he doesn't have the lavish travel budget I do and he's got a few dysfunctions (credit card debt, borderline hoarder, buys too many gadgets off Amazon) that would lead to a breakup if we lived together.

I've seen several second marriages fail.

The most common cause was one spouse putting their children and grandchildren before their marriage. Either their time or money, their kids came first.

Oh, yeah- that's another dysfunction. His family has no clue he's dating. He initiated the divorce and the Ex still wears her wedding ring. She'd be terribly upset if she knew he was dating (doesn't want him back, just a matter of control) and I know his elder daughter would sympathize with Mom. Elder daughter lives nearby and is mother to his 3 beloved grandchildren, whom he sees often.

Wow. Just typing this makes me realize what a soap opera this is.

 

[jollystomper]

This would be a challenging situation for either DW or me. I have observed men whom I have known who were widowed, and the responses have run the gamut from getting remarried in less than a year, to not remarrying but having a companion, to making quarterly visits to places where prostitution is legal to take care of their needs. And when kids of any age where in the picture... it got even more complicated.

DW and I met in college, dated for 7 years (though for 3 of those years we were on different continents), and have been married 40 years. We have learned to see our marriage not as an “obligation”, but a desire. We want to stay married, and each wants to please the other. It took a while and many challenges and temptations for this to develop, but fortunately iron sharpens iron. The majority of our disagreements these days are more one person feeling they are taking advantage of the other, and the other insisting this is not the case. Because it took a while, I would find it hard to find this with someone else.

I am independent in terms of personal care and socializing, and do not need marriage for that. I do my own laundry, I can cook (but DW does most of the cooking as this is her desire), I can clean (I looked forward to having my our dorm room and then apartment as I am a Felix Unger type), I can even sew repairs – all of those things society deems as “wife tasks”. I also loved DW enough to let her choose whether or not she wanted to work, and when. I may have earned the bulk of our marriage income, but it is all our money. In addition, I also do not mind going to social events and recreational activities by myself, though I am careful not to fall into the “creepy old loner guy” category .

One of the blessings we have is that we have physical intimately as a priority. We have only been with each other, and it was great to discover this after our marriage. Over the years we developed, shall I say, a “romantic repertoire of actions and adventures” that keeps that aspect exciting and active for us to this day, especially since they are all learned and developed between us. We do not yet have any physical ailments that impact this aspect of our lives. No need for supplements, I am still healthy enough to need nothing more than a “look” from DW . This is an area that, being set enjoyably in my ways, I would find extremely difficult to establish with someone else.

DW says she would rather join a chaste religious order than consider remarriage or even close male companionship (she still gets too many “wolf calls” to trust a lot of men). She would not want me to be alone, and kids me that she knows of several women who, after a decent period of mourning, would start "making moves" on me. However I have such a list of requirements relating to age finances, relationships, etc. that she doubts anything would happen. But, one just does not know. For now, we focus on enjoying each other for as long as we can, to continue to build memories that we hope will help sustain the survivor .

 

[rembrandt]

On the other side of that coin, one of my neighbors has been through five husbands. Never divorced; they just kept dying on her. She's a very nice person, so it's understandable that she attracted them, but she says she is definitely done with that now.

5 husbands? Sounds a little suspicious to me...