Death of a spouse...and a different story...

[Redbugdave]

One of my old work buddies (we have been retired for some time now) fairly recently lost his wife. This was his second spouse.

An observation...My friend's original wife of about 35 years passed away of cancer around 8 years ago. She was the love of his life and they had 3 kids together (now adults). About 2 years after her death my friend remarried. That spouse died after about 3 years...of pancreatic cancer. Look forward another couple years...and on Facebook a week ago I noticed he just got married again. I am not making this stuff up.

I was telling this to a lady friend and she said, "Women mourn and men replace". That was a new one on me.

 

[REWahoo]

I was telling this to a lady friend and she said, "Women mourn and men replace".

Based on my observation, men do not do well on their own after losing a spouse. I have two friends who both lost their first wives in their 70's and remarried in less than 18 months.

 

[njhowie]

Interesting.

Me and DW celebrated 30 years earlier this year. If she would happen to pass before me, no way I would ever remarry under any circumstance. I just could not see it happening.

Now, her father is another story. After her mom suddenly passed 20 years ago, he was remarried just a year or two later. The woman he married was also a widower going in to her second marriage. He's still married to the stepmonster - DW has never gotten along with her, and it's gotten worse over the years. I have to quietly exit the room if both of them happen to be in it at the same time.

 

[mickj]

For the original post: Don’t see the problem with the choices made, sad to have so much loss though

 

[Kings over Queens]

I used to kid that people would find out that my had wife died when my new wife called to tell them. "Yes, the funeral on on Tuesday." "Who am I?" "Michaels new wife."

That's how quickly I'd remarry.

 

[Closet_Gamer]

After my Dad died, my Mom dated someone quite seriously but was part of the "I will never take care of another old man" cohort. As we age, us gents aren't always graceful about it.

I'm glad she made that choice. Her boyfriend became ill and a total pain to everyone involved. It was hard for her, but she eventually said "this is not my problem." Good for her.

 

[street]

Interesting thread and makes a person think about it. I would never say never because things can change. It sure would help getting remarried for tax purposes though. Lol

A female friend that we could do things together with, would be the perfect scenario for me. No ties other than great friends.

 

[MarieIG]

Different strokes for different folks.

I could not see myself remarrying.

 

[Jerry1]

My dad remarried after he divorced my mom. When 2nd wife died after 30 something years of marriage, he remarried after less than 2 years. That marriage lasted about 15 years until last month when he passed at 92.

His 3rd wife has now outlived 3 husbands. She’s 89. My grandmother outlived 3 husbands and passed at 99. Never say never, but I can’t see me getting remarried. I expressed that to DW once and she said something like, gee thanks, it’s been so bad you wouldn’t do it again? Not at all. It’s been a great ride - we’re at year 43. It’s just that I can’t see me combining my life, especially the finances, with another person. I would likely have a companion, I hope, but not married. Frankly, I think W2R has one of the best deals going with her significant other living right next door.

Life with DW has been special in many ways, but the main thing we share is that we grew up together. I was 20 and she was 24. We both lived at home until we got married. We’ve both shared our money 100%. No separate accounts. We are one. That could never happen again.

 

[Which Roger]

Based on my observation, men do not do well on their own after losing a spouse. I have two friends who both lost their first wives in their 70's and remarried in less than 18 months.

Probably true in cases where the man was the provider and the woman the caretaker, but this is becoming less prevalent as time goes on, and I can cite a lot of counterexamples to this generalization.

 

[Kings over Queens]

After my Dad died, my Mom dated someone quite seriously but was part of the "I will never take care of another old man" cohort. As we age, us gents aren't always graceful about it.

I'm glad she made that choice. Her boyfriend became ill and a total pain to everyone involved. It was hard for her, but she eventually said "this is not my problem." Good for her.

This resonates.

Parents of a friend from high school, husband dies young, after a while widow starts dating a widower, someone I happened to know through business. They dated for years...decades, to the point they enjoyed their children having children.

I never learned why they didn't marry, wasn't my business, but when Gene got sick, she eventually told his kids to come get him. I had a hard time grasping that one, they'd been in a committed relationship for 20 years, living together for most of it.

Maybe she was physically unable to care for him? (My DM became ill first - and DF definitely did take care of her. We helped of course.)

 

[dmpi]

It's a demographic thing. Women live longer then men so there's more of them. It's easier for a man to find a women vs. a women finding a man.

 

[braumeister]

On the other side of that coin, one of my neighbors has been through five husbands. Never divorced; they just kept dying on her. She's a very nice person, so it's understandable that she attracted them, but she says she is definitely done with that now.

 

[Redbugdave]

We have been married 38 years now. She is the love of my life. I cannot see ever being remarried to someone else. That's the way I feel right now. But in the future how do we know how it will feel when we do lose our sole partner? She has told me in the past to get on with life if she was to go first. But that's from her perspective.

 

[VanWinkle]

Interesting.

Me and DW celebrated 30 years earlier this year. If she would happen to pass before me, no way I would ever remarry under any circumstance. I just could not see it happening.

Now, her father is another story. After her mom suddenly passed 20 years ago, he was remarried just a year or two later. The woman he married was also a widower going in to her second marriage. He's still married to the stepmonster - DW has never gotten along with her, and it's gotten worse over the years. I have to quietly exit the room if both of them happen to be in it at the same time.

Never say "no way" until you've been there. I've been there and thought the same as you...... I've been engaged for a couple years now.

VW

 

[Music Lover]

It's a demographic thing. Women live longer then men so there's more of them. It's easier for a man to find a women vs. a women finding a man.

While that may be true I think it's only part of it.

Some people can't stand being alone and after a relationship ends, whether it's by breakup or death, they'll almost always find someone soon after. Everyone knows people like that.

Others would rather be alone than with someone they don't think is a perfect match so when their relationship ends they could stay single a long time.

 

[Gumby]

I'm pretty sure the young wife would jump at the chance to upgrade. As for me, I'm just too cantankerous for anyone else to tolerate.

 

[Redbugdave]

I'm pretty sure the young wife would jump at the chance to upgrade. As for me, I'm just too cantankerous for anyone else to tolerate.

HaHa!

 

[Rianne]

Married 40 years this August. Stuck together through fat years, thin years. Some years I wondered "Who is this guy?" I'm sure he felt the same at times. We've adapted to each other's weaknesses and strengths. I'd be lost if he passed. He told me he'd find a 20-something bimbo if I passed. I appreciate that honesty. I thought what 20-something would want a fat old man? (He's not that fat)

 

[audreyh1]

My widowed DF stayed unmarried for 25 years until he passed away.

 

[brett]

Married 50 years.

I am in the 'never say never' group.

Sometimes it just happens. Could be a lifestyle thing if people are out and about, traveling, etc. and meeting people.

 

[Andre1969]

My stepdad made a comment about one day wanting the company of a woman, in the event something happened to my Mom. When did he make that comment? In the car with me, one day driving back from the hospital, where my Mom was in agony, dying from cancer.

I don't think I've ever been more disgusted with him in my life. And even now when I think about it, it turns my stomach. I mean yeah, I get it, you have to go on with your life. But timing, people! Here my Mom isn't even cold yet, and he's talking about replacing her.

Other than that, the only instance I can think of, off the top of my head, where the wife died first was my paternal grandparents. Grandmom died in 1994. I think she was either 76 or 77. Granddad was a few months shy of 80. As far as I know, he never had any interest in a woman after that. For awhile though, he had plenty of family around to keep him occupied though, and keep from getting lonely. My Dad was living with him, and that really turned out to be a boon, as Granddad aged, as it kept Granddad out of a home. Unfortunately though, my Dad spent so much effort taking care of Granddad, that he neglected his own health, and died 6 months after Granddad. Granddad made it to one month shy of 102. Dad, alas, died a few days after his 71st birthday.

On that side of the family, there were three children (my Dad and two brothers), six grandkids, and I forget how many great-grandkids. And Granddad kept driving, up until just before his 90th birthday, so he stayed reasonably active, with family and such, although as he got older, that did taper off.

 

[ivinsfan]

Interesting.

Me and DW celebrated 30 years earlier this year. If she would happen to pass before me, no way I would ever remarry under any circumstance. I just could not see it happening.

Now, her father is another story. After her mom suddenly passed 20 years ago, he was remarried just a year or two later. The woman he married was also a widower going in to her second marriage. He's still married to the stepmonster - DW has never gotten along with her, and it's gotten worse over the years. I have to quietly exit the room if both of them happen to be in it at the same time.

Stepmonster? just wow...according to the numbers you used your wife was a grown and married adult when the second marriage happened.

 

[Silver]

I live in a 55+ community in central Florida, and I have several friends who have lost their spouses, both female and male.

Almost to a man, the gentlemen do not want to be alone, and wish to find someone to date or marry. All my single female friends do not want any romantic relationships, but are happy to have platonic male friends.

One male friend told me that he finds it confusing when a woman is friendly toward him. He begins to think that they may be interested in him for a romantic relationship, until he asks them for a date and they decline....and then the friendship becomes awkward for a time. He wanted to know how to avoid this in the future. How can you tell a woman might be interested in more than just a friendship, he asked.

My suggestion is to just talk to them about what they want for their future before asking for a date. Perhaps just mention that you wouldn't mind dating someone, and ask if they know of anyone that might be a good match. I'm keeping my eye out for him, but so far no luck. All the women I know are not interested in any romance at this time in their lives.

 

[Andre1969]

Stepmonster? just wow...according to the numbers you used your wife was a grown and married adult when the second marriage happened.

I don't think there's an age limit for monsters. And often, they become more monstrous AS they age.