Death of a spouse...and a different story...

[street]

I knew a guy that was married 8 times. He is still alive and don't know how many more times he has been married. When I knew him that was 15 years ago now.

 

[rk911]

I've seen several second marriages fail.

The most common cause was one spouse putting their children and grandchildren before their marriage. Either their time or money, their kids came first.

That happened to a good friend who has since passed. I was best man at his wedding. She put her family first, then their kids when they came along and finally him, in 3rd place. They eventually divorced and then Bill and his HS sweetheart "found" each other and had many happy years together. They are both gone now.

Me? If I lose my wife I will remain single until I'm gone. I will always feel married to her.

 

[Librarian]

Not my observation

One of my old work buddies (we have been retired for some time now) fairly recently lost his wife. This was his second spouse.

An observation...My friend's original wife of about 35 years passed away of cancer around 8 years ago. She was the love of his life and they had 3 kids together (now adults). About 2 years after her death my friend remarried. That spouse died after about 3 years...of pancreatic cancer. Look forward another couple years...and on Facebook a week ago I noticed he just got married again. I am not making this stuff up.

I was telling this to a lady friend and she said, "Women mourn and men replace". That was a new one on me.

Uncle died 8 yrs ago. He was the life of every party...losing hiw wife crushed him, and he deteriorated quickly in the couple years after her death. The ladies at the church TRIED...

My mother died 2 years ago. Thought Dad wouldn't last a year w/o her. He is na a retirement home, doing well, tho NO interest in ladies...

 

[Present Aside]

Well, I lost my wife to pancreatic cancer when she was 46 and I was 47. Fast forward 7 years later to today and I’m still single. We would have celebrated our 30th anniversary less than a week ago. I don’t judge how anyone reacts to the loss of their spouse as it’s one of those things that you don’t know until you experience it. I think about would I get married if I met someone and I mighty in the right circumstances. It would be after I’m 60 and we’d really need to have the pre-nup figured out.

 

[Raygun99]

This thread makes me sad and glad. Everyone has to make their own choices. I feel fortunate to be on DW1 50 years this year. I play her this song every year.

 

[mystang52]

My Mom was only 48 when she passed. It's been a long time now, but as best as I can recall Dad started dating 6 to 9 months afterwards. He remarried a bit over 3 years after Mom's death, to one of the first women he started dating. That was Dad's personality, he definitely needed a woman partner and I never begrudged him. In my case, though, in the 1% chance I outlive DW I can't envision remarrying.

 

[Ger0n1mo]

I read a newspaper article many years ago from some expert (counselor or psychologist) addressing remarriage. It seems counterintuitive to many but the expert stated that widows and widowers that had great marriages usually quickly remarried. People in bad marriages were the ones that were reluctant to marry again. That was over 40 years ago and it seemed to bear out for all of my relatives, friends and acquaintances that lost a spouse.

 

[rembrandt]

I read a newspaper article many years ago from some expert (counselor or psychologist) addressing remarriage. It seems counterintuitive to many but the expert stated that widows and widowers that had great marriages usually quickly remarried. People in bad marriages were the ones that were reluctant to marry again. That was over 40 years ago and it seemed to bear out for all of my relatives, friends and acquaintances that lost a spouse.

Once bitten, twice shy.

 

[HGTVFanatic]

On the other side of that coin, one of my neighbors has been through five husbands. Never divorced; they just kept dying on her. She's a very nice person, so it's understandable that she attracted them, but she says she is definitely done with that now.

Sounds like a Forensic Files or Dateline episode. *

 

[GaryInCO]

I was married for 20 years. It wasn’t always idyllic, but I loved her to death and it was the happiest time of my life. But then she decided she didn’t want to be married anymore, and she unceremoniously dumped me. I was devastated. I decided I’m the type of guy who is happiest when he’s in a loving relationship. I want a loving best friend, companion, travel buddy, cooking partner…

I’ve been told I’m a great catch. I clean up well, I’m smart and caring, I’m healthy and active, I’m a good cook … I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, but it’s been 12 years now and I’m still single. I’ve been very active in several social groups and dating sites, but no luck. A few women have expressed interest, but I was definitely NOT interested in them. (Needy demanding types, or looking for a meal ticket, that type.)

I’m 67 now and I’m wondering if I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.

 

[ivinsfan]

Gary IMO it's a total crap shoot if you end up with a partner after a divorce or death.


You aren't doing anything wrong. There are a lot more moving parts to a second, later in life relationship. Jobs, kids, elderly parents and the list goes on. I'm pretty sure if you were just looking "for a woman" you'd find one.



Actually IMO those crazy sexual hormones drive a whole bunch of those early 20's relationships. Make you more willing to compromise or cloud your judgement depending on how you see it! I'm pretty sure that's the reason God made us that way!

 

[catii]

Wife #2 & I have been married for 45 years, & are still going strong. First wife divorced me after 10 years & 3 kids. She never remarried, & lasted about 7 years before she killed herself, taking the wrong medications (she was a doctor's oldest daughter, & knew better).

Whatever she found wrong with me, is exactly what #2 wants, & we couldn't be happier!

 

[Hermit]

Its been almost 15 years since DW died. We were married for almost 30 years. I still miss her, but the grief has passed. I think I am doing just fine living on my own and I don't see that changing. Besides, I think it would be a bit hard to maintain the Hermit persona if I were to get married. There have been women that have shown interest along the way, but I can't say I have met a women that struck me as interesting to the point of wanting to start a relationship.

 

[Present Aside]

I read a newspaper article many years ago from some expert (counselor or psychologist) addressing remarriage. It seems counterintuitive to many but the expert stated that widows and widowers that had great marriages usually quickly remarried. People in bad marriages were the ones that were reluctant to marry again. That was over 40 years ago and it seemed to bear out for all of my relatives, friends and acquaintances that lost a spouse.

That does happen but I was very happily married and I’m sure others were too and didn’t remarry quickly. There are many factors involved including the age of the people and children (if any).I chose not to date while my kids were still in high school. Once I started dating I met some nice women but COVID interfered. Then once I decided to leave the work world, I chose to also sell my house and hit the road. Life was complicated enough without adding in another person at that point. I’m open to a relationship but not sure why I should get married. You can be in a loving long term relationship without a license from the state. To each their own.

 

[Koolau]

This thread makes me sad and glad. Everyone has to make their own choices. I feel fortunate to be on DW1 50 years this year. I play her this song every year.

I love this song and group. Sadly, the lead singer, Judith Durham passed in '22 at age 79. I guess that fits in with one of the themes of loss in this thread.

Congrats on your 50 years! Unfortunately, our 50th occurred during Covid and we had to cancel all our plans for a reception, etc.

Here's my love song to my DW. I love this live version.

 

[Walt34]

Gary IMO it's a total crap shoot if you end up with a partner after a divorce or death.

It seems that way. After my divorce my priority was getting myself reestablished in my own house. At that time in the DC area house prices were high and headed higher and buying was the only way I could think of to lock in my housing costs. Being highly focused on that I'd made it clear that I was NOT interested in meeting anyone who wore a skirt. But I had this niece who kept bugging me and the young lady where she worked who turned out to be DW-to-be. Neither one of us was "looking" and agreed to meet just to placate and shut up the pestering niece/officemate. DW-to-be was also focused on her job and moving out of her parent's house as soon as she was financially able.

It started out very slow, in part because of that and partly because of my rotating shift work. After four years of dating both families had given up on us ever progressing beyond dating when "the light dawned over marblehead" that I was never more comfortable around anyone than her and I'd be foolish to pass up on this chance just because of one bad experience.

We've been married 35 years now so I think it's gonna work. The best thing that ever happened to me was meeting her.

As DW's sister put it "Everyone has flaws. The trick is finding someone whose flaws don't matter to you."

 

[rk911]

Our song is Love Is Blue , an instrumental by Paul Mauriat (1968).

https://youtu.be/rjsNNcsUNzE?si=Msn8F9SPOEMglIvq

 

[EastWest Gal]

I understand your experience. We are from a rural midwest farming community. DW and I started dating when we were 16, we will celebrate our 44th anniversary this August, we have been through just about everything life can throw at us, TOGETHER. We have worked, traveled , moved, raised kids, buried loved ones, and helped each other through success and failures, I pray she outlives me because I would be hopeless, miserable, and lost without her.

Your story sounds a bit like ours. DH and I met when we were 15 in a square dance club, but were going to different high schools. We were both in pretty serious relationships even at that age, but those ended when we were 21. He invited me to a New Year's party during winter break in college, and we went on our first date two days later, then I went back to medical school 400 miles away. We were a couple ever since, got married just before my graduation, and will be celebrating 40 years in four months.

I think he would be a bit lost without me. I don't think the opposite is true after 40 years. I've had little opportunity to do my own thing when it comes to family and household over the years. I wouldn't mind thinking of me first more than I have these past gazillion years.

 

[badatmath]

If you asked me today I'd say my ideal next relationship would be if i lived in a duplex and they were next door LOL. Get my own space mostly but no travel issues to see them.

 

[Koolau]

If you asked me today I'd say my ideal next relationship would be if i lived in a duplex and they were next door LOL. Get my own space mostly but no travel issues to see them.

Heh, heh, even after 50+ years together, this arrangement would sound pretty good to me, too. AND to DW.

 

[frayne]

Gary IMO it's a total crap shoot if you end up with a partner after a divorce or death.

Read somewhere and this has always kind of stuck in my mind for some reason. Fifty to sixty percent of first marriages end in divorce, sixty to seventy percent of second marriages and seventy to eighty percent of third marriages fail as well.

 

[Koolau]

Read somewhere and this has always kind of stuck in my mind for some reason. Fifty to sixty percent of first marriages end in divorce, sixty to seventy percent of second marriages and seventy to eighty percent of third marriages fail as well.

I've heard that people seem to always marry the "same person" in the 2nd and subsequent marriages. I w*rked with a woman who was on her 3rd alcoholic husband.

 

[athena53]

I've heard that people seem to always marry the "same person" in the 2nd and subsequent marriages. I w*rked with a woman who was on her 3rd alcoholic husband.

I'm an exception; learned my lesson from my first marriage. Second marriage truly was "till death do us part". Interestingly, the only divorce among my parents' 13 grandchildren was also someone who did far better the second time. First guy was a Zero and although he didn't have any genuinely awful characteristics, we just didn't see any outstanding qualities, either. Second husband was a Citadel graduate, smart, hard-working, would give you the shirt off his back, and a wonderful father.

Sometimes you learn from the first marriage what you DON'T want.

 

[Raygun99]

Had a Co-Worker divorced and remarried. He always referred to his first as "Practice Wife"
He said he learned a lot of lessons not to repeat!

 

[wyecrabber1]

I married my high school sweetheart when I was just shy of 21. She died 1 day before our 38th birthday. I think we both would say we had a near perfect union. We survived losing our youngest son at 24 due to an auto accident. She was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer 6 months after the accident and battled this disease for almost eight years. We she died I fought a very deep and dark depression. I was looking at the mass card and symphony cards a few months later. I opened a card from a single mom who I worked with 20 plus years ago and a voice inside my head said to go find Robin. We were married 14 months later.

I think men who have a good and loving marriage and lose their wife want to regain that. I'm blessed, I've have two ladies that love me. One is my first love. The other will be my last.