Sibling Doesn’t have a dime to his name

[robnplunder]

Mine gets on facebook and tells everyone a sob story. Poor health, can't work but wants to, etc. Of course, the rest of the family is evil since they have cut off the $ and taxi service....

I guess the world is filled with grasshoppers, not ants.........

Ha ha. I have a brother (and his wife) who only contacts family members when he needs $$$$ or help. Of course, he has excuses, reasons, and other sob stories. All the family members suffered through the years b/c of him. They both have narcissistic personality disorder (if not psychopath) and are now contacting everyone for help. His latest reason? He has early stage cancer. A few of my family members have initially helped him on the "news" but it was apparent that he & his wife are using his "cancer" to milk every dime they can. I refused to even see them for fear that he will again suck me in. They cried wolf too many times. My other brother passed away due to cancer but he has refused help for as long as he could. I and other family members didn't mind helping him. But not the remaining brother. He caused too many pain to others for too many times.

 

[mistermike40]

Maybe we could fix her up with my BIL, who doesn't feel the slightest guilt over not repaying loans.

I don't know how they would feel about it, but between them we would never see any money repaid...

 

[rayinpenn]

I don't know how they would feel about it, but between them we would never see any money repaid...

When you give the money there is no expectation of getting it back..

 

[Sunset]

I worry about my brother because he is my brother. He may be a 60 year old man but we siblings shared some very difficult times. He’s had some especially tuff breaks in his life not of his own doing. Still, No question about it -he is bad with money.

If he asks for help I’ll give it... but I won’t become his bank as it isn’t my money alone. We travel down life’s path but one time, all we can do is try to do the right thing.

Of course the issue is as soon as you give 1 cent, half of it is not your's.
One could state, "I'll only give some of my money, not my spouse's money". But how would you feel if your spouse gave all "their own" money to someone ?

 

[athena53]

Of course the issue is as soon as you give 1 cent, half of it is not yours.
One could state, "I'll only give some of my money, not my spouse's money". But how would you feel if your spouse gave all "their own" money to someone ?

I agree- in both of my marriages we had separate finances (I'm a bit of a control freak that way) but, at least in the second marriage, we understood that whatever each of us spent was money not available for something else, so we always agreed on major expenses/commitments beforehand, no matter whose account was the source of funds.

 

[gayl]

When you give the money there no expectation of getting it back..

+1

 

[rayinpenn]

Of course the issue is as soon as you give 1 cent, half of it is not your's.
One could state, "I'll only give some of my money, not my spouse's money". But how would you feel if your spouse gave all "their own" money to someone ?

Non issue as I’d get the ok before I gave... there’s no my money your money in my marriage it is ‘our’ money ...

 

[Katiek]

I have one sibling who is currently retired and they definitely have some money saved. Probably enough to last, but I'm definitely more conservative in my assumptions and planning than they are. I would actually be more than willing to help them in the future as they have been very willing to use their post-retirement free time to help our family. They spend more time assisting our mother than I do, have acted as an executor for two estates in the family without taking any compensation even though it was offered and have offered to take family members to various medical appointments. The fact they're willing to take care of these chores helps make it easier for me to work at my job.

The only problem is so far they've been unwilling to take any compensation or gifts for what they've done, and I expect they'll resist in the future, even if they needed something. But I'll keep offering while being careful not to offend their pride.

 

[Amethyst]

They sound like saints! They probably just want to know you love them.

I have one sibling who is currently retired and they definitely have some money saved. Probably enough to last, but I'm definitely more conservative in my assumptions and planning than they are. I would actually be more than willing to help them in the future as they have been very willing to use their post-retirement free time to help our family. They spend more time assisting our mother than I do, have acted as an executor for two estates in the family without taking any compensation even though it was offered and have offered to take family members to various medical appointments. The fact they're willing to take care of these chores helps make it easier for me to work at my job.

The only problem is so far they've been unwilling to take any compensation or gifts for what they've done, and I expect they'll resist in the future, even if they needed something. But I'll keep offering while being careful not to offend their pride.

 

[Shanky]

5 pages in and I am surprised no one has mentioned siblings who are penniless because of mental illness or medical issues. It is more common than you think, count your blessings.

 

[CardsFan]

5 pages in and I am surprised no one has mentioned siblings who are penniless because of mental illness or medical issues. It is more common than you think, count your blessings.

Since you mention it, I have a sibling with mental illness. He lived at home with mom and dad, until they passed in 2001-2. He could, and did, hide it at times. The biggest problem is getting the person to admit they have a problem. Basically, he had to blow through his minor inheritance and hit bottom. I live 1200 miles away, so I did not know he lost the house until he told me, after the fact. He would NOT try to apply for SSDI, since that required admitting he had a problem. Finally, after living on the streets and in shelters, he found an organization that provided housing, free of charge to start, and they helped him get the SSDI. They take a reasonable portion for housing (1/3 I think).

I did enable him for several years before the crash. I am now convinced, more than ever, that he had to hit bottom to bounce back.

We are not close, but we do communicate several times per year.

It can be very hard.

 

[street]

My wife sister and her husband are good people but can't save a dime. She spends like no other and now both in very early 60's are struggling even with SS. I would imagine SS isn't much for them any way.

Both those girls raised by the same parents and way of living and both are the complete opposite when it comes to money maters. My wife is very frugal and conservative and her sister is the opposite.

I love those people to death but I wouldn't loan or give them any money because it wouldn't be spent on what they really need. It is a sad deal.

 

[Souschef]

There are a lot of sad stories here. Aside from a mental or physical problem, and my heart goes out to them.
I have a cousin that has blown through not one but 3 inheritances. My dear BIL tried to workup a budget for them, and even he could not.
Fortunately, I am 3 thousand miles away, and am sure I will never hear from them..

 

[Moemg]

My Sister has a small amount of money mainly from inheritance but she is a nun . I really do not worry about her as the community takes care of her needs but if she did need something I would be there .

 

[atmsmshr]

The fickle finger of fate drives some situations - others are self inflicted.

Up to this point I have been fortunate and motivated.
DW has a degenerative spinal condition and does not work. She has handled this fate better than I could have.
Her younger DB still lives with octogenarian parents and does not work. He is healthy, good looking, fit and lazy. In laws are now broke but live in a McMansion.
Her older DB owns two fishing boats in Alaska. Look up "independent" in the dictionary to find a picture of him.
My DS and BIL are a wonderful pair - she is a nurse and he is an engineer with financial background. He was laid off recently, and they immediately bounced back and started an elder care business. This BIL has a sister whose husband died young, leaving $1M to care for the widow and young children. It was gone in 5 years.

Our DS and DD are young and doing well. We are confident in their life skills.

Of my 9 cousins, 5 are in the basket case category.

 

[Huston55]

Our experience helping family financially has not been all good. We happily helped a cousin for several years; s/he needed it, and we had the capacity & desire to help—that’s the good part. The bad part is that the gratitude turned into (unspoken but, nonetheless clearly) entitlement, which then turned into resentment. We now have no contact, which is unfortunate.

 

[athena53]

This BIL has a sister whose husband died young, leaving $1M to care for the widow and young children. It was gone in 5 years.

Wow- I don't know if I could run through that much money in 5 years even if I tried really hard. I suppose I could if I had an expensive boyfriend. How sad for the children.

 

[EastWest Gal]

You're probably right; but there is a lot more to life than money. Perhaps she felt a calling to help people, or maybe she just realized that her talents were more aligned to nursing than engineering. If either of those possibilities applies, she's much better off as an LPN than gutting it out as an engineer merely to earn a larger paycheque ... we only live once.



What a mess, indeed.



On the basis of the very limited information provided, it sounds like your BIL is immature (and/or in denial), and your sister treats him like a child rather than an equal partner. I suspect that their marriage is racked with mutual resentment.

They both have issues. I'm glad we live 3000 miles apart, sad to say.

 

[karen1972]

Well my oldest brother who is 52, moved in on Nov 1 to my mom's basement... supposedly to help mom since dad passed this summer. We all know it because he's a leach who has no money, wants to give his sob story to mom, and hope she gives him everything in the will... I mean he does so much for her (NOT).

Ironically, it ticks my other sister off, who is used to being the primary leach.. and now has to compete again.

Personally, I deal with it in my own way. I am trying to get my mom to sell off everything (auction planned in March), so that money can be invested. Once invested I know they can't get their hands on it. Then I will invest it for them trying to do what I can to increase the money available to my mom and then eventually them.

Whatever is there, is there..if they are willing to let me continue to invest for them when mom passes, I will happily assist...if they choose otherwise, I no longer feel any guilt whatsoever.

Reality is we all had the same opportunities. We all had the same upbringing and our parents taught each of us skills to make money..real skills, woodworking, baking, drywalling, mechanics, etc. The fact that some of them don't have money is about life choices...and that's not something I can fix.

You have one sibling that spends $20k on a motorcycle and one that puts $20k in an investment...so after 10 years, you have one person who is now has a motorcycle that costs money to maintain, insure, store, etc and one that now has say $40k. Nothing you say will convince the first sibling that somehow the second sibling didn't somehow get that money unfairly.

 

[Chuckanut]

A childhood friend of mine has been a bum all his life.

At best he would work just long enough to collect some unemployment then get himself fired. He was good at manipulating the system to get money.

Somewhere around 50 he decided that being a welfare king was not good enough. He was a real 'silver fox' with the kind of distinguished good looks that Hollywood wants when they cast 'Don Alejandro' in a Zorro movie. For 15 years he went from one well-to-do older woman to the next, living high off the love and generosity of these women. His wild life style caught up with him at 65.

Fascinating stories. But, I think the person who went through a million dollars in 5 years get the prize. I can't comprehend that. Obviously, I don't think big enough.

 

[GrayHare]

It's interesting that despite similar genes and upbringing siblings can have widely varying save vs. spend tendencies.

 

[Music Lover]

One of my friends has a brother who quit a good paying govt job when he was around 30. At the time he was living in his mother's basement (father had passed away) and he stayed there and is still there today 30 years later. What little he saved from working is long gone and he has mooched off his mother for the last 20 years.

My friend's mother just passed away at 89 and left her minimal assets (basically just a paid off house) to be split equally among her 11 children. His brother thinks that the siblings should all give him their share of the house for taking care of their mother. Their response was "no, you only took care of her for her last year. Prior to that she took care of herself".

So, he's now 60, hasn't worked in 30 years, has no assets beyond an 11th of a house that will sell for about $200k, and soon will no longer have a place to live.

 

[GoBears]

Unfortunately, DD is heading down this path and I am just sick about it. Age 20 and thinks she has life all figured out and won’t listen to anyone. She can’t hold a job - quit the last one after only two and a half weeks despite owing us over $3K. She has gotten pregnant from a casual on and off relationship that is off again and intends to keep the baby, enroll in Medicaid and move into Section 8 housing. I didn’t raise her this way. We’ve told her no further financial help and she can’t move back home with a baby because DW is disabled by chronic migraines and barely can take care of herself. I will not jeopardize my retirement, which will not be all that early, continuing to support my daughter and her family. I‘ve already raised my family. But, damn, I am angry.

 

[atmsmshr]

Fascinating stories. But, I think the person who went through a million dollars in 5 years get the prize. I can't comprehend that. Obviously, I don't think big enough.

She married a yacht broker, bought a McMansion and tried to have a lifestyle matching her husbands clients. When the money was gone - he left. Sadly, one of her kids left the family at 18 for a commune and has cut off contact with the family. The pretty and young widow's parents were wonderful Quakers who ran a successful insurance business. Apparently she refused all of their advice. I have stopped asking my BIL about how his train wreck of a sister is getting along.

 

[Chuckanut]

Unfortunately, DD is heading down this path and I am just sick about it. Age 20 and thinks she has life all figured out and won’t listen to anyone. She can’t hold a job - quit the last one after only two and a half weeks despite owing us over $3K. She has gotten pregnant from a casual on and off relationship that is off again and intends to keep the baby, enroll in Medicaid and move into Section 8 housing. I didn’t raise her this way.

Does she know how difficult it is to get Section 8 housing? It is very limited from what I have heard.

Do yourself a favor and don't slam the door in her face. No point in getting angry yourselves. But, also, don't enable her. It will be a long and difficult road until she grows up. Take care of yourselves.