single people - how long would it take someone to notice you missing?

[Sarah S]

My county sheriff’s department offers a free daily automated phone check in service for seniors and disabled people.

 

[ncbill]

Happened here in our neighborhood...a collection of townhomes, mostly occupied by older people after the kids moved out & they sold the big house.

Years ago a group by the pool noticed they hadn't seen M__ in a couple of weeks.

His unit backed up to the pool so the group goes up his back steps, sees the back door is slightly ajar, walks in and finds his body...worst part is it was a suicide.

 

[JoeWras]

One of the nightmare experiences in my life was doing a wellness check on a neighbor. My other neighbor was called by a child to check on his father, who had serious health issues. The child gave him the code to the door. My neighbor then asked me to go in with him as support (good idea, BTW). We enter and call out his name, and can't find him anywhere.

We finally get up to the top bedroom farthest away from doors, and there he is, face down in the couch with the rest of his body on the floor. But he was a live, barely. He clearly fell, so we didn't want to move him (another good idea). While waiting for 911, we pushed the cushion down to expose his mouth and nose and we got a small groan out of him.

911 came quick. It was good to have a lookout for 911, and someone else to keep him company.

911 moved his body and he immediately coded. They had to resuscitate him on site. He was alive for a few days in the hospital until he passed. At least his family was able to come in and say good bye.

My take-aways about things done right:
- He had someone checking by phone at least once a day
- They had someone local (my neighbor) as back up to help with the check in.
- My neighbor got backup (me) for the wellness check
- We didn't move someone in distress, just allowed better breathing

Yes, he could have called 911 to back him up for the wellness, but we honestly thought it would be nothing, just a misunderstanding. We did not expect to find him near death. My neighbor also casually knew him a bit. If this was a complete stranger kind of neighbor, we wouldn't have done it.

 

[aaronc879]

For me it would depend on my Mom. If she called or texted and I didn't answer she would probably be over to my house within 24 hours. If she didn't call or text then I would be there indefinitely as there is no one else i'm in regular contact with. Sometimes we don't call or text for several days, that would not end well for me.

 

[mountainsoft]

My guess is that eventually there would be some kind of tip-off, like the mail piling up, some bill not getting paid, or the neighbors becoming concerned if the grass grew too tall and unruly. So, it could conceivably be awhile before someone discovered me.

Our income is all direct deposit and our expenses are all autopay, so my financial life would go on even if I die. We also live in a rural wooded area, so I doubt anyone would notice if the yard grew out of hand. As you mentioned, I think the mail piling up would be only real tip off, assuming the mail carrier followed through and had someone checkup on me.

If my wife was gone, my daughter would probably check on me every week or two. Maybe not enough to get help in an emergency, but at least my dead body wouldn't be laying around too long.

My mom had a stroke back in 2017. She lived a couple hours away and had cut off all contact with family for over 20 years. I would send her letters a few times a year, and figured as long as they weren't returned she was probably still alive. She was very reclusive, her neighbors never saw her and she had let the yard/house go for years. So when she had her stroke she laid on the floor for five days, urinating and defecating where she laid, crawling to whatever food she could reach from the floor. Eventually, she found enough strength to climb up and grab the wall phone to call 911. Otherwise, I assume she would have died (probably from starvation) without anyone knowing. She could have been dead in that house a very long time without anyone noticing (maybe the smell would give it away?).

 

[GravitySucks]

DD2 checks in every other day. DGF texts everyday. So probably 2 days max before someone would drive over to check on me.
DD2 is lobbying hard for me to get an Apple watch with fall detection. In not an Apple guy but that might put me back over to the dark side.

 

[iloveyoga]

One of the nightmare experiences in my life was doing a wellness check on a neighbor. My other neighbor was called by a child to check on his father, who had serious health issues. The child gave him the code to the door. My neighbor then asked me to go in with him as support (good idea, BTW). We enter and call out his name, and can't find him anywhere.

We finally get up to the top bedroom farthest away from doors, and there he is, face down in the couch with the rest of his body on the floor. But he was a live, barely. He clearly fell, so we didn't want to move him (another good idea). While waiting for 911, we pushed the cushion down to expose his mouth and nose and we got a small groan out of him.

911 came quick. It was good to have a lookout for 911, and someone else to keep him company.

911 moved his body and he immediately coded. They had to resuscitate him on site. He was alive for a few days in the hospital until he passed. At least his family was able to come in and say good bye.

My take-aways about things done right:
- He had someone checking by phone at least once a day
- They had someone local (my neighbor) as back up to help with the check in.
- My neighbor got backup (me) for the wellness check
- We didn't move someone in distress, just allowed better breathing

Yes, he could have called 911 to back him up for the wellness, but we honestly thought it would be nothing, just a misunderstanding. We did not expect to find him near death. My neighbor also casually knew him a bit. If this was a complete stranger kind of neighbor, we wouldn't have done it.

Always have someone go with you on a wellness check or if you suspect something is wrong.

 

[Goonie]

I, along with some of my close friends, am single/never married and it's a topic we discuss occasionally. Currently I'm not overly concerned, because I'm the full-time, live-in caregiver for my 94 y.o. mom, and she'd notice very quickly if something happened to me. However, once she passes on, I have a very minor concern about how long it would be before I was missed.

Fortunately, most of my neighbors and I keep in regular contact through texts, calls, and visits, and we all pretty well know each other's coming and going schedules and approximately what time each other's house lights are turned on and off at night. A few years ago, our next door neighbor called me at about 3:00 a.m. wondering if we were alright, because he had gotten up to use the restroom and saw our kitchen light on, which is normally turned off at midnight. We were fine and had fallen asleep watching TV. He apologized for calling and waking us up, but I was glad that someone noticed something out of the ordinary.

Also, my cousin who lives nearby, as well as several of my close friends, keep in contact very regularly via texts, calls, visits, and social media, so they'd know quickly if they didn't hear from me. I`ve been contemplating the possibility of having my cousin or a close single friend move in, sharing expenses and watching out for each other's well-being after mom has passed.

 

[Momcpa]

We live in a very rural area. When we are going to be gone for more than a day or two, we usually leave a form that the post office has telling them to hold our mail between certain dates. The postmaster said that they appreciate getting the form as they have been worried in the past when a person's mailbox gets overfilled ..... they wonder if they should call the police and/or be worried about that person. (small town, no close neighbors out here in the country)

 

[Telly]

A bit macabre, but there is a routine here in TX on "welfare checks". The police ring doorbell and knock repeatedly, loudly announcing who they are. They walk around the outside of the house if they can. If no answer after a while, they then try to look in windows. When looking in windows, if they see multiple flies sitting on or bumping up against the inside of the glass, it's time to break in. All blinds can be closed, but the flies will find a way around them to get to the light.

 

[misanman]

A couple of situations of which I'm aware:

1. The funeral home had a guy that was found after neighbors complained of the smell. They believe he'd been dead in his apartment about 30 days. His cats and maggots had been at work by that time. Son came in to make arrangements - hadn't talked to his father in 2 years.

2. My SIL's father was walking the state forest near his property in the spring time. Still some snow on the ground but melting when he found a tent that had collapsed from heavy winter snow. There were two men inside, brothers it turns out. Their clothing indicated they had been out tenting in late summer or early fall. They were found in the spring time and no one had reported them missing in all that time.

 

[jollystomper]

Not single, but DW and I were both raised in cultures where it was a habit of "checking in" on family/friends/neighbors who lived alone. Some of this rubbed off on our kids. With our empty nest, if one of us (usually me) had to leave the other for travel for a while, the other would suddenly hear from our kids every day, if they lived nearby they would find a reason to stop over, etc. The ones overseas all have friends who live in our area and we found out they would let the friends know as well.

One of my brothers lives alone a couple of hours from us. He is in touch with at least one of us siblings on a daily basis, so if none of us did not hear from him for a day we'd probably go check on him (2 other siblings live within 30 minutes of his house).

Two of our neighbors are widows in their 80s. They are still mobile and we are used to see them outside almost every day. DW is good in that if she has not seen them, or if there is bad weather, she will call just to say hello and see if they need anything. They seem grateful for that.

 

[Amethyst]

It's seasonal here and many of the homes are second homes, so I don't think anyone would notice until there was an odor! We were going to the gym and were thinking of joining the Unitarian church, when COVID hit. So no real contacts other than tradespeople. The lawn and pool people would notice if we didn't pay them.

Six months after moving here, and with me outside in the yard nearly every day, I was shocked when the guy remodeling the foreclosure next door, tore down the fence between our homes (there are swimming pools!) without a word to us. His excuse was "I never saw a car in the driveway, so I figured nobody lived there."

That was bad enough, but then I met the mailman, who, for once, brought a package to the door and rang the bell. He, too, expressed a certain amount of surprise that someone lived here full time. He said he'd started seeing new names on the mail (mostly junk these days), figured renters...but he also noticed the yard was being cared for and the grass was looking good, so now he knew why!

 

[athena53]

I live alone and so does BF- a little over an hour from each other. He sends a daily e-mail to his family every morning. His Ex lives in the same town and they're on cordial enough terms that I'm sure she'd check if she or the daughters were concerned.

My case is different- DS and DDIL live 3 hours away, siblings 1,000 miles away. BF and I e-mail 2 or 3 times daily and see each other on weekends. I'm going to see him today and plan to tell him that if he doesn't get any communication from me over 24 hours to have the police do a wellness check.

I'm not as concerned about not being found after a sudden death but it would be pretty awful to lie helpless and conscious with something that could be treated. A friend who was an IT gig worker had a stroke in his hotel room far from home and he said it took "the better part of a day" to get to his phone and get help. I wonder how much better his recovery would have been with earlier intervention. I really need to get one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" devices but I'm "only" 68 so I'm fighting it.

 

[street]

It's seasonal here and many of the homes are second homes, so I don't think anyone would notice until there was an odor! We were going to the gym and were thinking of joining the Unitarian church, when COVID hit. So no real contacts other than tradespeople. The lawn and pool people would notice if we didn't pay them.

Six months after moving here, and with me outside in the yard nearly every day, I was shocked when the guy remodeling the foreclosure next door, tore down the fence between our homes (there are swimming pools!) without a word to us. His excuse was "I never saw a car in the driveway, so I figured nobody lived there."

That was bad enough, but then I met the mailman, who, for once, brought a package to the door and rang the bell. He, too, expressed a certain amount of surprise that someone lived here full time. He said he'd started seeing new names on the mail (mostly junk these days), figured renters...but he also noticed the yard was being cared for and the grass was looking good, so now he knew why!

I think your story is pretty common. People with high fences aren't outside much, don't have much for visitors and have a garage things can look like a vacation home etc..

Amethyst, you just need to get out more! Lol

 

[JoeWras]

I'm not as concerned about not being found after a sudden death but it would be pretty awful to lie helpless and conscious with something that could be treated. A friend who was an IT gig worker had a stroke in his hotel room far from home and he said it took "the better part of a day" to get to his phone and get help. I wonder how much better his recovery would have been with earlier intervention. I really need to get one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" devices but I'm "only" 68 so I'm fighting it.

Yes. This is the concern. My story above about the neighbor is an example. We're not sure how long the poor guy suffered face down in the sofa.

He had terminal cancer, but this sudden issue was still a surprise and way ahead of his expected lifespan. It might have been a stroke or something. In any case, his last days on earth included at least 1 day of severe suffering in that terrible position he was in.

 

[street]

I can honestly say, I don't know how long it would take for someone to realize I was gone.
As of now my wife would know and vise versa. If she would go I would have to make some plan for a daily check it.

I guess I might have some my friends watch the sky, and if they see the buzzards circling, then they may want to have someone check if I'm still upright.

 

[Amethyst]

As I said in my post, I'm outside in the yard nearly every day. Some people have noticed this, but they live several streets away and wouldn't think twice about it if I wasn't out there.

And most of them have seasonal homes elsewhere. We're the rare year-rounders. That's the real rub. In MD we lived far apart on huge lots, but our next-door neighbors clearly kept an eye on us.

Still, we do stay in communication with relatives. Someone would, in fact, notice pretty fast if I didn't answer the phone or text. They just don't live near us.

Amethyst, you just need to get out more! Lol

 

[JoeWras]

And most of them have seasonal homes elsewhere. We're the rare year-rounders. That's the real rub. In MD we lived far apart on huge lots, but our next-door neighbors clearly kept an eye on us.

Amethyst: I hope in time you make connections with the year-rounders. I think you will. When I lived near Boca, we year-rounders eventually got to know each other and keep a look-out for each other.

I found it just takes longer to make connections in an area with a lot of seasonal residents.

 

[MarieIG]

Well if DH goes first (which is unlikely) since I have all sons - I might never be found . . .

 

[razztazz]

I really need to get one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" devices but I'm "only" 68 so I'm fighting it.

I was going to get one as a birthday present on my 70th birthday whether I needed one or not, since you never know when the first time you'll need it will be. I'll be 64 this Summer.

Last Summer when I was recovering from the heart attack I researched several with every intention of getting one. Shook hands with the Grimey Reaper. Then I dropped the subject because I was feeling so much better. Now that I have a defibrillator installed I don't know if I should feel more motivated to get one or less motivated...?

 

[easysurfer]

How long before someone notices - 2 days max

How long before someone investigates if I drop off the face of the earth - probably weeks

 

[RunningBum]

I try to keep my cell phone on me as much as I can. It takes a little more dexterity to use than the alert device but at least for now it's good enough.

I'm less concerned with being dead and undiscovered, but my GF would figure it out and go check on me. It'd take a lot longer for my son to realize it.

 

[braumeister]

I try to keep my cell phone on me as much as I can. It takes a little more dexterity to use than the alert device but at least for now it's good enough.

That's a good practice. Unfortunately, I'm prone to forget my phone when I go out. Last year I needed to replace my original Apple Watch and I got the cellular version this time. I always have it on my wrist, and it's really amazing since I can make a phone call with it even when my iPhone is miles away. Full Dick Tracy mode. Rarely needed, but it gives me a good feeling of confidence.

 

[JoeWras]

Speaking of phones...

Da*n Google or Android Mafia or whomever! Recently they changed the lock screen somewhat subtly with a bigger clock and a few colors. I just realized that my ICE (In Case of Emergency) number which I had there is gone.

[EDIT: I restored this information by adding both a lock screen message and emergency contact. Not sure what update wiped it, but something did. For more information, search for "android in case of emergency" to get instructions on adding your own. I'm sure iPhone is easier, as usual.]

I found this because of this thread! I just checked my phone, and I was going to tell you all that even though my phone is locked, someone who finds me on the street can call DW, specifically for bike riding when I don't want to carry anything else. But now it is gone!

This is not theoretical. My co-w*rker had a run in with a curb and went unconscious. My co-w*rker had no ID, so there was nobody to call. It was quite an issue in the hospital until his brain started working enough (about 1 hour) for him to tell them who he was. BTW, he apparently came out OK. Just a severe concussion, separated shoulder, etc. I say "apparently" because we don't know the ultimate impacts of such severe concussions.