The Stealth and Sabotage Purges - grounds for divorce.

[aja8888]

I would not purge someone's clothes but literally when the shed is full of old junk that someone has not used in 20 years and the person won't let go of it that is ridiculous.

Ridiculous? Maybe to you, but it is commonplace.

 

[ivinsfan]

Ridiculous? Maybe to you, but it is commonplace.

Anybody who has ever watched an episode of American Pickers knows that for a fact!

 

[Chris7]

My DW helps keep my hoarding tendencies in check, but throwing out stuff behind someone's back can really backfire. To this day, I believe she has thrown out a particular keepsake of mine. It is very frustrating and allows for a small crack in an otherwise good relationship.

And like someone else pointed out. They often only see your "junk". They seem to overlook theirs.

cd :O)

 

[Walt34]

Yeah, and what about the millions, maybe billions of dollars worth of old comic books, etc. that parents junked when the kids went to college?

Indeed, the wealth that my mother trashed.

Sigh. Not only would I now be living in Hawaii, I'd all but OWN Hawaii. Sigh.

 

[aja8888]

I have a suspicion that my mother threw out my baseball card collection started in the 1950's when I went on active duty in the Air Force in 1964. I am still peeved about that. Those original Mickey Mantle's would be worth a ton now.

 

[Sunset]

My Mother would spirit disused toys out of the house and sell them to a local consignment shop. She did not ask first, because we would have said No. If a child noticed something was missing, the response was "Well, I didn't see you playing with/you didn't seem to be interested in X any more."

The fact that my sister and I remember this so many decades later, testifies to the depth of our resentment. But that may not apply to adults. Your own risk.

Same with DW, at least the toys disappeared to who knows where.
She has pretty much nothing from her childhood, and is amazed that I have a few things, and played with toys for years as a child.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I purge my own stuff regularly because I do not intend to leave behind a mess for my kids. If he dies before me after his kids are done seeing what they want I will be calling 1-800 you got junk.

 

[FlaGator]

Late DW couldn't get rid of anything. Eventually told her any new toys for the kids could only enter the house if something left on a 1-for-1 basis. Bad idea, that just made a mess of the garage and didn't change anything inside the house

However it gets done, purging needs to happen. Understand the relationship dynamics, and consciously decided to keep everything intact when she was fighting for life. After that battle was lost, I consolidated all the stuff that she squirreled away over 20+ years as we were preparing to move. Invited friends to pick over the excess, and they were happy with their haul. Those bags of clothing are less than 25% of what I ended up donating. Living a bit leaner now, in a larger house. Won't let that happen again.....

 

[Scrapr]

When was the last time you inventoried your stuff?

This! I know I have some shirts from college that Mrs threw out

Hardly any holes and 2 sizes too small. But I'm getting back to 150 lbs soon.

I have tried to enforce/suggest a no touchie for one year and out it goes. I'm having a hard time getting traction on that plan

 

[jollystomper]

I have been tempted to do a stealth purge with DW's books - she has at lest several thousand - but as was mentioned before, I decided that trust and honesty is what is important in our the marriage and I can't bring myself to do that.

DW knows I think she has too many books and too many clothes... but I do not bring the issue up as a complaint, and she gives me a lot of credit for being patient with her on them. We work things out. And some of the "credits" she gives me are, well...

 

[GravitySucks]

Late DW couldn't get rid of anything. Eventually told her any new toys for the kids could only enter the house if something left on a 1-for-1 basis. Bad idea, that just made a mess of the garage and didn't change anything inside the house

However it gets done, purging needs to happen. Understand the relationship dynamics, and consciously decided to keep everything intact when she was fighting for life. After that battle was lost, I consolidated all the stuff that she squirreled away over 20+ years as we were preparing to move. Invited friends to pick over the excess, and they were happy with their haul. Those bags of clothing are less than 25% of what I ended up donating. Living a bit leaner now, in a larger house. Won't let that happen again.....

When my DW passed I gave over 50 bags of clothes away, at least 50 pairs of old shoes and I was finally able to throw two garbage bags of miss matched socks.... Some were baby socks, my youngest was 24 years old.
I would never be a stealth purger. That's incredibly un thoughtful.

 

[Live And Learn]

Wow. That is just mean.

I like the idea of moving it to a new area, but my next step would be to do a "big reveal" and say "this stuff has been sitting out of sight for 3 months. maybe we can just donate it ? someone else might enjoy it more than we are since we haven't missed it in all this time".

Thankfully DH and I are both minimalists and only "collect" things that have meaning to us. And we both self-purge the stuff we no longer feel attached to.

 

[harley]

I get a daily newsletter from Family Handyman, with all sorts of hints and tips. A lot of times it's about storage, but sometimes it touches on getting rid of stuff. One I really liked recently was an idea to hang all your hanging clothes in the closet with the hanger backwards, hooked over the bar in reverse of how you would usually do it. As you wear items and put them back in the closet you put them back in normally. After a year (or whatever period of time works for you) anything still hanging backward goes to the thrift shop.

I should do that, as I've still got pants and shirts hanging from my working years, and I RE'd 11 years ago. And I haven't worn a tie since 2004. I don't even know what the style is now. Maybe my old 70s wide ties are back in by now.

 

[lwp2017]

My own experiences is that women are best at stealth purging when the purged objects are certain articles of clothing in their man's wardrobe

This ^^^^^^

My favorite pearl snap western-style shirt, bought from the defect rack for $5.

Wife hated it from day one. Of course I enjoyed wearing it frequently.

One day I realized it was no longer in my closet..........

 

[rayinpenn]

This ^^^^^^
My favorite pearl snap western-style shirt, bought from the defect rack for $5.
Wife hated it from day one. Of course I enjoyed wearing it frequently.
One day I realized it was no longer in my closet..........

Being the victim of a stealth purge you can either get angry or reevaluate you stuff situation... my newly organized car is sitting in the garage which is great because it has gotten cold here.

 

[Sarah in SC]

I am the hoarder, mostly, but I got rid of over half my bloated book collection after reading that Kondo tidying book.
Women “have to” own clothes in at least 3 sizes to have something to wear as our weight fluctuates, unless you are one of the lucky ones who maintains fighting weight throughout life. That’s a lot of clothes.
I once used DH’s collection of old Playboy magazines to wrap glassware for a move when we ran out of newspaper. It was an excellent stealth purge maneuver!

 

[ivinsfan]

When my DW passed I gave over 50 bags of clothes away, at least 50 pairs of old shoes and I was finally able to throw two garbage bags of miss matched socks.... Some were baby socks, my youngest was 24 years old.
I would never be a stealth purger. That's incredibly un thoughtful.

So this situation would be my definition of hoarding,used clothes can find a new home and user if they don't sit in your basement for 25 years...

In my book a hoarding spouse would be unthoughtful...if my spouse insisted on keeping bags of 25 year baby socks, I'd have no problem "stealth" purging them.

 

[Cassius King]

DW and I are in the process of cleaning out the garage. We have a rec room in the basement that was our kids toy/play room. When the kids got older, I turned this room into a home office. In order to go through things, get organized and start a purge, I moved all of this stuff to the garage. Fast forward 10 years and I'm just now to the point where I have DW on task to go through this stuff.
I would have never gotten rid of anything without her involvement. DW had a couple of traumatic experiences in early childhood where her family moved in the middle of the night before being evicted for not paying rent. As a child, you are not aware of this, her memories are of being awaken and being rushed to the car, only having a few minutes to grab whatever her tiny hands could to take with her. As a husband, and loving my wife dearly, I'll never throw anything of hers out. We work through it together and I'm entirely understanding when she does want to hold on to something. She's made great strides and we are both, together, going through the garage and getting it cleaned.
The simple thought of throwing another persons belongings away behind their back bothers me. You have no idea what has sentimental value, or what needs to be kept. My wife has done an incredible job of letting go and only keeping a few things that have great memories attached to them. And we have a stronger relationship as a result of working together, understanding and making concessions. Sorry for the long post, but this really hit home with what's going on at home at this moment.

 

[GravitySucks]

So this situation would be my definition of hoarding,used clothes can find a new home and user if they don't sit in your basement for 25 years...



In my book a hoarding spouse would be unthoughtful...if my spouse insisted on keeping bags of 25 year baby socks, I'd have no problem "stealth" purging them.

Just the sock bags were that old.
The 50 bags of clothes were mostly newer. She changed sizes a lot in her last few years

 

[Pilot2013]

I would urge all to purge. DW and I just spent the better part of this year going through and getting rid of her parents hoarded things. Moved to the garage, adn then had to rent a dumpster to haul it all away.

I don't want my kids to have to do that...

 

[ivinsfan]

Just the sock bags were that old.
The 50 bags of clothes were mostly newer. She changed sizes a lot in her last few years

As a female I totally get the size thing, yet styles change and in reality our bodies are harder to change...the sooner I acknowledge I wont' be that size again the more someone can benefit from my no longer fitting clothes. Our church has an annual community free clothing event as one of our outreach programs and it's greatly improved my attitude about clothes hoarding.

 

[Brat]

Starting our purge

My husband asked about my plans for the weekend. I mentioned that I want to spend at least an hour a day straightening up our storeroom (which is the size of some condo bedrooms) as I couldn't access gift wrapping paper. A year ago it was as neat as a pin but he decided to tackle our collection of old slides and got lost reliving his year-long trip to Europe before we met. The place was a mess. For some reason his inventory of Boy Scout stuff came up and he resolved to separate his from our son's. He pulled out boxes and boxes of stuff Saturday. He went through it all, pitching his Scout leader notes and found his old Air Explorer uniform (a similar one just sold on EBay for $350+). I washed all the clothes, except the aforementioned, and he packed them and patches (some of which are over 65 years old) in sealed bags in our bedroom closet.

He loves EBay and has "documented" his offerings extensively in the past. Putting Scout stuff on EBay should keep him busy through Christmas.

He also has lots of electric train items from the mid 40s. all in their original boxes in great condition (yes he is anal retentive). Maybe I should encourage him to add some of those to his Christmas EBay offerings.

Then he had the audacity to mention that I had a box of my family genealogy paperwork in the storeroom. I told him that I would retrieve it when I could reach it.

 

[akck]

While my wife isn’t a hoarder, she does hold on to a lot of stuff for sentimental reasons (i.e., kids school projects/art work, old toys missing parts). She thinks they might want them later, even though they’ve said to toss it. I’ve taken the tact of saying we can get rid of it or let them get rid of it after we’re gone. I’ve also stated that if we move, we are not going to move stuff, just to throw it out later. I don’t think we’ll be moving.

 

[Walt34]

The simple thought of throwing another persons belongings away behind their back bothers me. You have no idea what has sentimental value, or what needs to be kept.

This, exactly.

Decades ago my ex threw out a jacket with patches on it from when I was a volunteer in a rescue squad. Not being a current member by then, I never wore the jacket. I was furious about it and about bit her head off, and I still remember her shocked expression at my reaction. To her it was simply an old jacket that I never wore.

The reason that jacket was so important to me is that I was wearing it the first time I was on a team that had saved a guy's life.

That kinda changes the whole picture, doesn't it?

 

[Texas Proud]

This, exactly.

Decades ago my ex threw out a jacket with patches on it from when I was a volunteer in a rescue squad. Not being a current member by then, I never wore the jacket. I was furious about it and about bit her head off, and I still remember her shocked expression at my reaction. To her it was simply an old jacket that I never wore.

The reason that jacket was so important to me is that I was wearing it the first time I was on a team that had saved a guy's life.

That kinda changes the whole picture, doesn't it?

Which is exactly why someone should ask!!!

I had kept my shirt from when I first got paid from somebody... it was an Exxon shirt... WAY too small for me... I had it in the back of the closet... at least with this DW did ask... I kept it for maybe another year but then decided who really cared!!!

Now, I did keep my Rocket's championship Tshirts... but the leak from the bathtub into the closet and the wicking up those two shirts ruined them... so now they are rags