The Stealth and Sabotage Purges - grounds for divorce.

[rayinpenn]

My work buddy and I were on of our get-away-from-the-desk walks in our 5 story parking lot; We start at the top and make our way down. We were discussing living with the purge and our latest purge triumphs. He confessed to just how bad the fever has a hold of him, and introduce me to Stealth Purging. Apparently his wife, like mine, hasn’t fully ‘found God’ when it comes to the purge. What my buddy does is move the offending piece of stuff out of sight. Then after some unspecified time, I’m guessing when it feels safe the item gets disposed of. It is critical that the disposal go undetected; so you cant just put it out to the curb. On trash day on his drive to work he simply adds it to one of his neighbors piles. The logic of this is if the wife doesn’t miss it she wont notice when it disappeared. Later should the wife ask about it my friend simply claims ignorance. I thought to myself “whew I don’t know if i can do that - even if it is for her own good. If my wife finds out there will be hell to pay.” I am by nature painfully honest.

When I finished chuckling my buddy revealed the depths of his disease. The Sabotage Purge. Apparently he and the wife had removed the vertical blinds in both boys rooms and replaced then with curtains. The Mrs insisted they hold onto those blinds. Apparently my buddy dutifully moved them here and there for some years. Recently when they were painting the rooms a wave of Purge Fever insanity took over and he deliberately stepped on them. He then called the Mrs and “why are we saving these blinds they are crushed and useless.”

I am shocked i tell you - just shocked but, also impressed. I need to buy this guy a beer.

 

[gauss]

Cute - but it seems like it could undermine the trust in the relationship.

But then again I am the one holding onto things in our relationship so I view this from a bit of a different perspective.

-gauss

 

[rayinpenn]

But then again I am the one holding onto things in our relationship so I view this from a bit of a different perspective.
-gauss

When was the last time you inventoried your stuff?

 

[gauss]

When was the last time you inventoried your stuff?

Probably 5-10 years ago when DW helped out with it, made nice labels etc. etc.

Been busy the last few years dealing with late fathers house contents and MIL's old house who has moved on to a smaller condo.

-gauss

 

[Amethyst]

My Mother would spirit disused toys out of the house and sell them to a local consignment shop. She did not ask first, because we would have said No. If a child noticed something was missing, the response was "Well, I didn't see you playing with/you didn't seem to be interested in X any more."

The fact that my sister and I remember this so many decades later, testifies to the depth of our resentment. But that may not apply to adults. Your own risk.

Later should the wife ask about it my friend simply claims ignorance. I thought to myself “whew I don’t know if i can do that - even if it is for her own good. If my wife finds out there will be hell to pay.” I am by nature painfully honest.

 

[donheff]

I'm lucky, my DW is better at purging than me. I'm just too lazy to weed through stuff. She makes me do it now and then. The only exception is a bunch of crap she had me drag up into the attic years ago. But just yesterday she suggested that we go up and clear out the junk we don't need from that pile.

 

[bingybear]

Cute - but it seems like it could undermine the trust in the relationship.

-gauss

+1
Recently I had parts to repair some plumbing. Without them I would need to rip a fair bit out since they don't sell them any longer. They have replacements, but you have to redo a lot of the work.

DW does not typically toss much. But we have started a purge and re-nesting in the house. I think this was stirred from downsizing DMIL to move into an elder facility. Looked like they never purged in 40+ years in their house.

 

[eyeonFI]

I do this with my kids unused stuff. On the rare occasion they ask for something I've gotten rid of, I reply something like, "I don't know where that is... maybe if you cleaned your room you'd be able to find it.." (they have never actually attempted to find whatever it was .

 

[HadEnuff]

I'm pretty sure DW has employed this tactic. It's a variation of how I used to buy winemaking equipment. She'd find some new piece of kit in the basement and ask me when I bought THAT??

I'd say, "That? Oh I've had that for quite some time.".....Not technically a lie I suppose.

 

[Maenad]

That's a really shitty thing to do to your spouse. Most "stealth purgers" that I've known are really good at recognizing someone else's junk and really bad at seeing their own, so they purge others' stuff while theirs is sacrosanct.

I couldn't stand being married to someone who would go behind my back like that, and I'm the purger in our house.

 

[CaliKid]

We both hate crap pretty equally and have similar OCD issues so we are good.

 

[kcowan]

We have encountered hoarders on home swaps. Every closet and spare space is stuffed with stuff. We had to use spare rooms to empty our suitcases. One even had a spare bedroom crammed to the ceiling with surplus furniture.

They always comment on our "light" living style. We just purge whenever we acquire new stuff. It is a constant battle.

 

[Nemo2]

"Hey, what happened to that piece of tin foil that I was saving?"

 

[Texas Proud]

I know that my DW has done stealth purges when we first got married.... but she came to realized that just because something might have sat around for a year or more and not been touched does not mean it can be purged... and if it is missing there is only ONE person to blame...


Now she just nags until I blow up enough times that she knows we will keep it or I get tired of it and throw it out myself....


Remember, purging can go both ways.... I can get rid of stuff she would not want to get rid of...


As an aside.... the real test of the purge is if the person goes out and buys what was purged (if possible)...

 

[ivinsfan]

That's a really shitty thing to do to your spouse. Most "stealth purgers" that I've known are really good at recognizing someone else's junk and really bad at seeing their own, so they purge others' stuff while theirs is sacrosanct.

I couldn't stand being married to someone who would go behind my back like that, and I'm the purger in our house.

That's a lot of generalizing, as always every couples situation is a little different...if you have a spouse that keeps collecting and never wants to purge anything that's something you just have to put up with? What if you have a goodwill box and after 3 years your spouse has never used or asked for the item but if you suggest donating they resist? After all it's your house too. What if you have so much stuff in your house you resist have people over because of the clutter and mess? This is how episodes of Hoarders get started.

Would you divorce your spouse because they wanted clear out house clutter?

 

[Chuckanut]

My own experiences is that women are best at stealth purging when the purged objects are certain articles of clothing in their man's wardrobe, or the old souvenir from a trip with a former girlfriend.

Dane Hansen, who operates a small steel business in Pleasant Grove, Utah, says that throughout his 11-year marriage, 15 pairs of cargo shorts have slowly disappeared from his closet. On the occasions when he has confronted his wife about the missing shorts, she will either admit to throwing them away or deflect confrontation by saying things like, “Honey, you just need a little help.”

Wall Street Journal calls cargo shorts ugly, people freak out - Connecticut Post

 

[harley]

My Mother would spirit disused toys out of the house and sell them to a local consignment shop. She did not ask first, because we would have said No. If a child noticed something was missing, the response was "Well, I didn't see you playing with/you didn't seem to be interested in X any more."

The fact that my sister and I remember this so many decades later, testifies to the depth of our resentment. But that may not apply to adults. Your own risk.

Yeah, and what about the millions, maybe billions of dollars worth of old comic books, etc. that parents junked when the kids went to college? No wonder kids have to move back home, their early investments got tossed out.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I am the purger in our house and my DH never gets rid of anything. I have done plenty of stealth purging. I let him have a large shed, 1 car garage and his office as crap holes with his stuff. However, none of that junk comes into the rest of the house. If some never disappeared he would not have room in his spaces.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Anytime you gaslight your spouse, you are treading on divorce grounds...and rightfully so in your friend's case.

 

[Mdlerth]

Love conquers all...

...and when it doesn't, try humor.

No doubt you fine people think I'm a broken record on these domestic issues. I believe that marriages only thrive on honesty and patience and demonstrations of affection. Unilaterally discarding your beloved's treasures secretly is skating on thin ice. Surely no bit of clutter is worth risking a dunk in divorce.

When it comes to changing something - anything - there will always be costs and benefits. It's hardly fair that one of the parties endures all the cost of a change while the other enjoys only benefit. Whatever happened to loving couples arriving at mutually satisfying decisions? Whether it's negotiating what to do with the 10 tons of surplus junk in the attic or selecting which color to paint the bedroom, couples who value the relationship more than they value "winning" will find ways to satisfy everyone.

There are at least three (probably more) options:

• You could drip. "Wouldn't it be nice to have some extra space in this house?" Repeat weekly. This option takes time, but persistence overcomes resistance.
• You could bargain. You give up this and I'll give up that", or "you give up X and I'll give you Y." This option won't be free, but it will be WAY less expensive than divorce.
• You could employ humor. "What did the wife say to the husband who saved boxes of old magazines in the garage?" "You've got issues!" Ha ha!

DW and I typically pick option 3. We are veterans of hundreds of home improvement projects. No such endeavor proceeds without unexpected obstacles: injuries, messes, cost overruns, do-overs, etc. Trust me: every bruise, splinter, paint splatter and pratfall is an opportunity for mutual blame. There's nothing like applying wallpaper to make you appreciate the verisimilitude* of the Three Stooges.

But we're still together after 37 years. We learned to lubricate our labors with generous dollops of jokes. Corny jokes, inside jokes, lowbrow jokes, but jokes nonetheless. When the $#!^ hits the fan, which it invariably does during a home repair, a witty riposte** works like magic. Something about laughter dissipates frustration while preserving stamina to finish the project. And the love remains intact.


*What a great Tuesday! I got to use a five dollar word in front of people who will understand it! Something that never happens at the j*b. Sadly, I w*rk in the land of the Philistines. One more year, one more year...

**How about that? A second sawbuck! Oh frabjous day! Calloo, callay!

 

[Nemo2]

I believe that marriages only thrive on honesty and patience and demonstrations of affection.

+1

Plus discussions, (not necessarily the sit-down-across-the-table types, but more the "How does this sound?" ones); the better you know each other the less explanation regarding your perspective is required.

 

[aja8888]

My DW "stealth purged" some old sweatshirts I had in the closet for 20+ years. I was Bull$**t when I found out. Those were old collectible sweatshirts I had brought to the marriage in 1996 from my previous life (which was pretty much all I had gotten away with).

On her side of the closet (maybe 3/4 of it), are all her work clothes (business attire) and other clothing she has dragged around since her teenage years. I reminded her that her stuff remains intact and she is purging mine? NOT!!

So now, anything that either one of us wishes to dump, gets approval from both parties before entering the landfill.

 

[ncbill]

We have a closet running the length of one of the bedroom walls (~20 feet)

My clothes occupy about 1/4.

 

[Koolau]

A guy at w*rk took it upon himself to purge a bunch of old parts used in various instruments. His theory was that we hadn't used them in years, what were the chances we would need them. Of course, within weeks of his purge, a couple of older instruments failed and needed the parts we had saved for that eventuality - and that he had purged. The parts were no longer available for sale, so the useless instruments took up bench space (a stark reminder, perhaps) until our management finally decided to replace them. Lesson learned? Probably not. When someone is in the mood to purge - purging happens, one way or another. YMMV

 

[Teacher Terry]

I would not purge someone's clothes but literally when the shed is full of old junk that someone has not used in 20 years and the person won't let go of it that is ridiculous.