What If We Don’t Get Along???

[Midpack]

I was reading a study done by people who had divorced multiple times but then finally married and it stuck (a very specific yet logical sampling of "married") and they said one of the things all respondents stated that caused failure of the prior marriages, but not current marriages was having your own identity but being able to adapt as your spouse's identities change throughout the course of the marriage. This is because your identities WILL change. So my advice, be open-minded and understanding, give space when needed.

I’ve never had a problem giving space and encouraging her to ‘do her own thing’ some. And she has her own set of friends. But I’m worried she may not want me to do my own thing much. We’ve talked, she says she will, but she’s very clingy on weekends now. That won’t work for me 7 days/week. We’ll see. After 39 years, she still surprises me regularly...

And we’re relocating so we’re both going to have zero friends for a while. Making new friends gets harder as we age IME. That could force us to rely on each other more for a while at least.

 

[kgtest]

That could force us to rely on each other more for a while at least.

Oh yes it will! There is a certain stress that comes with experiencing 'new' together, but isolated until local bonds are created. DW and I have 2 separate personalities. She prefers a book on a couch and I prefer social interactions. This is what brings each of us our joys, yet we are opposite in that.



Its evident the opposite spectrum on days when we are together for long periods. I would say, try not to resent one another. My folks stay busy making the rounds with kids/grand kids but might not be possible for you. When in doubt, my therapist always recommends falling back to the things that make you happy when you were a small little lad. If that's sailing, well guess what you're doing! And DW can't complain! If it's building LEGO's she can't complain about that either!



DW and I have had roots in a few places and each place we go, we try to get involved with the things we each enjoy and then also try to forge a common bond. The last place was Maui where we went for walks on the beach, boardwalks together and got ice cream when we wanted to de-stress. Having that common forged activity to do almost automatically brings you back together. You are older and wiser, this is spoken from a younger you!

 

[Teacher Terry]

We downsized to 1400 sq ft upon retiring. We each have a separate office and a tv in the living room and one in the bedroom. We watch some shows together but not all. We do some things together but some separate. When we go on cruises we sometimes take different tours and do different activities. He has taken acting classes and been part of a choir on cruises and that doesn’t interest me. When we RV we are together 24-7 or land vacations and that’s fine too. We have a month limit on being together so much. We have so much fun together. You will find your balance.

 

[audreyh1]

Sounds like a combination of anxiety over retiring and moving at the same time?

 

[Midpack]

Sounds like a combination of anxiety over retiring and moving at the same time?

Anxiety is much too strong a descriptor, I expect we’ll adjust well. I was just asking what I don’t know I don’t know. And I realize moving may delay finding our new equilibrium.

 

[Souschef]

I realize moving may delay finding our new equilibrium.

That is understandable. When we got married we each moved from our 1800 sq ft homes we had been in for 25 years or more to our new 1400 sq ft home.It did take a little adjusting.
We have a side patio & BBQ, and a full width front porch. If either of us wants some alone time, we have a place to get it.

 

[48Fire]

After 39 years happily married (she tells me ) I’m joking — aren’t I?

But when DW works her last day on Feb 1, we’ll be together like never before. It occurred to us we were both working when we met and later married, so we’ve never been together more than a few days at a time other than a two week vacation occasionally - obviously ideal circumstances.

We know we’ll need to have lives of our own along with lives together. I’ll be sailing, playing golf and several other guy things and she knows she needs to have her own interests apart from me too.

I think we’ll be fine, but I’d welcome any learned wisdom you have to share, so I’m not tempted to go back to work...

Midpack, you are wise to ask the question about the health of your marriage. The only advice I can offer is to be observant of your changes, your wife’s changes, changes with your family and friend relationships, and the social/environment changes.

We were blindsided by the problems that we experienced post ER. Going in to ER, we had what everyone viewed as the perfect marriage for 29 years. We had disagreements and arguments, but nothing that really lingered.

Immediately after ER, things changed. We both changed individually, the dynamics between ourselves changed, and the social environment changed. We relocated, and that was a big change as well. Throw in the emotional impacts of family issues and close family members dying. We experienced a significant number of medical issues, mostly on my wife’s end. The new normal set in. The problems we faced were mostly minor in nature, especially from my point of view. But they laid unresolved, festered, and repeated.

The amount of time spent 1:1 with each other is probably 20 times more in ER than it was while I was slaving away for Megacorp. Stress and other issues could always be blamed on Megacorp. Problems we used to deal with individually, we were now working together much more often.

After 5 years post ER, we hit what we hope is the bottom about five months ago. My wife didn’t want to go to therapy. I think she was afraid what they might tell her. We decided to “have it out”, and it seems to have helped, although it was painful. The problem is that there is still some lingering pain and deep feelings, that we have to guard against. Who knows what the future holds, but at least we still love each other.

Good luck to you and yours