A relationship question from a friend

[teetee]

I have a friend who recently got into a romantic relationship and asked me about a challenge they are facing:

male: 46 single never married, live in the US, close to his 73 yr old mother with A.Fib who needs caring. He can work remotely. His mother owns her own house and does not want to move anywhere. He has a younger sister raising a 5yr old daughter by herself and she lives ~40mins away from his mother.

female: 33 single never married, live in Singapore. Her job does not allow her to move out of Singapore. Her parents own a business and are semi retired. She has purchased a condo in construction which takes 3 more years to be move-in ready.

Challenge: both of them are looking forward to getting married and moving in together but he can't leave his mother without regret, and she can't leave her career without regret.

They need a strategy that can help them overcome this challenge within the next couple of years, before she starts worrying about the potential risks of pregnancy over age of 35.

Thoughts?

 

[njhowie]

He has to decide what his priorities are. If he comes to grips with that, then everything else falls into place.

 

[Aerides]

They are not a match. In another life, maybe, but this is not gonna work.

 

[COcheesehead]

They are not a match. In another life, maybe, but this is not gonna work.

+1

 

[pacergal]

They are not a match. In another life, maybe, but this is not gonna work.

Unfortunately, I agree. Neither one of them is able to change their current life circumstances at this time.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

My first thought was that I hope he isn’t sending her money for her condo- or any other reason.
I’ve seen this happen to people before.

 

[Aerides]

Just to add, even if one or both of them had no issues with moving, this is a challenging relationship.

At 46 and 33 they are more different than they can know from a relationship that's only been visits and vacations so far. They haven't (I'm guessing, based on their local ties) been in the same town together, dating, normally, for a year. This has been long distance, with a large age and probably cultural gap.

If I were talking to the 33 year old woman on the end of this, I'd say if she wanted, she should move to his town, and DATE him from her own apartment for a year, and only then decide if she wanted to marry him, which will quite likely include taking on a large share of the care for his mother for possibly the next couple of decades. And then be married for at least a year before trying to get pregnant. And then only if she likes the idea of him being 70 when their first child goes to college. At best.

She's far better off looking for someone local, closer to her own age, with similar goals.

 

[MarieIG]

This is a tough situation. There is a major cultural shift involved for one of them (the one moving) and he/ she would need to establish that they can tolerate living in their new potential home.

I also agree with Aerides, that the couple should live apart (in the destination country) and date for a year prior to taking the marriage step. In my opinion, during this time they should also keep their finances separate, although they can discuss how they would handle finances during the marriage.

With the mother/ job issues, this looks like a major hurdle to overcome.

 

[mystang52]

I'm serious. I'd punt and not answer the question, other than telling your friend " lots of issues to hammer out. This is something you need to work out on your own." Based solely on the brief initial question, I can't help but wonder if there's some possible con job going on, on the part of the 33 year old. But to say that to your friend would be a volatile situation. Just my 2 cents.

 

[gromit]

OP, have you met the 33 year old woman in person? Has your friend met her in person? I would ask your friend when she plans to visit here or him there. Any excuse from her on a meetup, especially a financial one, is a huge red flag screaming "catfish, scam, etc".


Assuming she is real, I agree with Aerides' posts. I also notice that you seemed to say this is a recent relationship, so why are they talking marriage so soon, in a long distance relationship?

 

[Gumby]

I never give relationship advice, because people will ignore you and then blame you when things go wrong.

 

[skyking1]

I tend to agree with that. I've come to believe that there are a certain subset of people that have a broken chooser. I don't know how it got broken but we've seen it all before.

 

[latexman]

They have excellent medical care in Singapore. Take Mom and go visit for a few months. Try it out. More data; better decisions.

Btw, we lived in Singapore 1992-1995. I'd go back!

 

[tmm99]

I have no idea what would be good. I see a lot of challenges ahead. If she's a nurse in the Philippines, for example, the job won't be easily transferrable to the US. Living separately in the US sounds good, but even if she could find a job in the US, she would have to get a work visa to come to the US, which isn't that easy unless she works in a field that's booming in the US and some company wants to sponsor her.

 

[W2R]

They are not a match. In another life, maybe, but this is not gonna work.

Yep.

As the Rolling Stones sang, "You can't always get what you want.." and this is an illustration of that fact.

He needs to gently break it off, and move on. Luckily, they only recently got together in the first place, which may help them emotionally during this time of initial break-up.

Maybe later if/when situations change, they could get back together.... but right now, all I see ahead for them is misery and conflict.

 

[tmm99]

They have excellent medical care in Singapore. Take Mom and go visit for a few months. Try it out. More data; better decisions.

Btw, we lived in Singapore 1992-1995. I'd go back!

A lot of Japanese people retire in the Philippines for this particular reason, along with the cheaper cost of living. But I can see the OP's mother not wanting to leave family/friends, but it's worth a try...

 

[tmm99]

I wonder how many people would have answered differently if there wasn't a huge age gap and if the woman was not from the Philippines... Those are two sticky points that people see in this situation, I think...

 

[ImaCheesehead]

Assuming he is not being scammed, why can’t a 71 year old with A Fib care for themselves? My mom is widowed, 81, owns a home with 3/4 acre yard that she cares for plus, since she is in WI, she snow blows in the winter. I am a full time RVer so usually am at least 1000 miles from her. We keep in touch via FaceTime and semi annual visits.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

I wonder how many people would have answered differently if there wasn't a huge age gap and if the woman was not from the Philippines... Those are two sticky points that people see in this situation, I think...

The scams that I have seen unfold with other people were situations similar to this but both people lived in the U.S. and were close in age.
Watching from the outside you could see the train wreck about to happen but you can’t really do anything about it. [emoji2370]

 

[Dream Weaver]

I wonder how many people would have answered differently if there wasn't a huge age gap and if the woman was not from the Philippines... Those are two sticky points that people see in this situation, I think...

The only sticky point I see is the fact that he is tied to his mom and his gf is tied to her career and condo. One side has to make a sacrifice or break it off. Maybe it is time for mom to move to assisted living or get a visiting nurse so her son can have a love life (and hopefully start a family) of his own overseas. If the relationship falls apart once he's over there in person he at least took a chance and won't live with the regret of never knowing what could have been.

The age gap is not HUGE. I've noticed that single women over a certain age like to be catty about older men dating younger women even though that is their only choice if they want to procreate.

 

[Sunset]

hmmmm.... This sounds like the girl my friend was involved with.... without actually meeting her.

Seriously, have they met and spent some weeks together at a minimum

If not it's a scam.

 

[RetiredHappy]

I see the caution of your friend being scammed. Rest assured that this 33 yo woman is actually well to do. A low-end condo costs more than USD1M and up in Singapore. She is likely to be worth alot more than the man. Can this woman change her job to one that will post her to the US?

 

[tmm99]

My bad. I don't know why, but I thought she was from the Philippines. Singapore is a totally different story. It's a very wealthy country as a whole, and as far as I know, it's very expensive to live there.

 

[RetiredAndLovingIt]

It sounds like they have never actually met in person so how can they be talking about possible marriage at this point, that's very suspicious. He wouldn't be the first guy (or girl) to be conned into thinking that they've finally met the person of their dreams who also just happens to be independently wealthy and self sufficient. If your friend is asking for your opinion, my guess is that he is also having some reservations about the situation so I'm curious how they met. I would recommend that he treads warily, does some background checks and takes a lot more time to get to know this person.

 

[Unpaintedhuffhines]

Just how remote can he work? Can he work Singapore remotely or 3-4 states over remotely? If he's on conference calls US time, then he's going to be working in the middle of the night in Singapore. That's doable if it's 3-4 calls/month. Not practical at all if it's, say, a daily standup call at noon CST. There are also income tax implications about working in a different country, so it depends if he's a contractor or full-time employee.

Age difference is not that big of a deal, but leaving behind family for most is a really big deal. Yes, his mother would probably be fine, until she's not, and then what?

I'd budget for at least 4 trips/year back to the US to stay for a couple of weeks. And while it is technically feasible to fly Behind the Curtain (GASP), I cannot imagine doing that frequently (or really ever). And business class flights aren't cheap - figure $8K each if you buy in advance far enough. And when you *need* to get back quickly, figure $10K-$12K. Per person.

Someone is going to have to give up something big time. A difficult way to start a relationship.