Single Income or SWR With Significant Other?

[pjigar]

Same here for 47 years - and it's worked well. Except for shoes. Apparently there is a law of nature that says "I must have more shoes!" Other than that we are good.

Its hand bag for me! Joking aside, I have to force my DW to spend since I spend a disproportionate portion. She has credit cards and she is free spend as much as she wants but never did or never will.

 

[RetiredGypsy]

It's wonderful how many people wound up with partners with the same spending habits. I'm reminded of the positive connection made about that in The Millionaire Next Door.

 

[cme4oil]

My DW and I have been married for 40 Years this year. We have always had joint checking savings and she has always balanced the check book and I have always taken care of making the investing decisions. We are and always have been free to spend whatever we each want to. Works for us as we have always had plenty to go around and save. We have a nice house and cars but don't need to keep up with the Jones.

 

[Moemg]

I was the only one that worked for pay. We resolved the allowance thing early on when she agreed to let me set aside a little for myself each month.

Maybe if you are nice she will give you a cost of living raise ?

 

[RetiredGypsy]

Maybe if you are nice she will give you a cost of living raise ?

My dad often tried for this SHMBOCOLA.

 

[brewer12345]

We never did the allowance thing. If anything, DW is more frugal than I am. I made multiples of what she did, but she was also primarily a SAHM. We maxed out retirement accounts, saved the bonus and talked about anything more than a hundred bucks (more like 200 these days). Neither of us cares about conspicuous display or particularly fancy stuff (although she would be truly shocked to know what the value of her jewelry is), so it has always worked.


I think that ground rules matter more if the two of you are farther apart on this stuff. If you are too far apart, rules probably do not matter.

 

[rodi]

My parents had the allowance thing going before my mom went back to work... He gave her an allotment for groceries and household expenses - anything left over was hers to save/spend as she wanted. They had some big fights over how much she spent on work suits, etc... and they resolved it by dividing the bills - he paid mortgage and taxes and his own spending money... she paid for everything household/utilities/food and her own spending. That worked for them.

I married late - and after a few decades of being in charge of my own finances was nervous about sharing accounts... But after a year I was comfortable to share the accounts/expenses.

We discuss irregular purchases. I'm the head procurement officer - groceries, household items, amazon purchases... If he spends money on himself he lets me know so I can enter it in quicken. I'm also the head bill-payer.

Neither of us are big spenders... so it works out fine.

 

[Rustic23]

We are like CME4OIL. After all the prime expenses, including savings, are set aside, either one of us can spend what is left. We have always communicated with each other and never had a problem. For me, marriage is a partnership. Just because I made the money does not mean I should control it. I always wanted DW to feel like it was OUR money, and she does let me spend some of it.

 

[Animorph]

#1 pooled all income
#2 budgeted and paid for all common expenses, including kids/house/retirement savings
#3 Split the rest 50/50 in individual accounts, spending and saving

We had various versions of common versus individual expense splits. For example, maybe one person's car gets used for all the joint trips. We ended up paying each other the IRS mileage rate for all miles. So you can get a fancy car all by yourself, with your money, but the mileage reimbursement is a fixed amount. We started the mileage thing when DW got stuck with a long commute through no decision of hers.

After I get my new car DW will have about twice the value of my investments, so maybe I should have done something differently...

 

[kimcdougc]

Knew DH 2 weeks when we married. Talking about not having a pot to pee in. Our checking account went down to less than a dollar for years. I have always been the main bill/investor person. DH always made more than me. I was fortunate to work part time most of our marriage.

It has always been our money since day one. We have always put our money together. He got money for lunch etc (after we were married 20 years, before that he always took lunch to work).

Always put 10% of our pay in the 401K. We both still live below our means, although he is way more frugal than me now a days. No need to watch prices as close as 38 years ago. Works for us. We usually discuss big purchases but otherwise no need.

 

[marko]

We set aside a weekly amount to a debit card account from which we each charge or take cash as we need. That is OUR (joint) spending for the week for day to day expenses (gas, grocery, general weekly expenses).

If we run dry, we switch to the credit card.

 

[DEC-1982]

My DW and I have been married for 40 Years this year. We have always had joint checking savings and she has always balanced the check book and I have always taken care of making the investing decisions. We are and always have been free to spend whatever we each want to. Works for us as we have always had plenty to go around and save. We have a nice house and cars but don't need to keep up with the Jones.

Somewhat similar except I do the check book also. Major decisions are made jointly. We are sensible grown up adults and trust each other.

 

[Sue J]

DH was the earner and I was the SAHM. We have always had joint accounts for everything, but DH never looked at any of it. He would get itchy, squirmy and almost nauseous around money topics. He wanted me to handle everything. I could have absconded with all of it or become the shopaholic wife with the Target bags hidden under the bed. He would not have noticed. As long as the bills were paid, there was food in the house and he had spending money in his pocket he trusted me with the rest of it.

Luckily I am a natural saver and a low risk investor. He liked being detached from our money and trusted me to run things, which I did. I tried to keep him informed of changes as things progressed.

Finally, when he retired I insisted that he be more in touch with all of this. He's really tried to understand our day to day stuff. He does most of the shopping and likes to deal in cash so we've gone to a cash system.

As for the OPs question about allowances, we both get pocket cash for the month. DH gets more than me because he likes to go to thrift stores and buy crap. His pocket cash means he has a limit and he plays the game of can he make it last until the end of the month. I rarely spend my pocket cash and I end up saving it. Lately I've been making donations to a senior dog rescue or I save it up for a big purchase like a computer or iPad or kitchen thing I want as a toy.

I wish he would be more interested in all of this but it doesn't come naturally for him, I know he's just doing it for me. Just shows that opposites attract. So far the first 40 years have worked out nicely!

 

[mrfeh]

Never needed to set a spending limit. If both people are on the same page financially and are responsible, it shouldn't be necessary.

 

[Danmar]

We have always kept our finances fairly separate. In Canada it is important to keep assets separate in order to allow investment income to be taxed separately (no concept of joint returns). As well when we were first together I was going through a messy divorce. This encouraged us to keep things somewhat separate. As it turned out her assets now generate a nice dividend stream which she uses for her personal expenses. In addition she gets a fairly small pension which she spends. Recently she has been saving some of this income. Not sure what for? I pay all joint expenses.

This works very well as she doesn't need to get my acquiescence to buy whatever she wants, (often shoes and bags). I think it makes her feel a little independent as well. A good thing, I think.

 

[Live And Learn]

The DW and I get some "mad money" every month that neither of us are accountable to the other for. Other then that we work the budget.

This is exactly the way DH and I have done it from the day we were married (32 years ago). All income goes into the joint checking / savings / investment accounts. I manage how much goes (used to go) into retirement accounts. We each get "mad money" (which we actually do call our "allowance"). Over the years the amount of that allowance increased as our salaries increased. Each year on Jan 1 we determine if we need a raise (we haven't had a raise in our allowance for 5 years). All expenses come out of the joint account(s). All savings belong to both of us and we spend based upon budget, which we have both reviewed / agreed to.

Division of labor is another thing. He does yard work and laundry. I do cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and investment management. Occasionally we will do the other persons work as a gift to the other.

Its worked for us all this time. Not so sure it would work as easily if we had started this after several years of marriage.

 

[Hyperborea]

We did use an allowance system but it was for both of us and not just my wife. We pooled everything we earned and took out for all the budgeted living expenses - rent then later mortgage/taxes/insurance, grocery/household, car, vacations, etc. It was all done with a yearly budget in an envelope style system using Ing accounts to track it all with automatic withdrawals filling the accounts.

There were then three allowance accounts - mine, hers, and ours. The money in our allowance accounts could be spent on anything we wanted with no questions asked. The "ours" account was for us to spend on dinners out, concerts, etc.

Everything beyond that was saved though in the yearly budgeting process the max was always pre-allocated to the before tax accounts, ESPP if there was one, etc. Bonuses and stock grants weren't included in the planning and were always saved. Anything left over in the regular salary after the budgeted items was saved as well.

 

[Shanky]

When we married all my money and earnings became our money & earnings. We just made sure we communicated on any large purchases. An allowance would imply she was not equally entitled to our money which is not true.

 

[Sunset]

We have always kept our finances fairly separate. ..... As well when we were first together I was going through a messy divorce. This encouraged us to keep things .... separate........

We are still separate finances, and just have an informal "my turn" to pay system. It's close to equal, but nobody is really counting. We take turns on the estimated tax bill, and I do all the grocery shopping while she pays utilities, and I pay for 2x/wk lunch and trips so far.

In fact I have started tracking my spending to know how much do I really spend including Fed and State taxes, just so we can have better idea for SWR.

 

[Chuckanut]

When I was first married in my 20's, we were starting out to build a family and a future for ourselves. Everything was now 'ours' and I was happy to do that even though I had more financial assets than she did.

Today, if I ever have a new wife (Most 60+ women aren't interested in taking that final step to marriage anymore from my experience) we will probably keep most major assets split if for no other reason than fairness to our individual children. Some smaller assets would be joint because we are married and I would like to act like that. I still think marriage means something - old fashioned as that might sound to some.

 

[kcowan]

Not sure what for? I pay all joint expenses.

This works very well as she doesn't need to get my acquiescence to buy whatever she wants, (often shoes and bags). I think it makes her feel a little independent as well. A good thing, I think.

Ours are all separate except credit cards. She has her own with me as partner and I have mine with her as partner. I pay all the bills but alternate fairly between accounts. The only discussion about expenses is to validate charges but she is totally independent.

I have more equity because of my pension and higher earnings when working. But for SWR we just have one budget which is covered by 3 pensions and a low draw on the portfolios. All gifting to my kids comes from my own equity.

 

[Danmar]

Ours are all separate except credit cards. She has her own with me as partner and I have mine with her as partner. I pay all the bills but alternate fairly between accounts. The only discussion about expenses is to validate charges but she is totally independent.

I have more equity because of my pension and higher earnings when working. But for SWR we just have one budget which is covered by 3 pensions and a low draw on the portfolios. All gifting to my kids comes from my own equity.

I think it works best if you can find a way to keep things fairly separate. The more transfers of funds between parties there is, the more chance for conflict, I think.

 

[bingybear]

We got married when we had nothing.. (grad school). The only time we really had a budget was when we had effectively nothing. For many years we kept 2 joint accounts; one I used and one she used.
When we did trusts... everything was separated, but I seemed to pay for everything. She charges on cards that I'm primary on. Well are the cards we have I'm primary. I pay all the bills at the end of the month. I do the investing and will periodically shuffle $ so our individual net worth is approximately the same. Note, I can only add to her accounts. To shift $ out, she must be involved.
We have never discussed the idea of an allowance. It's always been our money. We don't really discuss much of what we are spending it own. She had my shopping gene removed and she never had one. We'll discuss a purchase like a new car... what do we want, what options, etc. We own them individually... but that doesn't determine who drives it most. We alternate who gets to drive the next new car. When my older son moved out and took a car with him, we got out of sync and we drive the car owned by the other.
I have some friends who set allowances and try to control what the other can spend. It seems to create some stress and tension in the relationship. I'm not sure we could work that way. We do just fine having many common goals and using a very loose adhoc arrangement. It seems to me that working as a team... or a couple ... is better for us. A formal process or constraints enforced (allowance) seem counter to our marriage.

 

[kcowan]

I think it works best if you can find a way to keep things fairly separate. The more transfers of funds between parties there is, the more chance for conflict, I think.

I agree. In fact our sharing is just paying credit card balances, taxes and transfers to her Mexican bank account (or mine) from her Cdn account. We use her Mexican account for cash and mine to pay utilities.

 

[Texan1636]

My wife lets me know what she spends, so that I can keep track of our spending. There is not a "limit" but she understands that if we really blow through our expected spending amounts, it will have to come out of our travel budget (but the travel budget is large - 25% of our planned spending, and we likely won't spend it all on travel in any event). Just finished first month of retirement, so we'll see how this goes in the first few years.