The big ticket wedding...

[FANOFJESUS]

The last two weddings I went to cost about 2k or less.

 

[Cobra9777]

Both our kids and their spouses wanted very small weddings. They didn't want the stress of planning a big wedding. But more importantly, they wanted it to be more intimate and personal, not about whether to invite crazy Uncle Jim or have a DJ. There was no pressure to do otherwise from family on either side. And it certainly had nothing to do with money. They knew we would pay for whatever kind of wedding they wanted (within reason).

One wedding was at a park in San Francisco, with just immediate family and the bride and groom's best friends. "Reception" was at a restaurant less than a block away. No dancing or speeches. I'm not even sure there was a cake. Other people at the restaurant kept sending bottles of champagne to our table. It was an amazing day.

The other wedding had about 30 people, with the ceremony and reception at our house. Same immediate family plus some grandparents. Still no crazy Uncle Jim, but a lot more of the bride and groom's close friends. Everyone brought side dishes and I grilled steaks and chicken. This one did have a few speeches, dancing, plus lots of flowers, decorations, and a cake. Total cost for us was right at $1K and most of that was for booze and steaks. I bought the chicken on sale at Kroger for $0.99/lb.

Both weddings were amazing. Exactly what the kids wanted. Great memories and everyone had a fantastic time.

 

[PatrickA5]

When my DD got married a couple of years ago, we offered $15K. She got to decide how she spent the money and how much to keep. The total wedding cost $8K which included venue, photographer, flowers, dresses, tuxes, catered dinner for about 50, beer, wine and a DJ. It was a great wedding! Reception was at the same place as the wedding.

Even though we could have easily afforded a $50K wedding, she seemed really happy with what she had - and even happier with what she got to keep. For us, things didn't get expensive until the grandson showed up

 

[wmc1000]

I have 3 daughters. We gave each of them $7.5K towards their wedding costs. 2 of them had approx. 100 guests. 1 stayed right on budget and 1 went over about $1500. The 3rd daughter is getting married next mo. and her future husband comes from a very large family so they will have about 200 guests. They are footing the difference and will have a total all-in cost under $15K. These costs include church, reception, DJ's, Photog, dress, reception meal, alcohol, etc.

 

[Danmar]

The last two weddings I went to cost about 2k or less.

Sounds extravagant compared to my second wedding. Only 4 of us. City hall plus nice dinner. Probably around $500. Of course that was in 1995 and my net worth was probably still negative. Even my first wedding at my parents house probably cost $500 or less.

So if you average the 3 weddings I have paid for, the result is more in line.

 

[youbet]

We have had 3 nieces getting married in the past 18 months, and my daughter wedding is coming up. The costs are from $20K to $25K as my best guess (for 75 to 100 guests), and they are all nice. Much of the wedding cost is recovered from relative guests who give cash gifts. Everybody has a good time, and in fact would feel insulted if not invited.

As always, YMMV.

That's pretty much the tradition with my extended family and many of our friends. Weddings and receptions are not "extravagant" but almost always include dinner, open bar, music and dancing, etc. Guests consider it a time for renewal of friendships and/or a chance to say hello to the out of town cousins you only see at weddings and funerals...... Most that accept invitations are generally generous gifters and understand what it's costing to have them there.

I can certainly understand where folks with smaller families or families that are less close would want to keep things smaller. If you're stretching to come up with a guest list without including folks that neither the bride, groom or their parents are really close to, why force the issue? Just keep the ceremony and celebration small, send out post-wedding announcements and insist on no gifts.

I don't think these kind of cultural decisions are a "one size fits all" thing and I'm a little surprised at some of the folks here who seem to feel everyone needs to think their way on this issue.

 

[RetireAge50]

I'm not really in to weddings that much so suggested Justice of the Peace for my daughter's upcoming wedding. Surprising to me that the cost for this is about $15,000 so far. Oh well I tried.

 

[hnzw_rui]

Lol, my friend's planning her wedding and wanted to keep the budget at less than $10K which is how much she and her fiance can afford on their own. Her mom's convincing her to have a bigger wedding (mom will pick up the tab for the remainder) because mom wants to invite all the relatives (they've got a *huge* family). So far, my friend's winning.

 

[youbet]

I'm not really in to weddings that much so suggested Justice of the Peace for my daughter's upcoming wedding. Surprising to me that the cost for this is about $15,000 so far. Oh well I tried. ��

'Splain that will ya? $15k for a JP to tie the knot? Somethings not passing the common sense test here. total cost should be less than $100 including marriage license and the American cheese on white sandwiches brought from home to munch on after the ceremony.

 

[RetireAge50]

Apparently these days the Justice of the Peace requires you to meet at a nice location, with food, and have about 100 witnesses.

 

[karen1972]

weddings vary so widely based on location. I can't even find a place in my local home town area that would cost more than $20/pp, but had a hard time finding a place in Chicago that was less than $35/pp... like real estate.. location location location.

ie my nieces wedding cost about $3500 and I paid for about 1/2 which covered the food. I had my first wedding in Chicago in 1995 and I know they paid $75/pp for the food alone.

As for wedding gifts, it really all depends on the family.. I had a friend shell out $50k for a wedding at Brookfield zoo and they hardly got a single gift because it was one of theirs second wedding.. they are currently not making ends meet, both own homes that are 50% under water, one of them lost their job and the wedding was only 3 years ago.. oh boy.. yeh lots of financial discussions going on NOW in that house.. too bad it wasn't earlier.

My niece freaked out when I offered to pay for the food.. she's like that's my parents responsibility.. but her parents are deadbeats and always have been so that wasn't an option. She deserved a nice wedding as she worked her butt off; however, I told her it was a gift, no strings attached. She could use it for food or whatever else she wanted. She didn't have to ask my permission or get any input from me... personally I think that's the best way for people to give a gift like that... no strings attached. As its no different than someone writing them a check and then them immediately blowing it on a ridiculous vacation or a car they total 3 days later... you have to trust they will make the best decision or not give the money in the first place.

 

[youbet]

Apparently these days the Justice of the Peace requires you to meet at a nice location, with food, and have about 100 witnesses.

Oh..... Must be a West Coast thing! Well, might as well enjoy the festivities!

 

[bclover]

Ok so I was married for almost 30 years and yep I had a big wedding. 300 people, most family. I paid for my dress, 3 grand. We had a DJ, live band, open bar, sit down dinner.
It was absolutely beautiful. I will not criticize some one for some thing I did myself.

Sent from my SPH-L710 using Early Retirement Forum mobile app

 

[youbet]

Ok so I was married for almost 30 years and yep I had a big wedding. 300 people, most family. I paid for my dress, 3 grand. We had a DJ, live band, open bar, sit down dinner.
It was absolutely beautiful. I will not criticize some one for some thing I did myself.

Sent from my SPH-L710 using Early Retirement Forum mobile app

I'd take that another step...... If a big wedding was what you wanted and you could afford it (you could make it fit with other life plans) and you didn't do it, I'd criticize you for that.

Given the ways and means, it's what YOU want to do that counts in the long run.

 

[tmm99]

I never understood and (I still don't understand) why people like to have weddings. I am a born introvert, I guess, and the thought of being on the spotlight, being watched by so many people, doesn't interest me (it sort of frightens me.) This is not to say anything is wrong with weddings. I had a friend whose answer to the question "What do you want to be when you grow up?" was a "bride"! (I know! It's not like it's a profession, but there was nothing more she wanted to be/do but to become a wife of some guy! This was in the 70's in Japan though...) Her wedding was absolutely beautiful. She looked stunning (Had her wedding ceremony at a Japanese shrine in a traditional Japanese wedding dress (her husband looked like a samurai!), and then she changed into a western wedding dress at a reception hall.

My wedding was small (I didn't want to have a wedding at all, but my mom insisted I should so that I would have something to tell/show to my future children, so she set up a small gathering with relatives and took a bunch of photos, and also set up a professional photo session at a wedding photo gallery of some sort (They put makeup on my face, dressed me up in a wedding dress and took photos with glossy finish). I still have the photos somewhere. We didn't have any children though, but if we did, I had some photos to share with them...

 

[haha]

The fact that folks in this thread are suggesting $20-40K weddings are acceptable shows just how skewed this issue has become.

Yep, this is the home of frugalistas, and yet they are underwriting incredible wedding expenses.

My dream, when I might still have referred to getting married as a dream, was to get a JP wedding at LA County Courthouse. Fiancee's family vetoed this, and I went along with it as long as they paid 100% of expenses. I bought the license.

Men are always nervous at weddings, especially their own weddings. Why not make things easier with low-stress events nearby, where you know all your favourite restaurants and bars and can return to your own bed?

Ha

 

[Amethyst]

I have been married twice. The first one, my parents paid for. I think there were 8 people present and it cost my parents about $100, plus they gave us a check for $250. My mother made my dress. His parents gave us a check for $1000, which had to be a real stretch for them. I don't think anybody else gave us much beyond a crock pot or set of coffee mugs, that sort of thing. My great regret is that I have no photos. I know my Dad took some, but he refused to give them to me after I got divorced. He said they would stir up bad memories.

The second one, Mr. A. and I paid for. We had the wedding and reception in our home. There were about 15 guests, and we spent about $2000 - including a photographer. The gifts probably amounted to $100 - assuming people actually bought them - Mr. A.'s "best friend" gave us an ugly vase that I knew at once had to be a regift! We just laughed privately about it, since we already had everything we needed.

That year, I attended several friends' much more lavish weddings. I am afraid I find weddings boring. It's basically the same old goings-on, just some are bigger than others. Only one of those couples is still married.

Amethyst

 

[jjquantz]

DD2 just got married. We told her that we would pay the first $10K and then we would cost share 50/50 after that.

She had a beautiful outdoor wedding/reception with about 130 guests. Lots of DIY (dad sewed 132 cloth napkins). Total cost was about $20K. It is amazing how much more some things cost when the word wedding is uttered in the same sentence.

She was very happy, even though she had been attending friends' weddings for the past several years that were often over $50K and at least one had to push $100K.

The cost sharing offer did not surprise her, the deal for college was that we would pay in-state tuition/room/books. If she wanted to go elsewhere, the extra was on her nickel.

As someone mentioned - communication and the expectations that were set growing up go a long way toward keeping everyone happy, even when there are limits on spending.

 

[Walt34]

The last two weddings I went to cost about 2k or less.

It can be done. A few years ago I shot the photos at a wedding for a guy at work. He knew photography was a hobby for me and he couldn't afford a pro photographer (he's a janitor in the building, makes ~$15/hour) and offered to pay me I think about $700 which for him is huge. I offered to do it for free, partly because it makes any liability issues go away if the camera dies (I only have the one DSLR) but also because I knew he didn't have much money, and I wanted to see if I could do a decent job of it. And he's a nice guy.

I learned that being a wedding photographer is a lot harder than it looks.

Anyway, bride and groom were absolutely thrilled with the photos and a CD with the .jpg's and a license from me for free noncommercial use was their wedding present from me.

Nice reception in a sheet metal building, DJ, and catered dinner, I think he spent maybe $2k if that.

 

[wanaberetiree]

The wife and I had maybe 50 people at our wedding, the reception was at a restaurant. Very modest.I was 36 she 33.
-Happily married 25 years this week. How many crazy over the top weddings did I go to? For many it as the start of a life of debt and over spending! My buddy paid for it then his daughter asked for help with the furniture...she was making more then her father.. 2 years later the son in law buys himself a brand new Harley! So wrong on so many levels...

Daughter is 20 - looking a couple years down the road (the Mrs. and I paid for college fully I consider that a big deal)

My thoughts: If you have a modest wedding that you fully fund (no debt) I'll give you $100k as a wedding gift. If you want me to pay our contribution is capped at $40k and that's all you get (son is 16 today...)

What it means ..
No coming out of the smoking floor
No 15 piece band
No $5000 dress
No other insanity...

Yes I know it is imposing my will... Am I crazy? Before you say anything harsh ...how long does it take to save $100k? How about $40k? Don't get hung up on the amounts. It is the concept I am talking about.
And yeah I saw father of the bride... Spenser Tracy wasn't it?

Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum.

I like Lou Holtz's story about this (read attached) and I followed his advice for my daughter wedding. Worked pretty good for me.

 

[FANOFJESUS]

At our church it is $50 or $100 for the priest. The church hall is $50. The rest is food and a dress.

 

[NW-Bound]

That's pretty much the tradition with my extended family and many of our friends. Weddings and receptions are not "extravagant" but almost always include dinner, open bar, music and dancing, etc. Guests consider it a time for renewal of friendships and/or a chance to say hello to the out of town cousins you only see at weddings and funerals...... Most that accept invitations are generally generous gifters and understand what it's costing to have them there.

I can certainly understand where folks with smaller families or families that are less close would want to keep things smaller. If you're stretching to come up with a guest list without including folks that neither the bride, groom or their parents are really close to, why force the issue? Just keep the ceremony and celebration small, send out post-wedding announcements and insist on no gifts.

Yes, a lot depends on the family dynamics. Are the guests family members or friends that the parents or the couple see often? We have been invited to weddings where we never saw the couple again.

We are close to our siblings, and my daughter to her cousins. The groom has been to many family functions, and has met most of the guests prior to the wedding. There are also friends of the family, and my children and their cousins also have common friends.

I don't think these kind of cultural decisions are a "one size fits all" thing and I'm a little surprised at some of the folks here who seem to feel everyone needs to think their way on this issue.

I think people often do not think of family situations that are different than their own.

About the money being "wasted", we often talk about spending money to buy experience, not things. A happy wedding is an experience in my book. I gladly help pay for my kids' wedding, and get more out of that than some things.

 

[NW-Bound]

Apparently these days the Justice of the Peace requires you to meet at a nice location, with food, and have about 100 witnesses.

You left out the booze.

 

[ElizabethT]

Yes I know it is imposing my will... Am I crazy? Before you say anything harsh ...how long does it take to save $100k? How about $40k? Don't get hung up on the amounts. It is the concept I am talking about.
And yeah I saw father of the bride... Spenser Tracy wasn't it?

Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum.

You are correct that it is an attempt to be controlling, and it's potentially laying the groundwork for resentment in the years ahead, no matter which option she/they choose. Because, controlling.

Offer $40,000 for either a wedding, or a home, or whatever they wish to do with it, and call it a day. Or, should you wish, gift then an additional $60,000 at a later time should they choose the option you 'approve.' Same end result, different, less controlling pathway.

 

[stephenson]

Interesting comments with different perspectives ...would be interesting to see the breakout of male vs female posters, male vs female children, various religious affiliations, cultural, etc.

I'm a guy with two sons (and I'm waaay happily married to their mother) ...none of three of us "guys" would want anything other than seeing a FEW of our close friends in a place that is easy and low stress to get to, that is really fun, that doesn't force our friends to wear ugly outfits -) I always wonder why guys wear anything other than basic black tux ... knowing that at some point they will look silly to people casually looking at their photos) ... but then again, I would say the same thing about guys with fashionable beards, fashionable hair, etc ...

Trying to make this fun discussion .. not trying to jam anyone ...