Tacky new wedding trend: Why newlyweds aren’t sending thank yous

[athena53]

I read recently of a wedding saying 'bring no gifts'. Then when people arrived, there was a table with all kinds of expensive items and their price tags.

You were supposed to sign up for a particular gift. One 'gift' was about $4500 and the sign said that 'two guests can get together for this gift'.

Kids today!

Yes, that's definitely tacky. Not sure if I'd sign up. I'm fine with registries if they have any.

Some people just aren't good at thank-yous. It was over 40 years ago but I remember the wedding of the son of a guy I was dating. He hosted a nice rehearsal dinner and may also have given them a gift. Their thank-you was a card with a pic from the wedding and a generic pre-printed "Thank you so much" message. I don't even think they signed it. He was hurt.

I don't think a gracious thanks in some form (note, e-mail, text, phone call) is ever out of style. It may be even more valued because it's less common. My grandchildren thank me for things verbally all the time and it warms my heart. And, as others have pointed out, the practical value is that you know your gift didn't go astray.

 

[iloveyoga]

If I don't hear from my relatives something about the gift, or receive a thank you, I do ask. Like you said, I want to be sure the gift was received. More often than not these days, no thank you note is received.

 

[jollystomper]

...I'd never leave an envelope with cash; I would do a check in a card in an envelope.

When I was a kid my understanding from my parents was that not writing a thank you note was a way of letting the person know they never needed to gift anything to you ever again.
...

I agree with both of these points.

Writing a check, even though old-fashioned in these days of cash transfers, allows one to better tell if the couple actually received the gift. Folks who try to steal envelopes at weddings tend to go for the "thick" ones, as they likely have cash. Cards with checks, they cannot be sure if anything other than the card is in it.

We were also raised with the "no thank you note, do not ever expect a gift from that person again", and conveyed that to our children. We are glad when our children contact us with a request for a phone number for someone who sent them a gift, they all nicely prefer to thank the person directly if possible.

Fortunately we have had the lack of response only once that I can recall. We just attended a wedding a couple of weeks ago, but the couple has not yet cashed the check, so we do not expect them to respond yet. They may still be on their honeymoon .

 

[folivier]

Wait, so newlyweds don't want a piece of their china? Or silverware?
What about a toaster?

 

[JoeWras]

What about a toaster?

They may not want it if it isn't approved by their favorite influencer.

 

[COcheesehead]

Birthday gifts, newborn gifts, fundraisers for nieces and nephews, you name it. Rarely a thank you.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s expected because we’re “rich”.

 

[Sue J]

Wait, so newlyweds don't want a piece of their china? Or silverware?
What about a toaster?

The family wedding that we went to was in an upscale part of NJ. DH’s sister (bride’s aunt who also lives in that area) felt she had to tell us that all gifts in their area are EXPECTED to be cash/checks. Like we are hillbillies who might gift a toaster!

I’ve been giving cash/checks for a very long time.

A nephew and his wife in Germany just had their second son. We sent 100 Euros with PayPal. Quick, easy and direct. He responded right away with a thank you message. PayPal does the currency conversion and there is a small fee, but it’s a great way to send gift money to another country.

 

[Telly]

I received a wedding invitation from a Great-Nephew. Never seen him or had any communication with him. Lives over a 1,000 miles away. Okay, sent back the RSVP sorry we can't make it. Sent later a card with a check for a couple hundred. Wedding date came and went. Well over 6 months later, nothing. Check never cashed. Checked with a brother, same thing with him, he mailed a check, no response.
So there are check(s) hanging out there, that may or may not be ever cashed. Or, maybe cashed by someone who intercepted them. Not acceptable.
I contacted our sibling who is the grandparent to the guy. Lives in the same general area as him, far away from me. Asked sibling to please play grandparent and inquire if they ever received our check. Amazing, two days later the check was cashed! Never received a thank-you even belatedly.

Time goes by. One day, received in mail a pending birth announcement from same. Just as I finished reading the announcement, the shredder grabbed it to read. Das ist aber schade!

 

[Midpack]

You can ask the parents casually to want to make sure that they did receive your envelope.

Thought of that and we’re close to them, but the kids are adults and we don’t want to put the parents in the middle. We’ll be patient for now…

 

[Midpack]

I read recently of a wedding saying 'bring no gifts'. Then when people arrived, there was a table with all kinds of expensive items and their price tags.

You were supposed to sign up for a particular gift. One 'gift' was about $4500 and the sign said that 'two guests can get together for this gift'.

Kids today!

Yeah, that’s pretty tacky IMO.

 

[donheff]

We beat on our daughter to send thank you notes, which she did. It probably worked for the wedding because she/we had laboriously developed a mailing list for invitations. For other thanks you notes, I suspect the best you can hope for is an email or text since many people don't even keep snail mail addresses.

 

[Midpack]

For other thanks you notes, I suspect the best you can hope for is an email or text since many people don't even keep snail mail addresses.

That’s a good point I hadn’t thought of. All the more reason we’d be more than happy with just a text saying they got it - no TY needed.

 

[Gumby]

Last month, the young wife went to a baby shower in Pennsylvania for our niece-in-law. Her sisters, who arranged the shower, wisely put envelopes at each place setting and asked the guests to write their addresses on them. Within two weeks, we received a lovely handwritten note from the expectant mother.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I always write a check for weddings. The few that I have been to in the past 10 years always write a thank you note. My stepson’s wife used the same method as Gumby described at her baby shower which I thought was good.

 

[Aerides]

We are going to a wedding next weekend. They provided their email for a Venmo so that makes things super easy.

I plan to submit and put a print out of the email confirmation inside the card just so they know which is ours.

Pro tip for those still doing checks: Most couples aren't going to have a joint checking account, nor is the woman going to change her name quickly (or at all), so if writing checks do ask in advance how they should be addressed.

 

[Gumby]

I have always written the check to the spouse to whom I am related or who I know. If they have a joint account, they can just deposit it. If they have separate accounts, they can settle up between themselves.

 

[MarieIG]

If I am attending a wedding I make out the check to Mr. & Mrs. The checks have always been cashed.

 

[Koolau]

I can't recall NOT receiving a thank-you note for a wedding gift, no matter the value. It's just good manners to do so. YMMV

 

[pjigar]

FWIW: In our culture, it is customary to NOT send out thank you note/card after a wedding gift. And yes, most wedding gifts are cash stuffed envelope dropped in a box (akin to a slotted mail box) at the wedding venue. I never actually thought about this "tradition" until I saw this post!

My theory about this tradition: Our weddings have a very large attendance (in hundreds if not thousands in some cases) so it would not be practical to send out so many thank you letters.

Now that I think about it, I did get at least one thank you card for attendance at one of the recent weddings. I guess the new generation wants to change the old ways. We are indifferent either way. To each of their own. We were taught to do our karma without expecting any results.

 

[dknighd]

FWIW: In our culture, it is customary to NOT send out thank you note/card after a wedding gift. And yes, most wedding gifts are cash stuffed envelope dropped in a box (akin to a slotted mail box) at the wedding venue. I never actually thought about this "tradition" until I saw this post!

My theory about this tradition: Our weddings have a very large attendance (in hundreds if not thousands in some cases) so it would not be practical to send out so many thank you letters.

Now that I think about it, I did get at least one thank you card for attendance at one of the recent weddings. I guess the new generation wants to change the old ways. We are indifferent either way. To each of their own. We were taught to do our karma without expecting any results.

Interesting. All cultures are different. I agree with the concept of increasing karma without expecting any direct results from an individual action. Sort of like living by the Golden Rule - do unto others, expect nothing in return.


But it puzzles me, and I admit I know nothing about it. If giving a gift to newlyweds increases your karma, wouldn't them sending you a simple thank you also increase their karma?

 

[dknighd]

I can't recall NOT receiving a thank-you note for a wedding gift, no matter the value. It's just good manners to do so. YMMV

I agree.
I do have a new rule - gift for the first marriage, but no gift for a second or third.

 

[pjigar]

But it puzzles me, and I admit I know nothing about it. If giving a gift to newlyweds increases your karma, wouldn't them sending you a simple thank you also increase their karma?

Yes it would. But I think this custom might have born due to historical impracticality of returning thank you to a large group. In a small town of 10,000 people where I grew up, wedding "invitations" we given out in "bulk". It is kind of hard to explain but I would try. A special "agent" of host will literally go street to street and shout "Mr. X is son/daughter Y is getting married on ABC date. If you are related to host then please attend the wedding". Most people knew each other by name so if you are invited then you would know from the announcement. The close family and friends were invited directly by host visiting them personally or writing a letter/card. So with that system, a typical wedding in my town would have been around 1000-2000 guests.
a. Its a lot of people
b. You don't even know addresses for a lot of them!

I know this sounds weird but that is how weddings worked where I grew up. Now things are much more formal. A proper invitation card is sent out to almost every invitee but still a large attendance.

 

[jollystomper]

Wait, so newlyweds don't want a piece of their china? Or silverware?
What about a toaster?

How about wine glasses? We received about a dozen sets when we married 40 years ago. 6 sets still survive .

I have always written the check to the spouse to whom I am related or who I know. If they have a joint account, they can just deposit it. If they have separate accounts, they can settle up between themselves.

I do the same. I will also write something "humorous" in the memo field, like "Remember to SHARE" or "for BOTH of you". There has usually been something said about the comment in the thank-you note .

 

[marko]

FWIW: In our culture, it is customary to NOT send out thank you note/card after a wedding gift.

Interesting. But when in Rome..........

 

[dknighd]

Yes it would. But I think this custom might have born due to historical impracticality of returning thank you to a large group. In a small town of 10,000 people where I grew up, wedding "invitations" we given out in "bulk". It is kind of hard to explain but I would try. A special "agent" of host will literally go street to street and shout "Mr. X is son/daughter Y is getting married on ABC date. If you are related to host then please attend the wedding". Most people knew each other by name so if you are invited then you would know from the announcement. The close family and friends were invited directly by host visiting them personally or writing a letter/card. So with that system, a typical wedding in my town would have around 1000-2000 guests.
a. Its a lot of people
b. You don't even know addresses for a lot of them!

I know this sounds weird but that is how weddings worked where I grew up. Now things are much more formal. A proper invitation card is sent out to almost every invitee but still a large attendance.

It does not sound weird at all. Essentially weddings were a big party. The guests could give what they wanted, or could afford, or nothing at all. But somebody had to bankroll that wedding - I assume they got thanked.


Did you get married that way? It must have been a huge event. The newlyweds likely went to the next couples marriage ceremony and gave what they could, expecting nothing in return. In a town of 10,000 that works, and is a wonderful thing.