Tacky new wedding trend: Why newlyweds aren’t sending thank yous

[ivinsfan]

CaptTom I found your post interesting..as far as weddings and stuff it's the picking and choosing I find confusing. You can go to the expense and effort of planning an actual wedding with all it's "hidebound" traditions and then say ,oh the idea I should write a Thank you note is so old school...I mean you sent invitations didn't you, what's the difference.

 

[freedomatlast]

I'd never leave an envelope with cash; I would do a check in a card in an envelope.

That's what we did when we attended a beautiful wedding a few weeks ago. $500.00 check made out to both bride and groom in a card in an envelope.

 

[SecondCor521]

That is considered small?

I guess not. Really I should have said "cheap" or "simple". We had maybe 200 guests, but we got married at a church that also doubled as a private Christian school so our ceremony was in the gym. Guests sat in folding chairs. Reception included cake, mints, and homemade punch. No dance floor, no DJ, no dinner, no bar, no wedding tent, no destination wedding, no party.

 

[JoeWras]

But to get an actual, paper card or letter in the mail these days seems like an anachronism. Who actually writes any more? On paper? A text, e-mail or social media post would do the same thing. I'd be OK with that.

Part of me worries that young kids whose parents insist on hand-written thank-you notes for everything are being set up to be out of touch with their peers.

O Captain, my captain!

I don't worry at all about my 14 year old and 12 year old great nephew and niece being out of touch. They are fine. They do the phone thing like nobody's business. They are smart asses with mom and even us. They know how to be a modern child of today. Heck, the 12 year old, when she was 10!, made us watch the movie "A Quiet Place" with her. It was a re-run for her. Scary as heck. She's fine. She even knows how to swear. She probably won't get a tattoo since her mom is covered in them. Gotta be contrary, you know.

Their mom just had them do one extra thing as a gift to their greats. Seeing my great niece's incredibly beautiful hand writing brought me tears of joy. No text emoji could ever compare. And the 6 year old's art and backward "K" for his name was so precious. To me, it was a "John Hancock" moment.

As for wedding thanks, I really don't mind a text message. That's fine. Just let me know you got the gift.

 

[SecondCor521]

On the RSVP in little tiny letters it says we don't want gifts but if you must we are registered here and also here. What on earth does this actually mean? If you want gifts don't put no gifts please twice and then say oh well if you have to here's what we want. It's confusing.

Sounds like they're probably old enough and established to where they don't need the typical housewarming type gifts that 20-somethings can use like crockpots and dinner plates and such. They might already have two households worth of stuff and are choosing the nicer of the two crockpots they already own and donating or yard/garage selling the other one as they combine their households.

But some people are militantly adamant about gift giving. These type folks would call and harass the parents of the bride and groom or other family members and/or give a gift that is totally useless (a third crockpot?) to the couple.

I'd translate it as "we *really* don't need anything, but if you're going to insist on a gift, it might as well be something useful so here's where you can go to pick something we'd actually use or appreciate".

 

[wallygator69]

My 2 cents



Send a check, if it clears they got it.


No thank you means no gift ever again. Baby showers, registries, graduations, go fund me's etc. NADA


Wally

 

[easysurfer]

Was the cash sent like in $100 bills?

I used to send check but have read cautions about if the check ends up in wrong hands and the routing and acct numbers get compromised.

My favorite is if there is a gift registry. Otherwise, it's an Amazon Gift card (Amazon credit is king these days, so it seems).

About the No Thank You. I've heard about the 1 year timeframe too. Maybe the newlyweds just haven't got round to all the thank you. Since they got cash, maybe they haven't had a chance to spend the money yet and am waiting so they can reply on a thank you card what they spent the money on as that's also a common replay "Thank your for the gift, we spent that on candles, etc.".

But yes, these days, old courtesy seems out of the way for the self (as in selfie) type of thinking.

 

[ksr]

But to get an actual, paper card or letter in the mail these days seems like an anachronism. Who actually writes any more? On paper? A text, e-mail or social media post would do the same thing. I'd be OK with that.

I agree, I'd be happy with a note, a text, or an email. More than anything I want to know that the gift was received. Especially in this era of mail theft, porch pirates, etc., it really is good to hear that the gift made it to the recipient!

 

[pacergal]

Not sure why formal Thank yous seem to be a thing of the past. I have received a standard preprinted card once after the wedding "thank you for your gift", no signature, nothing.

I wil get a rare text thank you from younger ones, guess that is their way now, if they respond at all.

Where is Emily Post or Miss Manners when you need them?
Probably severely dating myself, but part of penmanship in grade school was learning how to properly write Thank you letters, business letters, etc. And in cursive!

 

[badatmath]

We just want to know they got it, no “thank you” needed. A text would be good enough…

But if they didn't are you going to give them one again? You won't know who took it.

 

[GenXguy]

A text? No way do I consider that acceptable. And a hand-delivered thank you doesn't cut it. A formal thank you should be mailed.

$500 cash, such as large gift when they requested no gifts? Strange. If someone says no gifts, it means no gifts. Just give them a card.

 

[Gumby]

If a couple has a registry, which these days usually seems to be on Amazon, we choose something and order it for them. Then we know they'll get it. And I believe they are able to find out who gave what to them through Amazon, so if it's lost to porch pirates, they can find out. If we want to give cash, we write a check. If it's cashed, then we know they got it. That's enough for me. It is of course nice to receive a thank you note, and we usually do.

 

[Midpack]

$500 cash, such as large gift when they requested no gifts? Strange. If someone says no gifts, it means no gifts. Just give them a card.

All 60+ guests understood they meant no physical gifts, the bride & groom are both about 30 and have all the basic household stuff already - more common these days. And there was a box to drop off cards, with or without money, at the wedding/reception - so I’m sure we did the right thing with our $ gift. Card drop boxes have been standard at weddings for decades.

We ALL got it, but you’re welcome to spite your favorite nephew…

 

[easysurfer]

I do understand the feeling of a "What? No Thank you?"

Happened to me after attending a SIL's daughter's graduation. I got the formal invite but the graduate and a FB message from her mom saying it would be nice if I can attend. Was a pretty far trip but I went as she is a nice kid. Yet, there was no mention by them of a livestream for out of towners like me. Though afterwards, found out there was a livestream.

After graduation, I give my gift card to the graduate. Hardly had chance to say anything. Then never got a thank you of any sort. As, I said, the graduate is a nice kid, but I guess too busy to take the time and courtesy to say thank you of some sort. Oh well ...

 

[marko]

I have mixed feelings about thank-you notes. It's a nice tradition. And of course knowing the gift was received is as important as the appreciation.

But to get an actual, paper card or letter in the mail these days seems like an anachronism. Who actually writes any more? On paper? A text, e-mail or social media post would do the same thing. I'd be OK with that.

Part of me worries that young kids whose parents insist on hand-written thank-you notes for everything are being set up to be out of touch with their peers.

I'm not saying I'm opposed to the practice of written thank-you's. Just trying to be tolerant of changing social norms and not judgmental.

Wow. Really? Really?

What's next? Fist bumps instead of shaking hands? Wearing PJs out to dinner because one's peers do?

Jon Edwards was right: There are two Americas. I want to live in the one where people know how to behave, have a certain level of social know-how, know what's expected of them and know how to treat others. The fundamentals of a civilized society.

I'm fine with a texted Thank You, but I just can't wrap my head around how writing hand written cards somehow will socially cripple a child.

 

[ivinsfan]

Wait no gifts... means no physical gifts? Is this another layer we are supposed to wade through? How is it spite if you write them a card saying how much they mean to you and wishing them every happiness?


How about your presence is our gift...no gifts please...is there a hidden message in there somewhere. Is money not a gift?

 

[Sunset]

We went to a wedding in the Summer, and gave a check because cash has a habit of walking off.

Nice thing about a check is:

• You know somebody cashed it, and don't wonder if they ever got it.
• These days with cellphone banking, it's more convienent than cash as the recipent can deposit it with a photo. With a few thousand dollars, they have to go to the bank or carry around $$$ that doesn't work as easy as the credit card or apple pay watch, etc.

 

[RetiredHappy]

You can ask the parents casually to want to make sure that they did receive your envelope.

 

[marko]

Wait no gifts... means no physical gifts? Is this another layer we are supposed to wade through? How is it spite if you write them a card saying how much they mean to you and wishing them every happiness?


How about your presence is our gift...no gifts please...is there a hidden message in there somewhere. Is money not a gift?

I read recently of a wedding saying 'bring no gifts'. Then when people arrived, there was a table with all kinds of expensive items and their price tags.

You were supposed to sign up for a particular gift. One 'gift' was about $4500 and the sign said that 'two guests can get together for this gift'.

Kids today!

 

[sparky08]

On the RSVP in little tiny letters it says we don't want gifts but if you must we are registered here and also here. What on earth does this actually mean? If you want gifts don't put no gifts please twice and then say oh well if you have to here's what we want. It's confusing.

We recieved a similar invite. 2nd marriages for two financially successful people so we didn't think twice about not giving a gift.

 

[MichaelB]

We’ve been to a number of weddings - 2 of our children, 7 or 8 nieces / nephews / close friends. Travel was always involved. Most had low cost wedding registries at BBB, all but 1 acknowledged our travel to attend and thanked by card us for our gift, which always has been a check.

Is there a trend to not thank people for gifts? I think younger people today aren’t so different.

 

[GenXguy]

Wait no gifts... means no physical gifts? Is this another layer we are supposed to wade through? How is it spite if you write them a card saying how much they mean to you and wishing them every happiness?

How about your presence is our gift...no gifts please...is there a hidden message in there somewhere. Is money not a gift?

Yeah, I've always considered cash a gift.

We had a big celebration for someone in our family and had included a line in the invitations something like "no gifts please, but cards are welcome." As far as I understood, no gift/cash was received with any cards.

 

[GenXguy]

I read recently of a wedding saying 'bring no gifts'. Then when people arrived, there was a table with all kinds of expensive items and their price tags.

You were supposed to sign up for a particular gift. One 'gift' was about $4500 and the sign said that 'two guests can get together for this gift'.

Kids today!

Wow, right when you think it can't get any worse. I never heard of such as thing. What's next? Sending people a bill for the gift you purchased yourself?

 

[Sue J]

Similar thing happened to us last summer. We (DH and I, son #1, Son #2 with wife and 2 kids) all traveled to an out of town family wedding. Lovely affair, had a great time. There was a box for envelopes at the reception. Son #1 gave cash (in actual currency in a card), son #2 and family gave a gift card, DH and I gave a check for $1,000 in a card.

Our check was cashed right after their honeymoon. Our sons both got thank you notes a few months later. We didn't get one! So we waited a while longer. I could see the cashed check online and checked the endorsement, but I don't know what their actual signatures look like. Could this have gotten into someone else's hands? Not likely, but I guess it's possible.

We waited a couple more months and then messaged the bride. I didn't feel it was appropriate to ask her father, she's 30 years old! Just said we didn't get an acknowledgement and we wanted to make sure that it was them who got the money. She was shocked, she knew she wrote one to us and was very sorry we didn't get it. Within a few days we got a very apologetic note and pictures in the mail.

My guess is that it was lost in the mail. Maybe the original will show up one day tattered and dirty from being caught in USPS machinery. Or when the couple moves someday they will find it behind a desk or under a couch cushion. Whatever. We needed to know that they got the gift and we got our answer and the thank you note.

 

[JoeWras]

My guess is that it was lost in the mail. Maybe the original will show up one day tattered and dirty from being caught in USPS machinery. Or when the couple moves someday they will find it behind a desk or under a couch cushion. Whatever. We needed to know that they got the gift and we got our answer and the thank you note.

Way back, a few years out of college, I sent a friend a check for his wedding. Never got a thank you, check wasn't cashed. About 6 months later, I saw him at another wedding. He gave me the check back. Marriage lasted only 1 month. He said the check fell between the seat and console in his car and he recently found it. We both had a nervous laugh over the whole thing and he patted me on the back and said luck must be on my side since I saved some money on his little disaster.