Alienated Grandparents

[NW-Bound]

There's a good French movie called Le Papillon (The Butterfly) (2002) about a lonely eight-year-old girl who befriends an initially reluctant old widower who lives next door.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Truth is, there isn't much you can do as a grandparent except maybe write them out of your will. They hold the cards and you pretty much need to suck it up or be denied your grandkid.

No grandkids for us so far, but we try treat our adults kids (and their current partners, who may be their spouses eventually) as the people who may be picking out our nursing home.

 

[Buckeye]

Your son asked you to move close. Is he quietly crying out for help in a potentially abusive situation? I guess you'll find out in the counseling sessions. Definitely keep the lines of communication to him open. Abusers work to isolate their victims.

 

[Friendish Friends]

OP- I am glad your DS and DIL are seeking therapy. I suggest you do the same.

Speaking with a therapist will help because:

Either you have a family member who is struggling with a mental illness that will impact your relationship with your son and grandchildren for the rest of your life.

Or, you have completely mis-read your interactions with DIL and will benefit from some introspection about how you treat family.

No matter what the truth of the situation is, you are going through significant family upheaval and a professional will be able to help you identify the issues and navigate them. Reaching out for help on a forum is an excellent first step, but this is beyond the expertise of a bunch of internet strangers!

 

[ivinsfan]

OP- I am glad your DS and DIL are seeking therapy. I suggest you do the same.

Speaking with a therapist will help because:

Either you have a family member who is struggling with a mental illness that will impact your relationship with your son and grandchildren for the rest of your life.

Or, you have completely mis-read your interactions with DIL and will benefit from some introspection about how you treat family.

No matter what the truth of the situation is, you are going through significant family upheaval and a professional will be able to help you identify the issues and navigate them. Reaching out for help on a forum is an excellent first step, but this is beyond the expertise of a bunch of internet strangers!

Great comment FF and in your first example not only with it impact that relationship it will be a difficult life for the OP's son and grandchildren.

 

[MRG]

I have been estranged from members of my family for 15+ years. I can assure you it wasn't over them buying a bike for the grand kid.

There often are deep routed issues when a child cuts off the parents. Personally in my situation is was to protect my kids from toxic behavior. In your case it might just be that your DIL is a crazy vindictive Bch. Either way it certainly isn't the bike purchase.

+1000

My empathy, sadly I can understand. I'm not sure my DF realized that all his children ran as far and as fast as they could to leave his house. One sibling I haven't heard from in 40 years, RIP.

 

[big-papa]

Sadly, I've seen this as well. My DW was estranged from her Dad for well over a decade while her Mom had alzheimers. They lived 2 states away. Unfortunately, this meant that they missed a large part of seeing their only grandkid (our daughter) grow up. Our daughter did get to see her grandfather once when he happened to pass through our city and we did visit the nursing home once to visit her grandmother. But most of our daughter's memories of them are from when she was very young. They've both passed away, but our daughter did have a great relationship with my parents before they both passed away.

 

[ukwildcat]

In my humble opinion, I think there is a lot more to daughter in law and son problem than giving granddaughter a bicycle for Christmas. Daughter in law grew up with abusive mother who had bipolar disorder. IMHO, she has childhood issues that have showed up with hate toward us, her in-laws. DIL is seeing counselor with her issues. According to son, she wants no one to know about her seeing a counselor.


Wife and I are enjoying retirement. We don't need this pain and misery.

 

[Buckeye]

In my humble opinion, I think there is a lot more to daughter in law and son problem than giving granddaughter a bicycle for Christmas. Daughter in law grew up with abusive mother who had bipolar disorder. IMHO, she has childhood issues that have showed up with hate toward us, her in-laws. DIL is seeing counselor with her issues. According to son, she wants no one to know about her seeing a counselor.


Wife and I are enjoying retirement. We don't need this pain and misery.

Your son and grand kids could be taking the brunt of her issues at home behind closed doors. Secrets. He may need someone to talk to. Keep the lines of communication open.

 

[ukwildcat]

This entire grandparent alientation problem is beyond the scope of a nightmare. Daughter in law is trying to alienate son from us, his parents. IMHO, DIL is playing the control and manipulation game with us, her in-laws. Will gladly pursue the counseling route. However, I want a professional counselor to be the mediator in any future meeting between my wife and I (the grandparents) and son and DIL.

 

[Brat]

The use of a professional counselor is wise.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

This entire grandparent alientation problem is beyond the scope of a nightmare. Daughter in law is trying to alienate son from us, his parents. IMHO, DIL is playing the control and manipulation game with us, her in-laws. Will gladly pursue the counseling route. However, I want a professional counselor to be the mediator in any future meeting between my wife and I (the grandparents) and son and DIL.

I wish you the best. The counselor seems like a good idea.

 

[ivinsfan]

This entire grandparent alientation problem is beyond the scope of a nightmare. Daughter in law is trying to alienate son from us, his parents. IMHO, DIL is playing the control and manipulation game with us, her in-laws. Will gladly pursue the counseling route. However, I want a professional counselor to be the mediator in any future meeting between my wife and I (the grandparents) and son and DIL.

It's a tough situation for everyone...having said that it's called mental illness for a reason. She's not "trying" to do anything, she's ill and needs help..Keep up the family counseling,it's essential. Your son is in tough spot as well. I really feel for you..

 

[Teacher Terry]

I am glad a professional counselor is mediating. From what my parents went through they twisted themselves inside and out trying to get along with her to no avail. After watching that I decided I will never fall for that kind of drama. However, your situation is very different because they are willing to have professional help so I hope that things can be worked out.

 

[Badger]

OK. Someone is going to tell me I shouldn't be judgemental but the OP asked for a strangers opinion and I don't make excuses for someones bad behavior. If the whole story from the OP is accurate and nothing omitted from the story then something just ain't right with that DIL. It was a bike for crying out loud that was giving out of love to make the GD happy. Not only that but the son should have never let this get out of hand unless there is a marriage problem. So shame on him. Based on the DIL behavior I have reservations that the marriage is long term.

That being said I hope no one gifts the child a car on the 16th birthday. If so Watch out!



Cheers!

 

[ivinsfan]

It's a tough situation for everyone...having said that it's called mental illness for a reason. She's not "trying" to do anything, she's ill and needs help..Keep up the family counseling,it's essential. Your son is in tough spot as well. I really feel for you..

I've edited three times for my post to say "she's not trying to do anything" it previews correctly and then keeps dropping the word not, on my computer anyway.

What could be causing this? I've used my phone and my desktop to edit. It changes the meaning of what I want to say. When I requote it, the word not shows up in the original post...

 

[jIMOh]

Agree with Jerry1. DIL response tells me that your son may have problems in his marriage so try to maintain your relationship with him without complicating his life. In the meantime build your own social circle and know that you are not the only folks with problematic relatives.

Do you have other grandchildren? If so focus on them but be mindful that the estrangement is not this child's fault.

I would second this- make sure your son knows you are there for him, and love him and the grand kids from a distance.

 

[Jerry1]

I've edited three times for my post to say "she's not trying to do anything" it previews correctly and then keeps dropping the word not, on my computer anyway.

What could be causing this? I've used my phone and my desktop to edit. It changes the meaning of what I want to say. When I requote it, the word not shows up in the original post...

Not sure what's going on, but I fixed it for you. If it's not how you want it, let me know. Note, I'm not sure why, but when I edited the post, the other "not" showed up. On preview. Strange.

 

[ivinsfan]

Not sure what's going on, but I fixed it for you. If it's not how you want it, let me know. Note, I'm not sure why, but when I edited the post, the other "not" showed up. On preview. Strange.

Thank you, I tried 3 times and the preview was fine but the post wasn't corrected... I just looked at my original post and the not is still missing..Thanks for trying not a big deal...

 

[Bestwifeever]

Thank you, I tried 3 times and the preview was fine but the post wasn't corrected... I just looked at my original post and the not is still missing..Thanks for trying not a big deal...

Sometimes I forget to click the “save” or “save changes” button after editing—probably not the problem here for your edit, I know.

 

[Elbata]

"For those here that have decided that the OP is an innocent victim here and their DIL is a horrible selfish shrew that has "turned their son against them" or their marriage is doomed... you don't know the whole story. We never will."

Wife and I lost a child during birth. Wife in labor 6 days. We knew child would die (anencephalic) when born, but I was concerned for my wife. Wife made it and I was glad she made it. Sure we mourned the death of our child. MIL went around telling people I was happy that the baby died. I'm sure if you heard her side of the story, I'm the ass.

 

[ivinsfan]

Sometimes I forget to click the “save” or “save changes” button after editing—probably not the problem here for your edit, I know.

If you don't save changes the screen won't change, so I hope it wasn't me...

 

[statsman]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Given how the DIL appears to be, regardless of whether her and your son stay married, your interaction with your grandchildren may be strained until they become adults. Even if the DIL "comes around" and allows you to recommence visits, you will always be walking on eggshells. Heaven help you if you would appear to be better adults to your grandchildren than their own mother.

The fact that your DIL can push your son into removing you from your grandchildren's and pretty much your son's lives does not give me a warm fuzzy going forward. I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

[justexperienced]

Hi. This is something I'm always scared. Thanks for sharing your story. I think this is really common to us. What hurts the most is our intention is a good one but they only notice bad things we do. What I recommend you to do is have a group, not online, but in your area, so you can spend some time with them so at least you can relate with them.

 

[splitwdw]

In my humble opinion, I think there is a lot more to daughter in law and son problem than giving granddaughter a bicycle for Christmas. Daughter in law grew up with abusive mother who had bipolar disorder. IMHO, she has childhood issues that have showed up with hate toward us, her in-laws. DIL is seeing counselor with her issues. According to son, she wants no one to know about her seeing a counselor.


Wife and I are enjoying retirement. We don't need this pain and misery.

Then he shouldn't have told you and your wife out of respect for his wife.