Gifts to Relatives

[Rianne]

We do not have children. Over the years, 20+ years, I've given pretty generous B-day gifts and X-mas gifts to 5 nieces and nephews. They are also in my will. DH does not oppose this practice.

They do not acknowledge my B-day, I don't get a phone call or a card. One niece who is 21 has acknowledged a couple of times, but I think when it was to her advantage. I'm struggling to stop this practice. On the other hand, does one give gifts for something in return? I think I should donate these gifts to charitable organizations in their name. I could give them a card that states that donation. All nieces/nephews parents are doing ok financially.

 

[ivinsfan]

Do they acknowledge the gifts?

Do you have day to day relationships with any of them? It's hard to provide any comment without more details.

 

[Aerides]

Do they thank you properly and acknowledge the gifts themselves?

My niece and nephew are a bit younger, (teens) but I don't expect them to even know my birthdate. And they are great, polite, loving kids and we're all very close, and see each other frequently. But my bday? Unless a family gathering I don't think it's on their radar. And for xmas, beyond something they helped their mom pick out? Nah. Not from nieces and nephews.

If they are otherwise appreciative and thank you for gifts they receive, I'd keep giving, but maybe dial back how generous to something more reasonable.

 

[audreyh1]

I gift money to siblings but unrelated to any calendar date. They always thank us for the gifts by email. We see them in person at least annually, and communicate more often.

 

[Dash man]

Think about why you are giving the gifts. Does it make you feel good and happy? Or are you seeking gratitude from them?
I rarely get a thank you from younger family members. They just don’t seem to do that anymore. But I still help out when I can without expectations of anything in return.

 

[brett]

We stopped looking for acknowledgement or thanks a long time ago. It did not lessen our giving.

We have given very generously to wedding of many nieces and nephews. When our daughter was married she was lucky to get even a card from most of them, let alone a token gift of any kind. Does not stop us from giving but I am less than enthusiastic to make the 2000 mile trek to attend any more of the weddings. Besides, the weddings don't seem to stick for very long. So we simply send a cheque and pass on the festivities.

 

[Dtail]

Well, I am old fashioned in that way and do expect a thank you and acknowledgement of any gifts given.
They could at least give a phone call or text for your bday.
I would think twice about continuing to give, or perhaps skip it one year and see what the reaction is.

 

[Rianne]

Appreciate the responses. They are good kids and I see them 3-4 times/year. Three of them adore animals and considered donating to PAWS Chicago(4 * animal charity) in their name. I asked one niece does she like a surprise gift or cash. "Cash is king" she said, she's in college.

I realize a gift of any kind is a gift and should not require a response or thank you. I'll keep giving. I'm just feeling maudlin and self pitying today.

 

[Dash man]

Appreciate the responses. They are good kids and I see them 3-4 times/year. Three of them adore animals and considered donating to PAWS Chicago(4 * animal charity) in their name. I asked one niece does she like a surprise gift or cash. "Cash is king" she said, she's in college.

I realize a gift of any kind is a gift and should not require a response or thank you. I'll keep giving. I'm just feeling maudlin and self pitying today.

We all have those days...

 

[ivinsfan]

It's not maudlin to enjoy getting Thanks You for gifts. A thank you takes less effort then ever nowadays.. How long does it take to send a text that says, Aunty I just got your bday card thanks for thinking about me and the gift.

One summer I hired my nephew who lives nearby to mow our lawn for the Summer. He was looking for something to do, We were busy and we had a big yard. We payed him well. I give the n and n stocking stuffers at Christmas and put a 100 dollar bill in his saying Thanks so much for the good work mowing our lawn.. I saw him the next day at a family gathering and not one word about the money. Nothing ...next summer I mowed my own lawn.


A thank you is just an expression of common curtesy and I have a 21 niece who has never used the word in her life. One of the prouder moments of parenthood was eating with my DD and her 3 year YO and hearing the 3 YO using the words please and thank you at the dinner table.

 

[calmloki]

Happy Birthday!!

 

[Rianne]

Ahhh, thank you! Not until Sept but I was just thinking of all the years past.

 

[marko]

I could've written the original post!

No kids but 7 nieces and nephews all in their mid 20's.

DW's brother's kids don't need anything financially but even $50 in a birthday card gets us a handwritten thank you note and a follow up thank you when we see them in person.

Her sister's kids are fairly dependent on us to the tune of about $10K a year. We pay for their necessities so that they can spend what little they have on video games, HBO, tattoos and junk food. Never--and I mean never once is there a thank you; even verbally.

To this day, the niece (age 27) will not acknowledge me or even say hello unless I do so first; I can stand in a room with her for a half hour and she will ignore me completely unless I speak first.

I've told DW that she better hope that I die first as I plan to cut these ingrates out of my will if she goes first.

It's not about expecting gratitude. It's about these creeps having the basic decency of acknowledging that something was given to them rather than it being a foregone expectation. Yeah, I know. They have no basic decency.

So. Rant over.

 

[cbo111]

I guess everybody is different. As an adult, I have never cared about my own birthday, let alone expect someone else to acknowledge it. And, while I frequently give random gifts to relatives, it rarely coincides with their birthdays.
Funny thing though, at the age of 60, I still get a birthday card from my 83-year old mother. That always puts a smile on my face.

 

[flintnational]

Appreciate the responses. They are good kids and I see them 3-4 times/year. Three of them adore animals and considered donating to PAWS Chicago(4 * animal charity) in their name. I asked one niece does she like a surprise gift or cash. "Cash is king" she said, she's in college.

I realize a gift of any kind is a gift and should not require a response or thank you. I'll keep giving. I'm just feeling maudlin and self pitying today.

You are a good Aunt. They are kids. Several of my Uncles and Aunts always seemed to go out of their way with their time and gifts for me. As a kid, I wonder if I ever thanked them properly. As an adult, I fondly remember their generosity and I try and do the same for my nieces and nephews.

 

[Sue J]

I sent birthday cards with a check to all the nieces and nephews. I did this up to age 18. Then I sent graduation (high school and college) cards with checks.

I always got a Thank You note, or an email.

Funny thing, when they left home a few of them stopped acknowledging. So I stopped sending!

One nephew invited us to his wedding out of town. I sent a gift card to the bridal shower. Then they canceled the wedding after we already bought airfare and accommodations. A month later they eloped. Stupid me, I thought it would be nice to send a wedding card and a check. Never heard a thing! I AM DONE.

 

[Elbata]

I dated a girl and one of the things she liked about me was how I treated waiters/servers in restaurants. I must say, she had a good sense of judgment.

Perhaps it's me, but I notice that people seem to be nicer nowadays. Sometimes though if I do acknowledge others and it's not returned, I tell them to F off.

There's a lot to be said for simple gratitude.

 

[frayne]

A gift is a gift and why expect anything in return. Once the relative reaches the age of majority, why gift, it's not like they are children anymore. If you are gifting and they do not acknowledge or at least thank you, they obviously don't appreciate the gesture and I would gift no more.

 

[CardsFan]

We do not have children. Over the years, 20+ years, I've given pretty generous B-day gifts and X-mas gifts to 5 nieces and nephews. They are also in my will. DH does not oppose this practice.

They do not acknowledge my B-day, I don't get a phone call or a card. One niece who is 21 has acknowledged a couple of times, but I think when it was to her advantage. I'm struggling to stop this practice. On the other hand, does one give gifts for something in return? I think I should donate these gifts to charitable organizations in their name. I could give them a card that states that donation. All nieces/nephews parents are doing ok financially.

Your story made me think back to one of my aunts when I was growing up. She was the stereotypical "maiden aunt". Never married. Lived in an in-law apartment with mom's other sister and family. Lillian always made a big deal about birthdays of all her nieces and nephews. From the age of maybe 8 til 16 or so, on my B-day she would pick me up and take me to a semi-fancy restaurant for dinner. We lived near Boston, and dinner was usually lobster and/ or steamers. Always got a nice B-day card and a few bucks, by mail, as well.

On HS graduation she gave me a bank passbook to help with college. Close to $1,000! (and this was 1973!!) You could see the deposits of $5-$10 at a time starting when I was just a little kid.

I said thank you, but maybe not as often or as passionately as I should have.

Fond long term memories, and, for the record, I could not even guess what her birthday was.

So, that all said, take pleasure in your giving and don't feel at all bad about stopping it when they are adults. But send them a card.

 

[travelover]

We all have those days...

Hell, I have those months.

 

[Souschef]

My 2 sons, unfortunately, killed the goose that laid the golden eggs. My mom and sister used to send them gifts, but never even got a thank you or acknowledgement.
So, they cut them off. I told my sons that they had better acknowledge the gifts, but it was talking to the wall.

 

[Dtail]

My 2 sons, unfortunately, killed the goose that laid the golden eggs. My mom and sister used to send them gifts, but never even got a thank you or acknowledgement.
So, they cut them off. I told my sons that they had better acknowledge the gifts, but it was talking to the wall.

Same with my older son, so no more. Waiting for the next time he needs money.

 

[RobbieB]

When I give I expect nothing in return. I'm seldom disappointed, sometimes surprised. I could care less.

I give because I want to and expect nothing.

Charities on the other hand are even worse. They always say "Thanks for the dough and please send more."

 

[Souschef]

Same with my older son, so no more. Waiting for the next time he needs money.

I saw a great t-shirt. It said "The Bank Of Dad", and hanging on the d at the end was a sign "CLOSED"

 

[marko]

Charities on the other hand are even worse. They always say "Thanks for the dough and please send more."

I was executor to my uncle's will. I had to write a mid-six figure check to a well known charity...religious organization. They cashed the check.

Got nothing. Nada. No thank you or acknowledgment whatsoever. Not even a form letter. Like it never happened.

Sent several small checks to other religious charities ($5K-$10K or so) and got personal, hand written letters.