setting boundaries after retirement!

A

albireo13

Full time employment: Posting here.
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Sep 4, 2017
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So, now you are the guy/gal who is retired.

I find all of a sudden we are getting dogs dumped on us to watch while others take trips. Lots of calls to do this or do that to fix other peoples problems.

I think it is revealing. We find we need to set hard boundaries.

Has anyone else seen this??
 
To answer your question, no, I haven't experienced this, because people realize I would say No. Period. Full Stop.

This is your time. Just because you are retired, does not mean your time and energy belong to anyone else, for any reason.
 
I set my boundaries before retirement.

People can ask, doesn't mean I'll say yes.
 
Hard no, No with an excuse (real or not), whatever it takes.
 
My wife still works and my adult daughter has moved home.

Of course, they both made agreements with others and of course everyone is too busy and it's on me.
 
albireo13 said:
My wife still works and my adult daughter has moved home.

Of course, they both made agreements with others and of course everyone is too busy and it's on me.
Click to expand...

Guess your wife wants to be sure you are kept busy, since she still works. ;)

This can be a problem when people retire at different times, what to do when you are at home. Hopefully make supper so she gets home to a hot meal.
 
Calico said:
To answer your question, no, I haven't experienced this, because people realize I would say No. Period. Full Stop.

This is your time. Just because you are retired, does not mean your time and energy belong to anyone else, for any reason.
Click to expand...

+1

I retired 8 years ago in my mid-40s and as my two kids were still in elementary school, a couple of times I was asked to volunteer at school for various things that had nothing to do with my kids' class. I always said no. Once a school faculty had the timidity to question why I won't help. I replied that I retired because I found paid work distasteful, and unpaid work even more so. They never bothered me after that.

To OP: if someone ask you to do something you don't want to do, just say no. You've earned the time and freedom to do as you please, and you're not beholden to anyone for anything.
 
albireo13 said:
My wife still works and my adult daughter has moved home.

Of course, they both made agreements with others and of course everyone is too busy and it's on me.
Click to expand...

Then you gotta tell them no. They don't get to make promises and then expect you to keep them.

A while back my kids were agitating to get a dog and DW was onboard. I knew that as DW still works and kids are still at school, I would be stuck taking care of the dog during the day, and I have zero interest in doing that, so I said no way in hell. DW wasn't happy with me and kids were screaming, but I stuck to my gun and duly weathered the storm. No dog, no pet, no nothing :D
 
There is a difference between helping out a friend and being taken advantage of. Use discernment and answer accordingly.
 
A friend told me that he says: "You can't afford me."
It works. Longer explanation if they still insist is that this is my time and I choose how to spend it. I do help others but on my schedule and only if it's something I enjoy doing.
 
I just resigned from the HOA Board. Ours was more reasonable than many- restrictions are not at micro-managing level- but they're not enforcing what restrictions we have, which (many lawyers have told us) means we lose our right to enforce ANY restrictions. Just before I left on a 3-week trip we had agreed that we needed to follow the rules and get approval of a majority of residents to allow a vinyl fence one resident wanted to put up; restrictions state only wood or ornamental metal. No e-mails while I was gone but when I got back I found that the fence was up. Board Chair told me that the Architectural Review Board had "approved" it (they have no such authority) and so had the HOA Board (ditto- and I sure wasn't consulted).

I can't deal with people who don't follow the rules- plenty of other places that need my skills.
 
I bump into this as a volunteer. I have made it clear I am available for specific timeframes, and that is it. Thus, I choose to ignore subsequent requests for help, and I sure as h#ll don't feel guilty about. My mantra is, 'You get what you get, and no more.'

My advice, and my personal approach, is to simply not respond. Eventually, people will 'get it,' and stop asking.
 
albireo13 said:
My wife still works and my adult daughter has moved home.

Of course, they both made agreements with others and of course everyone is too busy and it's on me.
Click to expand...

Oh, wow. Why would your wife and daughter take advantage of your time like that without discussing it first?
Yes, it sounds like you need to sit down and discuss your boundaries. You worked hard to enjoy your retirement!
If they want to take care of someones dog/cat/problems, it's on them, not you!
Good Luck.
 
The Cosmic Avenger said:
Thank you! I say this ALL THE TIME to friends who try to say "no, because", and then get steamrolled. Don't explain, just say no! I may have to get that tee shirt!:LOL:
Click to expand...

I had no idea there were so many versions of the shirt available! :D
 
Calico said:
No is a complete sentence.
Click to expand...

COcheesehead said:
No is the secret code to get to the next level.
Click to expand...

luckydude said:
To OP: if someone ask you to do something you don't want to do, just say no. You've earned the time and freedom to do as you please, and you're not beholden to anyone for anything.
Click to expand...

Saying "No", full stop, is a great idea in principle, but obviously it has some drawbacks. I wish we lived in a world where "No" ended the conversation, but in the actual world it's almost always followed by something like "Oh... are you busy that day/time?", followed by more questions if you simply say "Yes, I am." If you hold steadfast with "I just can't do it" or "I don't want to do it", then you're immediately judged as selfish and rude. Of course, if this doesn't bother you at all, then a simple, full-stop "No" is great. Personally, I have trouble with being this blunt and reticent with my close friends and family.
 
I am not retired but noticed some of this after I started working from home since I saved time commuting.

My mom kicked her boyfriend out awhile back and he used to help her financially, cut her grass, and do her yardwork. She asked me to start cutting her grass as she's not really able to use a mower. Then it was yard work. She had started asking things like what I'm doing when she calls and has been trying to gauage what my schedule is during the week. Lately I've gotten requests for things ilke hauling some stuff over to the Goodwill, pickup something she wants to buy on Craigslist, etc. She has another son with a truck (but apparently his time is more valuable because he's married) and a brother with a truck but will hit me up first. At what point is it necessary to draw the line?
 
Last edited:
albireo13 said:
So, now you are the guy/gal who is retired.

I find all of a sudden we are getting dogs dumped on us to watch while others take trips. Lots of calls to do this or do that to fix other peoples problems.

I think it is revealing. We find we need to set hard boundaries.

Has anyone else seen this??
Click to expand...
I had it in excess the first few years of my ER. Siblings and in-laws. I was unable to find an easy or polite way to deal with it, but after a couple years of ruffled feathers most got the message.

Calico said:
No is a complete sentence.

Shirt:

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=no+is+a+complete+sentence+shirt&crid=11A5QT1I6MSBH&sprefix=no+is+a+co%2Caps%2C276&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_3_10

Book:

https://www.amazon.com/No-Complete-Sentence-Megan-LeBoutillier/dp/0345376471/ref=sr_1_1?crid=QNK9YBRWZ9AV&keywords=no+is+a+complete+sentence+book&qid=1685314106&sprefix=no+is+a+complete+sentence+book%2Caps%2C156&sr=8-1
Click to expand...
The best. I’m not much for t-shirts with messages but this is one I need.
 
I've trained the people around me. I only volunteer on my own terms. My kids were in school when I retired, so I volunteered for field trips, and proctoring IB and AP tests. The testing was a burst of activity at the end of the year, but it worked out well for me - I'd choose the time slots to work out with pickup or drop off since I lived 10 miles from their schools.

Pet watching only happens with people (my sister) who reciprocate. I take care of her aging/medicated cat while she's out of town. She takes in our dog when we travel. We clear travel plans with each other before booking to make sure to avoid conflicts.

Helping people with repairs, etc... DH is super handy but he's made me promise to NEVER volunteer his time as a fix-it. I have a few friends who are bummed by that - but that's their issue. My marriage has priority over their desire to not have to call a handyman.

He does not volunteer me for stuff.
 
Sojourner said:
Saying "No", full stop, is a great idea in principle, but obviously it has some drawbacks. I wish we lived in a world where "No" ended the conversation, but in the actual world it's almost always followed by something like "Oh... are you busy that day/time?", followed by more questions if you simply say "Yes, I am." If you hold steadfast with "I just can't do it" or "I don't want to do it", then you're immediately judged as selfish and rude. Of course, if this doesn't bother you at all, then a simple, full-stop "No" is great. Personally, I have trouble with being this blunt and reticent with my close friends and family.
Click to expand...

My sister-in-law once tried getting me to watch her and my brother's dogs when they went on vacation. I told her no and had to repeat it numerous times because she would not take no for an answer. I am glad I did so because they travel often and I would have been stuck watching their dogs each time. Unfortunately they had a dog pass away soon after boarding the dog. That might have been a coincidence or might not have. However, if I was doing the babysitting, I could have been blamed for it. That is another reason I'm glad I turned them down.
 
Interesting. I’m enjoying being able to say yes to helping out when needed now that I’m retired.
Work took so much of my time and energy that I was often not available for extra curricular activities.
To each their own though.
 
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