Social Outlet for Spouse/Spending TIme Apart

[tangomonster]

Very true, youbet. Still working on not being the good girl/people pleaser. At 60, it's time to let that stuff go...and be true to myself. As long as I am convinced that I am not being a horrible wife by leaving him on his own twice a month, I need to just enjoy my time out. Thanks for the reminder!

I always wonder when I see married women out by themselves on a Saturday night whether they have a great marriage (following their own interests, not being joined at the hip) or a terrible one (don't want to spend time together). Guess every couple is different, with its own back history, motivations, preferences, lifestyle, etc.

 

[aja8888]

I can assure you that the typical homebrew club includes a substantial percentage of socially awkward nerds. Good company!

In a small area within a few neighborhoods around here................

I belong to a Wednesday Night Group (we call it the "Choir") who meets at a local sports bar every week (typically 5 of us). We are a mix of introverts, retired guys, working guys and an occasional straggler. We drink beer, but no one makes their own! This group has been doing this for over 20 years (some folks died, some new ones, some originals).

There is a group of retired guys that meets every morining at the local Burger King for coffee and such. Same mix in that group.

There are lots of opportunities for Mr. Tangomonster to get out and meet some NEW friends. He's just got to take the initiative.

Question (medical)? Is there a chance he suffers from depression? I know that can be an issue.

 

[Alan]

Nope, that isn't it. It's more like being a little child who is upset that they aren't getting to go out to eat!

He needs to get over it, and you shouldn't feel guilty about getting away on your own with some friends on a regular basis, or feel guilty that he chooses not to go out with friends on his own activities.

One of my favorite Andy Capp cartoons has the vicar walking past Andy and Flo as they are having a row, and he says, "You two fight more than my cat and dog", to which Flo replies, "Just try tying them together!". In other words, we all need our own space and should recognize that.

 

[audreyh1]

Frankly, I think you should stop being so protective and tell him to get a life.

+1

 

[nash031]

This thread like several others recently actually is all about the boundaries issue. An adult man or woman cannot annex another person to give purpose or interest to his/her life. That this other person may be a marriage partner does not make it any more valid. Won't work, engenders resentment and is an all around non-starter.

OP doesn't have to solve his problem, in fact if she tries she is actually enabling his dependency.

All she needs to do is get straight on what her privacy needs and rights are, then enforce them.

Even though this may be written like stereo instructions (), I agree with it: you need to tell him what you are going to do, why you want to do it, and then do it, and let him figure it out. This is a "him" problem, not a "you" problem.

I go through this quite a bit with my wife when I want to do my triathlon training on weekends. I tell her "I have a one-hour bike ride to do today", and then let her figure out how to occupy that time. She and I have "fought" (not really) about this for the 2.5 years we've been married, but most recently discussed it and she said "you did this before we got married, I can't honestly expect you to change or stop now that we're married and it's your passion/hobby. I need to find something."

When she goes to play tennis or judge gymnastics on the weekend, I go ride, run, swim, etc.

And now we have a dog who helps occupy some of her down/alone time, and keeps us busy together, too!

I have no problem going out on my own for dinners and such if she's not around. I'm not a particularly social guy when it comes to needing a group outing. She likes having friends around. Many of "our friends" were initially just hers, and I'm fine with it when she wants to go out with them on her own. Seems like your husband just needs to find "his thing" or learn (it's not too late!!) to be comfortable in his own skin!

 

[braumeister]

We drink beer

And that's really all that matters, as I see it.

 

[SVHoper]

Perhaps he would be more accepting if you bring him home a nice ToGo box

He can entertain himself at home happily, but still get the Foodie fix?

 

[splitwdw]

You've been the social director for your whole married life. Now it's 24/7. You may have created the issue by planning all your "meetups" over the years. If he's an introvert, it's not something new that you're learning.

 

[Meadbh]

I just can't understand why any adult would need to have activities planned for every moment of his day.

 

[NW-Bound]

My wife and I do not go out to socialize much, both being introverts. Though we each have our own friends, we do not see them but a few times a year, my wife more often than I do. It never bothers me when my wife goes out with her friends, as I would not know to participate in their talks. The only common friends we have are our neighbors, whom we entertained often.

One of my aunts has a husband who nags when she wants to travel, not to visit friends but relatives out-of-state. I do not understand why a man can be so insecure.

This thread is just timely as I recently ran across this French rock song that was a hit more than 10 years ago. It's "Aussi Libre Que Moi" (As Free As I Am). I recently listened to more rock music than I ever did when in my 20s through 50s.

Aussi Libre Que Moi / As Free As I Am

Tu peux venir te poser sur moi / You can come & land on me
Je ne veux rien t'imposer / I don't want to impose you anything
Reste aussi longtemps que tu voudras / Stay as long as you want
Si le voyage à mes côtés / If the journey by my side
Peut simplement te garder / Simply can keep you
Aussi libre que moi / As free as I am
Aussi libre que moi / As free as I am
Aussi libre qu'on soit / As free as we are
Si tu es comme je crois / If you are as I think
Aussi libre que moi / As free as I am

N'ai pas à craindre de me bouleverser / Don't fear to upset me
Ce qui pourrait arriver / What could happen
Je te laisserai sur ma peau / I'll let you on my skin
Te tatouer / Tattooing you
À mon anneau t'accrocher / At my ring to hold on
Et sans barreau te garder / And without bar to keep you
Aussi libre que moi / As free as I am
Aussi libre que moi / As free as I am
Aussi libre qu'on soit / As free as we are
Si tu es comme je crois / If you are as I think
Aussi libre que moi / As free as I am​

* Taken from Translation of "Aussi Libre Que Moi" by Calogero from French to English (Version #2)


Calogero - « Aussi libre que moi » + sous-titres - YouTube

 

[ShortInSeattle]

My hubby is like yours. Our solution has been to agree that it's OK to want friend-time or alone-time. We talked about it.

"I'm having an introvert day." (ie: Leave me alone unless you really need something.)
"I'm going out for Girl-Time with Amy" (ie: You're not invited)
"I could use some hang-out time with Shannon - can I leave you to your own devices on Sunday?" (ie: checking in before I commit)

Most of our time is couples time, and having these code phrases helps.

But for the record, if he did pout I'd just remind him that I'll miss him too, and then walk out with no guilt. I'm not his cruise director, and he isn't mine.

 

[tangomonster]

Thanks for all your input.

Mead---it's not that he is at a loss for activities. He is plenty happy piddling around at home reading and doing puzzles. It's just that when I'm going out, he seems to want a similar experience...probably more so for the food than the actual social aspect.

SV---the To Go box would be okay---except then I'd be home too late for him to have it for lunch, but maybe it could help appease him.

It seems he just wants to eat out a little more than we are currently doing, so I will make sure we eat out at least one extra time a week.

NW, loved the song.

ShortinSeattle, those code phrases will now be used in our home. I think that's just what we need. And you are so right---I don't recall those vows we took 37 years ago including a commitment to be a cruise director or be the only person in his life 24/7.

Of course this wouldn't be a problem if he could make just a couple of friends, but that doesn't seem to be a realistic expectation....

 

[donheff]

What Youbet and Ha said, focus on your own needs and let him work on his. If he actually asks for suggestions, sure toss some out like the home brewing club but don't assume that because he would rather you stay home with him you need to solve his problem.

The whole issue is interesting. DW and I do most things together but she regularly goes out by herself with life long friends (she grew up in the area) whereas I don't. I have never been comfortable just calling someone up and saying "lets go out to lunch." On the other hand I am very sociable in a social setting involving some sort of group activity. I recognize that if DW dies ahead of me I will have to take a more active roll in generating individual social outings but I think it would be a hard change. Both fortunately and unfortunately I am fairly comfortable being alone and can easily occupy my time. But I would probably tend to become a bit isolated unless I learned to initiate individual social contacts.

 

[zedd]

I can assure you that the typical homebrew club includes a substantial percentage of socially awkward nerds. Good company!

+1

What other group could find contentment in sitting around watching water boil.

full disclosure: I'm a homebrewer

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Of course this wouldn't be a problem if he could make just a couple of friends, but that doesn't seem to be a realistic expectation....

When I had a recently divorced friend who was wanting a lot more of my time than I had to give (I was "the" friend) I asked her if she would be open to some books on getting back into the social world. She was open so I made a CARE package with books like How to Win Friends and Influence People and Conversationally Speaking: Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness. I don't know if it was the books or something else, but she became a club joiner and even club officer after that and now has a very busy social life with clubs and volunteer work.

If you husband is motivated maybe he just needs a few pointers / books on finding some clubs or hobby groups and how to make small talk.

 

[healthyandfun]

Adding my 2 cents worth.....from a different vantage point. Had a friendship of 15+ with a wonderful person.....thought we would be lifelong friends. She also had 4 other female friends (of many years). When she and her husband retired, he began to accompany her to all outings with her friends. (Rarely had seen him before this.). His presence changed the dynamics of the friendship over time. Gradually over a few years, he became annoyed with petty stuff and convinced her it was important.....he related all the details to me....one by one her friends went by the wayside.....I was the last friend standing. He manufactured something and I was dropped. Sad situation all around. Boundaries as mentioned in previous postings are important and healthy for a good relationship. My advice would be to set some healthy boundaries and see your friends on a regular basis on your own.

 

[tangomonster]

Daylate---that CARE package is one of the most thoughtful gifts I've heard of. And while you don't know for sure that it changed your friend's life for the better, I definitely think you should take credit for it!

Healthyandfun, interesting story. Said that one person can disrupt the dynamics of a small group of friends. Wonder why he kept accompanying her if he didn't like her friends?

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Daylate---that CARE package is one of the most thoughtful gifts I've heard of. And while you don't know for sure that it changed your friend's life for the better, I definitely think you should take credit for it!

She might have gotten out on her own anyway after a period of mourning the loss of her marriage. But I think the books at worst didn't hurt and maybe they did help.

I just know from raising kids with different personalities, getting out there and being around people is enough for some to make friends and others need some coaching. I think social skills like making small, showing empathy, giving compliments, looking for common ground, and asking open ended questions are skills that can be learned.

If your DH is socially awkward, just joining groups or being told to get a life of his own may not really be helpful compared to having him pick up some tips first from a Dale Carnagie type class or book. With help to overcome the social awkwardness, he might find social outings without you more comfortable and rewarding.

 

[Katsmeow]

This is really interesting to me. I think there are 2 issues. One is your DH feeling left out when you go off with your friends. That is a hard one for me as stuff like that isn't an issue for DH or me. In the past when DH had a hobby that I didn't share he would go out for it and I enjoyed having the time to myself at home. When I went off to have lunch with a former co-worker, it didn't bother him either. I think if I thought that it did bother him, I would try to discuss it forthrightly with him and try to find out if he had any legitimate concern (such as me springing it on him at the last minute without him being able to prepare for it, etc). Beyond that, I would simply carry on.

The other issue is how does he develop his own social life so that he can have his own individual social activities. Frankly, as an introvert, I have difficulty with this one myself. We moved to our current locale 2 years ago and, while I like it a lot, the one thing I don't like is that I have no social life other than DH and our kids. I don't know anyone in this area and don't really know how to find anyone. The difference between DH and I is that this lack of social interaction with others is starting to bother me but it doesn't bother DH (and strangely enough I'm the more introverted of the two of us).

In the situation with your DH, you mention him basically feeling like he is missing out on eating out. I wonder about whether there are any dining out groups in your area where he could maybe attend by himself. Or maybe take a cooking class somewhere? Maybe a local community college might have some sort of classes like that (or on some other subject he might like). Around here, the CC has classes geared for people over 50 so you might look for something like that. Or rather, he might do so. I do think it is his problem to solve. But, he might need some help in developing those skills.

 

[EastWest Gal]

Community college classes, volunteering at the library, local museum, local historical society, Habitat for Humanity, all good ideas. Join a gym. For a couple of years when I didn't have a lot of work, I volunteered at the local YMCA. I made some friends and we got a free family membership.

Heck, encourage him to get involved in these forums! Maybe he'll come up with his own ideas.

 

[Dash man]

Your description of your husband sounds very much like me. I love spending time with my wife and much of our social life is spend around her family and friends. The only friends I have are a couple of female friends, so time spent with them is limited out of respect for my wife and to keep things well away from crossing any awkward lines. I'm very much an introvert, am not depressed and don't suffer from Aspergers or any other disorders, diseases, syndromes or whatever. I love time with my wife and am very content with my time alone. When she goes out alone to see her friends, she worries about leaving me alone too. I do tell her I'll miss her, and I do because I love her. But I want her to have her own life and I also enjoy my alone time. I'm aware of activities in the community I can get involved in. Some days I go out exploring or check out things going on in town. But the last thing I want is for my wife to push me to do things I'm not interested in. You may be imagining a problem where there isn't one.

 

[Elbata]

My husband and I participate in a lot of Meetup groups, so we socialize two to four times a week together. But it's becoming an issue that we don't have equal opportunity for independent socialization. As a female and being more outgoing than he is, I find it easier to make friends. Most of my friends, including single women, become his friends as well (in that we see them together)---but I still want some time just one on one with them. I think it's healthy not to be together 24/7.

I sound like your husband. In fact, the few friends I've had for the last 20-40 years I find I'm getting rid of them. And gasp, I'm really OK with not having friends.

My wife seems to have friends come into and out of her life all the time. While I like and respect it, her friendships are shallow (maybe not right word) and come and go. Probably good, because her life is so trivial, she can retell her boring stories all over again, just as long as she puts up with the stupid banalities of her new girlfriends. One such new girlfriend divorced over 10 years ago, still rags on her former husband as main topic of conversation.

So my wife asks for permission to hang out with these yentas and I say go for it. In fact don't even bother to ask me. I'm not your damn babysitter.

What bothers me is when I choose to do something, she needs to know exactly what I'll be doing and how long it will take. To say controlling would be putting it mildly.