Experience to share - Moved DM to Assisted Living

[robnplunder]

My 81 year old mom has dementia. It has gotten to a point of being dangerous to live by herself. She can't retain her short term memory unless it has significant emotional content. She can't manage her medicine. Her apartment is full of things she kept buying/bringing in b/c she can't remember if she has the item or not. Once in our visit (360 mile drive), we found 6 different bag of onions bought at different times. The oldest one has turned into a rotting mushy thingy. She started get lost while driving so we took away her car. Number of her neighbors, friends begin to shrink and I suspect she was spending most of her time alone. I also suspected that she was being taken advantage of by people close to her.


But I knew it was going to be a battle to make her move. She has been fiercely independent all her life, and despite being aware of her "memory" issue, she believes she is well enough to live by herself. We visited multiple assisted living places with her. None met her approval. Instead, she was insistent on how she is fit to live by herself. This went on for a few months until we found an assisted living place where one of her friends live. She became a spokesperson for the place and my mom finally agreed to move. We submitted an application for DM and returned home.


Some two weeks later, we got the notice that the place is ready to receive DM. When I told DM that we are coming to move her to her friend's "apartment," she went "huh?" Of course, she (her dementia) forgot all about the assisted living place she visited, and her friend who is waiting for DM to join her there. In essence, I had to start the battle all over again. A few days before the move, I took DM to the place again. Unknown to DM, I prearranged her friend to be there to meet her. This worked and before my mom's memory of this 2nd visit faded, we mover her into the new place.


The 1st month was tough for all of us. DW and I spent two weeks away from home, setting up her new place, visiting her every day to help her get adjusted, cleaning out her old apartment, .... All the while, DM resenting the move, worrying about stuff she left in her old place, etc..



It's been two months now and DM is happy in the new place. She has new friends, more activities, and definitely less lonely. She became physically healthier, too. Things worked out well, knock on wood.


Moving her to the assisted living place was one of the most stressful thing I had to go through since I retired 3 years ago. The finality of my mom's condition hit me hard. The fact that I have to move her to a place where the main gate is locked from inside hit me harder. But I've come to terms with it. Special thanks to DW whom I could not have done the move without.

 

[bmcgonig]

My 81 year old mom has dementia. It has gotten to a point of being dangerous to live by herself. She can't retain her short term memory unless it has significant emotional content. She can't manage her medicine. Her apartment is full of things she kept buying/bringing in b/c she can't remember if she has the item or not. Once in our visit (360 mile drive), we found 6 different bag of onions bought at different times. The oldest one has turned into a rotting mushy thingy. She started get lost while driving so we took away her car. Number of her neighbors, friends begin to shrink and I suspect she was spending most of her time alone. I also suspected that she was being taken advantage of by people close to her.


But I knew it was going to be a battle to make her move. She has been fiercely independent all her life, and despite being aware of her "memory" issue, she believes she is well enough to live by herself. We visited multiple assisted living places with her. None met her approval. Instead, she was insistent on how she is fit to live by herself. This went on for a few months until we found an assisted living place where one of her friends live. She became a spokesperson for the place and my mom finally agreed to move. We submitted an application for DM and returned home.


Some two weeks later, we got the notice that the place is ready to receive DM. When I told DM that we are coming to move her to her friend's "apartment," she went "huh?" Of course, she (her dementia) forgot all about the assisted living place she visited, and her friend who is waiting for DM to join her there. In essence, I had to start the battle all over again. A few days before the move, I took DM to the place again. Unknown to DM, I prearranged her friend to be there to meet her. This worked and before my mom's memory of this 2nd visit faded, we mover her into the new place.


The 1st month was tough for all of us. DW and I spent two weeks away from home, setting up her new place, visiting her every day to help her get adjusted, cleaning out her old apartment, .... All the while, DM resenting the move, worrying about stuff she left in her old place, etc..



It's been two months now and DM is happy in the new place. She has new friends, more activities, and definitely less lonely. She became physically healthier, too. Things worked out well, knock on wood.


Moving her to the assisted living place was one of the most stressful thing I had to go through since I retired 3 years ago. The finality of my mom's condition hit me hard. The fact that I have to move her to a place where the main gate is locked from inside hit me harder. But I've come to terms with it. Special thanks to DW whom I could not have done the move without.

Nice one Rob. Well done.

 

[davismills]

Been there, done that. You did well and your Mom is much better off for your prompt actions.

 

[splitwdw]

Sorry that you and your wife had to go through this stressful time.
It sounds like it was the right move. I know you said she agreed to the move originally but when someone has dementia can you just move them? I wonder when I read posts like this if you have to have them declared incompetent if they won't move.

 

[Lewis Clark]

Robnplunder, I think you handled this very difficult situation extremely well.

 

[bigcmagor]

If your mom was whole, she would be proud. Nice job.

 

[jwkde]

Tough but the right choice for all concerned.

 

[f35phixer]

good job, we lived through this with DW's uncle. DW was the love of his life, BUT he had become a mean/nasty man to her. Broke our hearts to see the change that this horrible THING does to a brain... This will bring a nice change to your life !!!!

 

[Maenad]

Thank you for sharing your story. My mom is 77 with Lewy Body Dementia, so I think we'll be doing this sooner rather than later as well. It helps to know that it gets better.

 

[Bir48die]

Mom went into assisted living for a couple of years until she started wandering. Then into memory care and finally an adult foster home. About eight years total. It was really tough. Can't imagine those who take care of their parents at home in these situations.

 

[gauss]

Moving her to the assisted living place was one of the most stressful thing I had to go through since I retired 3 years ago. The finality of my mom's condition hit me hard. The fact that I have to move her to a place where the main gate is locked from inside hit me harder. But I've come to terms with it. Special thanks to DW whom I could not have done the move without.

Went through this last year with my 86 yo mid-state dementia DM. She has no spouse. I have no siblings so it was all on me.

She actually was living alone up until early last year. She fell at night then wanted to go to the hospital the next morning. Alcohol consumption was involved.

I took her in and they said her muscles were very deconditioned and that PT would help.

5 weeks later, at the end of the hospital/rehab facility stay, they said that she wasn't ready to live alone yet and prescribed further PT/OT.

I looked at this as a temporary need for an AL facility. There was one 2 miles from my house, so I thought all things being equal, lets check this one out. They allowed her to stay on a 'respite' status for up to 90 days which she did. After that she would need be converted to a normal resident with the associated up front, non-refundable community fee ($1500).

I said Mom, if you want to try to move back home and see how you like it now would be the time. We tried this, but within 10 days she was ready to go back to the facility (yeah!). It was her decision and she liked the idea of being near me instead of on the other side of town (yeah!).

This setup the course to shut down her existing apartment and establish a permanent room at the facility.

While clearing out her apartment, I had to make many choices of what to keep and what to let go. My 2nd cousin is an interior designer and female so she was also very helpful in the process.

What I decided to do was to retain a storage locker for things that she may still want. Recall that I was making the initial sort but we could switch thing. She was much more comfortable with this decision as opposed to have to sort everything up front.

All in all there are ongoing challenges with a DM with dementia, but over all I think it went okay.

The four key things from this experience were:
- a trip to the hospital can trigger a recommendation that she not live alone until further notice (ie. Dr's Orders).

- Some "temporary/respite" time spent at a facility will possibly allow her to make bonds.

- Allowing her to go back home for 10 days allowed her to make the decision to return to the AL facility.

- The use of a storage facility to ease the transition was worth it -- much cheaper than maintaining 2 residences.

Going forward, I am basically looking at this as a Journey and not a destination.

-gauss

 

[Dtail]

Sounds like you did everything right. My best wishes for your whole family.

 

[target2019]

2011 through Sept 2018 my in-laws were in I/L, A/L, and M-I-L finally in memory unit. She was there longer than most, for a few years. I had an active roll with finances, while spouse had the extreme load of finances and emotional care.

It is a large relief to know they are safe. Many stories along the way...

 

[Moemg]

It is a very hard decision to make but they are usually happier in their new abode .

 

[swakyaby]

Well-handled, in my opinion. I hope the assisted living facility is close to you rather than close to your mom's former home 360 miles away. You will be visiting her frequently to ensure she is getting the proper attention and is thriving, and will need to be her spokesperson for the ever-increasing doctor's visits.

 

[chris2008]

Well-handled, in my opinion. I hope the assisted living facility is close to you rather than close to your mom's former home 360 miles away. You will be visiting her frequently to ensure she is getting the proper attention and is thriving, and will need to be her spokesperson for the ever-increasing doctor's visits.

Congrats for a great job to DW + you + DM.

Did a similar move of DM 4,5 years ago, then 85 y old but fortunately no dementia.
There is a wide spectrum between "incompetent to make decisions" and "better off allowing loved ones to push you to decisions you are afraid to take alone".

 

[Dd852]

Good for you. My DM is 82. Lost the car last year when she had a stroke while driving but is still fiercely ensconced at home. The day will come when I have to do what you did; I only hope I handle it as well as you did.

 

[robnplunder]

I know you said she agreed to the move originally but when someone has dementia can you just move them? I wonder when I read posts like this if you have to have them declared incompetent if they won't move.

I wondered about it, too, and hoped that it didn't have to go that far. Luckily, she moved willingly. But without her friend in the facility already, I hate to think what I had to do.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My good friend got dementia in her 50’s. By 63 her husband died and I had to put her in a home. She always very social so I thought she would thrive. Instead within 2 months she no longer recognized anyone and the doctor said it cannot progress that fast. She barely ate and paced most of the time. We changed her medications etc but nothing helped. Within a year she was in diapers, being fed and non-verbal. Thankfully her cancer came back and killed her.

 

[Bamaman]

Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. We went through the same thing with my aunt when she was in her late 80's. She left behind a big house full of "Stuff" that took 3 huge Dempster Dumpsters to get rid of.

First she moved to assisted living. About age 96, she went on to full nursing home care after a broken hip. Expect the same for your DM. But Auntie lived to 3 months short of 100 years, and she was happy.

 

[robnplunder]

While clearing out her apartment, I had to make many choices of what to keep and what to let go.

This triggered part two of this post.


Since DM is moving to a much smaller space, most of what she had must go. For two weeks, we went through all of her stuff one item at a time. About 20% went to Goodwill. 50% were thrown out. Many that were thrown out could be donated or kept. But we were just too tired and throwing out was the easy thing to do. The rest was either moved or we kept in case DM would need it. Am I am glad we kept some of her stuff. It turned out that we missed a few needed items which we had to retrieve from the "kept" list.



A funny story. DM used to tell me (as a joke) that when she dies, I should go through her magazines and books to look for cash. She'd "hid" cash in different places for reasons I don't care to understand. Indeed, we found cash, and lots of it. As we went through all her stuff, we found cash everywhere, between pages of books, in old hand bags (she had many), pockets, drawers, .... It certainly helped as that money will pay for the 1st 6 months of her stay. The future payments will come out of my pocket. We also found lots of coins, and foreign currency left over from her trips abroad. Some coins were not even currency - tokens from somewhere. ... . Sadly funny stuff.

 

[Jerry1]

In a similar situation. MIL has dementia and has been getting worst and it’s speeding up. DW brings her to our house today and without getting into details, pretty much says MIL will be living with us now. Note, we knew this day was coming. The behavior DW described was sad. Now we need to figure out next steps. We’ll keep her with us until she’s beyond our ability to care for. Thankfully she still can take care of her personal needs.

However, funny thing happened. DW hasn’t fully reacted to the situation. Puts MIL in the shower, tells her where everything is and steps out. (Ps, I knew this wasn’t going to go well). Soon, I’m telling DW to make sure MIL is okay. She pokes her head in and all seems well. Of course MIL forgets how to turn off the shower, so DW has to go in and assist. I walk by the bathroom and notice the very strong smell of a body wash I use once in awhile. After a bit of deduction, we realize that MIL has used it for shampoo. Well, her hair may look a bit frizzy, but it smells pretty good.

I’ll be going to Bed Bath an Beyond tomorrow for some bottles I can write on and fill with her products and some sort of container to label as belonging to MIL. She can still read so we’ll see if that will work. It doesn’t look like it will be as long as we thought before she’ll need help and then moved to assisted living / memory care. We just hope her money last long enough to not have to have her on Medicaid and the type of care we suspect that would bring so the longer we can care for her the better.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Many places don’t throw out people once they need Medicaid if they have paid for a year. I made sure to place my friend in one like that so she wouldn’t have to move.

 

[audreyh1]

A funny story. DM used to tell me (as a joke) that when she dies, I should go through her magazines and books to look for cash. She'd "hid" cash in different places for reasons I don't care to understand. Indeed, we found cash, and lots of it. As we went through all her stuff, we found cash everywhere, between pages of books, in old hand bags (she had many), pockets, drawers, .... It certainly helped as that money will pay for the 1st 6 months of her stay. The future payments will come out of my pocket. We also found lots of coins, and foreign currency left over from her trips abroad. Some coins were not even currency - tokens from somewhere. ... . Sadly funny stuff.

Wow!

 

[robnplunder]

In a similar situation. MIL has dementia and has been getting worst and it’s speeding up. DW brings her to our house today and without getting into details, pretty much says MIL will be living with us now. Note, we knew this day was coming. The behavior DW described was sad. Now we need to figure out next steps. We’ll keep her with us until she’s beyond our ability to care for. Thankfully she still can take care of her personal needs.

However, funny thing happened. DW hasn’t fully reacted to the situation. Puts MIL in the shower, tells her where everything is and steps out. (Ps, I knew this wasn’t going to go well). Soon, I’m telling DW to make sure MIL is okay. She pokes her head in and all seems well. Of course MIL forgets how to turn off the shower, so DW has to go in and assist. I walk by the bathroom and notice the very strong smell of a body wash I use once in awhile. After a bit of deduction, we realize that MIL has used it for shampoo. Well, her hair may look a bit frizzy, but it smells pretty good.

I’ll be going to Bed Bath an Beyond tomorrow for some bottles I can write on and fill with her products and some sort of container to label as belonging to MIL. She can still read so we’ll see if that will work. It doesn’t look like it will be as long as we thought before she’ll need help and then moved to assisted living / memory care. We just hope her money last long enough to not have to have her on Medicaid and the type of care we suspect that would bring so the longer we can care for her the better.

If you haven't already, I suggest that you review some of the youtube videos on how to be a caregiver for people with dementia. It will help you avoid a lot of future issues.


I also considered taking DM into our house and had a dry run about 10 months prior. It didn't work out. She got lonely as all her friends, other family members (most notably my sister), and relatives are in 360 miles away from our home She also lived in big city and we in a suburb. The only people she know would be us and it is hard for her to make new friends in our environment. She is a 1st generation immigrant and wanted the company of others like her. Our neighbors didn't have any. In short, the dry run failed miserably with her cutting short of the "long visit (dry run)."