Experience to share - Moved DM to Assisted Living

[mountainsoft]

Moving her to the assisted living place was one of the most stressful thing I had to go through

It's difficult, but you did the right thing.

I went through something similar a couple years ago when my mom had a stroke. She had stopped speaking to anyone for over 20 years, so the stroke was a shocking way to reconnect. Thankfully, my mom was the one who brought up assisted living, but my wife and I still had the responsibility of checking out different facilities and getting her moved in. Mom didn't even want to see it first, saying she wouldn't be happy with any of them so it didn't matter. I think we chose well from the various options, but it still took mom well over a year to adjust. She was rather angry for a while that she couldn't go back home, but we were finally able to fix up her house and get it sold. Once the house was gone I think she could finally accept where she is.

I still struggle myself, wishing something better for my mom than that tiny 300 square foot studio apartment she lives in now. She has regained most all of her mobility and her speech and is still mentally sharp. Some days I start thinking she would be fine living on her own, then one little situation will happen that reminds me why I'm glad she has people watching out for her, preparing meals, etc. It's still ridiculous how expensive it is for such a tiny little apartment (smaller than most motel rooms!).

It's sad that she ended up there, but the reality is she could have died a couple years ago. So we're getting some time to reconnect after so many years apart.

 

[robnplunder]

Some days I start thinking she would be fine living on her own, then one little situation will happen that reminds me why I'm glad she has people watching out for her, preparing meals

I know what you mean. Even when things got dire for DM, I had a little doubt if I am moving her prematurely. In my case, I probably waited one or two "situations" too long. She was getting sick often, one ailment after another. Since she moved to the facility, she hasn't complained of any health issues. I think eating regularly, and taking medicine properly helped quite a bit.

 

[mountainsoft]

She was getting sick often, one ailment after another. Since she moved to the facility, she hasn't complained of any health issues. I think eating regularly, and taking medicine properly helped quite a bit.

When my mom first moved to assisted living she had regained some mobility after her stroke, but still struggled with some things and didn't seem in very good health overall. In the back of my mind I thought "this situation sucks, but in her condition she probably won't live much longer".

Fast forward almost two years, and she's doing quite well. Barring a sudden illness or injury, I see no reason why she won't be around another ten years.

 

[swakyaby]

My good friend got dementia in her 50’s. By 63 her husband died and I had to put her in a home. She always very social so I thought she would thrive. Instead within 2 months she no longer recognized anyone and the doctor said it cannot progress that fast. her.

After my brother arranged for DM to go to a memory care assisted living, I visited her and was puzzled by a huge decline in a period of months. She could no longer recognize me, could barely walk, started falling, and had become incontinent. My brother later learned that the assisted living facility was giving DM antipsychotics round the clock to keep her less argumentative. After he insisted that she was being over medicated, they decreased the dose frequency and her mentation improved. She was able to converse with me, stopped falling, and she was no longer wetting the bed. I still believe most assisted living facilities try to do the best they can, but apparently if there is no one advocating for a resident, a facility may choose to heavily medicate a difficult resident.

 

[robnplunder]

After my brother arranged for DM to go to a memory care assisted living, I visited her and was puzzled by a huge decline in a period of months. She could no longer recognize me, could barely walk, started falling, and had become incontinent. My brother later learned that the assisted living facility was giving DM antipsychotics round the clock to keep her less argumentative. After he insisted that she was being over medicated, they decreased the dose frequency and her mentation improved. She was able to converse with me, stopped falling, and she was no longer wetting the bed. I still believe most assisted living facilities try to do the best they can, but apparently if there is no one advocating for a resident, a facility may choose to heavily medicate a difficult resident.

That's so wrong. In my mom's case, we know exactly what medication they are giving to her. It helps that we arrange and take her to every one of her doctor's appointments. DW being a former nurse also helps to ask right questions to DM's doctors. In short, we took over her health matters and it resulted in reducing the number of medication the doctors prescribed.

 

[street]

I wish your mom and you the best and sounds like things are off to best that it could be. I have been in the same situation with both parents and not an easy thing to do, but the best thing to do, for everyone involved. It is so hard to see this happening to the ones we love.

 

[Masquernom]

We went through this with my mother. She wanted to live at home by her self. My sister and I supported her, thinking it best to meet her wishes. We were wrong. We should have moved her to assisted living at least a year earlier. She was mentally and physically going down hill pretty fast living alone. We saw big improvements from the social activities and physical movement in the assisted living facility.

My advice in hindsight would be to not wait too long to go to assisted living. But, that's neither easy to determine the right time, or an easy sell to the relative.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I wouldn’t be too quick to force a move until really necessary because for everyone person that thrives you have someone like my friend that literally died inside.

 

[ncbill]

My good friend got dementia in her 50’s. By 63 her husband died and I had to put her in a home. She always very social so I thought she would thrive. Instead within 2 months she no longer recognized anyone and the doctor said it cannot progress that fast. She barely ate and paced most of the time. We changed her medications etc but nothing helped. Within a year she was in diapers, being fed and non-verbal. Thankfully her cancer came back and killed her.

I experienced much the same with my mom, diagnosed in her early 50's.

I soon had to move her into a locked assisted living facility (ALF) for her own safety (wandering)

When she moved in she was the highest-functioning resident (most were 20-30 years older than her) but within 18 months she had declined to the point the ALF booted her to a nursing home.

Unfortunately she then lived the better part of a decade, bed-bound, hand-fed, etc...requiring total care.

Not surprisingly being bed-bound she developed several infections; the last went septic & killed her.

In hindsight I probably shouldn't have treated those infections so aggressively, since all that did was to force her to live several years longer with a terminal illness.

I'll likely be modifying my healthcare POA to prohibit ALL antibiotics should I be diagnosed with dementia.

 

[braumeister]

A funny story. DM used to tell me (as a joke) that when she dies, I should go through her magazines and books to look for cash.

Must be common with people who grew up in the Depression. When my mom died, we found a couple dozen little stashes of cash scattered around her belongings, in pockets, everywhere. All told, it amounted to close to $1K.

 

[MRG]

Must be common with people who grew up in the Depression. When my mom died, we found a couple dozen little stashes of cash scattered around her belongings, in pockets, everywhere. All told, it amounted to close to $1K.

Yes it is. My BIL had to take walls down. His DF had about 15k hidden behind the drywall.

 

[imoldernu]

Thanks robnplunder, for starting this thread.

It's like... we're there.... @ age 83.

Fortunately, the dementia progression has been relatively slow, but we're handling it as best we can. We watched jeanie's mom die @ 74 and my mom @ 84. Both had Alzheimers. We knew we would be facing the same thing, and tried to prepare as best we knew how. Thankfully moving into our CCRC in 2004, really helped.

We know what to expect, and have some personal insight into what we're facing. In the quiet moments, we plan... as memory and abilities fade.

Everything takes more time, and we make many more mistakes. Posting here is more difficult, takes much longer, and too often what I write doesn't make sense when I read it. A small part of trying to keep what used to be.

We try to keep some measure of social life going, by spending time with other people our age, in different stages of physical and mental ability. A place for everything, and everything in its' place... and even then, what used to take minutes takes much longer.

The changes come faster... Driving, down to very local, during the day, and taking much more concentration. Physical... surprise... picking up more than 25 or 30 pounds is an effort. Eyes get tired easily, and simple things like going for a doctor visit become a dreaded "OMG, not today" kind of chore.

That said, we've tried to plan, as best we can, for the next part of our lives. Fortunately, the worries are less intense, and the days brighter than even a year ago.

We're not looking forward to leaving our home, but realize that moving to the Apartments or Assisted living is probably in the future and (possibly) the nursing home. In any case, we know well, what to expect and it holds no fear.

To all who posted... your experiences mirror what we've seen. Good to have a perspective on the future, and knowing what to plan for.

 

[SumDay]

Moving her to the assisted living place was one of the most stressful thing I had to go through since I retired 3 years ago. The finality of my mom's condition hit me hard. The fact that I have to move her to a place where the main gate is locked from inside hit me harder. But I've come to terms with it. Special thanks to DW whom I could not have done the move without.

Thank you for sharing, and boy do I relate, although I went through this 10 years ago. It was very, very tough to be THE parent. My husband was my rock during the whole thing too. I'm trying to return the favor as his mom continues her slow decline.

I hope your mom continues to thrive and some of the stress is taken off you guys. Getting old is not for sissies, and caring for those that are is even tougher.

 

[FrugalLady]

I know what you mean. Even when things got dire for DM, I had a little doubt if I am moving her prematurely. In my case, I probably waited one or two "situations" too long. She was getting sick often, one ailment after another. Since she moved to the facility, she hasn't complained of any health issues. I think eating regularly, and taking medicine properly helped quite a bit.

I can related. We moved DD to assisted living last year. He had become very isolated and lonely living by himself which caused him to turn to alcohol. This spiraled into him becoming very weak and unsteady on his feet from being sedentary and not eating anything even remotely nutritious. We ordered meals on wheels so at least we new he had one decent meal a day. But we worried about him falling. He wouldn't wear the fall alert device. Things came to a head when we discovered he had stopped talking all his meds including his insulin. An A1C of 12.3 really got our attention. Fortunately DD didn't put up a fight when we told him it wasn't safe for him to live alone any more and that it was time for assisted living.

That was 7 months ago and the physical and mental transformation has been incredible. With a nutritious diet and more mental stimulation his mental acuity is greatly improved and while he still used a cane, his balance and stamina have improved. He is to the point now that he probably could live on his own again, but I know he would just start regressing if he did. While I'm sure he misses his home, I know he enjoys the social interactions and the new friends he has made. And I am much happier knowing that his meds are being properly administered and his blood sugar being monitored. It really has been a weight off of my shoulders. But 7 months ago I really was worried that we had moved him prematurely and that maybe we could have tried to keep him in his home longer. But with hindsight, I know we made the best decision.

 

[Katsmeow]

I'll likely be modifying my healthcare POA to prohibit ALL antibiotics should I be diagnosed with dementia.

A year ago, I might have felt the same way. Now...I am a little more cautious. A family member broke her hip and had surgery. Before and soon after surgery she was a mentally competent 88 year old. A little forgetful, but basically fine living on her own.

Within about 6 weeks after her surgery, she almost quit eating and mentally declined (I saw her a couple of weeks after surgery and she was mentally OK, but being picky at eating). She kept declining mentally. Within about 6 weeks after surgery she was at home with 24/7 caregivers so she wouldn't wander off. She was not eating and seemed to have clear dementia.

This went on for months. Eventually the caregivers got her to eat a little more (she had lost weight to well under 100 pounds -- she is thin anyway but this was really bad). She was eventually admitted to hospice (still at home) due to her failure to thrive and what seemed to be dementia.

Eventually, she was moved to a nursing home (about 5 months after surgery). By then she had gained a few pounds from her low. She was still too thin but was eating a bit better.

Anyway -- long story short -- within a month or so it was clear that her "dementia" was gone. She was basically back to normal.

It seems like that really never was a true dementia (despite doctors thinking that it was). It was delirium perhaps caused by the anesthesia and trauma and then exacerbated by her not eating.

The point is that the only real way anyone could know this wasn't a true dementia was by the fact that she did recover mentally over a period of months. She did have an infection at one point during this and I am sure took an antibiotic. I am glad she did! Today, she once again lives at home alone without dementia.

The point being that there are a lot of causes of what looks like dementia. Sometimes it is something like Alzheimer's and isn't reversible. But, sometimes it can be due to medications, or surgery, or trauma, etc. and is reversible. I would want to make really, really sure it wasn't reversible before deciding not to treat another illness.

 

[GoodWishes]

Thanks to OP and all who shared their experiences. We likely have to do something soon. In laws live out in the country by themselves, both not in good health. There is nothing available without driving some distance. It will be very difficult to figure out what to do and to convince them .

 

[Scuba]

Thanks for this thread. We have been getting phone calls from MIL’a friends who are concerned about her driving, getting lost, inability to manage bills, etc etc. Unfortunately the brother who lives locally says she is fine (but he doesn’t spend much time with her, while her friends do). We live 2,500 miles away so it’s even harder to intervene. She is very independent and really enjoys her life ... hard to say when the time to move has come, and it will be a struggle to convince her.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I M, before assuming you have dementia I would see a doctor to rule out other causes since medications, etc can mimic it. Scuba, I would leave her at home as long as possible. Maybe convincing her not to drive if you think she is unsafe.

 

[robnplunder]

And I am much happier knowing that his meds are being properly administered and his blood sugar being monitored. It really has been a weight off of my shoulders. But 7 months ago I really was worried that we had moved him prematurely and that maybe we could have tried to keep him in his home longer. But with hindsight, I know we made the best decision.

Proper medication administration was the key for my decision to move her. DM is obese, and has diabetes, heart issues, and high blood pressure. The number of medication was big and their interaction/conflict pretty confusing. A few worked against each other - taking one made another ailment worse, e.g.. One has to be taken based on blood pressure check, and another after checking blood sugar level. DM can do neither reliably even if she does not forget to check. All of the issue caused huge health issues for DM. She no longer has that issue with the facility doing all the checking and giving her the only medicine she needs.

 

[Texas Proud]

Thanks for this thread. We have been getting phone calls from MIL’a friends who are concerned about her driving, getting lost, inability to manage bills, etc etc. Unfortunately the brother who lives locally says she is fine (but he doesn’t spend much time with her, while her friends do). We live 2,500 miles away so it’s even harder to intervene. She is very independent and really enjoys her life ... hard to say when the time to move has come, and it will be a struggle to convince her.

There are facilities where she can move and still do most everything she wants... if she has dementia that is different as she can get lost driving.. I was a bit surprised when my mom started talking about getting lost and how she drove around for hours before asking someone..


My mom has declined quickly over the last year so we do not take her out as much, but before that we took her out all the time... she still was living independent but not driving...

 

[robnplunder]

Thanks for this thread. We have been getting phone calls from MIL’a friends who are concerned about her driving, getting lost, inability to manage bills, etc etc. Unfortunately the brother who lives locally says she is fine (but he doesn’t spend much time with her, while her friends do). We live 2,500 miles away so it’s even harder to intervene. She is very independent and really enjoys her life ... hard to say when the time to move has come, and it will be a struggle to convince her.

My sis lives within 10 miles of DM but didn't want to be burdened with the responsibility of moving DM. This may be the case with "the brother" mentioned above. The responsibility and the work of moving a loved one to an assisted living place is hard. It will need a courageous and dedicated person to make it happen.

 

[Scuba]

My sis lives within 10 miles of DM but didn't want to be burdened with the responsibility of moving DM. This may be the case with "the brother" mentioned above. The responsibility and the work of moving a loved one to an assisted living place is hard. It will need a courageous and dedicated person to make it happen.

Yes, I agree that the desire to keep the relationship good as well as avoid the huge effort could be playing a part here. Sounds like you did the right thing in your situation but it sure wasn’t easy.

 

[Scuba]

There are facilities where she can move and still do most everything she wants... if she has dementia that is different as she can get lost driving.. I was a bit surprised when my mom started talking about getting lost and how she drove around for hours before asking someone..


My mom has declined quickly over the last year so we do not take her out as much, but before that we took her out all the time... she still was living independent but not driving...

There is an AL facility in her town that is walking distance from most of her favorite local places. However, she loves driving to neighboring towns for day trips on her own. There are no other viable transportation options in her small town (no Uber or even taxis), although she has friends that will drive her places. I think it will be a huge struggle to get her to give up her car.

 

[Texas Proud]

There is an AL facility in her town that is walking distance from most of her favorite local places. However, she loves driving to neighboring towns for day trips on her own. There are no other viable transportation options in her small town (no Uber or even taxis), although she has friends that will drive her places. I think it will be a huge struggle to get her to give up her car.

Is she having accidents? Or is it just she cannot remember how to get home?


Any decent GPS will have a home button on it and would get her home eventually if she is not to far gone with memory... our problem was DM could not figure out how to even use it..

 

[Scuba]

Is she having accidents? Or is it just she cannot remember how to get home?


Any decent GPS will have a home button on it and would get her home eventually if she is not to far gone with memory... our problem was DM could not figure out how to even use it..

She hasn’t had significant accidents but she did damage her car running over a high curb, and she has backed into parked cars. She drives slowly so we are not as concerned about potential accidents as we are the getting lost part. When she has done this, she can’t find her car. One time a police officer helped her find it. Another time BIL had to drive to the area she had gone to visit and look for it.