For Book: Do You Seem Happier Than You Are

[TromboneAl]

An upcoming book of mine may have the theme that many people are not who they seem to be, and further, that many are less happy than they seem.

It's related to the quote, "“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle,” which is said to come from Ian Maclaren in the 1800s.

To get a feeling for how true that is, please answer the (anonymous) poll.

Thanks.

 

[COcheesehead]

I’d be happier if I could see the poll.

Edit, thank you.

 

[pb4uski]

Are you, or someone you know, significantly less happy than it seems to others?

Since I'm not a mind reader of how others judge me or someone I know, I have no idea.

 

[Jerry1]

I don’t know about “significantly”, but I’m pretty sure I put on a better face than what’s actually going on. I honestly am doing and feeling pretty well, but I hide my off days as I try not to bring others down. Therefore I would conclude that they think me happier than actual. I wouldn’t want it the opposite, that they think me worse off than I actually am.

 

[Gumby]

About 15 years ago, when I was in a big law firm in NYC, I was having a discussion with another lawyer in the firm about something, which led to me saying "Well, I'm always happy." And she said "No, you're always cheerful, but you're not always happy." Even though I forget precisely what we were discussing, that particular exchange has stayed with me.

 

[Aerides]

I think everyone puts on a bit of a face and may appear somewhat happier socially than in private. Those that don't probably have a harder time making friends, or keeping them.

For example, when someone says "hey how are you?" - they don't want a list of your latest gripes and aches and miseries. Not really. "great, you?" or some version of that is the expected reply.

Another part of the equation is the receiving person. With my family I'm going to be far less likely to "fake it" than with a more casual friend.

And then there's the setting. If you're at a dinner or party, or a special occasion - yes fake it for everyone! That's the social contract. It's one thing to share your worries sitting at lunch with a friend, but you don't do that sitting next to your cousin at a wedding.

So, I think everyone puts on a bit of a show, most of the time. But "significantly" hmmm, nah that's less common I'd think.

 

[Red Badger]

I do not trouble others with my demons, hobgoblins, ailments, or infirmities. Of which, I have many. But, I'm still a blessed man loved by God and family.

 

[ERD50]

I think everyone puts on a bit of a face and may appear somewhat happier socially than in private. Those that don't probably have a harder time making friends, or keeping them.

For example, when someone says "hey how are you?" - they don't want a list of your latest gripes and aches and miseries. Not really. "great, you?" or some version of that is the expected reply.

Another part of the equation is the receiving person. With my family I'm going to be far less likely to "fake it" than with a more casual friend.

And then there's the setting. If you're at a dinner or party, or a special occasion - yes fake it for everyone! That's the social contract. It's one thing to share your worries sitting at lunch with a friend, but you don't do that sitting next to your cousin at a wedding.

So, I think everyone puts on a bit of a show, most of the time. But "significantly" hmmm, nah that's less common I'd think.

I'd agree with all that.

For myself, I'm probably far more happy than many might think (though for the casual contact, sure, I'll come across as positive as stated above). I'm skeptical, I'm curious, I don't accept 'conventional wisdom' w/o a fight. I don't suffer fools. Some people take that as grumpy or dissatisfied or even mean. But I enjoy challenging the status quo.

See?:

-ERD50

 

[imoldernu]

I couldn't figure out how to answer the poll, but FWIW, older people in a CCRC, aren't that readable. Most have developed a way of handling their lives, especially the one who have lived there for many years. Casual conversation with those who are alert, are normal. There are those who complain, those who are content with their lives... What I would call normal.

For myself, once we reached a point where we were financially safe, and physically reasonably healthy, any weights from the past disappeared. Unhappy is a relative term... The most usual example of my own unhappiness, is when jeanie leaves her clothes in the dryer when I expected to use it.

That said....

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle,”

... Strikes a chord with my philosophy of life. Much more because of being with older people. I see kindness as a personal obligation, but not necessarily tied in to happiness. I guess, more a matter of respect. And perhaps a better word... 'warmth". Especially important with the very old, and those with memory problems.

I liked this:

This man beside us also has a hard fight with an unfavouring world, with strong temptations, with doubts and fears, with wounds of the past which have skinned over, but which smart when they are touched. It is a fact, however surprising. And when this occurs to us we are moved to deal kindly with him, to bid him be of good cheer, to let him understand that we are also fighting a battle; we are bound not to irritate him, nor press hardly upon him nor help his lower self.

Am beyond the world of here and now, so I'm sure it wasn't like this in earlier times. Looking back, lots of ups and downs I suppose, but now that's all in the past.

Sorry... I'm not much help.

 

[RAE]

Well, remember, Al, you are taking a poll of folks that are either FIRE'd, or on their way toward being FIRE'd - I'd venture to guess that most of us are pretty happy with our situation (at least financially, and probably generally pretty happy about life in general - I know I am). Of course, everyone has their problems/frustrations to deal with......that is to be expected, and new problems crop up all the time for most of us. But that's all part of life......overall, I am very happy and satisfied with my life, and I'm not hiding any deep unhappiness from anyone.

 

[CyclingInvestor]

Well, remember, Al, you are taking a poll of folks that are either FIRE'd, or on their way toward being FIRE'd - I'd venture to guess that most of us are pretty happy with our situation (at least financially, and probably generally pretty happy about life in general - I know I am)..

+1. I am consistently happy, but I have a naturally grumpy face, so I am much happier than most people who see me would think.

 

[Teacher Terry]

How many books are you writing at once?

 

[Amethyst]

I found some of my college papers. At age 19, I had written a list of requirements for myself. One of them was not to talk about my troubles, since nobody could do anything about them anyway. So I keep in mind that even the very young can have their problems. Just because you are only 19 doesn't mean everything is perfect.

 

[donheff]

I used to be that way under the pressures of work. I always made an effort to project a positive, upbeat attitude even when I was under a lot of stress and very unhappy. That served me well throughout my career. Since I reached FI and retired almost 15 years ago, I suspect I am happier than I appear.

 

[latexman]

Isn't one of the premises of religion that we are constantly fighting for a positive outcome on our eternal life.

 

[ckelly78z]

The mindless droning of my Megacorp job, and super busy home life makes for little down time for me !

 

[The Cosmic Avenger]

How many books are you writing at once?

Maybe it's just one book about an unhappy lawyer who stages a murder to look like suicide by shark?

 

[COcheesehead]

As I have grown older, I try to be more honest with myself and others. So I at least try to present the real me. I am generally positive and when I am not happy people know it. So I is, what I is. No hiding behind a false facade.

 

[candrew]

How many books are you writing at once?

 

[COcheesehead]

Maybe it's just one book about an unhappy lawyer who stages a murder to look like suicide by shark?

Who bought an Apple product they hate.

 

[Mdlerth]

In vino veritas

I think everyone puts on a bit of a face and may appear somewhat happier socially than in private... For example, when someone says "hey how are you?" - they don't want a list of your latest gripes and aches and miseries. Not really. "great, you?" or some version of that is the expected reply.

Exception to the rule here. When anyone asks me how I'm doing, I launch into a recitation of exaggerated, age-related complaints: "I'm so old, my back aches and my feet hurt and my neck is sore..." etc. I make sure to deliver the line in a suitably whiny tone, accompanied by a grunt or sigh.

It's my shtick, like Jack Benny's eternal 39 years old, or Steve Martin's "Excuuuuse me!"

Obviously, there is an expectation of the standard response, which is some version of "Swell. How about you?". But there's also no value exchanged in that verbal head-nod. Two seconds later, both parties have already forgotten it.

Instead, I try to use those casual greetings as opportunities to bestow a morsel of humor. Exaggeration ensures nobody will take it seriously, so it will have the intended effect of continuing a running gag. It costs nothing, and the recipient will remember it for more than just a few seconds.

***​

In answer to OP's question, I know plenty of people who put on a brave face in public to mask their quiet misery. Get a couple of drinks into someone and you'll find out what's really going on inside his head.

 

[TromboneAl]

Well, remember, Al, you are taking a poll of folks that are either FIRE'd, or on their way toward being FIRE'd - I'd venture to guess that most of us are pretty happy with our situation (at least financially, and probably generally pretty happy about life in general - I know I am).

I've been interested in happiness for a while, and my research suggests that happiness isn't as dependent on one's situation as much as you'd think. That is, lottery winners aren't happier than paraplegics. IOW, it depends more on your general capacity for happiness rather than situation. I touched on this in one of my (free) books.

... your worry level is tied not to your circumstances, but to changes in your circumstances.
For example, your worry level is chugging along at the level that’s normal for you, say a 5 on a scale from 1 to 10. You find that your wife has a brain tumor and it shoots up to 10/10. But after a while, even though your wife still has the tumor, it settles down to a 5/10 again. In other words, you adapt to your new circumstances—your new normal. Then they operate successfully, and your worry level goes down to 1/10 (Yay!). But after a while, it will drift back up to 5/10.

Patrick McManus, author of such highbrow books as The Night the Bear Ate Goombaw, put it this way: You always keep your worry box full. If something really bad happens, you empty out the small things, and put that big thing in it. If that big thing gets resolved, you dump it out, and fill up the box again with smaller worries.

You generally have a set worry level (or a set happiness level), and when things happen, that level will change for a while, but generally return to
its regular set point. This is a valuable life lesson; it’s good to know that when something bad happens, you will probably regain your former contentedness level, even if things don’t improve.

The only problem I have with this idea is that, if true, there’s no point in trying to better your situation. You may as well just get a bottle of vodka and hang out in the gutter, because your level of happiness/worry is going to be the same no matter what you do. Someday I will have to test that out.​

Also, I did a poll here asking about average happiness level. IIRC, the average level reported was 6/10.

 

[TromboneAl]

How many books are you writing at once?

Unfortunately, two to three at once. I do it that way because once written, it takes a few months to get the book published. That is, I send it to beta readers and then to my editor, who is booked out a few months in advance.

For example, I published one a few days ago, I've got another being test-read by beta readers, and I'm plotting a third (the one related to this thread—scheduled for editor in January 2020).

It gets confusing. The other day I almost uploaded the wrong cover for an upcoming audiobook.

Sometimes it's a little too much like work!

 

[Rianne]

Your poll is way too general and simplistic.

In the past, I've made myself miserable worrying about the future, anxious about the past. Growing older, I've learned neither is worth the energy and stress I've placed on myself. So, happiness is living in the moment with the understanding it all could change in a second. Happiness is the state of mind in that moment.

For example, I'm sitting here happily entering my $.02. The phone rings and something unthinkable and devastating just happened. So happiness goes to shock, fear, panic, tears, loss of control. Over time it gets worse or better depending on the circumstance. And it depends on the severity of the information I received. Could be:
-China just attacked California and Russia just attacked DC and the sky is falling.
-Or my dog just got hit by a car and is barely alive.
Both might get the same reaction, initially. But my dog might be fine after ER visit and some stitches, back to happiness and very grateful.
Or we're headed to WWIII and life changes forever, for the worse. At that point, happiness is determined moment by moment.

 

[Mdlerth]

W = kC * dC/dt

...your worry level is tied not to your circumstances, but to changes in your circumstances

I'd expect it to be a function of both. When I was early in my career and struggling to provide for a wife and children, I worried a lot even though promotions, i.e. improvements in circumstance, came much quicker than they do today.

Now that I'm in late career, with finances more secure but unlikely to improve much further, I worry a lot less.