Sensing resentment from working people, how to respond?

[leftbucket]

Thank you!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-war-within/201711/should-you-say-thank-you-your-service

Well, it's official (as official as Psych. Today can be, anyway)...you should say "Thank you for your service." or something similar.

If they are wearing the hat, I will seek them out to thank them.
I have taught my kids to do the same. They usually spot the hat before I do now. If the spouse is there, I thank them too.

So, to the OP, thanks to both you and your wife.

All the best,
LB

 

[Amethyst]

Having spent my career working with those in uniform, I know exactly what you are saying about a few being kind of a waste...fortunately it was quite a small %age that I observed. And they may have been more effective in other settings.

Nor did we go around thanking each other for our service. There were too many permutations (civilians who saw peril on the job, civilians who'd been in the military) to keep track of.

But as far as strangers, look at it this way. It's polite to thank anybody who's helped you, at the time they are doing it. I thanked my doctor yesterday because he explained a worrisome issue I'm dealing with. I thank people who fix things on the house, if they did a good job. I thank people who give me directions...but most civilians are not present when the military members are doing their jobs.

So it's a thanks of opportunity. And you don't have to do it.

It’s weird and awkward when the thankee doesn’t know the thanked. The soldier could’ve been a complete waste of oxygen and chow .

 

[marko]

For the life of me I can't imagine anyone asking that question. Of course around my neck of the woods there's a lot of super wealthy who've never had real jobs so a 'retired' 40 or 50 year old is hardly unusual.

Here's a twist: We do have a woman from a very wealthy family who's a school nurse. There is a lot of resentment toward her with people asking "Why is she working? She's taking the slot of someone who could really need that job!!"

 

[RxMan]

I’ve often wondered what I will say in response to inquiries about early retirement when my time comes. I still have years to think about my response.

I had a dream about retirement and my current manager asked me why I was leaving now. My response was “We only have a limited time on this earth and everyone reaches a point in their lives where time becomes more valuable than money and I’ve reached that point.” I thought that sounded pretty good but when my time really arrives I’ll probably just say something simple like “it’s just my time.” Lucky for me I still have years to figure out how to handle these situations because I’m not able to retire just yet.

 

[JustCurious]

I never served in the military. But I’m honestly grateful and admire those that have. It is awkward to say ‘Thanks for your service’. But mostly cause of reading comments from vets where they think it’s cheesy or disingenuous. But what else can be said in most situations?

 

[Music Lover]

You could just say "personal reasons", with a bit of mystery and furtiveness in the voice, perhaps a raise of the eyebrows and a sideways glance. They'll think they know, but later they'll realize it could be any numbers of reasons and they have no idea, and they won't be getting any more information. And it's totally true--we have have our own reasons for no longer working.

I would just smile and say "Because I don't have to" or "Because I don't want to."

 

[GalaxyBoy]

I ER’d at 57 but still get the “too young” response. I’m learning to keep my head down and not bring it up, which can be hard when you’re sitting in a bar at 2:00 on a Tuesday

But I don’t lie or totally avoid answering; I just don’t flout it. And I don’t feel guilty or let it bother me. That’s their problem if there is one.

 

[BoodaGazelle]

How to answer

Excellent answer! Wouldn't it be nice if we all just assumed positive intent?

DW taught me a very good rule to live by: If it’s not meant personally, don’t take it personally.

 

[marko]

What ever happened to "None of your damn business!"?

Put more nicely: "Oh, I had my reasons" and leave it at that. Only a boor would push beyond that, but you'd have to be a boor to ask in the first place, I suppose.

 

[MichaelB]

When I was recently retired I got this type of question a lot, even from family members, and it became quite irritating. I came to understand that the motive was not important. It could be resentment, envy, curiosity, small talk, or even social awkwardness, but in any case, it was only appropriate if I invited the discussion, which I have never done. After a series of different polite responses, I settled on “personal reasons”. Very few people pursue the topic after that.

 

[Rianne]

We've bumbled answers. It came across as, "I'm sorry your still working, we're not." We ended up apologizing for their situation. So silly. My thoughts would go in the direction..."too bad you don't know how to save" "learn how to be frugal." I can't feel guilty because we're thrilled we're FIRE. And I can't explain why we're not working and they are. It's really hard when family members complain they "have to" work. But they, while in debt, took the 3 week Alaskan cruise with balcony rooms overlooking ocean with multiple excursions. And bought a house way out of their price range, on and on. I end up with a blank stare on my face, seriously? You want to know how we retired?

 

[cooch96]

It's polite to thank anybody who's helped you, at the time they are doing it...but most civilians are not present when the military members are doing their jobs.

So it's a thanks of opportunity. And you don't have to do it.

That’s a good explanation, except I’m not sure what you meant in the last sentence. I didn’t have to volunteer or folks don’t have to thank me? Both are true, of course.

And it’s not always awkward. If the person asks just a simple question or two (how long were you in? Were you ever in theater?), then here’s a bit of time to make a connection. They can make a reasonably informed and honest thank you.

Overall, it’s not a big deal to me. My history doesn’t come up with strangers everyday or anything.


But to get back to the OPs question, I plan on claiming my profession is consulting. I’ll do that until I look old enough to be retired.

 

[bolt]

Answer:

I made some money in international currency crisis between 93-98" iirc.
Mexican currency crisis around 93 and the SE Asian currency crisis @97 iirc.
How about you?
-It always shuts'em up IME-

This is similar to another poster above suggesting they were a portfolio mgr. for a while, leaving out it was their own portfolio. That was a good one, as well as a MODs for "personal reasons" sounds less snarky, as some would say-

You must recognize anytime someone asks you what you do its a multi-multi-facetet inquiry. One & two being what kind of assets and education do you have? To me that's nosey.

 

[samclem]

But to get back to the OPs question, I plan on claiming my profession is consulting. I’ll do that until I look old enough to be retired.

When the first brush-off doesn't work, I've had fun with nosy new acquaintances I'll never see again. "Oh, I work in supply for the Army. I track the DD-947s to assure they match the estimates on the Army Form 22-09s. You know how folks can be about estimates. Anyway, last week . . ." Fabricate a long, intricate, totally BS set of duties, co-workers, challenges, etc.

Okay, you wanted information, now you've got a pile of it. You are welcome.

I haven't been caught by anyone who actually >knew< something about the line of work cited--that will be awkward.

 

[pacergal]

People are actually asking your wife why she is not still working? that's quite rude!

I would probably reply with either "because I choose not too" or "I am wondering why you are asking me such a personal question??"

 

[joeea]

Hi there,

So DW retired at 45 from being a nurse. She often gets the question, "Why aren't you still working as a nurse?" and it's quite annoying to her. I know there isn't much to be done about it.

For any others out there that get comments like this, especially if you worked in a medical field, or teaching, or similar professional service type field... how do you react?

When I first gave my notice, folks would come up to me and ask why I was retiring. I always casually said "Because it's time."

That was clearly unsatisfying to most. They wouldn't believe that I actually retired and just assumed I was going to another company.

I let them believe whatever they chose to believe.

 

[Midpack]

Some people will be jealous, some will be happy for early retirees, or somewhere in between. Most of those people aren't important, they won't be among the 8 people at your death bed.

Some people ask because they're jealous, but some are simply making conversation after being caught off guard faced with an early retiree. Most people don't expect or understand how a few people retire early, so they don't know what to say or think in the moment.

I never let it bother me in the slightest - admittedly that's a conscious learned trait. I'm 65 now so it doesn't happen any more, but when I retired at 57 and people asked me pointed questions about how I did it, I always gave a light-hearted joke answer that always lightened the mood and got them off the topic. Something like "I thought I'd better retire before my boss caught on to me," "my wife wanted a personal chef & shopper, that's more demanding than my career was" or something very deliberately off the wall. If they asked another pointed question, I'd give them an even more off the wall more obvious non-answer, and we'd laugh it off and move on. Worked every time if you need a trick way out.

I realized many times they were just making conversation and they were caught off guard by my early retirement age, often they weren't asking from bad intent.

And I never sought to rub anyones face in my good fortune/good planning/early retirement - so I always added there were advantages and disadvantages to work and retirement - and IMO there certainly are. Why not make them feel good about still being in the workforce (whether you believe it or not)? I'd even tell them they'd miss their job once they gave it up, also true to some extent for many. I didn't miss my job, or some of the corporate jerks, but I certainly missed the daily personal interaction with many of my co-workers.

Not to be callous, but if what others (outside family & close friends) think of you "annoys" you - that's on you, not them. Once they walk away, they won't give it another thought, why let that annoy you? It's your life, live it as you choose.

 

[Timeisprecious]

Thank you, Gumby

As I recall, no one ever thanked me for my service while I was actually doing it. If anything, they either actively loathed me or pitied me for not being able to get a real job. (I joined the USN in 1977, upon high school graduation.)

Well, Gumby, then let me thank you now. I appreciate everything that you and all our Warfighters have done to keep our country free. And as an active duty military officer (retiring in 2.5 months), I HAVE been thanked many times for my service by others when I'm off base in my uniform (grocery shopping after work, etc.). I always appreciate it, but I feel undeserving when I think of the many Warfighters who deployed all over the world to fight our nation's wars - many of whom were injured or paid the ultimate price while doing so.

 

[kimcdougc]

I find it bothersome that some that served think when someone says "thanks for your service" they think it is not genuine. I am a wife, daughter, sister, and mother of veterans in my immediate family. Not once have I heard any of them say didn't appreciate the "thanks for your service." I tend to think people are genuine when they say that. Otherwise, why would they go out of their way to say it to a vet?

I am one of those people who says thanks for your service to any vet I see. My brother was a Vietnam vet. He served in Vietnam twice. Volunteered for Vietnam. He was seriously thankful for any thanks he got for serving after the way they were treated when they came home.

Just my opinion. To each his own. I guess I tend to look at the cup as half full rather then half empty meaning I think there are more good people in the world than bad.

 

[JDARNELL]

When I first retired it bothered me that people would say thank you for your service. I believe when they first started doing this is was because the nation felt guilty about how they did the Vietnam Vets. And I am convinced we get the care today because the previous generations didn’t. These guys paved the way. It took several years for me to be more ok with it. I guess it’s a way for people to acknowledge military service. But I still don’t care to much for
It. No need to thank me. For the most part I can tell when people are sincere or just going to the motion.

 

[Gumby]

Well, Gumby, then let me thank you now. I appreciate everything that you and all our Warfighters have done to keep our country free. And as an active duty military officer (retiring in 2.5 months), I HAVE been thanked many times for my service by others when I'm off base in my uniform (grocery shopping after work, etc.). I always appreciate it, but I feel undeserving when I think of the many Warfighters who deployed all over the world to fight our nation's wars - many of whom were injured or paid the ultimate price while doing so.

Thank you for that. Mostly, it was just the times we lived in back then. At least during my lifetime, it seems that the 1970's were about the worst period to be in the military. The protests against the Vietnam War may have started in the late 60's, but things really ramped up after the invasion of Cambodia in May 1970. People were angry about the war, angry about the draft, angry at the military, angry at the president, seemingly angry about everything. And that anger did not necessarily stop when the war ended in 1975.

I can recall people throwing trash at me and my Navy friends, pouring beer on us and cursing us out for the sin of simply being in uniform, well into 1980. (I'm sure it was much worse in the first half of the 1970s, but it was bad enough in the late 1970s) I wanted to ask them if they realized that the war was long over and that we had nothing to do with it, but it was pointless. So we tried to avoid wearing our uniforms as much as possible and grew our hair as long as we could get away with. In fact, I recall that, still into the early 80s, certain commands had restrictions on stopping anywhere between the base and your home if you were in uniform, so that they could avoid trouble.

Plus, the economy really sucked in the 70s. Inflation and unemployment were both high at the same time, and stock market returns were low. (remember the "misery index?"). By the time I joined the Navy in 1977, the belief was widespread that if you voluntarily joined the military (the draft had ended in 1973), you were either some kind of sociopath or a desperate loser with no future.

Add to that the fact that the military was itself "broken" by Vietnam. The equipment was dangerously worn out and/or in short supply, morale was at rock bottom, drug abuse was high and there was a profound sense of alienation from the civilian population. We certainly knew the country -- or at least the Baby Boomer cohort of which I was a part -- hated us. Sometimes, older veterans would offer us a quiet word of support, and that was quite meaningful, but day to day, things were grim.

I'm glad that you and the other younger active duty people and recent veterans are getting the recognition that you deserve and glad that the rift between the military and the civilian population seems to have been healed. I hope that division never occurs again. As for me, the Navy was good to me. It gave me the education and the discipline to make something of my life. (I really was one of those without other options). I got to do incredibly fun things and meet some great shipmates. And I got paid. So, I'd say no thanks are necessary for me. But I don't mind if people do thank me, and I try always to be gracious when that happens.

Good luck with your upcoming transition.

 

[Amethyst]

I don't recall "sociopath" at all, but joining the enlisted ranks was certainly seen as a way out of depressed flyover regions and the deep South. Also, as a way to get to college.

In fact, joining the DoD was my first real exposure to midwesterners - military and civilian. They all bitterly criticized the D.C. area, but none of them had been able to find work back in the supposedly Much Nicer Places from whence they'd come. And I, of course, had fled the employment nightmare that was south Florida at the end of the 70's.

Plus, the economy really sucked in the 70s. Inflation and unemployment were both high at the same time, and stock market returns were low. (remember the "misery index?"). By the time I joined the Navy in 1977, the belief was widespread that if you voluntarily joined the military (the draft had ended in 1973), you were either some kind of sociopath or a desperate loser with no future.
.

 

[swakyaby]

Maybe I wasn't descriptive enough in the OP, but this is the sentiment that is most annoying... (as DW just emphatically exclaimed)







When is it ok for the doctor / nurse / etc. to be done? Do they have to work until they can't anymore (because the need will never go away.)?

I don’t think it was intended as a back-handed criticism, more like praise for that individual’s efforts. On the other hand, I have occasionally read responses to blogs about early retirement where the poster openly criticized physicians who early retired, saying it was a waste of limited medical school space to graduate an individual who was only going to retire in 10, 15, or even 20 years, citing a shortage of physicians. And that if they are going to early retire, then they should pay it back to society, on moral grounds, to volunteer their services. Yes, annoying. It sounds like nurses who early retire get that response too?

 

[Midpack]

Thank you for that. Mostly, it was just the times we lived in back then. At least during my lifetime, it seems that the 1970's were about the worst period to be in the military. The protests against the Vietnam War may have started in the late 60's, but things really ramped up after the invasion of Cambodia in May 1970. People were angry about the war, angry about the draft, angry at the military, angry at the president, seemingly angry about everything. And that anger did not necessarily stop when the war ended in 1975.

I can recall people throwing trash at me and my Navy friends, pouring beer on us and cursing us out for the sin of simply being in uniform, well into 1980. (I'm sure it was much worse in the first half of the 1970s, but it was bad enough in the late 1970s) I wanted to ask them if they realized that the war was long over and that we had nothing to do with it, but it was pointless. So we tried to avoid wearing our uniforms as much as possible and grew our hair as long as we could get away with. In fact, I recall that, still into the early 80s, certain commands had restrictions on stopping anywhere between the base and your home if you were in uniform, so that they could avoid trouble.

Plus, the economy really sucked in the 70s. Inflation and unemployment were both high at the same time, and stock market returns were low. (remember the "misery index?"). By the time I joined the Navy in 1977, the belief was widespread that if you voluntarily joined the military (the draft had ended in 1973), you were either some kind of sociopath or a desperate loser with no future.

Add to that the fact that the military was itself "broken" by Vietnam. The equipment was dangerously worn out and/or in short supply, morale was at rock bottom, drug abuse was high and there was a profound sense of alienation from the civilian population. We certainly knew the country -- or at least the Baby Boomer cohort of which I was a part -- hated us. Sometimes, older veterans would offer us a quiet word of support, and that was quite meaningful, but day to day, things were grim.

I'm glad that you and the other younger active duty people and recent veterans are getting the recognition that you deserve and glad that the rift between the military and the civilian population seems to have been healed. I hope that division never occurs again. As for me, the Navy was good to me. It gave me the education and the discipline to make something of my life. (I really was one of those without other options). I got to do incredibly fun things and meet some great shipmates. And I got paid. So, I'd say no thanks are necessary for me. But I don't mind if people do thank me, and I try always to be gracious when that happens.

Good luck with your upcoming transition.

My Dad was an Army "lifer." My then 19 year 10 month old Dad and all his friends, went to join the Army days after Pearl Harbor. My Dad was pre-med at the time, and they told him to finish Med school, so he joined then though WWII was over. He was thrilled and proud to be in the Army, he was excited about serving and traveling and seeing the world, couldn't have cared less about the money he could have made in private practice. He later served in a MASH unit in Korea, lost over 30 lbs while there.

Dad was horrified at how the country reacted to Vietnam, and especially how returning vets were treated - as if they had anything to do with the conduct of the war. Dad continued to serve in US Army Medical Corp, but he never got over how vets badly were treated, and how they were forced to hide their service where it has always been a source of pride before.

Then later when they forced my Dad to retire at 60, when he wanted to continue service, what was once a proud career went out with a sad end. He wasn't bitter but my Mom later told us on his first day of retirement, he threw away all his uniforms and associated gear, and his medals were all buried in a closet - we only discovered them when he passed away 36 years later. When Mom asked him why he threw everything away, he said "it's not the Army I joined..."

So sincere thanks for your service.

As far as I'm concerned it's a disgrace how so many of my misguided but vocal generation treated returning Vietnam veterans for many years thereafter, and I watched what it did to my Dad first hand.

 

[Amethyst]

In cases like these, I remind myself that on the Internet, some people have no compunctions about letting their small-minded sanctimoniousness run free. Back in the day, they would have been forced to vent their ridiculous spleen in their own house, but now....

he poster openly criticized physicians who early retired, saying it was a waste of limited medical school space to graduate an individual who was only going to retire in 10, 15, or even 20 years, citing a shortage of physicians. And that if they are going to early retire, then they should pay it back to society, on moral grounds, to volunteer their services. Yes, annoying. It sounds like nurses who early retire get that response too?