Grey Divorce

[ER Eddie]

Terry, Best wishes with all you are going through.

But I have to address the claim above. It just isn't accurate.

The U.S. Divorce Rate Has Hit a 50-Year Low.

To be fair, you left out the sentence that followed, which was, "Legal Templates and National Law Review both say divorce template sales are up 34% in 2020 from previous years."

So when he talks about rising divorce rates, he's referring to the recent increase in 2020, secondary to the bug/lockdown, not to increases prior to that (you're referencing 2019). I don't know if his reference is accurate, but I've heard similar things before, so it could be. 2020 was a tough year for a lot of people, so a spike in divorce rates wouldn't surprise me.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Terry, my thoughts go out to you. I hope you weather this storm without getting to banged up. Even the "easiest" divorces are painful and can be detrimental for a decent amount of time...but in your case, most likely the best choice.

As an aside, I saw you mentioned that a paralegal drafted your pre-nup. Is your husband privy to you being on this forum? If so, it *might* be wise to delete this thread and make no reference until it's all said and done...but this is NOT legal advice.

 

[ivinsfan]

Don't know where they get their stats but I found this on a lawfirms website:

"The idea half of marriages end in divorce was vaunted in the 1980s but research shows a decline in the rate of divorce in the ensuing decades. Not including those who get legally separated, the statistical breakdown is thus:

First Marriages: 42-45 percent will terminate with a divorce as the result.
Second Marriages: 60 percent will terminate with a divorce as the result.
Third Marriages: 73 percent will terminate with a divorce as the result.
Another way of viewing these statistics is:

22 percent of women have been divorced at least once.
21 percent of men have been divorced at least once.
11 percent of women are divorced at the present time.
9 percent of men are divorced at the present time.
The age breakdown of those obtaining a divorce looks thus:

Under 20: Women 27.6%, Men 11.7%
20 – 24: Women 36.6%, Men 38.8%
25 – 29: Women 16.4%, Men 22.3%
30 – 34: Women 8.5%, Men 11.6%
35 – 39: Women 5.1%, Men 6.5%"

https://canterburylawgroup.com/divorce-statistics-rates/

I was afraid this would happen, this marriage ended in divorce and TT could use some positive feedback and support. Would it be alright if you just saved this for another more suitable time. You could start your very own thread about it, if you want to. We're not talking stats here we are taking TT...

 

[ivinsfan]

Terry, Best wishes with all you are going through.

But I have to address the claim above. It just isn't accurate.

The U.S. Divorce Rate Has Hit a 50-Year Low.

Harley when you quote these guys (and it's always guys), you open up a Pandora's box..

 

[Teacher Terry]

Flyboy, the prenup was done by a lawyer before marriage to protect the 60k equity I had in my condo which we used to buy a house. Our divorce paperwork was filed jointly Thursday and just needs to be signed by a judge. We didn’t get lawyers because we basically have the house, savings and some investments. I got my60k off the top and we split everything equitably. We divided the furniture and each kept our own car. We are both staying in the house while he buys it and I buy a condo. This means we are not wasting money on a rental. Surprisingly we are being nice to each other and we each have our own offices and 2 places to watch tv so we are fine.

The first time I knew he cheated was 10 years ago and as a condition of staying the house is in my name only. So I hold the cards and don’t have to share the money but I am. I also have it in the paperwork that if he doesn’t have a mortgage in 60 days from when we signed I will put it on the market. He knows I can throw him out of the house so being very nice. Frankly all that he has done has killed my love and I was much more in love with him than my other 2 husbands. I think he counted on that and felt secure to do whatever he wanted. My husband has no clue what forums I am on.

 

[ER Eddie]

Sounds good, Terry. You're in the driver's seat, and things are going as smoothly as can be expected under the circumstances. Sorry that he "killed your love," but at least this gives you the chance to invest your heart stocks in something with a better ROI.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

Flyboy, the prenup was done by a lawyer before marriage to protect the 60k equity I had in my condo which we used to buy a house. Our divorce paperwork was filed jointly Thursday and just needs to be signed by a judge. We didn’t get lawyers because we basically have the house, savings and some investments. I got my60k off the top and we split everything equitably. We divided the furniture and each kept our own car. We are both staying in the house while he buys it and I buy a condo. This means we are not wasting money on a rental. Surprisingly we are being nice to each other and we each have our own offices and 2 places to watch tv so we are fine.

The first time I knew he cheated was 10 years ago and as a condition of staying the house is in my name only. So I hold the cards and don’t have to share the money but I am. I also have it in the paperwork that if he doesn’t have a mortgage in 60 days from when we signed I will put it on the market. He knows I can throw him out of the house so being very nice. Frankly all that he has done has killed my love and I was much more in love with him than my other 2 husbands. I think he counted on that and felt secure to do whatever he wanted. My husband has no clue what forums I am on.

Ah, gotcha...I missed that part. Divorce really doesn't have to be too complicated and it looks like you have done well to keep it simple. Yes, lawyers tend to make it much, MUCH more complicated. When I divorced many years ago, we came up with our own settlement plan and filed...it was finalized the next day and we moved on with our lives. It was painful, but it was the right decision, as it sounds like it's the right decision for you as well.

 

[Teacher Terry]

The paralegal was his mom’s best friend who doesn’t like my husband. She did it for 250 instead of 550. She likes me). It seemed pointless to hire lawyers.

 

[ivinsfan]

TT have you started thinking about your condo purchase? Although things are fine who knows how long that will continue.

Any idea what area and if you can afford the place you want?

 

[Chuckanut]

The paralegal was his mom’s best friend who doesn’t like my husband. She did it for 250 instead of 550. She likes me). It seemed pointless to hire lawyers.

You both are wise to have done it yourselves.

Both parties are better off if they can avoid the black-robes of the justice system. My ex and I both agreed that getting into legal battles would simply drain over 20 years of combined assets into the pockets of the lawyers. Whatever inequality might exist in our final settlement would be peanuts compared to legal fees.

 

[tulak]

You both are wise to have done it yourselves.

Both parties are better off if they can avoid the black-robes of the justice system. My ex and I both agreed that getting into legal battles would simply drain over 20 years of combined assets into the pockets of the lawyers. Whatever inequality might exist in our final settlement would be peanuts compared to legal fees.

This is how my 20 year marriage ended too. I like to say we got a quickie divorce. We filed in the one county where you don’t have to physically go to court. We both agreed on everything and in the end, were able to save on legal fees. This isn’t always possible and with an unreasonable ex, probably not the best approach. But if you can make it work, it’s a great way to go.

TT, it’s good to hear that you’re able to take care of this yourselves. I hope that everything goes smoothly and wish you all the best.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

You both are wise to have done it yourselves.

Both parties are better off if they can avoid the black-robes of the justice system. My ex and I both agreed that getting into legal battles would simply drain over 20 years of combined assets into the pockets of the lawyers. Whatever inequality might exist in our final settlement would be peanuts compared to legal fees.

The family law attorneys I know in Socal make $400 an hour. X 2 since both parties have one. I spoke to a woman getting divorced this past Friday. She filed in 2011. Divorce is "nearly complete". For 9 years the lawyers have been raking it in, making it unnecessarily complicated as someone mentioned above.

Just giving an example of "Peanuts compared to the legal fee's."

 

[FIREd]

TT, avoiding the courts was an excellent idea. We used a mediator when I divorced from my ex-wife. We agreed on the division of assets prior to meeting with the mediator so we met with him only once. We presented our plan to the mediator and he found it sensible. So he started drawing the paperwork right away. He told us to go get a coffee and come back in two hours. By then the agreement was ready to be signed. Two days later it was filed at the courthouse. A month later a judge finalized the divorce and we received the decree by mail. Done. On the legal front, the divorce cost us about $500 including filing fees.

This quick divorce avoided a lot of drama and bitterness and allowed both of us to move on quickly.

 

[NoiseBoy]

Hi TT,
I'm very sorry to read about your marriage issues and divorce, but when life serves us lemons.....

Regarding your new condo, have you thought about moving to an over 55 community? As a newly single person that might help you with access to group activities as well as the other social features of those kinds of places. Just wanted to throw that out there.

 

[Bigdawg]

So
P.S. I don't really believe in "sex addiction." That implies the person lacks any ability to control himself, and I just don't go for that, never have. Not for men or women.

^this X10. I'm sure there are a few people walking around the planet who actually have a sex addiction of some sort. The vast majority who claim to have one are full of $#!T. Just deflecting from being a slime ball.

 

[mistermike40]

TT - I just saw this thread, I'm very sorry you're going through this. You sound like a giving person, but right now you need to take a lot of time to focus on you, to sort out what you want to do. Divorce at any age is difficult (I've never gone through it but my parents divorced when I was young, then two of my three siblings went through difficult divorces - I've seen it up close). It sounds like things are moving quickly... soon he will be in your rearview mirror It's his loss and I'm sure he already regrets his actions.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I live in a expensive town and can’t afford to live in a 55+ community. My husband’s closing is going to take 60 days because they offer the best rates and are slammed. I am looking at returning to one of 2 complexes that I lived in when I first moved here. I am getting the MLS listing but can’t make a offer until he is further down the process. In such a hot market a seller isn’t going to wait 60 days to close.

 

[Katsmeow]

Sorry to hear about this. However, I really admire how you have handled this and your attitude about it. Yes, take care of you now.

 

[Amethyst]

Have always admired how TT handles things.

Sorry to hear about this. However, I really admire how you have handled this and your attitude about it. Yes, take care of you now.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Wow guys you are awesome and supportive. I really appreciate it!

 

[Niuatoputapu]

Teacher Terry, just saw this thread. Condolences to you. Hang in there, sounds as if you have the situation under control.

 

[deserat]

So sorry to hear this - I also went through a 'grey divorce' three years ago (around the same time as FIREd). For me the two things that have been difficult from a personal standpoint are being able to trust someone again and being able to trust my own judgment. It takes time.

My ex went from zero to several seven figures in the 13 years we were married. Therefore, the division of assets was a bit cantankerous, but we were able to use a mediator; three sessions, $3000, divorce done and dusted in 60 days after final agreement. It was not my choice to get divorced, but he was adamant. In the end you can't force someone to stay the course.

What I have found is I like being alone - I am not lonely. I like my life and if there is someone who can join me, then fine. If not, then fine, too.

I would agree that it is better to be alone with integrity than with someone who is untrustworthy. I also understand the love part. I did not realize how much I had so deeply emotionally bonded with him until he asked for the divorce (and was already planning a life with someone else).

Best of luck to you - you do seem to know what you want and will most probably do just fine.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Deseret, I am sorry but glad you came out of it strong. The judge would have signed ours today after only 3 days but the paralegal forgot to include the page with our SS numbers. She will submit that tomorrow. I can’t believe how fast it was.

 

[Dtail]

Great to hear. You have solid community support on this forum and we are all rooting for you.

 

[Vacation4us]

Deseret, I am sorry but glad you came out of it strong. The judge would have signed ours today after only 3 days but the paralegal forgot to include the page with our SS numbers. She will submit that tomorrow. I can’t believe how fast it was.

Wow that really is quick.

Hope your future is all you envision.

Best wishes!