I think I may need therapy
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frayne
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Do what your head tells you to do and seeing a professional is probably a good idea. I will say the most important things for most individuals lives are; good quality sleep, healthy diet, exercise and structure to one's life. I've been retired going on eighteen years and getting in a rut now and then and feeling down is normal to some extent but in the overall scheme of things, only you can make the changes for the better. Good luck and as you can see there are many at this forum who never lack for advice and most of the time, it's pretty good.
target2019
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
To me it sounds like your coping mechanisms have fallen off since they don't require the same level of use as during work years, for example. Those pathways grew weaker. So you don't have the same satisfactory output as before.
It's interesting to come across your thread early in the morning. It jarred a dream memory I have from last night. In the dream I discovered that ADD was my life's problem. Then I was painting eyes on a complicated portrait. The act of dipping a brush in paint and applying it to a canvas was all there was. Didn't upset me at all.
Drawing upon that dream, I know that carrying out repetitive research tasks (genealogy) or reading about the history of countries I've visited fills in a lot of hours each day. In some ways what I do know builds upon the skills and interests I possess.
List the things you like to do, and find new ways to expand the experience?
It’s now called Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I have family members with this disorder (formerly high functioning Autism). I thought the same thing when I saw his description of himself. Interestingly, depression and anxiety are nearly always present in someone with ASD.
COcheesehead
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Tenant: This is a great site for ideas, commiseration, general help, and even some "venting." Based on the many replies and your subsequent comments, it seems pretty darned clear to me that your initial question has been answered.
Yes, you should seek some therapy. If you find the initial encounters aren't helping, you can always stop. But frankly, NOT getting some therapy may guarantee that you will not get out of your funk.
Yes, you should seek some therapy. If you find the initial encounters aren't helping, you can always stop. But frankly, NOT getting some therapy may guarantee that you will not get out of your funk.
tenant13
Full time employment: Posting here.
It’s not that I “always” knew I wasn’t quite like some of my friends but I realized early enough to work with it. And it’s been totally fine, for myself and people around me. Nobody knows - because nobody is ever close or long enough around me to know. They all think I’m a well adjusted, funny, happily retired world explorer who “made it”. I also lucked out in the gene department plus I’ve been exercising for years so I’ve been told I look way younger than my current 59. Thank you, I suppose?
If anything, I seem like a role model. And for the most part I consider myself super lucky.
I also always believed that there’s no such thing as a “bad” experience. You need downs to appreciate ups and I take those any day over never being born. Life is the biggest lottery win we could get. So as you see there’s a lot optimism and positive thinking here - I’m not generally a whiner (well, there’s this thread… lol)
But I have never before experienced prolonged periods of feeling as dissatisfied as I do now. And while I hate admitting it, you might be right about some kind of depression creeping in.
ER Eddie
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A couple of thoughts...
1. Retirement is like a lot of other positive life changes (e.g., marriage, children, promotion). There is a honeymoon period, where you feel "pure exuberance," and then there is a gradual return to baseline. This is a natural process for most people; it's called hedonic adaptation. Takes a year or two, on average. The problem is that we can anchor our expectations to that early honeymoon period and become disappointed when retirement at some point starts to feel like normal life, rather than the "pure exuberance" you felt during the honeymoon.
2. The highlighted bit above caught my attention. Perhaps this is an opportunity to discover what you *really* want to do, on a deeper level? Perhaps what you "thought you wanted to do" is not fulfilling because it's not satisfying your deeper needs? I find that a lot of retirees focus on superficial external activities (e.g., lots of travel), as if those by themselves are going to result in a happy retirement. Maybe this is an opportunity to go deeper.
3. Of course it could be something entirely different, something in your attitude, psyche, or whatnot. If so, there are plenty of resources out there that can help -- books, videos, etc. -- in addition to actual counseling -- which can be a bit of a mixed bag, depending on the therapist (I'm speak as a retired psychologist).
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tenant13
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Could you elaborate, please? What do you mean by “going deeper”? And yes, long term travel is exactly what I focused on. Travel was always a hobby that I turned into a lifestyle. It’s a mixture of moving around a lot and staying out in one place for a month or longer.
daylatedollarshort
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According to the longest research study on happiness, the number one factor is, "relationships, relationships, relationships" - https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/st...showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/.
There's a lot of other factors from other studies, too, like sunshine, forest bathing music, exercise, expressing gratitude, and diet to name just a few. It is a well researched subject and it is easy to get books or watch Tedtalks on how to be happier with many suggestions to try out.
There's a lot of other factors from other studies, too, like sunshine, forest bathing music, exercise, expressing gratitude, and diet to name just a few. It is a well researched subject and it is easy to get books or watch Tedtalks on how to be happier with many suggestions to try out.
tenant13
Full time employment: Posting here.
Yes, I know that study. It’s very clear in mentioning that long term friendships are as good as intimate relationships. I have very close friends from high school + college and friends/neighbors that are like my family. I also make sure that I exercise my social “muscle” by staying in touch with a lot of people - some closer to me than others.
pacergal
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Perhaps volunteering somewhere on a regular basis or being a mentor/big brother to some child? Help build a house for Habitat?
Maybe get you out of your self and focus on truly giving to others?
Stop thinking/believing that you don't have empathy, don't care, etc and actually start "Doing" for others, daily.
Maybe get you out of your self and focus on truly giving to others?
Stop thinking/believing that you don't have empathy, don't care, etc and actually start "Doing" for others, daily.
ER Eddie
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To recap, my suggestion about "going deeper" was in response to your statement that you were "doing what I always thought I wanted to do" and yet you were unhappy. I'm suggesting that perhaps you didn't know what you really wanted at a deep level, and that your current state may provide an opportunity to delve deeper.
I'm trying to get at this: many people have superficial answers to the deeper questions of life.
Questions like "What is really meaningful to me?" "What matters most to me?" "What sort of person do I want to be?" "What sort of experiences do I value the most in life?" "What am I here for?"
A lot of people haven't given those questions much thought. As a result, their answers are shallow, focused on external activities like travel, golf, sightseeing, etc.. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with doing those things. I'm saying that a person whose answer to the Big Questions of Life is "travel and golf" hasn't reflected on the questions much.
So, by "going deeper," I'm talking about reflecting, introspecting. Asking yourself questions that lead you deeper into what your core values and motivations are, what you really want, what really matters and fulfills you. There are plenty of guided resources out there to help prompt that sort of self-exploration, if you find that helpful. A good therapist can also help (although many are symptom-focused, and exploring the Big Questions isn't really their forte).
p.s. I saw your remark about being "a bit sociopathic." I'd be careful about labelling yourself like that, especially in public. Other people are likely to hear that as, "I'm a bit of a serial killer."
If you've researched sociopathy and see yourself in it, that's one thing. I think mild levels of sociopathy are common (The Sociopath Next Door puts it at about 1 in 20 people), so it's possible that you've hit the nail on the head. But there are other possibilities, too -- like the Autism Spectrum Disorder that others have mentioned. Narcissism would be another. History of abuse or trauma would be another -- anything that cuts you off from your own emotional core.
pps. I just saw your remark above about "having very close friends from high school + college and friends/neighbors that are like my family." That's not the profile of someone who lacks empathy. I suspect you are misdiagnosing yourself.
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I have never had therapy but understand the "flat" feeling where nothing seems exciting anymore. I experienced it in my last few years of work where all I could think about was coasting to retirement. I had experienced a couple major disappointments and just had the "need to get out of here" mentality. Retirement was a huge relief. Two years into it now I've found new excitement, or at least contentment, in a variety of interesting volunteer work. I don't tax myself too much--I value down time quite a bit--but I get to use my teaching and organization skills and learn new things in my volunteer jobs. I also love travel, including researching and planning it. In short my near-depression "flat" mood has disappeared with change in my life, although it took awhile. I'd tell you to make a bucket list of a type; do some day dreaming about what you've always wanted to do, then start to put a plan in action. Just accomplishing one or two things can go a long way in starting to build satisfaction and joy. Just my 2 cents.
tenant13
Full time employment: Posting here.
To recap, my suggestion about "going deeper" was in response to your statement that you were "doing what I always thought I wanted to do" and yet you were unhappy. I'm suggesting that perhaps you didn't know what you really wanted at a deep level, and that your current state may provide an opportunity to delve deeper.
I'm trying to get at this: many people have superficial answers to the deeper questions of life.
Questions like "What is really meaningful to me?" "What matters most to me?" "What sort of person do I want to be?" "What sort of experiences do I value the most in life?" "What am I here for?"
A lot of people haven't given those questions much thought. As a result, their answers are shallow, focused on external activities like travel, golf, sightseeing, etc.. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with doing those things. I'm saying that a person whose answer to the Big Questions of Life is "travel and golf" hasn't reflected on the questions much.
So, by "going deeper," I'm talking about reflecting, introspecting. Asking yourself questions that lead you deeper into what your core values and motivations are, what you really want, what really matters and fulfills you. There are plenty of guided resources out there to help prompt that sort of self-exploration, if you find that helpful. A good therapist can also help (although many are symptom-focused, and exploring the Big Questions isn't really their forte).
p.s. I saw your remark about being "a bit sociopathic." I'd be careful about labelling yourself like that, especially in public. Other people are likely to hear that as, "I'm a bit of a serial killer."
If you've researched sociopathy and see yourself in it, that's one thing. I think mild levels of sociopathy are common (The Sociopath Next Door puts it at about 1 in 20 people), so it's possible that you've hit the nail on the head. But there are other possibilities, too -- like the Autism Spectrum Disorder that others have mentioned. Narcissism would be another. History of abuse or trauma would be another -- anything that cuts you off from your own emotional core.
pps. I just saw your remark above about "having very close friends from high school + college and friends/neighbors that are like my family." That's not the profile of someone who lacks empathy. I suspect you are misdiagnosing yourself.
I'm not a clinician nor do I actually think you can box people into neatly defined boxes but when I think of myself, I see someone who is not quite like other people I know and when I stumble upon websites like this one I see a lot of similarities. More than I would like to.
Anyway, as to "going deeper" - because that's where my current mood swings are likely rooted - I believe I have a lot existential and philosophical questions answered. I have never been religious/spiritual but if you were to push me into describing what kind of thoughts drive me - it would be a mixture of Buddha and Marquise de Sade (no, not the salacious part - just his rational, anti-religious and anti-authoritarian stuff). In other words, I believe in enjoying here and now, don't differentiate between pleasure and suffering (one doesn't exist without the other) and fully accept myself as I am - that's how nature intended me to be. I also don't think there's more to life than simply experiencing it but I also think that humans are equipped with an additional tool to "go deeper" (to use your words) and that's rational thinking; the only thing that makes us different from animals. It is a two edged sword, unfortunately: as Erich Fromm mentioned: "Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve.". I've decided that my existence is a gift, not a problem, so I try to enjoy it.
Travel was my way of creating experiences that would translate into lasting memories - that's what I truly want to collect. It was also a way of "stretching" time. A day in an unfamiliar place, filled with challenges, however small, is the opposite of a day at work or doing anything repetitive (that's how you compress and kill time). I look at time as the only resource that cannot be saved. So I've always tried to be very careful of how I used it: I had a creative job, I only stay friends with people I consider interesting, I try not to read or watch trash, I pay people for doing certain boring tasks, I travel as much as I want to. I thought I had it all worked out. And yet...
tenant13
Full time employment: Posting here.
Yes, I just have to do a research on the types of therapy - apparently there's more than orthopedic surgeons - and on how to find the right one. Hopefully it'll be easier than selecting a barber, because that's a task I haven't completed in 60 years.
ER Eddie
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So maybe you don't. Welcome to the club.
I hope this experience opens some perceptual doors for you, whether through therapy, your own reflection, or some other means.
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JohnRM
Recycles dryer sheets
Other people? No thanks.
The relationships thing.... What if a person is a stone-cold introvert? Outside of my immediate family, other people wear on me pretty quickly.
The relationships thing.... What if a person is a stone-cold introvert? Outside of my immediate family, other people wear on me pretty quickly.
Make a big change
Assuming, it's not a serious mental or physical, try pickleball. We moved to a 55+ community south of Tucson a year after retirement. Bold move for us as we had lived in the same Colorado area all of our lives. Made lots of new friends and play a lot of pickleball. You don't have to be a great athlete. Fun for all levels of skill. So many activities - concerts, art, bocce, tennis, socials, etc. You can be as busy as you want. Go back to CO in the summer for a couple of months to see family and stay cooler.
Good luck, keep looking for that inspiration, whatever may be.
Assuming, it's not a serious mental or physical, try pickleball. We moved to a 55+ community south of Tucson a year after retirement. Bold move for us as we had lived in the same Colorado area all of our lives. Made lots of new friends and play a lot of pickleball. You don't have to be a great athlete. Fun for all levels of skill. So many activities - concerts, art, bocce, tennis, socials, etc. You can be as busy as you want. Go back to CO in the summer for a couple of months to see family and stay cooler.
Good luck, keep looking for that inspiration, whatever may be.
I may have missed it in all the other replies, but be sure you understand what therapy will and won't do for you going in.
Therapy is NOT supposed to be an advisory session (or sessions as the case may be) for the therapist to tell you what you should be doing.
It should be a time when you talk about what's going on. The therapist is there to help you work out what's going on and let YOU figure out what your issues are.
If the therapist is giving you advice about what you need to be doing they're not doing their job.
Therapy is NOT supposed to be an advisory session (or sessions as the case may be) for the therapist to tell you what you should be doing.
It should be a time when you talk about what's going on. The therapist is there to help you work out what's going on and let YOU figure out what your issues are.
If the therapist is giving you advice about what you need to be doing they're not doing their job.
SATim
Confused about dryer sheets
Piling on with everyone's comment, agree therapy could be helpful. I'd recommend looking on psychology today's website, you can search providers and get a partial feel for who might connect well with you. Most will provide a 10-15 minute phone consult as well. Disclaimer, I'm a psychologist myself so I'm naturally biased to believe this could be a good use of your time. But good luck moving forward.
Very interesting discussion. A lot of it sounds too familiar.
I was married for 20 years to a woman who, while challenging, I loved deeply. She was my world, my happy place. Then 12 years ago she dumped me and took the kids with her. For about 2 years I wallowed in black depression. It took that long before I could talk about it without bawling. I dreaded growing old alone without my best friend and lover. It was the only time I ever seriously considered suicide.
I eventually crawled out of the hole. My (self-employed) work situation changed for the better, and that helped a lot. Unfortunately my work opportunities started fading away about 5 years earlier than I wanted, so my finances aren't where I thought they'd be at retirement (I'm 66). And due to several things (ex-DW was an asocial introvert, I focused all my energy on her & our kids, etc) I had lost touch with nearly all my friends. I worked out of my home, and didn't attend a church, so no social interaction there. I did what I could to join groups, meet people for happy hour, etc.
Then in 2019 I got 2 cancer diagnoses, and then Covid hit. Due to immune issues I ended up hiding in my house for 2+ years. No face-to-face human interaction unless they had to stick a needle in me. 2 years of social isolation and hug deprivation didn't help my mental state.
I'm starting to come out of the Covid isolation, but I find I'm pretty "meh" about most of my life. I'm *lonely*, desperate for a loving companion, but I haven't had much luck there. (Believe me I've tried.) Most of my long-term friends have moved away. I'm trying to rebuild a social life, but 2 years of Covid isolation killed most of the tenuous social circles I built after the divorce. I've considered selling my (beautiful lakefront but too large) home and moving to an over-55 community just for the social opportunities.
I'm doing a lot to try to improve things. I've started playing pickleball at the local senior center. Good exercise, but very superficial social interaction. Same with hiking, once the weather warms up. Can't get in a plane while Covid is around (but that's getting better) so I bought a car I can road-trip and "camp" in. I'm buying an e-bike so I can join my brother on a 150-mile fundraiser ride for the Lymphoma Society this summer, and I plan to put many miles on it after that.
Maybe I need to add "see therapist" to my self-care regimen...
I was married for 20 years to a woman who, while challenging, I loved deeply. She was my world, my happy place. Then 12 years ago she dumped me and took the kids with her. For about 2 years I wallowed in black depression. It took that long before I could talk about it without bawling. I dreaded growing old alone without my best friend and lover. It was the only time I ever seriously considered suicide.
I eventually crawled out of the hole. My (self-employed) work situation changed for the better, and that helped a lot. Unfortunately my work opportunities started fading away about 5 years earlier than I wanted, so my finances aren't where I thought they'd be at retirement (I'm 66). And due to several things (ex-DW was an asocial introvert, I focused all my energy on her & our kids, etc) I had lost touch with nearly all my friends. I worked out of my home, and didn't attend a church, so no social interaction there. I did what I could to join groups, meet people for happy hour, etc.
Then in 2019 I got 2 cancer diagnoses, and then Covid hit. Due to immune issues I ended up hiding in my house for 2+ years. No face-to-face human interaction unless they had to stick a needle in me. 2 years of social isolation and hug deprivation didn't help my mental state.
I'm starting to come out of the Covid isolation, but I find I'm pretty "meh" about most of my life. I'm *lonely*, desperate for a loving companion, but I haven't had much luck there. (Believe me I've tried.) Most of my long-term friends have moved away. I'm trying to rebuild a social life, but 2 years of Covid isolation killed most of the tenuous social circles I built after the divorce. I've considered selling my (beautiful lakefront but too large) home and moving to an over-55 community just for the social opportunities.
I'm doing a lot to try to improve things. I've started playing pickleball at the local senior center. Good exercise, but very superficial social interaction. Same with hiking, once the weather warms up. Can't get in a plane while Covid is around (but that's getting better) so I bought a car I can road-trip and "camp" in. I'm buying an e-bike so I can join my brother on a 150-mile fundraiser ride for the Lymphoma Society this summer, and I plan to put many miles on it after that.
Maybe I need to add "see therapist" to my self-care regimen...
ER Eddie
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Damn, Gary, that's a hell of a ride. I'm sorry you went through all that. Sounds like you're digging yourself out. Keep at it.
It's not the number of relationships that matter; it's how satisfied you are with your relationships. This is what the research is measuring -- not number of relationships, but level of satisfaction with those relationships.
I'm an introvert, so I'm glad you asked the question. It's worth clarifying. It is very possible to have plenty of relationships and be unhappy. Likewise, it's very possible to have only a few relationships, and yet be quite content (especially if you're an introvert).
It's not the number of relationships that matter; it's how satisfied you are with your relationships. This is what the research is measuring -- not number of relationships, but level of satisfaction with those relationships.
I'm an introvert, so I'm glad you asked the question. It's worth clarifying. It is very possible to have plenty of relationships and be unhappy. Likewise, it's very possible to have only a few relationships, and yet be quite content (especially if you're an introvert).
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