I think I may need therapy

[eyenitnoy]

Buy some very good scotch.
Then drink it.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Very interesting discussion. A lot of it sounds too familiar.

I was married for 20 years to a woman who, while challenging, I loved deeply. She was my world, my happy place. Then 12 years ago she dumped me and took the kids with her. For about 2 years I wallowed in black depression. It took that long before I could talk about it without bawling. I dreaded growing old alone without my best friend and lover. It was the only time I ever seriously considered suicide.

I eventually crawled out of the hole. My (self-employed) work situation changed for the better, and that helped a lot. Unfortunately my work opportunities started fading away about 5 years earlier than I wanted, so my finances aren't where I thought they'd be at retirement (I'm 66). And due to several things (ex-DW was an asocial introvert, I focused all my energy on her & our kids, etc) I had lost touch with nearly all my friends. I worked out of my home, and didn't attend a church, so no social interaction there. I did what I could to join groups, meet people for happy hour, etc.

Then in 2019 I got 2 cancer diagnoses, and then Covid hit. Due to immune issues I ended up hiding in my house for 2+ years. No face-to-face human interaction unless they had to stick a needle in me. 2 years of social isolation and hug deprivation didn't help my mental state.

I'm starting to come out of the Covid isolation, but I find I'm pretty "meh" about most of my life. I'm *lonely*, desperate for a loving companion, but I haven't had much luck there. (Believe me I've tried.) Most of my long-term friends have moved away. I'm trying to rebuild a social life, but 2 years of Covid isolation killed most of the tenuous social circles I built after the divorce. I've considered selling my (beautiful lakefront but too large) home and moving to an over-55 community just for the social opportunities.

I'm doing a lot to try to improve things. I've started playing pickleball at the local senior center. Good exercise, but very superficial social interaction. Same with hiking, once the weather warms up. Can't get in a plane while Covid is around (but that's getting better) so I bought a car I can road-trip and "camp" in. I'm buying an e-bike so I can join my brother on a 150-mile fundraiser ride for the Lymphoma Society this summer, and I plan to put many miles on it after that.

Maybe I need to add "see therapist" to my self-care regimen...

Good luck on finding changes that work for you. Maybe you could rent in a 55+ community for a few months and see how you like it. We've don't live in a senior community but we've made most of our post retirement friends through local senior clubs.

 

[SVHoper]

Travel was my way of creating experiences that would translate into lasting memories - that's what I truly want to collect. It was also a way of "stretching" time. A day in an unfamiliar place, filled with challenges, however small, is the opposite of a day at work or doing anything repetitive (that's how you compress and kill time). I look at time as the only resource that cannot be saved. So I've always tried to be very careful of how I used it: I had a creative job, I only stay friends with people I consider interesting...

I'm not a therapist, psychologist or anything useful... However here is my 2c worth

Your issue seems pretty simple... Adjust expectations and accept need for change. To me perception is ~everything and from the above: creative job worked, then travel worked... just accept you need to search for something else... and be aware that your judgements on value are a large part of the perceived value you receive (mebe learn to value increasing skill vs new experience, mebe look for more creative activities - with similar qualities to your job)... further accept that the search can be rewarding

Perhaps be open to designing life with a mix of baseline activities, then add back periodic travel (vs constant). Some folks get satisfaction from the challenge of "repeating" activities with the aim of improvement. Some folks get satisfaction by reaching some level of activity, then learning a new one to a given level rather than continuing trying to improve.

I'm not sure what will work for you, only that being open to trying activities until you find something(s) that resonates is a path w probable success. IMO for those lucky enough to love their work, retirement life is not so different to work life. ie work was not all "highs" and no reason to expect any single retirement activity to produce continuous "highs". The beauty of retirement is that there is more choice.

 

[EastWest Gal]

Buy some very good scotch.
Then drink it.

My opinion about this comment:

Self-medicating depression with a depressant? Really bad idea. Alcohol is a depressant. It also causes/exacerbates gastroesophageal reflux, affects liver function, heart health (major risk factor for atrial fibrillation), elevates blood pressure, cholesterol levels, and can lead to aspiration pneumonia. It can lead to psychological and physical addiction.

Not only that, living alone, means drinking alone. Another really bad idea.

 

[FindingForward]

The relationships thing.... What if a person is a stone-cold introvert? Outside of my immediate family, other people wear on me pretty quickly.

Yes - that unanimous advice on retirement happiness always puzzled me. There are people who really aren't comfortable around others and are at their happiest/most relaxed when alone. But the conundrum is that, as you age, if you don't have kids or close family, you need some close relationships in your life to rely upon as a support system.

So does one force themselves to be social week after week, for years on end, even if they hate it and aren't enjoying themselves - all in hopes of finding those few relationship gems?

 

[SVHoper]

I'm an introvert but have had a lot of success with specific interest or activity meetups to feed a funnel... which resulted in 4 v. good friends and a bunch of close "activity" friends. ie I do a single activity with them and v. occasional other social thingo

 

[razztazz]

Yes - that unanimous advice on retirement happiness always puzzled me. There are people who really aren't comfortable around others and are at their happiest/most relaxed when alone. But the conundrum is that, as you age, if you don't have kids or close family, you need some close relationships in your life to rely upon as a support system.

So does one force themselves to be social week after week, for years on end, even if they hate it and aren't enjoying themselves - all in hopes of finding those few relationship gems?

This kind of thing can kill a person.

 

[GaryInCO]

Not only that, living alone, means drinking alone. Another really bad idea.

Agree 100% on that one. I've never been a solitary drinker. To me, drinking is a social event. It's no fun by myself. Which is probably a good thing for me.

I really enjoy good booze. We have 23 breweries in this smallish city, and I've been to all of 'em, multiple times. I used to be president of the local wine club. I was very active in a "foodies" meetup group and enjoyed a lot of good wine there. So my social interactions often involve alcohol. But I've cut back. Partly because my social interactions have been cut way back, but partly because alcohol metabolizes into acetaldehyde, which is carcinogenic. I figure I shouldn't make things worse than they already are.

 

[Closet_Gamer]

Agree 100% on that one. I've never been a solitary drinker. To me, drinking is a social event. It's no fun by myself. Which is probably a good thing for me.

I really enjoy good booze. We have 23 breweries in this smallish city, and I've been to all of 'em, multiple times. I used to be president of the local wine club. I was very active in a "foodies" meetup group and enjoyed a lot of good wine there. So my social interactions often involve alcohol. But I've cut back. Partly because my social interactions have been cut way back, but partly because alcohol metabolizes into acetaldehyde, which is carcinogenic. I figure I shouldn't make things worse than they already are.

I love a good scotch.
When my wife is out of town, I may even have one by myself.

But the bottle is definitely not the answer to depression.

 

[RobbieB]

I also enjoy a couple pops before supper. None after. But always before -