Annoying Corporate Speak

[yakers]

The latest buzz word in our office is "socialize" as in, "socialize this with XXX office at HQ".

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

i left 5 years after we were re-engineered (my area went from 35 people to, yikes, 7 of us) & 3 years of exceeding expectations. exceed this.

 

[cube_rat]

The latest buzz word in our office is "socialize" as in, "socialize this with XXX office at HQ".

OMG! I thought our company was the orginator of "socializing" ! Ack!

 

[Caroline]

Got a letter from a lawyer once, which began: "Enclosed please find the hereinafter referred-to enclosure."

 

[frayne]

Level playing field, mean anything ?

A flat organization ?

Synergy ?

 

[cube_rat]

How about "level setting"?

 

[Martha]

Got a letter from a lawyer once, which began: "Enclosed please find the hereinafter referred-to enclosure."

I see this all the time. Lawyers want to be able to show that they mailed something so they use an "enclosed please find" letter. Lawyers are also in love with meaningless words like hereby, hereinafter, wherefore, blah, blah, blah. I always would edit those words out of my associates' work. The other writing issue I see alot is using three words when one will do, like: "sells, transfers and assigns" and "promise, aver and agree" . Yuck.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

http://www.dack.com/web/bullshit.html

whiteboard impactful applications
reinvent bleeding-edge deliverables

http://www.lurkertech.com/chris/corpspeak.html

==== FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ====

TO: SGI Users
FROM: Public Relations
CONTACT: Louis Semprini, Corporate Mgmt Comm. Coordinator

Having first verified that the price-performance leading edge blows them away with a team, a careful examination of big deals reveals that the technologies interface with the extensible merger. It is fiscally true that emerging workgroups get up to speed on the open standards. As a company, we have a firm grip on kick-ass graphics. The win-win next generation systems ... uuum ... are going to get up to speed on the massively parallel tangent. If we can foresee the benefits of drop dead dates, then motif-compliant key players will assure us the high-performace geographies. Surely, we can conclude that the component indicates that the integration can ride the wave of the customer dealer channels. This is why Tom Jermoluk recently announced that a teamwork-oriented disclosure (and by the way this is all in my report) syncs up with a competitive skill set. Can we indeed say that a paper trail signs off on a goal ? Our third parties tell us that massively parallel workgroups provide an indication of the UI scripting languages. As Ed McCracken states in a recent report about sweet spots, " the killer app will ramp up progress on the enabling executives." I think that internet service providers provide an indication of the information superhighway.

A massively parallel horizontal market syncs up with ISVs, however the staffing look and feel raises a flag over value-added workgroups. Now what was I saying? The price-performance critical paths will follow through on the issue of object-oriented killer apps, which leads us to believe that the UI user interfaces soon get your input on the skill sets. We are pleased to announce that personal digital assistants will pass the baton to mergers. Desktop integration interactively raises a flag over the win-win action items, so technology enables the binary-compatible relationships. We will with all deliberate speed take over the technological market for the platform.

 

[LRS]

We have a problem with our "comfort level" at our workplace. I guess being comfortable is bad, as in slack, lazy, complacent, and being "just on the other side of comfortable"--ie stressed, nervous, jumpy--is good.

It all just makes me want to leave sooner.

 

[REWahoo]

We have a problem with our "comfort level" at our workplace. I guess being comfortable is bad, as in slack, lazy, complacent, and being "just on the other side of comfortable"--ie stressed, nervous, jumpy--is good.

Worked for a CEO who frequently stated that his main role was to "inflict the comforted and comfort the inflicted".

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

We have a problem with our "comfort level" at our workplace. I guess being comfortable is bad, as in slack, lazy, complacent, and being "just on the other side of comfortable"--ie stressed, nervous, jumpy--is good.

It all just makes me want to leave sooner.

Considering my old company's mantra was "only the paranoid survive", it probably shouldnt surprise anyone that a little of that paranoia still carries on in me... :

 

[MDW]

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you!

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Heyyy...you look a little bit familiar...was that you hiding out in my front shrubs earlier?

Dang I still want someone to come up with that way to git your dog on someone through the internet...

 

[ladelfina]

I had a boss who loved the phrase, "Problem? ... or Opportunity?!" that he picked up from some Japanese management bible that was popular back in the day...

me: "The printer just exploded and we have a new business presentation in a half-hour."

him: "Problem? ... or Opportunity?!"

me: in my head=>"Problem!!! you smug, ignorant !@$#%"
me: in reality=>speechless.

This boss also liked to secretly program keystrokes on our computers and then sidle up as we were working and in a snotty tone of voice ask, "why don't you just hit option-shift-7"??  :

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

"I will, but only if that key combination triggers an ejection seat that will shoot me out of here and back into my car..."

 

[ladelfina]

 

[HFWR]

Worked for a CEO who frequently stated that his main role was to "inflict the comforted..."

Sort of like the crabs...

 

[Nords]

==== FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ====

TO:      SGI Users
FROM:    Public Relations
CONTACT: Louis Semprini, Corporate Mgmt Comm. Coordinator

So how many badgers did he give away?

 

[justin]

org chart

Two I hear often and use (maybe it's cause I'm in the South):
Git r done
Good to go

 

[cj]

Here's one, directly from a recent report:

"corporate objectives that will produce a virtuous cycle of value creation"

'Scuse me??

CJ

 

[justin]

My company keeps it simple.

"Work more, spend less, profits get bigger. You get more bonuses and profit sharing contributions."

 

[HFWR]

My company keeps it simple.

"Work more, spend less, profits get bigger.  We You get more bonuses and profit sharing contributions."

 

[justin]

"Work more, spend less, profits get bigger. We You get more bonuses and profit sharing contributions."

So far, they have put their money where their mouth is.

 

[cj]

Has anyone seen this?

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&isbn=0767920740&itm=1

CJ

 

[jdmorton]

Actually, I Have Heard of That Book

I think our local paper had an article on "corporate speak" and this book was referenced.

Our office is going through a new initiative, and we got some information to review before a big meeting next week. One of the things we have to do is evaluate certain vendor software. In that information, someone wrote we had to answer this question of each software package we evaluate - "Does the granularity of the software reach the level of detail necessary to meet (our) business objectives?" Well, I had no idea what they were even asking, so I did what every corporate-speak impaired employee does - looked it up on the Internet. There I found a website with a corporate buzzword dictionary (http://www.buzzwhack.com/buzzcomp/dict.htm.) I sent it around to some of the other workers in the office, and we spent the rest of yesterday afternoon looking up words. We were laughing so hard that we had tears streaming down our cheeks.

So far, none of us have had a "salmon day"