Awkward situation with friends

[Scuba]

DH and I have friends we have dinner with regularly, often in our homes but sometimes out. We have always just split checks in restaurants 50/50, figuring that over time, it evens out.

This was fine until DH and I stopped drinking alcohol after his heart attack earlier this year. We did not drink at all for several months, and even now very rarely do and never during just a casual dinner with friends.

Since we’ve stopped drinking, we’ve been out to restaurants with these friends twice. Both times, our food orders were similar but we drank water while they had 3-4 drinks between them. When the check came, they didn’t mention that perhaps they should put in more to cover their drinks. Tonight our part of the tab was over $30 more than it would have been had we gotten separate checks.

Most restaurants in our area don’t do separate checks. We like our friends but I don’t want to continue to pay far more than the cost of what we ordered.

What is a tactful way to handle this?

 

[RobbieB]

Maybe tell them that you stopped drinking for health reasons?

 

[Midpack]

If your friends don’t act and you don’t want to pay half, there’s no guaranteed painless approach.

If paying half bothers you - the only good way is to pick restaurants that do allow separate checks and tell the server up front, they’re not hard to find. Some people always do specifically to avoid the situation you find yourself in.

Trying to add up splits yourself is a PITA due to taxes and tip, not recommended. I had a “buddy” who would always say ‘my lunch was $10’ and toss in $10 - but none of us were bashful about calling his BS. He was a cheapskate tipper too, so we had to confront him every time.

If they’re real friends, they wouldn’t want to take advantage of you to begin with. If they’re your friends I’d think you have a good idea how they’ll react.

If you’ve stopped drinking and they still like to have a few, you may drift apart in time anyway. Happens all the time.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Have you tried calling around to find places that do separate checks? Most of them in our area do, and we ask for separate checks when they take the order.

 

[SecondAttempt]

DH and I have friends we have dinner with regularly, often in our homes but sometimes out. We have always just split checks in restaurants 50/50, figuring that over time, it evens out.

This was fine until DH and I stopped drinking alcohol after his heart attack earlier this year. We did not drink at all for several months, and even now very rarely do and never during just a casual dinner with friends.

Since we’ve stopped drinking, we’ve been out to restaurants with these friends twice. Both times, our food orders were similar but we drank water while they had 3-4 drinks between them. When the check came, they didn’t mention that perhaps they should put in more to cover their drinks. Tonight our part of the tab was over $30 more than it would have been had we gotten separate checks.

Most restaurants in our area don’t do separate checks. We like our friends but I don’t want to continue to pay far more than the cost of what we ordered.

What is a tactful way to handle this?

You can ask that the alcohol be put on a separate check. Almost ALL restaurants will do this because it is illegal to charge alcohol to most government and many corporate p-cards. Any restaurant that refused to do this would lose a ton of business very quickly!

Honestly, my first reaction was to tell you to just continue to split the check. You are paying for an evening of good company with friends, not for food or booze. But if they have 3-4 drinks each at probably at least $10 each, they are abusing the experience.

If you choose to have the difficult conversation I would make sure to explain to them that your choice is not about judging them but about your own health situation.

"We're tired of paying for your excessive drinking" is a whole lot different from "We have stopped drinking because of Fred's heart condition so we think splitting the bar bill has become excessive"

Also, ask yourself, if you became vegans by choice and typically had the eggplant pasta when they ate steak, would you have the same objection? I'm not judging you, just trying to give you some fuel for thought.

 

[Dtail]

State your feelings upfront in a pleasant truthful way when you are not in the restaurant.
Good friends should understand this concept.

 

[latexman]

Most restaurants in our area don’t do separate checks.

Poppycock!

 

[Amethyst]

Everyone has given excellent advice.

OTOH, my experience has been that people who like to drink a lot of alcohol (four drinks with dinner qualifies as a lot, to me - after two and a half, I'd be in the bathroom throwing up) generally don't keep company with non-drinkers. It may be more than the friendship is worth, to call attention to the situation.

 

[Amethyst]

Yes, the vegans should still split the check, IMHO. That situation would be a bit different from drinkers vs. non-drinkers. If you're at a restaurant, you're there to eat food of choice. You don't necessarily have to drink 3 or 4 cocktails.

I could split the hair even more by opining that a glass of wine with dinner, being practically a necessity in many cultures, qualifies as "food," so I would willingly split the cost even if I did not have one myself.

Y


Also, ask yourself, if you became vegans by choice and typically had the eggplant pasta when they ate steak, would you have the same objection? I'm not judging you, just trying to give you some fuel for thought.

 

[marko]

Some friends and friendships are more expensive than others. Lord knows, I have few.

If these are people you really enjoy, I'd just pay the split. If $30 is a big deal (you apparently took the time to do the calculation), maybe they're not worth the money.

A really thoughtful friend might say "you didn't have any drinks and they don't split checks so here's a $20 to cover it" but I'd never bring it up.

BIL/SIL have some friends who never even think of paying their half! They know he's very well off and just assume he'll pay.

 

[dixonge]

Also, ask yourself, if you became vegans by choice and typically had the eggplant pasta when they ate steak, would you have the same objection? I'm not judging you, just trying to give you some fuel for thought.

Pasta vs steak would be the same price offset even if you were NOT vegan. However, have you seen vegan food prices? Typically making something vegan involves a small *extra* charge. It shouldn't be, but the restaurant either perceives it as some sort of extra effort to leave off the cheese, or they perceive that vegans are willing to pay more.

When we eat w/ my brother and his wife we typically get separate checks, but sometimes they pay for the first round of drinks, sometimes we put a side dish on our ticket, etc. So it all works out in the end.

To the OP, if you were paying half in the past, back when all of you were drinking, and you still pay half now that two of you no longer drink, aren't you now paying less overall than you used to? Maybe thinking of it from a different angle will help?

 

[marko]

To the OP, if you were paying half in the past, back when all of you were drinking, and you still pay half now that two of you no longer drink, aren't you now paying less overall than you used to? Maybe thinking of it from a different angle will help?

Wow. Now there's some Freakonomics! Good way to look at it!

 

[Aerides]

Either find places that do separate checks - perhaps even call in advance and discreetly ask the host before you arrive, or intercept your waiter en route to the ladies room. That way the checks just arrive that way. All but the most casual restaurants should be able to accommodate this if you ask.

Or suck it up. If the friendship is that dear that you want to dine with them regularly, it's worth it. It would be to me. I wouldn't even be looking at the difference, just squinting enough to figure the tip and moving on with the conversation.

If you do decide to approach them and there's no other way, I'd say ask DH to chat - when alone - with the husband of the other couple. If there's any place for a fracture to start in a two couple relationship, it's usually not there.

Just make sure he knows well enough not to pull the old.. "I don't mind but you know Scuba..." 'cause that won't go well either.

 

[MarieIG]

I never drink (never have) and DH at most will drink one beer.

When we go out with couples, DH splits the check 1/2; or one couple picks up the tab (take turns type of thing).

When I go out with the girls, we usually pick a place where we can each pay for our own, but I also have to be careful as my friends want to pay for me too often since I don't order much. (If it is a celebration for a friend's birthday or such, I make it clear in advance I am treating.)

 

[W2R]

Yes, this is an awkward situation! I'm not sure what I'd say to smooth it over, but I sure wouldn't pay for half their drinks. Maybe I'd grab the bill first, and say, "now, subtracting the drinks first, looks like our share for half of just the food is $40, and $40 for your half plus $60 for drinks is $100." ?

 

[Jerry1]

For those who say to find places that allow separate checks, realize that is no different than confronting the other couple directly. It’s not like they won’t notice you’re asking for separate checks.

Question - DH had to stop drinking because of his heart. Apparently you quit for non-health reasons. Maybe you could have a few drinks and even out the bill a little bit (joking).

Seriously, your only option is to just get it out there or ignore it. If you ignore it then you need to fully let it go. You can’t have it eating at you every time you go out to dinner. Personally, I don’t think it will be that big of a deal to address it. As was said above, just bring it up so time before being at the restaurant - like the next time they eat at your house. I also agree with DH taking the lead on the conversation since it’s his medical condition that brought you to this point.

However, personally, I would just let it go. Good friends are worth a few extra bucks every now and then.

 

[Car-Guy]

Yes, this is an awkward situation! I'm not sure what I'd say to smooth it over, but I sure wouldn't pay for half their drinks. Maybe I'd grab the bill first, and say, "now, subtracting the drinks first, looks like our share for half of just the food is $40, and your half plus $60 for drinks is $100." ?

^^^^^
Sounds like a good solution to me, if you really want to say anything about it at all.

They probably just don't realize it "yet" and may figure it out on their own soon enough. (Maybe) If not use W2R's solution.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

Fortunately, almost all the time I'm with friends separate checks are easy... as more servers use tablets it seems to be easier for them to do right at the table too. That said..


Just politely bring it up (I'd do it before dinner) and let them know why and that you enjoy socializing with them and want to keep it equitable. If they are good friends, the wouldn't want to "get over on you" and may have just not thought about it. If they raise a stink (IMO not good friends) you can back down or move on to some degree or another. I suspect they just haven't really thought about it. If places truly won't split the check and/or bar tab breakout perhaps there is a ratio you could agree to such as they pick up two for every one you pick up to keep it fair without being too formal.


Years ago I used to pick up the tab on my CC (for the rewards) and get reimbursed by friends in cash until I realized how many don't understand the concept of taxes and tips! I let some things slide but I'm very left brained when it comes to finances and notice and am very annoyed if I am systemically ripped off.

 

[StillFiguringItOut]

Why not look for a restaurant that doesn’t serve alcohol and suggest that restaurant for the next time you get together with your friends? Then, if they make an issue of the lack of alcoholic drinks, you can bring up the need to be alcohol free on your husband’s health.

 

[CincyDave]

Most restaurants in our area don’t do separate checks. We like our friends but I don’t want to continue to pay far more than the cost of what we ordered.

Not sure where you are located and this may vary geographically. We go out often with other couples and always ask for separate checks up front. Never had a restaurant refuse to separate checks between couples, anywhere from the local pizza joint to nicest restaurants in town.

 

[Badger]

Not sure where you are located and this may vary geographically. We go out often with other couples and always ask for separate checks up front. Never had a restaurant refuse to separate checks between couples, anywhere from the local pizza joint to nicest restaurants in town.

+1 We do not drink but have friends that do. Regardless menu items can range from the lowest priced items to those that are 3x that cost. We also don't order appetizers and most times not desserts. Some friends may order all these things and their bill can often be 3X our bill. We always ask for separate checks to avoid any misunderstandings.
If a restaurant does not allow separate checks (I have never heard of a restaurant in our area that doesn't) then we won't do business with them and I let the management know.
I can't imagine with all the problems restaurants are having that they would not be accommodating. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

Cheers!

 

[TripleLindy]

I think that you’ll find most all restaurants will accommodate separate checks. We have a similar situation with friends where one or the other doesn’t drink and we don’t want them to pay extra when we do.

Understanding that it may be awkward, but I’d approach it with some like: “As you know, we’ve quit drinking due to health concerns. Do you mind if we ask for separate checks from now on instead of splitting the tab?”

Drinks at nice restaurants are crazy expensive - an $18 glass of wine is common. Alcohol is the primary income source for many restaurants, so the cost of drinks can easily exceed the price of a meal. I’m sure your friends recognize this and won’t have a problem with it.

 

[harllee]

My husband and I don't drink (and we don't order appetizers or desserts) so when we eat in restaurants with friends we ask for separate bills. I don't ever remember eating in a restaurant that would not do separate bills if you ask at the time you place your order.

 

[cathy63]

... they had 3-4 drinks between them... our part of the tab was over $30 more...

For those who are using the word "excessive", I don't think that's really the case. From this description, we're talking about one or two drinks per person. Each drink is $15 to $20 including tip, so maybe $12 to $18 before tip, and that's really not crazy expensive for cocktails or decent wine in SoCal.

... Most restaurants in our area don’t do separate checks...

I think I recall that you live in Coachella Valley? We're usually out there a couple of times each year, hanging out with friends or at the tennis tournament, and have never had a problem getting separate checks in any restaurant there (at least not in any restaurant that charges upwards of $12 per drink). Just before we order, one of us asks the waiter to split the check this way, making it clear by gesture where each couple is seated. It's only complicated if you like to order dishes to share, so if you do that, know that the dish will end up on the check of the person who orders it.

If you do opt for separate checks, I think you should mention it to your friends before-hand. Hopefully you can just say that since neither of you is drinking any more, you are going to ask for a separate check, and it won't be a big deal.

 

[Rianne]

You can ask that the alcohol be put on a separate check. Almost ALL restaurants will do this because it is illegal to charge alcohol to most government and many corporate p-cards. Any restaurant that refused to do this would lose a ton of business very quickly!

This happens every year, several times a year with family. I have a big family and when we go out to eat we have anywhere from 4-20 people. Talk about PITA. Complaints go from: appetizers, I had one bite but DB ate most of it, DSI ordered the filet mignon plus sides, and I order one normal dinner. DB buys expensive drinks and wine, actually, most of them do. I don't drink alcohol.

Separate the alcohol from the food. After that, it's a get-together. Split the food equally. God forbid the wait staff thinks you're cheap. Have the trusted math-loving attendee calculate including taxes and tip the equal split. It's not worth the private complaining. This applies to friend/family get-togethers unless friends want to split the check. Then you have to deal with your own guilt trip about the wait staff thinking you're cheap. For some reason, that's a thing with our family.

We've succumbed to one person putting it on their credit card and then figuring it out later. Alcohol is one check, food another. Otherwise, there's cash flying all over the table, you owe this, I owe that. We love going out to eat together and that's the downside.