Comment about treating the kids/heirs equally

[target2019]

I try to follow mom's advice, and treat siblings/kids equally when it comes to gifts and money.

Spouse and I watch in law's finances. Once or twice a year I look at the situation and help determine how much to gift to their children and grandchildren. FIL had thoughts about how to do this, but his thinking had a way of actually turning out unbalanced.

For example, he wanted to give a dollar each to kids and their spouses. Since one kid will never marry, she would get a single dollar. Others would get two. So I applied mom's rule, and each child gets two dollars. You can share it with your spouse.

In the next generation and follow, we use the same rule. Each grandkid gets an equal amount. Same for great-grandchildren.

Of course there are other situations that develop, and more thought has to go there.

 

[Chuckanut]

I have seen what happens when a parent favors some children over others. If you want your children to resent each other, not get along well and maybe even to to war with each other, favor one child in your will.

 

[Bestwifeever]

My wife and her 3 siblings have all done pretty well for themselves so when her parents died the estate was divided evenly, no problems.

My brother lives in Australia and is doing very well for himself as was I living in the USA when my Dad died. My 2 sisters were nowhere near as well off and both lived close by and did all the care required in the last few years of his life. No way was I going to suggest that he change his will to divide his modest estate unevenly. Instead I simply gave my share of the estate (~£10k) to my 2 sisters and told my brother what I'd done. Over the following few years he paid for my sisters and families to fly out for vacations with him where they had a wonderful time with him refusing to let them pay for anything.

This is such a good solution.

 

[MichaelB]

This is such a good solution.

Yeah, it really is. Just drives home a thought I have always had - What makes an inheritance equitable is not the intentions or instructions of the parent but the attitudes and actions of the children.

 

[Midpack]

DW and I have some personal history on this subject but I'll spare you those details, and just say inheritance should be equally divided in most, but not all cases. If one sibling subsequently decides to share with another, that's great. It would reflect well on the parents, without them having to choose which children to favor or not. My 2 cents.

 

[easysurfer]

I agree with treating the kids equally, mostly because it avoids hurt feelings which could affect the ongoing sibling relationships.

Money can do funny stuff.

An exception would be if someone is an addict - in which case one choice would be to set up a trustee who could dole out money for recovery and eventually distribute funds if there is verifiable recovery. Not an easy thing to judge, I suppose, and hard to control from the grave.

Another exception would be leaving more (if needed) in order for a trustee to provide for a developmentally disabled child.

There are probably lots of other "what if" scenarios.

IMO, in an ideal world, treat the kids equally. But in reality, I think the very reason there is a last will is to account for situations where an even split isn't preferred. Even treating all the kids equally as far as what they inherit can bring about resentment.

Even is one of the kids isn't an addict, but how about for example if he just wasn't around when other family members were always around to help out at times of family crisis? Is an even split appropriate then?

The even split approach (though the you never know what the future holds is a valid argument), reminds me of bonus and appraisals at w*rk. One year, the bonuses were split evenly as a group bonus. But then, are the underperformers in the group then getting a free benefit from the extra workers? On the other hand, if bonus was totally based on performance and accomplishments then one person's loss is my gain. In other words, no ideal world.

 

[Mdlerth]

People change, sometimes a lot. Twenty years ago, my four sibs and I had consensus that DM and DF should spend their all comfy retirement dough on their own comfy retirement, leaving nothing but loving memories. Any few farthings left should be split five ways, which is what I have been told the will directs.

But more recently one brother and two sisters have had changes of circumstance: health problems, employment problems, spouse and spawn problems. They have become reliant on subsidies from my parents, so if M&F checked out today, B&S would find it difficult not to lobby for a more skewed distribution of the estate.

My other brother and I don't need any inheritance, but the prospect causes me to wonder about myself. If the will were executed today, and if it were substantial, would I disclaim my share in favor of my struggling siblings? I haven't noticed myself calling them to voice this recommendation. Maybe I'm just a weak, mercenary greedhead after all...

 

[Texas Proud]

People change, sometimes a lot. Twenty years ago, my four sibs and I had consensus that DM and DF should spend their all comfy retirement dough on their own comfy retirement, leaving nothing but loving memories. Any few farthings left should be split five ways, which is what I have been told the will directs.

But more recently one brother and two sisters have had changes of circumstance: health problems, employment problems, spouse and spawn problems. They have become reliant on subsidies from my parents, so if M&F checked out today, B&S would find it difficult not to lobby for a more skewed distribution of the estate.

My other brother and I don't need any inheritance, but the prospect causes me to wonder about myself. If the will were executed today, and if it were substantial, would I disclaim my share in favor of my struggling siblings? I haven't noticed myself calling them to voice this recommendation. Maybe I'm just a weak, mercenary greedhead after all...

I think it is about attitude... IOW, if the B&S think they deserve the extra money because they had all these problems then I would not be willing to help out as much as if they just lived their lives and did not burden the parents....

Another is have they been mooching off parents for years... if so, I am also not inclined to help...

Lucky for me we do not have that situation.... the only one we have is the absent brother... he has always been a bit strange and distant so we just accept him as he is.... he will get his share... (really, there is no choice as DM has put that in her will)...

 

[RetireAge50]

I like simple. 100% to my one and only wife. If she is gone then 50% to each of my kids.

 

[MBAustin]

My sister did a ton for my mother (and thus for me) after our father died. They had just moved to the town where sister lives, so for the 6.5 years she lived after that, sister was the primary helper - which was non-trivial as Mom didn't drive. A couple of years before she died, she asked me if it would be OK to give more of her estate to my sister, who is comfortable but not wealthy (she is a state employee and although her long-time partner is highly paid, they aren't married and I don't know what provisions they've made for her when he dies). Since I was already FIREd with more than enough to provide for us, I immediately agreed.

Unfortunately, she never got around to changing her beneficiary designations, so everything was still set up 50-50. But I immediately told my sister that I would work it out so it was ⅓-⅔. Fortunately she had enough in taxable accounts that we ended up splitting the IRA 50-50 and then she got more of the taxable $$. We're both happy.

 

[gerntz]

I like the principle of equal shares, but fear it is too simple a suggestion and often there is no obvious right answer.

My parents are relatively well off and there will be a substantial estate.

Sister #1 has 2 kids and a successful career, made more money than parents or anyone else in the family and clearly needs nothing. She has been very vocal that she will be deeply disappointed if inheritance is not equal shares. Doesn't believe she should be penalized by other sibling's sub-optimal life choices.

Me, flirting with FIRE and need no inheritance.

Sister #2 lived at home her whole life more or less sponging off parents, but now caring for them as they age. Very vocal that she deserves lion's share of inheritance, if not all of it, because of her lifetime of sacrifice. Has limited savings and is unlikely to be able to retire without some inheritance.

Brother, has 6 kids of his own and struggles to feed them. I know parents slip him money from time to time to help support his family. Friendly guy, well loved by all, but never found work that turned into a career. Works hard. Financially barely making ends meet. Probably has no retirement assets. Certainly has no college funds for kids, who are all bright and should be college bound.


If it were my decision to make, I'd lean strongly towards funding grandkids educations and dividing the remainder between sister #2 and brother, who both could use the money. Sister #1 and Sister #2 are adamant in opposition to such a plan. Sister #1 will make holy hell if anything other than equal shares is proposed. Sister #2 will make equivalent inter-sibling warfare if she doesn't end up with family house outright and most (or all) of other assets. Brother and I will likely continue to get along with everyone no matter what happens.

So, what are parents to do? At this point I know they are divided. Mom strongly favors equal shares. Dad strongly favors disinheriting everyone except Sister #2.

I wish it was as simple and equal shares to everyone, but that doesn't seem to be reasonable in all families. And we're not even a blended family with second marriages and step-relationships. I cannot see that any simple rule will work in most cases.

If I wrote here what I think your parents should do, I'd get banned. It's none of the kids' businesses.

 

[growing_older]

If I wrote here what I think your parents should do, I'd get banned. It's none of the kids' businesses.

That's something I can thoroughly support. The "parents do what they think best" part, not the part about being banned. lol.

 

[rodi]

I believe the person writing the will should be able to divide their assets however they want.

I also believe that there are less hard feelings if things are divided evenly.

My grandfather gave more money to my aunt, who was not financially well off, than to my dad's estate. (Dad predeceased his step dad by just over a year and the will hadn't changed.) My sister and I (as beneficiaries of Dad's estate) chose to give our shares to our aunt... It was the right thing to do.

My dad had cut my brother out of his half of the bypass trust. (Long story - but bro had said some things that never should have been said... and this was the consequence.) My brother still inherited from my mom's side. My brother was terminally ill when dad passed, but also had some financial issues. My sister (executrix) and I talked it over and took advantage of a bit of vague language to interpret things so there was more money to pay off his debts. It was the right thing to do.

Family is too precious to fight over money. Fortunately, my sister and I were on the same page for these decisions.

My husband's family has things basically split evenly... but a few think that they "deserve" more when MIL eventually passes. One sibling will have his share put in trust managed by DH and SIL. The worry is he'd OD if he got a lump sum... But a hundred or 2 every month to extend his SS Disability income could work.

 

[45th Birthday]

I'm in the camp that says the parents should be the only ones who decide how to split. Comments about kids being involved in the "negotiations" make me cringe.

My parents split a small estate evenly among seven kids. Four of us didn't need the money. There was no re-distribution. The three who weren't in good financial shape didn't use the money wisely and have gone on to make more bad financial choices. More money would have gone down the drain.

The non-monetary items (photos, mementos, keepsakes, etc.) were also divided as evenly as possible. Distribution of some items was per a document they left, and some had little notes left on/in them. We all got together and divvied up the rest. Everyone was happy, which was lucky because as in any large family there has sometimes been bickering and drama.

Our two kids will each get half, barring a medical issue for one that equires long term care. It is still too early to tell, but one will probably earn much less than the other, but for both it will be a life-changing amount of money when the times comes.

 

[Car-Guy]

I believe the person writing the will should be able to divide their assets however they want.

Agree 100%

My sister (executrix) and I talked it over and took advantage of a bit of vague language to interpret things so there was more money to pay off his debts. It was the right thing to do.

Hum, maybe I better "re-read" my will to be sure it doesn't contain any "vague" language. If it does, I may have it updated and/or write a letter in plain English and have it notarized and attached in an "attempt" to help my executor understand what I really wanted.

 

[Alan]

My wife's maternal grandfather cut out his son from his will, leaving his modest estate to his 3 daughters. My wife found this out while doing her family history and on asking her mother what they did got the reply, "Oh, we ignored that and divided it equally".

Things are always much easier when siblings get along well with one another.

 

[eytonxav]

What do you do if both your kids are married, but one has a spouse that you don't like. Would you cut that spouse out if your child pre-deceased the disliked spouse?

 

[Dreamer]

I have 2 children. One child has never been married and has no children. He never wanted children. My other child is married and has 3 children. My grandchildren have given me great joy. I would like to include my grandchildren in our will, but I am unsure how to do it. I don't think that it is fair to give my son less, because he chose not to have children. However, should I give my daughter less, when she chose to have children? What would you suggest?

 

[Souschef]

I have 2 children. One child has never been married and has no children. He never wanted children. My other child is married and has 3 children. My grandchildren have given me great joy. I would like to include my grandchildren in our will, but I am unsure how to do it. I don't think that it is fair to give my son less, because he chose not to have children. However, should I give my daughter less, when she chose to have children? What would you suggest?

I have the same situation. One son has 2 children, the other has none. I divide everything equally for the 2 sons. However, I set up 529s for both my grandsons.
Also, I am splitting my RMD every year among my 2 sons and my wife's 2 sons. My late mom always said to give it to them while you are alive so they can thank you.

 

[Texas Proud]

I'm in the camp that says the parents should be the only ones who decide how to split. Comments about kids being involved in the "negotiations" make me cringe.

My parents split a small estate evenly among seven kids. Four of us didn't need the money. There was no re-distribution. The three who weren't in good financial shape didn't use the money wisely and have gone on to make more bad financial choices. More money would have gone down the drain.

The non-monetary items (photos, mementos, keepsakes, etc.) were also divided as evenly as possible. Distribution of some items was per a document they left, and some had little notes left on/in them. We all got together and divvied up the rest. Everyone was happy, which was lucky because as in any large family there has sometimes been bickering and drama.

Our two kids will each get half, barring a medical issue for one that equires long term care. It is still too early to tell, but one will probably earn much less than the other, but for both it will be a life-changing amount of money when the times comes.

Just a note on your comment about pictures.... you can have copies made for the other children... my mom put together photo albums years ago and chose some pics of all or most of the kids for all albums... she had copies made...

 

[Texas Proud]

I have 2 children. One child has never been married and has no children. He never wanted children. My other child is married and has 3 children. My grandchildren have given me great joy. I would like to include my grandchildren in our will, but I am unsure how to do it. I don't think that it is fair to give my son less, because he chose not to have children. However, should I give my daughter less, when she chose to have children? What would you suggest?

It is really up to you... what do YOU want to happen...

I am sure if 100 people gave an answer you would have 100 answers..

As Souschef has suggested, you can set up something for their education and then leave the rest to your two kids...


BUT, you want to make sure that if son with kids dies before you that his inheritance goes to your grand kids.... it is not automatic.... if there is no language in the will and one beneficiary dies before you do... then it is as they never existed.... so in your case the whole estate would go to son with no kids....

 

[old woman]

I have my boyfriend on my ROTH but talked him into making my nephew his heir so if I died and then him my family would get all the money back he didn't spend. He doesn't have family and I didn't want to leave him so much it went to the state.

 

[jollystomper]

A a lot depends on the relationship among the siblings. The only thing from my parents estate they did not want divided evenly was their house. When they were alive both Dad and Mom had stated that, if we were to sell their house, each daughter (3) would get 20% of the net proceeds, and each son (4) would be 10%. Their feelings were that the daughters would be in more danger of financial risk than their sons.

We are fine with this - in all honesty I never considered getting ANYTHING from my parents from an financial perspective, since I had done so much better than they had. There were also other unexpected monies each left when they died (Dad about 22 years ago, Mom 2 years ago) that were divided evenly (one tier for their kids, a second tier for their grandkids).

The biggest "disagreement" we had was one brother asking if we should give the sister who took on the majority of additional care for our mother in her last years a larger share of any house proceeds. Eventually we agreed to keep things as our parents wanted it (and that sister later said she would have refused any change since for her that time with mom was such a blessing).

 

[Dreamer]

I have the same situation. One son has 2 children, the other has none. I divide everything equally for the 2 sons. However, I set up 529s for both my grandsons.
Also, I am splitting my RMD every year among my 2 sons and my wife's 2 sons. My late mom always said to give it to them while you are alive so they can thank you.

I am leaning toward dividing between my 2 children also. I have set up 529s for my 2 granddaughters, but need to get busy starting one for my grandson that was born 5/31/16. We have not reached the age for RMDs yet, but I like your suggestions. Thanks.

 

[Dreamer]

BUT, you want to make sure that if son with kids dies before you that his inheritance goes to your grand kids.... it is not automatic.... if there is no language in the will and one beneficiary dies before you do... then it is as they never existed.... so in your case the whole estate would go to son with no kids....

I did not know this. We were in our early 20's when our will was made. We did not have any children then, lived in a different state and several people named in our will are deceased now. We really need to get our will updated! Thanks.