Contemplating divorce.....

[daylatedollarshort]

But be ready to hide YOUR assets in case she gets mad.

And if you do hide assets don't ask one of her friends to help you. The husband of one of my friends actually did that when they were getting divorced.

 

[bushpilot]

So sorry. I will pray for you, that is all I can offer.

 

[CABarb]

Hurting people hurt people. They are so consumed with their own hurts, habits or hang-ups that they don't recognize how their behavior is affecting others. Maybe some counseling would help if she is willing to seek it.

 

[robnplunder]

Best wishes no matter what you do.



Somethings I learned in relationship:


o some people can't change
o you can't change some people
o life is too short
o life is what you make it

 

[iloveyoga]

We live together mostly like roommates. Not sure if this is more common than I know for people in their mid 50's who have been together for 20 years? Not a lot of passion or even affection the last 5 years.

If you want passion and affection, at any age or length of relationship, you deserve it.

 

[EastWest Gal]

2nd marriage here. Got a post nup this time, pre nups have a loop hole for you to lose. Allot of people stay in bad relationships because of a costly divorce. Others stay as i think you are because they do love the other person. Tell her how you feel and that you want to work it out if she is willing. But be ready to hide YOUR assets in case she gets mad.

Hide your assets from your spouse of 20 years? Now that’s bad advice. One can be hit with civil and even criminal penalties (perjury, for one). Please don’t do this.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

The best thing I did was get therapy for MYSELF. XH went a few times too, but it was immensely helpful to have a disinterested party's opinion. It was enormously enlightening. I went with every intention of fixing my marriage (DH was perfectly fine with the way things were) and was shocked at the therapists insights. It made me understand the issues in that marriage much more clearly and I felt much better about the decision I made. I also continued therapy for a while. I wanted to make sure whatever led me to make a poor choice of partner the first time didn't ever happen again! It was worth every penny I paid for that therapy.

Good luck- divorce is awful.

 

[Sunset]

Hide your assets from your spouse of 20 years? Now that’s bad advice. One can be hit with civil and even criminal penalties (perjury, for one). Please don’t do this.

Nope, it's a civil matter, very different from criminal.

 

[GravitySucks]

Nope, it's a civil matter, very different from criminal.

INAL, but according to Quora:
Perjury is falsifying statements under Oath before an Officer of Court or a Jury of Peers. Regardless of it being a civil case or a criminal case - Perjury is a crime and is punishable.

If it didn't go so far as perjury, I believe most judges would look down on aggressive hiding and take it out on the purpitrater.

 

[hopefullyoneday]

The best thing I did was get therapy for MYSELF. XH went a few times too, but it was immensely helpful to have a disinterested party's opinion. It was enormously enlightening. I went with every intention of fixing my marriage (DH was perfectly fine with the way things were) and was shocked at the therapists insights. It made me understand the issues in that marriage much more clearly and I felt much better about the decision I made. I also continued therapy for a while. I wanted to make sure whatever led me to make a poor choice of partner the first time didn't ever happen again! It was worth every penny I paid for that therapy.

Good luck- divorce is awful.

Current wife and i went to therapy a few times because we see things differently and each want to control things. Therapist listened for a few sessions never offering any advice. Then after a few sessions he gave us projects to do at home together which did not get complete or got completed with arguing. He continued to give us projects to do and never offered any advice as to who may be right or wrong or how to work together. After about 6 sessions we stop going. We must have got a bad one.
We are still together and do projects on our own but call on the other one if we need help.

 

[Teacher Terry]

You didn’t have a good therapist. They don’t give advice but they should help the couple to solve the problems. The reason is because 10 people can have the same problem and each has a different solution. They should help the couple to figure out what is right for them as a couple.

 

[hopefullyoneday]

You didn’t have a good therapist. They don’t give advice but they should help the couple to solve the problems. The reason is because 10 people can have the same problem and each has a different solution. They should help the couple to figure out what is right for them as a couple.

I don't understand, How can they help you if they don't give advice.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I was a therapist at one point in my life. They listen to both of you talk about the problem and brainstorm solutions to find the one that works for both of you. If I tell you how I would solve the problem that may not work for you.

 

[Omega]

Sorry you are going through this. As someone who has been separated for a year, my advice is to just try to be true to yourself.

 

[MarieIG]

I capitalized HIS assets. IE something he had b4 marriage or paid for just from his saving or side job. If YOU think she deserves that stuff than YOU are one of the reasons why men don't get married anymore.

The objectionable word here is "hide". It has nothing to do with who deserves what.

A party to a divorce can claim, and perhaps rightly so, that his/her assets are not marital property, however, during litigated divorces, the parties are frequently required to execute sworn statements of net worth (or the equivalent) - potentially including a lookback period, listing all their assets/ income, of whatever source.

The Courts frown very strongly on "hiding" assets during divorce proceedings whether or not marital property.

Anyway, OP sounds like a very reasonable person and I wish him the best during this difficult time.

 

[HI Bill]

From a retirement standpoint, although not in a 50/50 state, I would want to take all assets and divide 50/50. Liabilities, as I have higher income (~50%) I would take 75% of those, which are not a lot. Still, this would definitely impact the type of retirement we would have, both of us.

All I can say is, don't give up more than you have to. If you have pre-marital assets, be sure to preserve those. I understand not wanting to fight over finances, wanting out, and wanting to be fair. I don't understand being willing to give away the farm. Best wishes.

 

[hopefullyoneday]

The objectionable word here is "hide". It has nothing to do with who deserves what.

A party to a divorce can claim, and perhaps rightly so, that his/her assets are not marital property, however, during litigated divorces, the parties are frequently required to execute sworn statements of net worth (or the equivalent) - potentially including a lookback period, listing all their assets/ income, of whatever source.

The Courts frown very strongly on "hiding" assets during divorce proceedings whether or not marital property.

Anyway, OP sounds like a very reasonable person and I wish him the best during this difficult time.

good info, thank you

 

[Tiger8693]

Lots of good info. And yes, if I chose this route I will be open concerning finances, etc. I am not out to go broke, but we have shared things for 20 years and I want to be fair. I don't want her to "live large" while I struggle, but don't want the opposite either. I am pretty sure she will feel the same.

 

[aja8888]

One point about splitting community property.....in no way is it always a 50/50 split of assets. It depends on the state you are in, the mood of the judge/court, what you can negotiate, and the "needs" of the parties.

Ask me how I know. And also ask your attorney.

Also, be careful entering into a divorce situation as your opponent may quickly become your worst enemy.

 

[corn18]

I'm just imagining some of these posts being looked at by a lawyer and used out of context. Makes me cringe.

 

[CowgirlUp]

I agree with everyone that suggested therapy. If you don’t go as a couple....definitely at least go for individual therapy. Your wife sounds as if she has mental health issues that have gone untreated and if she won’t go help herself, there is no way you’ll ever be able to make her. I understand wanting some peace in your life as well as compassion, understanding and a stress free retirement and life. Do what is best for yourself. Personally I would want a change in the relationship and if that doesn’t happen I would get out. Best of luck to you. JMHO

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

One point about splitting community property.....in no way is it always a 50/50 split of assets. It depends on the state you are in, the mood of the judge/court, what you can negotiate, and the "needs" of the parties.

Ask me how I know. And also ask your attorney.

Also, be careful entering into a divorce situation as your opponent may quickly become your worst enemy.

Micheal Strahan was worth 17 million, got divorced and was worth 4 million.

 

[Silver]

Divorce isn't always adversarial. I was 55 years old when my XH and I had grown apart, and he fell in love with someone else. He wasn't honest about it for some time, but I had friends....and they observed....you get the picture.

I very sadly filed for divorce knowing if the marriage wasn't good for him, it couldn't be right for me either. We split what we had. I gave in some and so did he. I used a paralegal to file the papers and the entire process cost less than $200.

He remarried his new love, but died 4 years later of brain cancer. I grieved a great deal and was so sad that they had such a short time together. I loved him and only wished him well.

I also remarried and am so very happy. My DH and I both actively attend to our relationship to keep it strong and involving. I don't regret the divorce...it opened up to a better path forward.

 

[Sunset]

Divorce isn't always adversarial. I was 55 years old when my XH and I had grown apart, and he fell in love with someone else. He wasn't honest about it for some time, but I had friends....and they observed....you get the picture.

I very sadly filed for divorce knowing if the marriage wasn't good for him, it couldn't be right for me either. We split what we had. I gave in some and so did he. I used a paralegal to file the papers and the entire process cost less than $200.

He remarried his new love, but died 4 years later of brain cancer. I grieved a great deal and was so sad that they had such a short time together. I loved him and only wished him well.

I also remarried and am so very happy. My DH and I both actively attend to our relationship to keep it strong and involving. I don't regret the divorce...it opened up to a better path forward.

In many ways this is a lovely story. I am happy for you.

Sometimes I wish my x would die, as retribution for all the hell I was put through, that lingers on in the children.

 

[athena53]

One point about splitting community property.....in no way is it always a 50/50 split of assets. It depends on the state you are in, the mood of the judge/court, what you can negotiate, and the "needs" of the parties.

Ask me how I know. And also ask your attorney.

I'm not a lawyer but was divorced in 1997 in NJ. It was acrimonious but in the end we worked with our attorneys to put together a Property Settlement and bring it before the judge, who reviewed it, determined that we had entered into it freely, and issued a decree of Divorce. There were a lot of things on both sides that weren't 50-50 splits but it was what we agreed to. My Ex's Aunt came to hold his hand during the negotiations and she's such a reasonable woman that BOTH lawyers were happy she was there!

If it's a possibility in your state and in your circumstances, I highly recommend this route. You both maintain some control and it keeps the costs down.