DW Passed Away, 3 months before FIRE. What now?

[Rambler]

My condolences for your loss Bree. I talked with my own DW about it last night, and it really strengthened our reasons for wanting to FIRE as quickly as we can, as we never know how long we have left on this earth to build memories to cherish in case the unthinkable happens.

If you are already a spiritual or religious person, the only advice I could give would be to pray for comfort, and understanding. I do not wish to offend those who are not religious, but I believe that heartfelt prayer really can help, especially in times of grief. Again my condolences, and heartfelt wishes for the speedy recovery of your own heavy heart.

R

 

[unclemick]

My condolences Bree. I can't add too much to many of the thoughts expressed already in this thread.

heh heh heh - hang in there.

 

[Meadbh]

This is so sad. My sincere condolences.

 

[Bree]

Thanks for the replies everyone, especially the words from those who have gone through something similar.

I like the idea of getting out to get some sun - I've been in the basement for about a month - not feeling too up to social outings. I've been sleeping at weird times as well, so nice to know that something like that is to be expected.

Advice for other people..umm - Just enjoy your time, and don't be too proud to be the person to clear the air and set things back on track if you're in a rough patch.

I've been trying to book some trips and remove the 'should' from my thinking and visiting friends i had been meaning to visit for few years.

Thanks again - appreciate it much

Bree

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

Advice for other people..umm - Just enjoy your time, and don't be too proud to be the person to clear the air and set things back on track if you're in a rough patch.

That's a good reminder. Thanks.

 

[retire@40]

We've all had our own deep personal losses, or we will at some point.

The best advice I can give to anyone who is looking for advice is that one of the hardest things to do in life is to pick yourself up when you are down and out, but that is exactly the point in your life when you need to be the strongest.

If the situation were reversed, I'm sure you would tell your loved one to go on and live life to the fullest. That is what you need to do yourself.

 

[Westernskies]

My sincere condolences for your loss. I wish you the very best going forward, and please keep us posted how you are doing.

 

[Moemg]

Bree , I also want to reinforce what others have said do not make any major decisions for at least a year no matter how good an idea they seem .

 

[Urchina]

Bree, I am so sorry.

Good luck in this next difficult year.

Having never lost someone close to me, I don't have road-tested advice, but it might make sense, if you can, to prepare emotionally for significant dates in your year ahead. I'm thinking: what can you do to prepare for your DW's birthday, your anniversary, Christmas, etc. Planning ahead for support and activity (or quietude) during those times might make them easier or more meaningful.

 

[bright eyed]

Thanks for the replies everyone, especially the words from those who have gone through something similar.

I like the idea of getting out to get some sun - I've been in the basement for about a month - not feeling too up to social outings. I've been sleeping at weird times as well, so nice to know that something like that is to be expected.

Advice for other people..umm - Just enjoy your time, and don't be too proud to be the person to clear the air and set things back on track if you're in a rough patch.

I've been trying to book some trips and remove the 'should' from my thinking and visiting friends i had been meaning to visit for few years.

Thanks again - appreciate it much

Bree

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, what a tough blow!

Good for you for getting out - sunshine and friendship are great for keeping your spirits up.

Remember to be patient with yourself, let yourself be sad and tell your friends - or have someone you can lean on.

Since you two had such a great plan already at a relatively young age, it seems you will find your way just fine. Best of luck to you...

 

[Achiever51]

Bree, so sorry for your loss. And thanks for your advice about taking time to value today.

I lost my mom very suddenly more than 14 years ago and the shock lasted for months, before the grieving could even begin. About a year later, I remember looking back at some things I wrote during the year and I couldn't even recall the date or the event. Don't be surprised to have all kinds of emotions wash over you -- sometimes when you least expect it -- as you come to grips with your loss.

 

[lets-retire]

My deepest condolences. While I have not lot my DW, yet, not long ago she was diagnosed with a brain tumor that expected to shorten her life drastically. Recently she began a rapid decline in health and is not expected to recover in any meaningful way. In attempting to prepare for her passing I have started relying on friends, family, and my own research (unfortunately limited to the web because I don't feel comfortable having the dealing with death books around for her to see) to help cope. I wish you the best, and sorry I could not offer more assistance.

 

[Moemg]

Lets -retire , I am sorry for your troubles . The time before is as difficult as the time after . Please take care of yourself as well as your wife .

 

[joesxm3]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[SarahW]

Bree, my sincerest condolences to you.

 

[SecondCor521]

Bree, first my condolences. I have lost two children and gone through an unwanted divorce. The one bit of advice I didn't read in the thread is this: be mentally prepared for setbacks. Although in general you will recover over time, there will be times when you seem to go backwards. These times may come at "obvious" times such as her birthday, or your anniversary, or they may just...well, happen for no obvious rhyme or reason. When they come, be kind and patient and accepting with/of yourself (and surround yourself with like-minded caring people) and just know that the road you're traveling is not a straight one.

I would also say that you may encounter people who will expect you to get over her sooner than it really takes. FWIW, it took me about five years to mostly get over the deaths of my children, and I think getting over my divorce will take about the same amount of time. Regardless of whether it takes you five months, five years, or some other amount of time, just take whatever time you need.

2Cor521

 

[Zoocat]

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss, Bree. I went though an unwanted divorce and it's taken me about four years to start really feeling like myself again. I am a reader and if you are one too, you might find these books helpful.

Any and all books by Pema Chodron, but especially "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times."

There's really no way to escape pain and grief, I've discovered. Some people will tell you to "stay busy" or "find another love." Those are distractions. You just have to let the grief be what it is. Don't try to evade it. Eventually the pain will not be so devastating. The more you experience it now, the stronger you will be in the future. Trust in that.