family member asking for money - domestic violence issue :-(((

[chris2008]

She is lucky to have you in her life.

 

[TromboneAl]

Good job!

 

[antmary]

SG,
You really stepped up to the plate

I think it's crucial for you to take good care of yourself. It is very emotionally draining to be exposed to a crisis of this sort. I have gone through a similar family situation, and found that it was important for me to surround myself with healthy people who were able to support me, the "helper."

I also had to let go of my expectations for the victim. I wanted to jump in and fix the people involved; for my own sanity I had to realize that people are going to do what they do whether I am involved or not. I needed to emotionally detach - then, I didn't feel like the remedy was "all on me."

 

[Bestwifeever]

Putting a cigarette out on her? Whoa. I'm so impressed, SG, that you don't see this as being only about the money but are putting her safety and her future first. She needs (and I can tell is so appreciative of) your helpful emotional and strategic support and so wonderful of you to provide that too.

I hope someone as abusive as her husband is too stupid to realize that he can break a window to get into a house he doesn't have a key too. And I hope his mother sees that her grandchildren are at risk from him and doesn't support his "side" of the story.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Putting a cigarette out on her? Whoa. I'm so impressed, SG, that you don't see this as being only about the money but are putting her safety and her future first. She needs (and I can tell is so appreciative of) your helpful emotional and strategic support and so wonderful of you to provide that too.

I hope someone as abusive as her husband is too stupid to realize that he can break a window to get into a house he doesn't have a key to. And I hope his mother sees that her grandchildren are at risk from him and doesn't support his "side" of the story.

 

[simple girl]

Thank you all for the support and kind words. We definitely feel better about this whole thing now. It's not over by any stretch of the imagination, but at least we feel like we are doing more than just throwing money at it and then putting our head in the sand.

SG,
You really stepped up to the plate

I think it's crucial for you to take good care of yourself. It is very emotionally draining to be exposed to a crisis of this sort. I have gone through a similar family situation, and found that it was important for me to surround myself with healthy people who were able to support me, the "helper."

I also had to let go of my expectations for the victim. I wanted to jump in and fix the people involved; for my own sanity I had to realize that people are going to do what they do whether I am involved or not. I needed to emotionally detach - then, I didn't feel like the remedy was "all on me."

Thanks so much Antmary. This board has been very helpful to us. I'll be calling some close friends this weekend to vent a bit, too, as needed. And, I will work on those expectations...knowing myself...the control freak and "fixer", this type of situation pushes all my buttons. I'm not so good at detachment, LOL, but much better than I used to be!

Putting a cigarette out on her? Whoa. I'm so impressed, SG, that you don't see this as being only about the money but are putting her safety and her future first. She needs (and I can tell is so appreciative of) your helpful emotional and strategic support and so wonderful of you to provide that too.

I hope someone as abusive as her husband is too stupid to realize that he can break a window to get into a house he doesn't have a key too. And I hope his mother sees that her grandchildren are at risk from him and doesn't support his "side" of the story.

Unfortunately, she told us that in the past he has broken in through a window. Her brother had been staying with her as protection (he's a TOUGH guy!), but she asked him to leave despite our advice to the contrary...still don't think she truly understands her x's potential for violence...but...we made our point as best we could...trying to detach!!! LOL.

Oh, and the x's mother is a real piece of work. Always takes her son's side. When they served him the protection order papers, my niece was required to ride along in the police car to his mother's house. His mother started screaming that since she was in the police car less than 50' feet away "Shouldn't SHE be arrested?" Good grief. So ridiculous all you can do is shake your head. I'm sure she's got him lawyered up for the custody hearing next week. Hoping my niece's public lawyer is good....

 

[MBAustin]

You two are good folks, SG. She is in a truly tough spot and it is so hard to get any clarity in a crisis like that. Your ability to cut through the chaos is incredibly valuable to her, even if she can't articulate it.

+1

Good luck to you and your niece, SG.

 

[Brat]

The husband's lawyer will try to convey that wife is an air head. (My sister went through this.) Your niece needs to be prepared for this, maybe make a list of the assaults she has suffered so she doesn't freeze. A scar from a cigarette burn and copies of medical records for treatment of injuries can also be helpful. I doubt she thought to photo the broken window but any records she has from that incident (including police report, if in a rental then the property owner records) supports her claims of uncontrolled anger.

 

[Texas Proud]

Unfortunately, she told us that in the past he has broken in through a window. Her brother had been staying with her as protection (he's a TOUGH guy!), but she asked him to leave despite our advice to the contrary...still don't think she truly understands her x's potential for violence...but...we made our point as best we could...trying to detach!!! LOL.

Oh, and the x's mother is a real piece of work. Always takes her son's side. When they served him the protection order papers, my niece was required to ride along in the police car to his mother's house. His mother started screaming that since she was in the police car less than 50' feet away "Shouldn't SHE be arrested?" Good grief. So ridiculous all you can do is shake your head. I'm sure she's got him lawyered up for the custody hearing next week. Hoping my niece's public lawyer is good....

Has the husband shown anger and signs of aggression to others

Please make her aware of the potential for violence.... many years ago there was a co-worker who was gunned down outside of work... I did not know her, but still...

 

[Dawg52]

Sorry to hear about your problem but you seem to be handling it well . I would definetely give her money to stay safe but not if she was going right back into the situation.

Agree. Best of luck with a tough situation.

Edit:I now see the update. Very good job!

 

[simple girl]

The husband's lawyer will try to convey that wife is an air head. (My sister went through this.) Your niece needs to be prepared for this, maybe make a list of the assaults she has suffered so she doesn't freeze. A scar from a cigarette burn and copies of medical records for treatment of injuries can also be helpful. I doubt she thought to photo the broken window but any records she has from that incident (including police report, if in a rental then the property owner records) supports her claims of uncontrolled anger.

Thanks Brat. I will definitely give her a heads up on this!

Has the husband shown anger and signs of aggression to others

Please make her aware of the potential for violence.... many years ago there was a co-worker who was gunned down outside of work... I did not know her, but still...

He was aggressive when the cops took him out. I think it took 6 cops to get him down; they hog-tied him and carried him out to the police car. He was crazy drunk. I don't know if he has been aggressive towards others.

We have indeed emphasized to her his potential for violence and told her how her answers to the risk assessment placed her at much extra risk for homicide than other victims of domestic violence. We also educated her that studies have shown that domestic violence women are good at predicting future assault potential, but not homicide potential - basically, they underestimate the real danger they are in. We told her that he has access to a gun, knows where she and the kids live, knows where she goes to school, and could easily walk up and shoot any of them. She acknowledged all of this, but I still don't think she accepts that he has the potential to murder. (She did, however, have a panic attack last night and barely slept. Guess maybe our info got through partially on some level. Poor thing, she is so traumatized.) I don't think there is anything else we can say. All we can do is hope and pray nothing happens.

 

[Nemo2]

Below is a post I made on another site earlier this year:

Back when my first wife was making the transition from Skip Tracer/Collector to Social Worker she manned an Assault Hotline for women, (the calls were redirected to our place)......one woman called and said her husband was late, he'd been out drinking, and was bound to follow an established pattern of hurling whatever she'd cooked for dinner at the wall before punching her out.

My wife told her to leave the house immediately and that she'd arrange for the woman to be put up at a local Toronto shelter, (Nelly's/Nellie's at the time, I believe).

The woman kept saying "But, but...we have a nice house and a POOL and I've made lasagna".

And that's how a half-hour, or longer, call ended.....the woman refused to help herself because it was, apparently, a small price to pay in order to live in a house with a pool.

How do you help people such as this?

I appreciate that your niece's situation may not be identical but there does, unfortunately, appear to be commonalities among women in this position.......they think that somehow things will magically 'work out', when in actuality they usually get worse.

 

[simple girl]

Below is a post I made on another site earlier this year:

I appreciate that your niece's situation may not be identical but there does, unfortunately, appear to be commonalities among women in this position.......they think that somehow things will magically 'work out', when in actuality they usually get worse.

Yep. It's surely frustrating, and worriesome! Gee, I sure got that detachment thing down, don't I?

DH tried to convince her that things were not important vs. safety/living - but it didn't sink in.

 

[growing_older]

Wants to keep life as "normal" as possible for the kids.

There is no such thing. Normal appears to be threats, violence and danger. She isn't thinking straight if she wants to preserve "normal" for her kids. There is no normal left in the situation.

Putting a cigarette out on her? he threatened to kill the entire family; he has tried to strangle her in the past; She also told us about some terrible verbal abuse; yes, he does have access to a gun. she told us that in the past he has broken in through a window. He was aggressive when the cops took him out. I think it took 6 cops to get him down;

Get out. Get out now. This is a very unsafe and unstable situation and the risk is unthinkably bad. If you care for this woman and her kids, this is not about the money. This is not about advising her to talk to cops or shelters. She needs to get to a safe place. If he knows where she is, or where the kids are, it is not a safe place. That includes their old school. Maybe he's rational and lucid sometimes, but we also know that sometimes he gets crazy drunk and acts out in unpredictable and violent ways. This is not safe. They are not safe. Nothing "normal" is safe for them.

 

[simple girl]

There is no such thing. Normal appears to be threats, violence and danger. She isn't thinking straight if she wants to preserve "normal" for her kids. There is no normal left in the situation.

Get out. Get out now. This is a very unsafe and unstable situation and the risk is unthinkably bad. If you care for this woman and her kids, this is not about the money. This is not about advising her to talk to cops or shelters. She needs to get to a safe place. If he knows where she is, or where the kids are, it is not a safe place. That includes their old school. Maybe he's rational and lucid sometimes, but we also know that sometimes he gets crazy drunk and acts out in unpredictable and violent ways. This is not safe. They are not safe. Nothing "normal" is safe for them.

Growing_older, I hear you and understand your concern. Please read the entire thread, and you will see I have the same thoughts, but no control over her reaction to the situation. I have done the best I could.

 

[easysurfer]

Simple Girl,

Hope things work out for her. Been awhile (about 20 years) but I used to volunteer on a hotline to provide support for victims of domestic violence. Some things to keep in mind (if you haven't already realized), yes, the number one thing is safety. Sounds like she isn't ready to leave the house yet, but hopefully she would have an emergency duffle bag or something packed (clothes, important papers, phone numbers, any cash) and hidden away so when the time comes, she can just grab the duffle. Another thing is to remember that an order of protection is still just a paper. In otherwords, if someone is stalking, intent on hurting someone they still would try order or no order. Also, I do recall that in some states, the state can file charges. This was done because what happened in the past would the victim would be confused, call the police, then the abuser would talk her out of filing charges..the the cycle would repeat again.

Hopes things turn out okay.

 

[Brat]

I think it is very difficult for battered women to extricate themselves. There are emotional and economic forces at play here. You and I would run like he*l but their thoughts are all a jumble.

Personally I would first shelter the children, they are the most vulnerable and can't make decisions for themselves. If the adults implode it was the result of their decisions. Send the kids to summer camp for as long as possible.

 

[easysurfer]

Quick link about the cycle of violence...and steps the help break free

Domestic Violence Cycle

 

[easysurfer]

Yep. It's surely frustrating, and worriesome! Gee, I sure got that detachment thing down, don't I?

DH tried to convince her that things were not important vs. safety/living - but it didn't sink in.

Back when I used to volunteer, the leaders at the agency would say things like we can't picture that it's our job to save the victims but to empower them to take control of their own lives. So, even if this time, they aren't out of the domestic violence cycle, then hopefully a seed is planted in them, that perhaps next time or a time after that eventually the victims see a possibility diffferent from where they are currently at.

 

[bbbamI]

I have done the best I could.

Yes....you have. I'm proud of you.

 

[growing_older]

I have read the thread and know how limited your control is. I was just trying to pull out of what had been said the key phrases that I thought described how much risk there really is here. I know (sadly) how seeing that from the outside does not necessarily translate into being able to do anything about it. It can be a long and difficult road for people trying to help too. Glad you are there trying.

 

[simple girl]

Thanks so much everyone - your ongoing support is much appreciated!!!

Back when I used to volunteer, the leaders at the agency would say things like we can't picture that it's our job to save the victims but to empower them to take control of their own lives. So, even if this time, they aren't out of the domestic violence cycle, then hopefully a seed is planted in them, that perhaps next time or a time after that eventually the victims see a possibility diffferent from where they are currently at.

That really helps to think of it that way. I can already see that what she learned the last time this happened is in her brain, and she is using it this time as she recovers. She said to us "I thought I had learned all I needed and was doing fine...guess I was wrong. I've still got a lot to learn." She definitely is trying and has potential and is so appreciative. We are keeping our fingers crossed. She's such a good girl and loves her kids dearly. Hope the fog in her head clears soon.

I have read the thread and know how limited your control is. I was just trying to pull out of what had been said the key phrases that I thought described how much risk there really is here. I know (sadly) how seeing that from the outside does not necessarily translate into being able to do anything about it. It can be a long and difficult road for people trying to help too. Glad you are there trying.

Thanks growing_older - not being able to handle it the way that obviously is best/safest for all sure is frustrating...and scary. So glad you can see we are doing all that we can/know to do. I appreciate your support!

 

[Amethyst]

Thanks for the update.

Your niece is thinking and acting (getting the food stamps, getting a job offer, deliberately living within her small means) and best of all, she's continuing to talk freely and openly with you all. It does sound like there is hope.

Think of what it would be like for her if she didn't have good people who care for her...You and your husband are very, very good people.

Amethyst

 

[Walt34]

simple girl:

Your niece is lucky to have you in her life. I hope she is able to find her way out of this.

I also believe your niece is in danger. I'm retired law enforcement, and the pattern is that (as others have posted) he comes back with the "I'm-so-sorry-what-was-I thinking" routine. If she buys that, it only gets worse. He's already tried to strangle her and burned her. How much worse can it get? At best next time she'll need hospital care. At worst he'll kill her.

And if she takes him back things will never be normal because then he knows how much he can get away with. I'm sure she knows that on an intellectual level but she needs to know deep down that her and her kid's survival depends on her getting out of that relationship.

 

[KM]

Simplegirl,

I walked (somewhat) in your shoes about 20 years ago. My sister was married to an abusive man (always verbal, never physical). She "left him" many times, but always went back to him. She had 4 young children, 2 by him, when she left again. He found her at our grandmother's, broke in, and tried to kill her in front of the 4 children and my elderly grandmother. My sister was on the phone with a family friend at the time, who overheard the screaming when he started to break in - so she called the police immediately. Good thing, as when they arrived, he was on top of her, choking her, the kids screaming and crying. They dragged him off in handcuffs.

When I saw her the next day she was covered (and I mean covered) in bruises where he had beat her before trying to choke her. We sent her away to a crisis shelter, which was over an hour away from home. She was hysterical, as she said she would "never be able to come home again". I told her she had to go there for a short period of time, because she needed help (education) we couldnt give her. Then we would let her and the 4 children stay with us for a while, until she got on her feet. (I also told DH he could drink as much as he wanted during that time ). We had 2 young children of our own - but we found the room. The only rule we had was she was not to see him under any condition. The courts were very good about denying visitation with the children.....

He served a short period of time in jail and then started trying to get back with her as soon as he was released. He knew better than to come by our house....DH owns numerous hunting rifles and neither of us would have hestitated to use him for target practice - and he knew it.

She lived with us for 3.5 months and then we helped her find her own place. It didn't get any easier for her (although he never tried to break into her place) and there were times when I thought she might go back with him. But I went to each and every court hearing with her and was standing by her side each time he arrived. She eventually held strong. I'd like to think the support we gave her helped. She eventually remarried....a much nicer guy.

Anyway - the point of the long story is, as you probably already know, you cant stop her from going back - but hopefully this was the last straw for her. If you can help out a little, it may be all she needs. I am not much for lending anyone money - but in this case - yeah, I would do it. If she took him back again, though, she would know it would the last time I would provide money. It is so hard for many of these women to walk away from these situations without support from some family member or close friend. And by the time many of them are in a life-death situation - they have no family members or friends. The boyfriend or husband has already seen to that....

Good Luck and kudos to you and your husband for being there for her and the children. You might just be saving their lives.