FIRE soon, feeling angst

[steady saver]

It's been a while since I last posted.
DH is set to retire by end of this coming Feb. I have my own practice (part-time, flexible) but can phase that out pretty easily if I wish. I don't know if "I wish" or not...

DH is thrilled about retirement. All of a sudden, I'm in more of a panic mode. We've worked hard for many years for DH to be able to retire early (he will turn 56 this Dec.). We are masters at delayed gratification and we are accustomed to dealing with challenges and "too much to do." The funny thing is what I have said to myself for years is that I just want everything to stop for a while. And so, in a way, it will soon. At least the deadlines and time pressures will.

I find myself feeling a lot of angst.

I'm at a crossroads of being grateful and thrilled for this time, and panicking that we are on a downhill trajectory from here on out. I know that is NOT true b/c I see all of you show up here everyday sharing your lives of activity and peace and autonomy (and sure, everyday hassles...). It's just that we've worked so hard, the last kid just finished college and all of a sudden the pressures are potentially ending along with feelings of connection to things and people.

I know it's a great first world problem to have and I'm kind of cringing if I come across as complaining. It's not that. It's more of a "wow, what next?" I thought we had it all figured out...we wanted to spend more time on our small farm about an hour and 45 min. away, and potentially move there permanently after a year or so. We'd finally be able to do all those things we've been wanting to do but couldn't b/c of time constraints. But while that sounds good on one hand, on the other hand I'm thinking I want to be around more people. I don't want to own two places. And I have spent way too much time this weekend looking up places to retire with great weather, in a progressive environment with lots of natural beauty. But I don't want to just move somewhere random.

I've considered the Hill Country (TX) b/c both of my sons like the Austin area and may end up there. It's still hot and humid there and I already have that so I'm not necessarily gaining much in that area. But it's sure prettier there and I could find a lake...

So, why am I posting? I guess I would just like to know how any of you who may have found yourself in a similar situation, i.e. worked hard, planned, delayed gratification...were able to move on and embrace and enjoy that next chapter of your lives? I feel almost overwhelmed with possibility and while I know I should be excited, I simply feel immobilized.

 

[catotx]

I too have anxiety when I wanted to ER. I even posted it here:

http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f29/getting-cold-feet-81574.html

In the end, it got delayed by a year and all is well.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

So, why am I posting? I guess I would just like to know how any of you who may have found yourself in a similar situation, i.e. worked hard, planned, delayed gratification...were able to move on and embrace and enjoy that next chapter of your lives? I feel almost overwhelmed with possibility and while I know I should be excited, I simply feel immobilized.

I find it difficult to put into words, but in a single word..."FREEDOM".

The freedom to pretty much do ANYTHING you want, when you want, and without anyone telling you that "you can't do that!". It is the most liberating thing I have EVER EVER experienced in life. Lots of folks fear the unknown, or how they will manage their time...I found that I am in a far better position to determine what I am going to do on a daily basis than ANYONE ELSE. Even if you own your own business, you are still obligated to your clients...which really just doesn't work for me. I have found that I am VERY good at occupying my time and the sad fact of the matter is I rarely get stuff done that I would like to get done...at this point I can't even imagine what I would do if I had a w*rk commitment.

When friends ask me what it's like to be retired, I ask them if they remember the joy/fun/excitement they had during summer break from school when they were kids. Well, of course they do...and it was fantastic, right? Now imagine doing that without having to worry about "being in before the street light comes on!" or that sense of dread when the summer came to a close and the school bell rang so early on that first day of school. Remember how terrible that was? Well...imagine NEVER having to be in your seat when the bell rings. THAT is retirement for me.

 

[steady saver]

I too have anxiety when I wanted to ER. I even posted it here:

http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f29/getting-cold-feet-81574.html

In the end, it got delayed by a year and all is well.

catotx,
Ours was delayed a good year too, and in many ways the extra year was good to help me be more mentally ready for it. After you retired, did you still feel angst for a while? Did it just slowly go away or did it just disappear once you pulled the plug?
I think I just struggle with wanting this next chapter to feel like I have a purpose...and I want to be able to get to the point where just living and being and enjoying life is a good purpose that is just as purposeful as going to work. I'm just so surprised that I feel guilty about it. Because all I've ever really wanted to do is just write, cook, walk on beaches, learn to knit a sweater, have pleasant conversation and maybe chill out enough to want to travel. It takes very little to make me happy.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

catotx,
Ours was delayed a good year too, and in many ways the extra year was good to help me be more mentally ready for it. After you retired, did you still feel angst for a while? Did it just slowly go away or did it just disappear once you pulled the plug?
I think I just struggle with wanting this next chapter to feel like I have a purpose...and I want to be able to get to the point where just living and being and enjoying life is a good purpose that is just as purposeful as going to work. I'm just so surprised that I feel guilty about it. Because all I've ever really wanted to do is just write, cook, walk on beaches, learn to knit a sweater, have pleasant conversation and maybe chill out enough to want to travel. It takes very little to make me happy.

Guilt has its place in life, but sometimes it is a useless human emotion. In the case of retirement, the guilt does NO ONE any good. No one.

I had zero angst and have not had a single day of angst. I have plenty of purpose in life, and fulfilling the needs of others (especially an employer or client!) is a huge waste of my time, which is indeed short.

 

[steady saver]

ExFlyBoy5,

Your post is spot on for me. I remember in graduate school taking a values test and my number one value by far was autonomy. I just want the freedom to do or not to do. And I am struggling with whether to continue to work b/c while it is only part-time at this point, I don't know that I really want the hassle. I love my work on one hand - it's very gratifying - but on the other hand, I don't want to be tied down anymore. I have a friend that is wanting to do weekend retreats/workshops and that part sound like something I'd love doing. So I might do that. Part of me feels like "oh I've got to keep my foot in the door to then be able to attract participants for the workshops" and the other part of me says "screw it. If they come, they come." I'd honestly be doing it more for my own enjoyment than anything. I've been testing that idea in my head lately - the "what if I made decisions based on what brought me joy" rather than making decisions that were mainly based on efficiency and what seems prudent. I'm kind of tired of being prudent. I think I've put enough prudent action into play to get us where we are so maybe I can let up on that for a while.
And yes, oh how I remember staying out until it got dark! All the neighborhood kids playing...I wasn't worrying trying to fit things in my schedule. I was just being a kid.

 

[steady saver]

ExFlyBoy5,
"Guilt is a useless emotion." Ha, my DH has said that for YEARS.
You are both right in this case.

I am going to choose not to feel guilty. Done.

Thank you.

 

[dtbach]

Most humans will have angst about large changes in their lives. The future will be different from your past w*rking life so sure, I can understand anxiety.



But as in all big life changes, just take the plunge. You will quickly get into the new flow of being retired with all the time being YOURS now! It's a great feeling.

 

[catotx]

catotx,
Ours was delayed a good year too, and in many ways the extra year was good to help me be more mentally ready for it. After you retired, did you still feel angst for a while? Did it just slowly go away or did it just disappear once you pulled the plug?
I think I just struggle with wanting this next chapter to feel like I have a purpose...and I want to be able to get to the point where just living and being and enjoying life is a good purpose that is just as purposeful as going to work. I'm just so surprised that I feel guilty about it. Because all I've ever really wanted to do is just write, cook, walk on beaches, learn to knit a sweater, have pleasant conversation and maybe chill out enough to want to travel. It takes very little to make me happy.

I ER'ed end of 2016 and moved in the summer of 2017. My ER was made easier because the company was having a layoff near the end of 2016. I volunteered and received a package.

I don't remember feeling angst when I finally stopped working. But my family did hang around in CA for a few months before deciding that a move from CA to GA was what we really wanted.

If what you wanted are the simple pleasures in life (write, cook, walk on beaches, etc.) I would think that it will be an easy transition for you. In the current "fog", you just don't see it yet. Maybe take a long break to appreciate the freedom you will get.

 

[mystang52]

If the only reason for the fear is the obvious lifestyle change, then maybe the experiences of us here will give you encouragement. If my memory serves me correctly, I have seen literally one person post here about regretting ER.

 

[Fedup]

We didn’t move when we finally retired. We live here in California most our live, so no angst. I certainly had no angst about work. I guess I’m a bum. I did bum around for a year, aka did nothing useful, before signing up for classes. Strictly these classes are for exercise, socialization, and enjoyment.

 

[WyomingLife]

Hear you. "Angst" is my middle name. Two book recommendations, if I may, that could provide philosophical and psychological comfort and insights. They may go some way towards putting your mind at ease. They have helped me.

(1) Frankl, V. "Man's Search for Meaning";

and

(2) Peterson, J. "12 Simple Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos".

 

[steady saver]

Hear you. "Angst" is my middle name. Two book recommendations, if I may, that could provide philosophical and psychological comfort and insights. They may go some way towards putting your mind at ease. They have helped me.

(1) Frankl, V. "Man's Search for Meaning";

and

(2) Peterson, J. "12 Simple Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos".

I have my very old copy of Victor Frankl on my bookshelf and will pull it back out. And thanks to your suggestion, I just put the second book on hold at my library.
I appreciate your suggestions, thank you!

 

[steady saver]

We didn’t move when we finally retired. We live here in California most our live, so no angst. I certainly had no angst about work. I guess I’m a bum. I did bum around for a year, aka did nothing useful, before signing up for classes. Strictly these classes are for exercise, socialization, and enjoyment.

I have a friend who retired about 10 years ago. She is a writing buddy and she would talk about her "year of decompression." My DH and I still refer to that. I do think that my angst is calling for at least permission to have that year. I look forward to taking classes for fun.

When I think about my angst, part of it is that I still have my part-time practice, and while I enjoy my work, we all know that working part-time still takes a chunk of time b/c of scheduling, getting dressed for work, fielding phone calls and emails, etc. I hate dropping something that I actually like, but I almost hate more the thought of hanging on to it. I don't think the income makes up for the energy expended at this point. It would be nice, but according to every calculation I run (and rerun...) both FireCalc and Fidelity say that we are just fine and dandy. I think it's the "purpose" part of work that I am hanging on to.

 

[steady saver]

If the only reason for the fear is the obvious lifestyle change, then maybe the experiences of us here will give you encouragement. If my memory serves me correctly, I have seen literally one person post here about regretting ER.

Yes. It's pretty much the fear of the unknown and in just melting into oblivion, ha.
And I do remember reading that post of regret! Ha, of course I would've caught that one...

I do feel encouraged. And I think that grace period of decompressing will change my perspective. And I don't have to make major changes this first year. In fact, I think taking that off my plate already feels better.

I am going to be reading all of the posts on this forum about how much everyone ENJOYS having moved on to their next chapter.

 

[CindyBlue]

steady saver, I have a lot of the same feelings about retirement as you do. To quote you...
"I'm at a crossroads of being grateful and thrilled for this time, and panicking that we are on a downhill trajectory from here on out." This describes how I feel to a "T"!
I am planning on retiring in about 8 months, and keep saying maybe one more year...my hubby is thinking the same.
I have three major concerns: 1. I love what I do, and, while I won't miss the hassles, I'll miss the feeling of worth, of being useful and feeling needed. 2. Having enough money: I have planned obsessively and have read the posts here at FIRE compulsively for years, and I have decided that I will be able to retire comfortably if not expansively - but there's always the concern that the economy will tank and I'll be in trouble, because I'll be at an age at which, frankly, no one hires people. And 3: Finding enough to do in retirement and not feeling isolated from the world, because a lot of my identity as a person is from my work, and also from THAT I work.
I'm getting there, slowly, and I hope I'm there by the time I have to make the decision to work another year or not (about 6 months from now, when I'll have to notify the powers that be if I'm coming back for another year or not.) As I get closer, the feelings of worry come more often. But I'm trying to diminish those panicky feelings by planning and researching - frankly being obsessive about planning and researching (smile!)
I will be interested to know how it works out for you. Thank you for posting - it's nice to know that I am not alone!

 

[Dtail]

Guilt has its place in life, but sometimes it is a useless human emotion. In the case of retirement, the guilt does NO ONE any good. No one.

I had zero angst and have not had a single day of angst. I have plenty of purpose in life, and fulfilling the needs of others (especially an employer or client!) is a huge waste of my time, which is indeed short.

Big +1. Time to enjoy life. I averaged 65 hour weeks in a high pressure Wall Street managerial role. Don't miss it one bit.
There are various stages of life and retirement especially potentially a 35-40 year stage is to be enjoyed.

 

[pacergal]

OP-- the angst can be a normal part of change. You will find your way.

I, too, had concerns, especially about finances just before I retired. The wonderful folks here reassured me and pointed me to books to continue to educate myself. I retired for a year and then went back on call due to the manager who took my place left suddenly. I enjoyed it at first, but after a while, even going in one day and having the extra $, it was an "imposition" on my freedom! I am back to full retirement mode and loving it!

 

[Walt34]

steady saver, this is perfectly normal. Retirement is a huge change in lifestyle from what most people have been doing for all or at least most of their working lives. It is also usually irreversible. So naturally it kind of "goes against the grain" of how you've been living almost all of your life.

I retired in 2002 and still remember sitting on the back porch and thinking "Where do I go from here?" I had actually liked my job and the people I worked with, but retired out of frustration with traffic in that area and increasing difficulty in getting the ongoing training, equipment and software needed to remain current in that field.

It is a huge adjustment but eventually you'll figure it out.

 

[steady saver]

Cindy Blue - thank you for your post! Yes, it is that fear of falling over the edge into oblivion that can get to me if I let it. But reading others' posts does remind me that this is a normal response to a huge life change. I've never NOT worried about producing in one way or another. Moving from that mindset to a mindset of simply "being" and of enjoying puttering and doing fun things...or not...is such a joy that I guess I almost can't fathom it and that is where the angst tries to come in and shut down my party.
Are you solidly comfortable with your financial footing? If so, then it sounds like you and I are in that "visualizing and exploring" stage of what it's going to look like.
I know my DH is more than ready and that's one big reason I want to retire too. I don't want to be tied down b/c of my work - we really enjoy each other's company. One son will still be living at home until he gets a job...he just graduated from college this past spring.

I will definitely let you know how it works out. He will give his notice by year's end and be out by the end of Feb. I would be letting my office go by year end if I, too, decide to pull the plug.

Thanks again for your input. It's nice to know someone else is currently walking in similar work boots...

 

[steady saver]

steady saver, this is perfectly normal. Retirement is a huge change in lifestyle from what most people have been doing for all or at least most of their working lives. It is also usually irreversible. So naturally it kind of "goes against the grain" of how you've been living almost all of your life.

I retired in 2002 and still remember sitting on the back porch and thinking "Where do I go from here?" I had actually liked my job and the people I worked with, but retired out of frustration with traffic in that area and increasing difficulty in getting the ongoing training, equipment and software needed to remain current in that field.

It is a huge adjustment but eventually you'll figure it out.

Thank you Walt! I like that vision of sitting on my porch. It makes my heart race just a bit right now, but once I cross over, I know I will be so relieved. Thank you for your encouraging words.

 

[CindyBlue]

I will be following your journey - since you will be pulling the plug about 5 months before I do (assuming you go by the end of the year, and that I go in the next year as currently planned!), I will get the benefit of your start-of-retirement experiences (thank you (grin!))
Edited to add: My hubby is having a much harder time thinking about retiring than I am. I read him your beginning post, and I think it's helping him understand that others are feeling the same way, and the maybe retiring won't be so bad (thank you again!)

 

[IMATERP]

I felt that same angst - 9 1/2 months ago. In a nutshell, I had the opportunity to take a buyout a couple of days before my 57th birthday and I am grateful that I was selected as I had not been happy in my work for a number of years. I generally felt frustrated and financial insecurity (and emotional guilt) prevented me from walking away. Anyway, I did so - and am truly much happier 9 1/2 months later.

My angst lasted about three months. I had not constructed a plan for my days. I was so worried about filling my entire day that retirement was just overwhelming.

Simply, I started with a daily walk, then I found a very enjoyable "side hustle," which provided flexibility on my terms. I joined a couple of groups in the 55 and over community that I live in, enjoyed the pool a lot this summer, scheduled four trips with my wife for next year and started filling in the gaps in order to enjoy my days.

Now, I am no longer overwhelmed, have a healthy disposition and just take things in stride. This past Friday I even enjoyed a spa day - hair trim and shampoo, then a massage.

Starting to really live the life I had always planned.

I

 

[Walt34]

Relevant to this thread is a post that member Nords made almost ten years ago. I think it is an ER.org classic:

http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f30/the-fog-of-work-42328.html

 

[steady saver]

Relevant to this thread is a post that member Nords made almost ten years ago. I think it is an ER.org classic:

http://www.early-retirement.org/forums/f30/the-fog-of-work-42328.html

Excellent thread, Walt34. Thank you for linking that. I have always struggled with wanting to simply "be" when I knew I had to get myself to a place of relative security before I could let out that big breath. As a matter of fact, I remember reading Your Money or Your Life in my early 30's and that is what started our whole quest towards ER. We deviated along the way some and we made decisions that reflected our values over 24/7 extreme frugality, but we are here and we've made it. It just kind of makes me sad to see my two sons about to potentially enter into decades of stress and too much work. We've tried to pass along our savings mentality as well as our "balanced life" mentality, but the fact is that we delayed a lot of gratification to be able to retire as we both turn 56. Hoping we can have some degree of positive influence over them as they go through their working lives.