Don't give them everything they ask for. Make them pay for a portion of their higher education...summer jobs, scholarships, or grants. They need to have some skin in the game...
I think that if parents have a "successful" child, it is human nature to think it is because of what they did. So if they made their kids pay for part of college, then that was very important to the success. And, yet, I know plenty of parents who paid for every penny for their children (some even buying them a house to live in during school) and the kids were very successful. And, some who had their kids pay for part of school and the kids are not.
I have seen many situations where children were relatively close in age and were raised similarly and yet one ended up successfully and the other lived with constant disaster.
I certainly think that it is good for parents to reflect their values in how they raise their children. But, I think the impact of all of that and parents in general is far more limited than people think.
A couple of years ago my kids seemed to be struggling. They didn't know what they wanted to do. The one who had a degree in a high paying field didn't want to work in that field. The one without a degree had trouble finding full time work that paid a living wage. Now? They are doing great. The one with a degree is working in a totally different field, but loving it. The one without a degree makes more money than most college graduates of the same age.
Is any of this because of what I did? If I take "credit" for that should I take "blame" for when they struggled? Will it continue? I don't know. But, I think in the end it has more to do with them than anything else.
It's partly luck and what they're born with- really. I define DS as successful- he'll never be a CEO (doubt he wants to be) but he makes a good living as a claims adjuster and supports a family of 5 in a LCOL area. He loves what he does and they keep giving him messier cases to handle. which in that business is a good thing. They've asked for money only when they bought a new-to-them house- it was a modest amount that DS calculated would keep their monthly expenses level and I happily wrote them a check.
Good stuff: he was raised among people who value education and have healthy work ethics, he was expected to go to college, he was reading before he started kindergarten.
Bad stuff: he was NOT a star athlete or active at all, really, was raised in a dysfunctional marriage till my divorce at age 12, Ex was alcoholic, a financial train wreck and was unemployed the last 5 years of the marriage. DS floundered so badly in middle school that I sent him to NY Military Academy for HS (an hour from home) and even though that did him a world of good, he almost flunked out of college. Video games were an escape and he used them too much. His college education was paid for. (Same for my 4 siblings and me and we all ended up in very good jobs with respected degrees and professional credentials even though we had little skin in the game). A combination of a good therapist and finding structure in an evangelical Christian church got him back on track. His first employer started him out PT in Customer service, taking info from people who had totalled their cars and passing it on to claims adjusters. He was a gamble given his GPA but he worked hard and had good people and negotiation skills.
As for the "luck" part- my Ex and his sister were raised in a similar environment- Dad was an entrepreneur, family very wealthy, both expected to go to college. Ex's younger sister became a HUGELY successful entrepreneur in a business she and her second husband founded, ran and eventually wound down.
You try your best.
They are watching everything you do, so your actions speak very loudly.
When DS was in college he worked one summer at a grocery store. If they needed him at 6:30 AM, he was there at 6:30 AM. I told him how proud his stepfather and I were at his work ethic and he said, "Mom, I remember how hard you worked to support us wen you were a single mother". My life as a single mother was far cushier than most- I had a college education, a well-paying job and the occasional business trips with fancy hotels and expense-account restaurants- but it melted my heart.
... Parents have far less control than they would like to think...
Some places have a stricter attendance policy. Continue to show up late , violate company attendance policy and one's job can be in jeopardy.It's so true! They do notice you going to work every day on time.
I think that if parents have a "successful" child, it is human nature to think it is because of what they did. So if they made their kids pay for part of college, then that was very important to the success. And, yet, I know plenty of parents who paid for every penny for their children (some even buying them a house to live in during school) and the kids were very successful. And, some who had their kids pay for part of school and the kids are not.
I have seen many situations where children were relatively close in age and were raised similarly and yet one ended up successfully and the other lived with constant disaster.
I certainly think that it is good for parents to reflect their values in how they raise their children. But, I think the impact of all of that and parents in general is far more limited than people think.
A couple of years ago my kids seemed to be struggling. They didn't know what they wanted to do. The one who had a degree in a high paying field didn't want to work in that field. The one without a degree had trouble finding full time work that paid a living wage. Now? They are doing great. The one with a degree is working in a totally different field, but loving it. The one without a degree makes more money than most college graduates of the same age.
Is any of this because of what I did? If I take "credit" for that should I take "blame" for when they struggled? Will it continue? I don't know. But, I think in the end it has more to do with them than anything else.
This a great list IMHO.Some freeform thoughts:
Be consistent. Provide age appropriate boundaries and responsibilities, beginning early. Widen the funnel as they show they can handle responsibilities. Narrow it if needed.
Be willing to say no. Be their parent, their coach, their mentor. Not their friend. Do not be the "cool" mom or dad and avoid those parents who try to be.
Have them do work that is hard. It builds confidence and self reliance and drive. Teach them life skills. How to cook, in the yard and to fix things. There is honor in all kinds of work.
They should have jobs in my opinion. Preferably outside the house (learning to please other adults). Do not give them spending money outside of allowance. Motivates them to work.
Teach them about money from early age. Give them a modest allowance which grows annually. Don't pay them for household chores. This is just doing their part as a family member.
Teach them to balance saving, spending, and giving.
Prioritize school and study. Be involved. Know their friends, know where they are and who they are with.
Be willing to parent differently than neighbors or what society at large. Parenting takes courage.
Model these behaviors. They will believe your words
Love them.
Accept them.
Pray for them.
I think that if parents have a "successful" child, it is human nature to think it is because of what they did. So if they made their kids pay for part of college, then that was very important to the success. And, yet, I know plenty of parents who paid for every penny for their children (some even buying them a house to live in during school) and the kids were very successful. And, some who had their kids pay for part of school and the kids are not.
I have seen many situations where children were relatively close in age and were raised similarly and yet one ended up successfully and the other lived with constant disaster.
I certainly think that it is good for parents to reflect their values in how they raise their children. But, I think the impact of all of that and parents in general is far more limited than people think.
A couple of years ago my kids seemed to be struggling. They didn't know what they wanted to do. The one who had a degree in a high paying field didn't want to work in that field. The one without a degree had trouble finding full time work that paid a living wage. Now? They are doing great. The one with a degree is working in a totally different field, but loving it. The one without a degree makes more money than most college graduates of the same age.
Is any of this because of what I did? If I take "credit" for that should I take "blame" for when they struggled? Will it continue? I don't know. But, I think in the end it has more to do with them than anything else.
What was the secret? What advice would you give to parents? We have a 10 and 12 yrs old kids. TIA
My daughter and I wrote an entire book about raising your money-savvy family for next generation financial independence. Most of it describes our tactics for giving her financial motivations toward our family's goals. It includes her reactions as a kid at the time we did these things, as well as her adult perspective-- now parenting her own toddler.Thanks so much for all the replies so far.