For those who have successful children

[Ally]

I agree with most of the advice given. We expected good grades, at least one activity each year like sports, violin, piano, etc to take up much of their free time. My husband used to say it was to keep them too busy to be on the streets, which was funny, but partly true. We encouraged friendships with their nerdy, intelligent friends by having cookouts, day trips, etc. where their friends could come with us. We participated as a family in a nearby church. We didn’t have to deal with social media and smartphones at that time, but my daughter’s five children aren’t allowed smartphones until they graduate high school. They very minimally have social media required by their school for communication. So far, they have done very well in high school and college.

One thing my 45 yr old son told me this summer is that he lives way below his means, because he noticed that we did that when he was growing up. He listened in to many conversations that my husband and I had about financial strategies to retire early and not have debt. So that is another aspect of how they learn. I’m really proud of both of them being so fiscally responsible.

 

[SecondCor521]

My daughter and I wrote an entire book about raising your money-savvy family for next generation financial independence. Most of it describes our tactics for giving her financial motivations toward our family's goals. It includes her reactions as a kid at the time we did these things, as well as her adult perspective-- now parenting her own toddler.

It shares our parenting miserable failures as well as what worked. Your kids are right in the middle of the sweet spot for whatever tactics you choose to adopt.

You can find it in print, eBook, and audio editions at your local library.

And from what I know Nords and his wife raised a very successful daughter.

https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Money-Savvy-Generation-Financial-Independence-ebook/dp/B08C9G4LXC

 

[Closet_Gamer]

Some freeform thoughts:

Be consistent. Provide age appropriate boundaries and responsibilities, beginning early. Widen the funnel as they show they can handle responsibilities. Narrow it if needed.

Be willing to say no. Be their parent, their coach, their mentor. Not their friend. Do not be the "cool" mom or dad and avoid those parents who try to be.

Have them do work that is hard. It builds confidence and self reliance and drive. Teach them life skills. How to cook, in the yard and to fix things. There is honor in all kinds of work.

They should have jobs in my opinion. Preferably outside the house (learning to please other adults). Do not give them spending money outside of allowance. Motivates them to work.

Teach them about money from early age. Give them a modest allowance which grows annually. Don't pay them for household chores. This is just doing their part as a family member.

Teach them to balance saving, spending, and giving.

Prioritize school and study. Be involved. Know their friends, know where they are and who they are with.

Be willing to parent differently than neighbors or what society at large. Parenting takes courage.

Model these behaviors. They will believe your words

Love them.
Accept them.
Pray for them.

Great post. If I may add one more item:

Trust them.

Teenagers do stupid stuff, no doubt, and I believe kids need very strong boundaries that must be enforced when tested. I'm not saying to stick your head in the sand.

But if you give your kids trust and also require them to deal with their own problems, they will likely rise to the occasion and be better for it.

We had a hard and fast rule that our "kids didn't have cell phones, we had extra ones we let them use and therefore anything on that phone was fair game for us." But truthfully, I think DW only dropped the hammer and used that one time.

What we did not do was install digital nannies or require them to turn over their phones so we could check locations, read everything, monitor apps, etc. Kids are going to be buried in choices and terrible inflences. The trick isn't to shield them from that reality, its to help them operate responsibly within than reality by talking to them about ethics, priorities, etc.

We started it much younger than that. When my kids were 8 and 6, we would let them walk the 1/2 mile down the street by themselves to feed the ducks at the local pond. Some people would probably call that child endangerment. We called it responsibility and trust.

(My kids aren't "launched" yet...both in college...but I like their trajectories, who they are, and how they approach the world around them.)

 

[Closet_Gamer]

Teach them to balance saving, spending, and giving.

I'd also like to highlight this.

I think its super important not only for learning to manage money but even more so for understanding priorities and having a wider lens.

When our kids were 5 years old, we gave them a $1 per week allowance that was paid in quarters.

They also got three envelopes labeled:
Spending
Saving
Church

$0.50 went into the spending envelope, $0.25 in the savings envelope and $0.25 in the Church envelope.

Each week they fetched their $0.25 to put into the church basket.

When we were shopping and they wanted something, we would just ask "do you have enough in your spending envelope for that?" and help them do the math. There were no fights and they almost immediately learned to walk past things. When they were older and had saved for over a year, we allowed them to put the savings envelope into consideration but reminded them how long it had taken to save it. Most money stayed in the envelopes.

As they got a little older, more money went into the envelopes. Ultimately getting to $5 per week. Eventually the discipline of the envelopes faded but the lesson was there.

The kids are now old enough that we allow them to be around our conversations about charity, household bills and short term desires, and our thoughts about FIRE and a second home.

Last week DD1 who is now 21, looked at me and said "It all comes down to the three envelopes." The 18 yo seconded that opinion.

Lesson learned.

 

[big-papa]

I think that if parents have a "successful" child, it is human nature to think it is because of what they did. So if they made their kids pay for part of college, then that was very important to the success. And, yet, I know plenty of parents who paid for every penny for their children (some even buying them a house to live in during school) and the kids were very successful. And, some who had their kids pay for part of school and the kids are not.

I have seen many situations where children were relatively close in age and were raised similarly and yet one ended up successfully and the other lived with constant disaster.

I certainly think that it is good for parents to reflect their values in how they raise their children. But, I think the impact of all of that and parents in general is far more limited than people think.

A couple of years ago my kids seemed to be struggling. They didn't know what they wanted to do. The one who had a degree in a high paying field didn't want to work in that field. The one without a degree had trouble finding full time work that paid a living wage. Now? They are doing great. The one with a degree is working in a totally different field, but loving it. The one without a degree makes more money than most college graduates of the same age.

Is any of this because of what I did? If I take "credit" for that should I take "blame" for when they struggled? Will it continue? I don't know. But, I think in the end it has more to do with them than anything else.

100% agree with this. I come from a large family and have 10 siblings. All raised the same way by the same parents. Significantly large differences in outcomes among us. It has an will always be a combination of Nature, Nurture, Randomness....

 

[donheff]

Luck and Love

 

[Venturer]

I agree SO much with this. We have young kids, so I have no idea if they’ll be successful by the usual definition. But my brother and I were four years apart and are at pretty much the extremes of the success ladder. Me, doctorate, many yrs in senior professional positions, RE at 50 with high NW, married with two kids. My brother is a homeless addict with zero relationships under his belt.

Parents have far less control than they would like to think. The only significant difference in our upbringing is that my parents divorced when he was starting high school, so he likely had less supervision at that point. But honestly the differences in personalities were there at a very early age. By around 6-8 I would say. Maybe if my parents had been able to see the early signs and steer him towards more productive outlets it would have helped, but I doubt it would have made a huge difference.

I agree totally with this. My parents divorced when I was 3,so I have only 1/2 siblings on both sides. My mom lived with my grandparents ubtil I was 10,then married a worthless drunk, so I was shuffled off to her parents a lot, or sent to my dad's home. The thing about that was he had 2 stepchildren as well as 5 other boys so he didn't have time for me either. I went thru some rocky years until I finally realized that I was responsible for me and no one else. One of my younger brothers is in and out of jail, a drug addict, and lives a miserable life, while the others are fairly successful. One of my sisters travelled the world as an evangelist, while the other one is a successful business owner. So it will vary among people as to how they turn out, it isn't all education, or genetics or parenting, ultimately it is the individual who rises to life or decides differently.

 

[old medic]

Parents definitely have an influence, so one cannot just leave his kids alone to their fate, flailing in the wind. But after all you have done, some children could not be helped. It really hurts a parent to admit this, and it is heartbreaking.

It absolutely is.... Our 2 are a world apart... youngest has done awesome, put herself thru school earning her masters while working full time.
The other.... seems to try and then SQUIRL.... always has some excuse...and it doesn't matter what you do to try and help, its never enough.
Tough Love sucks

 

[Nick12]

I knew a single mother from an inner city in FL. Two of her boys went on different paths. One is in jail and the other is a US Marine officer. The officer did not hang out with the "in" crowd in high school but rather focus on his studies and sports. He graduated from the Naval Academy. His mother said he wanted to quit a number of times in the high stress environment at Annapolis but he did not give up. He is a success story.

 

[street]

What great advice and role models we have here. I agree with all of your methods and styles for having successful children in life.

NW-Bound quoted this and agree totally > I tell people, if your kid turns out to be a responsible citizen, lives a happy constructive life free of crime, drugs, and misery, that's plenty good. Forget about degrees, wealth, status.

I see so many unproductive young people it is disheartening to me.

I have one son and he has been very successful in life. Left at 17 after graduation and started a career and has been there 18 years already. He really did it on his own as far as paying for his education and getting where he is at today. I'm very proud of him and he is solid and knows where he wants to go and going after it.

I do beleive parenting and it starts at home teaching and showing is a huge part of someone being successful as a citizen.

I also beleive successful people are magnets and contagious for others to want o follow in life. This doesn't mean that these people have the best paying job and a title but but just good character and great people in your community.

 

[Bamaman]

This has been some nice reading, and has reminded me of how my sister raised a son and daughter. She claims that putting them in the finest private schools was the best thing they ever did. And she also paid tuition for 4 grandchildren at the same schools to the tune of $100K per year. When my niece and nephew hit college, they breezed through because they were so well prepared.

I attribute my nephew's success partially to the quality of friends he grew up with. They also came from high income families with businesses for the next generation to work into. For example, my sister built a large building for the family business 10 years ago. The architect, heating and air conditioning, interior design and interior building were all done by their close friends' family businesses that they trusted. And my nephew's business has substantial sales to friends and their families. Other close friends are being groomed by their parents to takeover large corporations their families started. The interlinking of friendships and businesses has been profitable for all.

But one trend I've noticed is that the daughters of the very successful often chosen to be housewives and mothers--supported financially by their families. Some have given much of their public lives to help others in their very needy community. My nephew's wife runs a horse therapy operation for special needs kids, and her friends raise enormous funds for local children hospital charities.

The 40 year old men seem to have one bad habit as a badge of their success--personal jet airplanes. Two brothers I knew as kids each have a Bombardier Global Express' seating 22 people. I just hope their success is enough to support such a lifestyle.

 

[Dtail]

We have 2 successful children in their mid to late 30's. When I look at their childhood friends, most are also successful. So I attribute a lot to the community we chose to live in. We have a great school system, with higher than average incomes and high achievers who all set expectations for their children. Couple that with teaching the basics of personal finance: Pay yourself first, don't ever carry credit card debt, early contributions to tax deferred accounts, the power of compounding. And a final concept: a healthy and consistent work ethic. We both were devoted to our jobs and our children saw that.

Interestingly, we footed 100% of the bill for private colleges and even grad school and also gifted funds for part of their first home downpayments, so no skin in the game for either. But neither has ever asked for an additional penny and they have been on their own for many years. One has a near 7 figure net worth and the other has a multiple 7 figure net worth, even though they are in their 30's. They are both good kids and consider their father and I their main consiglieris. We are blessed.

Nice to hear.
Didn't quite work out for one of sons so far, but the other is still making his way through Vet school.

 

[Bestwifeever]

What was the secret? What advice would you give to parents? We have a 10 and 12 yrs old kids. TIA

I am sincerely impressed that you're asking--your kids will probably be okay. You are heading into some tough but fun times at those ages. It's a miracle imo when kids grow into self-supporting and happy adults and although I take zero credit for it, mine did.

I watched people I thought had good relationships with their preteen/teen kids and noticed the parents almost always let the kids talk in group situations, and they also let the kids be right or "win" an argument more often than not, and I tried to be like that. That's all I got.

Good luck.

 

[pacergal]

Luck and Love

Oh, so true!
At some point, usually sooner than parents expect, your kids will make their own decisions. Hopefully, you have given them a good base to launch from.

 

[Sue J]

I consider our sons, age 34 and 37, to be successful because they both have mastered adulthood. They have jobs in their respective fields, are self supporting and have character and integrity. They are GOOD PEOPLE. Neither has had issues with drinking/drugging/partying or questionable friends.

The younger one has made us grandparents and he is a wonderful father and husband. The older one is single and lives on far less than he makes and invests steadily.

They both live within a couple of miles of us and we see them often so they must still like us!

 

[Montecfo]

I agree that parents cannot take "credit" for kids turning out well. Each child is unique and may not reflect or adopt all the habits taught or modelled for a variety of reasons.

But the responsibility to train them well is there regardless. And perhaps to not treat them all "the same". Instead learn what each needs and provide that. Be willing to change course if something is not working.

 

[NW-Bound]

They both live within a couple of miles of us and we see them often so they must still like us!

I have relatives whose kids want to move far away from them.

My two children on the other hand do not want to move out of town. We make sure we don't interfere with their life much.

 

[Winemaker]

A lot of motivational speeches at graduations always start with the topic of making their bed. But I think the whole idea is to make sure there is structure to build each and every day. While not every child is blessed with 2 loving parents, your kids need to know that fact if it true, and appreciate it. Both parents must also show respect to each other, also. And if there is only one loving parent present, they need to know that, too. And one parent should never badmouth the other parent ever. If one parent is a jerk, the kid will eventually figure it out. Structure leads to responsibility, gratitude, and forms a great base in which to catapult from.

These are some of the things DW taught me. She was adopted at age two, separated from her sister that she didn't know she had for 20 years, her adopted parents also divorced when she was 8, and got into an abusive marriage that also ended in divorce. We are celebrating our 38th anniversary this year, and have 2 successful kids, and 5 grandchildren.

 

[1242Vintage]

We have three kids in their 20s; a mechanical engineer daughter who designs precision medical devices and working on MBA, a high energy physicist working on his doctorate and as of last week a daughter with a new graduate degree in nursing from Johns Hopkins and a new job as a cardiac ICU nurse at the #1 cardiac hospital in the U.S.

Here’s our secret … My wife was very part-time math and science grammar school teacher who exposed our kids to the joys of math and science from a very early age. Also since her job was part-time, she was home to see the kids off to school and back from teaching by the end of their school day. Was not uncommon for me to come home after work (I’m an Engr) and have our kids and a few neighbors at our large dining room table doing homework and having a healthy afternoon snack.

We also encouraged sports; soccer, baseball, gymnastics, snow ski team, swimming, etc.

The other factor was our financial situation. We aren’t “rich” by anyone’s definition but the kids knew that should something happen early in their career or with schools we always had their backs if a few dollars and a safe haven at home was needed. This let them take a few more risks with school and that first professional job. This backup was never needed.

In addition to sports we encouraged them to take advantage of extracurricular activities; school band, volunteer work in Africa, etc.

One of our kids has a severe hearing loss bordering on deaf, but never let that define or limit her. Imagine a deaf kid playing music in the high school band and marching on the field with her sign language interpreter at a Friday night football game. That was one of our kids!

And their long-term boy/girl friends are equally successful.

And yes the conversations around the big table at Thanksgiving and Christmas when everyone converges back at our house quickly turn to math and science topics. My wife and I at each end of the table just smile at each other and enjoy what we have raised, supported and encouraged!

 

[CRLLS]

We have 2 adult children who are both in jobs that serve society. It is not where they came from. It does make us proud. Neither one were into drugs, crime etc. Both have families and are still with their 1st wives. I can touch on a few things that others have said. I feel a lot has to do with both love and giving them expectations while growing up. Not giving them everything they wanted and made them pay for the "upgrade" to brand name products when the alternative was completely acceptable. We as parents, were not their "best friends" and did not try to be. We did try to teach them right from wrong. We supported them in most everything they tried including sports and other out of school endeavors. We didn't treat them equally but did so according to their needs. We also tried to direct them in choosing their friends. This is such a big part of it I think.

As already mentioned, one can do all the "right things" as a parent and still end up having unsuccessful adult children. There are no guarantees.

 

[REWahoo]

I think the mods should change the title of this thread to "Boast About Your Kids". Not that there is anything wrong about it, of course.

 

[MichaelB]

I think the mods should change the title of this thread to "Boast About Your Kids". Not that there is anything wrong about it, of course.

Reminds me of when I get together with my siblings

 

[rodi]

I have two kids - ages 18 and 20. Not launched yet. One starts as a freshman in September... the other had a false start to college and is regrouping.

Both kids have great work ethic when it comes to jobs.

I'm following this thread because they are VERY different kids. One plans things out, pays attention to details, works towards goals. The other, eh, not so much.

I do a lot of parenting by letting them live with the consequences of their actions. Not packing for them on vacation - but giving them a list of what to bring. So if they forgot underwear, they dealt with the consequences. If they forgot an assignment I let them take the 'late' penalty. Etc.

But who knows how they'll turn out in the long run. The younger one will probably be successful right out of the gate - it's the way he's wired. The older one may take longer to get there, but will probably still be successful.

For what's it's worth - I define successful as happy and self supporting and not looking to me, or anyone else, for financial support. If they are rich but unhappy - that's not really successful in my book. If they are happy, but can't pay their rent/mortgage... that's not really successful. You need both for success.

 

[kcowan]

...One thing my 45 yr old son told me this summer is that he lives way below his means, because he noticed that we did that when he was growing up. He listened in to many conversations that my husband and I had about financial strategies to retire early and not have debt. So that is another aspect of how they learn. I’m really proud of both of them being so fiscally responsible.

I learned from my boys how important my life was as an example to them. Yes they heard what we said when we were not talking to them. So for better or for worse, you are living the life example they will model.

 

[Major Tom]

NW-Bound quoted this and agree totally > I tell people, if your kid turns out to be a responsible citizen, lives a happy constructive life free of crime, drugs, and misery, that's plenty good. Forget about degrees, wealth, status.

A big +1 to that. I also thought that NW-Bound hit the mark with that comment.