Getting divorced: he partly blames RE dreams

[Marathoner]

Thanks again for all of the support. I have read everything and will continue to reread them when I feel down.

I have an appointment with a lawyer today. He is supposed to be very good. I do have a couple of other people to talk to if I don't like this guy.

I have an appointment with a doctor for STD testing in early January (apparently I have to wait at least 4 weeks before getting tested?)

I had an appointment with a psychologist this morning. She said I am coping really well and said she'd rather be in my shoes than his, which was nice to hear. I am going back at the end of January, but can call her if I need to before then.

I called a recruiter today (haven't heard back yet) to discuss what jobs are out there and timing of my search since I am at my current job through the end of March and don't want to lose out on my severance and bonus.

I feel more in control of things now that I've taken these steps and I know that I will come out fine. Luckily I handled all of our finances, so he doesn't even know where most of the money is or how to access it. I guess he could run up credit cards, so I will talk about that with my lawyer today.

Thanks again. I appreciate every comment.

 

[eridanus]

Mediation works if both parties will agree to it. It'll save you a lot of money and time, though, so definitely pursue it first.

 

[Brat]

Remember that talking to several leading divorce attorneys in your area is a blocking strategy. Even if you think the person you will be talking to is the one talk to others asap. If one you try to make an appointment with turns you down you will know who the opposition counsel will be.

 

[pimpmyretirement]

10 years is a long time. If he's been great other than this, it could be worth fighting for counseling together. If you have nice things, people try to take them. Graduating from med school is a big transition and might have him running scared from something. Whatever it is, his side probably has little to do with the coworker.

On the other side, if he is just a total prick, tabling the job search might not be a bad idea financially for the next few months. Assuming you have assets to be out of work for a little while, the financial upside of handling the divorce well is probably much greater than a few months of missed pay. You can only do so many things well at once.

 

[tightasadrum]

Assuming you have assets to be out of work for a little while, the financial upside of handling the divorce well is probably much greater than a few months of missed pay. You can only do so many things well at once.

This may be true, but it's always easier to find a job if you have one already. Plus, having a job might give you a little more clout in salary negotiations.

 

[sheehs1]

Am going to throw one more thing out for you to think about Marathoner since I'm not sure where you are with all of this. Don't know about your state but in Va and N.C., you can sue the "new girl" for alienation of affection. Elizabeth Edwards sued the girlfriend impregnated by Jon Edwards. My husband has/had a couple client. When the husband left for another woman, the wife sued "the new girlfriend" and won. Just know this option may also be out there for you. If I had supported my husband for 10 years while laying the groundwork for our future, I would NOT take this sitting down. The reverse is also true if the woman was the one to leave. Equal opportunity and all that stuff. .

 

[sheehs1]

Remember that talking to several leading divorce attorneys in your area is a blocking strategy. Even if you think the person you will be talking to is the one talk to others asap. If one you try to make an appointment with turns you down you will know who the opposition counsel will be.

Good idea. It's called "poisioning the well" if I am not mistaken. Make appointments with the one(s) you think your husband will choose, have a consult...and it may block him from being able to use him (them).

 

[Brat]

10 years is a long time and counseling should be on the table, HOWEVER that does not preclude preparing for the worst. Block out everything but keeping the job through the layoff and preparing for your future financially. While you are working you may have access to an employee assistance program that provides counseling and other services. Use it!

By the time people are in their 30s women are usually more strategic in their romantic relationships, men are still driven by their passions. Taking up with a co-worker also opens up the possibility of a sexual harassment charge against him by the third party if he decides to dump her. This problem is not exclusive to men but men are more often the party with the power so he is taking more risks than he realizes. If she is a professional peer there is a whole different bag of worms sitting out there.. professional politics. He may be smart academically but he has no social intelligence imho.

 

[sheehs1]

Perhaps some of my suggestions sound aggressive....but...it lit a fire under me when you said he was looking at apartments with the new girlfriend. I'd venture a guess that this has been going on a for while. They have not thought about your well being so....please consider the steps you decide to take or do not take will have a bearing on what your future years may be like. Best wishes to you.

 

[easysurfer]

Perhaps some of my suggestions sound aggressive....but...it lit a fire under me when you said he was looking at apartments with the new girlfriend. I'd venture a guess that this has been going on a for while. They have not thought about your well being so....please consider the steps you decide to take or do not take will have a bearing on what your future years may be like. Best wishes to you.

I think a silver lining (from a financial standpoint) is that since he seems very eager to go apartment looking with the new girlfriend and seems to want to get the divorce done quickly, that can be used as bargaining power. If he is in such a rush to walk away from the marriage and get a "new life", make him sign away on your terms.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Lawyering up is probably the biggest mistake you can make! I would consult with the top 2-3 Divorce lawyers in your county....!

Umm, okay, so this isn't lawyering up? What do you think the top 2-3 divorce lawyers in a county will advise someone in her situation? Why wouldn't you want your own lawyer to represent you in dissolving a partnership of any kind?

 

[Marathoner]

So many of these comments have hit the nail on the head. He has severe problems from his childhood that he never addressed but swept under the rug. All appeared to go well, but they are surfacing now. Mental illness also runs in his family and I suspect that some of that is coming into play now.

When I first met this woman at a welcome party in July, my first thought was that I felt bad for my husband for having to work with someone who so closely resembled his mother (mannerisms, looks, etc.) So I think part of it is seeking love from someone who reminds him of his mother since he didn't get it from her. It's sick.

A friend of mine who used to work at the same hospital told me that if I were to call their department head and let her know what's going on, they would both be severely disciplined, possibly fired.

I was willing to take him back after the affair and we did go to one counseling session which was very helpful, but ultimately he decided that his future is with her and he's not willing to try to reconcile with me. That's when I started reflecting about the relationship and realized that I ignored/explained away a lot of his issues. I still would have been willing to be there for him as he worked through this, but he's made his choice, so now I have to move on as well.

While it is sad, and it will be a difficult few months, I do believe that ultimately I will be better off without him. I'm certainly not ready for another relationship, but I'm hopeful that at some point I will meet someone with whom I can be even happier.

I do realize that my early retirement dreams (which he said he shared with me) are not the reason for the divorce -- it's basically about his unresolved childhood issues. However, the only negative things he said about me was that I think too much about the future, specifically about ER, and that I like to read and he doesn't.

 

[Sue J]

However, the only negative things he said about me was that I think too much about the future, specifically about ER, and that I like to read and he doesn't.

In your future these are two qualities that the right person will find to be are exactly what they are looking for in a partner.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

 

[tangomonster]

You sound like you have incredibly good mental health and maturity---and you're only 32! You'll come out of this okay and FIRE can still be a possibility for you----I RE at 52 making a low salary (husband also made a low salary).

And as a fellow reader, I can't begin to imagine how liking to read is a negative. You didn't force him to read. You didn't make him read to you. Were you supposed to spend every free moment just gazing adoringly at him?

 

[Moemg]

A friend of mine who used to work at the same hospital told me that if I were to call their department head and let her know what's going on, they would both be severely disciplined, possibly fired.

.

I have worked at several hospitals and witnessed a lot of affairs with the married Physicians and no one was ever disciplined. Unfortunately it is one of the things that happen . There are a lot of young nurses who want to marry Physicians and don't care if they are already married , ugly or boring .

 

[haha]

You single guys, note how fast posters, including the men, jump all over the husband, and make very aggressive money grabbing suggestions, notwithstanding that we know almost nothing about the rest of the story.

And this is not just this board; this is American society. You cannot change it, but you can avoid it, or perhaps abort it even if you are already married, if you are not already wealthy or do not have a very high paying job.

Do you want to post an unlimited bond, to be paid on demand to the woman that you are divorcing from, for whatever reason? Do you want the person that you have loved to set out to try the tricks suggested in this thread? Could this poison your attitude toward women? Will you perhaps look at your bride and think, hmm, I sure hope that I will forever fit her wishes, desires and fantasies, whatever they may become, or else I am public enemy #1, and she is the prosecutor?

Is there any freedom at all in this? Nope, it is just punishment for not staying the course, a course that you may not have much interest in anymore. Is it possible that people change, both men and women? Note that your wife can lose interest in you, and this will generally be taken to be your fault also.

Also note that the big justification for this woman-first bias is usually "It's for the children!" And where are the children in this case, or in many other cases?

Consider that however much you may like women, love women, respect women, it may be to your best interests to avoid letting one of them get a strong grip on your most tender parts.

Ha

 

[73ss454]

Is there any freedom at all in this? Nope, it is just punishment for not staying the course, a course that you may not have much interest in anymore. Is it possible that people change, both men and women? Note that your wife can lose interest in you, and this will generally be taken to be your fault also.

Ha

Sure, any of this can happen. The problem is this guy went out to play house before he gave his wife the courtesy of discussing it with her. If the OP's info is correct the guy should pay IMHO.

 

[Nords]

It is difficult for me to understand why you haven't helped him along with this process by moving his things outside the front door.

Perhaps with a gravity assist. Or a catapult.

Thanks again for all of the support. I have read everything and will continue to reread them when I feel down.
I have an appointment with a lawyer today. He is supposed to be very good. I do have a couple of other people to talk to if I don't like this guy.

Brewer's point (he beat me to it) is that if you talk to the best lawyers in your area about your divorce case, then hypothetically they're supposed to recuse themselves from his business if he tries to hire them. Of course now you can confirm that with "your" lawyer.

He's had more time to plan this than you have, and you have no idea what surprises he's been able to set up. If you haven't already then you should change the passwords on all your financial accounts, your computer, your e-mail addresses, landline voicemail, and your cell phone. Think about changing your work account passwords too. I guess that also applies to social-media accounts like Facebook & Twitter. If he has your logins then it doesn't matter who "owns" your accounts.

You could immediately freeze (or even cancel) the credit cards that you share with him. You could apply for credit in your own name or work from cash for a while.

You might want to change the locks on your residence. It'll discourage him from attempting any appeals or "reunions".

You might even want to track down all your car keys and consider changing that lock as well.

If you two share any joint accounts then you should move at least half the money to accounts only owned by you.

You don't have to call his workplace. Your lawyer would be well within their rights to contact the supervisors of both your spouse and his girlfriend to ask for depositions on their behavior and performance.

In the more distant future, you're going to want to review all your financial plans to remove him from powers of attorney, insurance policies, IRA/401(k) beneficiary designations, medical directives... that's probably only a partial list.

I think the good news is that he revealed his colors so "early" in life. You're right-- you're glad that there are no kids, multi-decade histories, or other ties to him.

 

[Marathoner]

Is there any freedom at all in this? Nope, it is just punishment for not staying the course, a course that you may not have much interest in anymore. Is it possible that people change, both men and women?

While I agree with this to a certain extent, I paid for his expenses while he went to school (private med school, so $$$), kept the house running, took care of all of the details so he could have a good life, and in the past 2 years paid off over $70k of his student loans.

He promised me that if I would support him through this, once he was a doctor and our debts were paid off, I could focus my life on something more fulfilling to me -- volunteering at or maybe even starting my own nonprofit. I held up my end of the bargain, and he's changing the rules mid-game.

Had we both been professionals with decent salaries and this happened, I wouldn't be seeking any alimony. However, I am out well over $100k that I invested in his school. It's only fair that I get to see some of the rewards. Especially when I was blindsided by this. Even he admits that this has nothing to do with me or what kind of wife I was. He takes full blame for the affair and the aftermath.

 

[brewer12345]

Give it a rest, Ha. You will note in my post that I used a qualifying phrase ("as presented"). All we know is one side of the story and have no obvious reason to disbelieve it. Assuming reality matches the posts by OP, I have absoluetly no problem with her attorney taking everything there is to get and leaving this scumbag in tatters. He made a commitment, was supported (financially and otherwise) for many years, and now as he is about to finally reap the fruits of all that support he does not want to stick around any more. Convenient, isn't it? I hope her lawyer fillets him with a rusty, dull knife.

Now, if this were a mutual dissolution, I might be somewhat more sympathetic to your viewpoint. But that does not appear to be the case here.

 

[haha]

While I agree with this to a certain extent, I paid for his expenses while he went to school (private med school, so $$$), kept the house running, took care of all of the details so he could have a good life, and in the past 2 years paid off over $70k of his student loans.

He promised me that if I would support him through this, once he was a doctor and our debts were paid off, I could focus my life on something more fulfilling to me -- volunteering at or maybe even starting my own nonprofit. I held up my end of the bargain, and he's changing the rules mid-game.

Had we both been professionals with decent salaries and this happened, I wouldn't be seeking any alimony. However, I am out well over $100k that I invested in his school. It's only fair that I get to see some of the rewards. Especially when I was blindsided by this. Even he admits that this has nothing to do with me or what kind of wife I was. He takes full blame for the affair and the aftermath.

I understand, and on the info presented I really sympathize with you. I think it may be risky for spouses to sacrifice to make a big jump in the other spouse's education and job prospects.

Divorce musings are just a minor hobby of mine. It has nothing to do with your situation at all. I do know that the New Doc finding a new woman to go with his new Porsche and new clothes is not really uncommon. A long time a ago I was a lifeguard at a pool frequented by residents and their wives. Peyton Place all the way!

I think men are fine, women are fine, but marriage is a risk that many of us perhaps should not take.

I hope her lawyer fillets him with a rusty, dull knife.

Attaboy Brewer!


Ha

 

[arebelspy]

You're coping amazingly well, and I'm extremely impressed by your posts. Still feel very bad, but you're amazing, so you'll be fine!

 

[DoingHomework]

Yes. He had dreams of going to med school but didn't think he could do it. I showed him how we could make that happen, and I supported him through applying for school, school, residency, 1.5 years of fellowship, paid at least $70k of his student loans as well as all living expenses since I had a good job.

The emotional scumminess of what he is doing aside, does he not realize what you might be entitled to financially? As someone already said, lawyer up. Take him for everything he's got and his future earnings! Depending on which state you are in you could be entitled to a lot. And there is no reason you should let him slide on any of the money.

And wow, right before Christmas? How classy of him...

 

[Major Tom]

Is there any freedom at all in this? Nope, it is just punishment for not staying the course, a course that you may not have much interest in anymore. Is it possible that people change, both men and women? Note that your wife can lose interest in you, and this will generally be taken to be your fault also.
Ha

I can accept the fact that people, and their desires, change, but I won't accept someone not facing up to their financial responsibilities.

We're not talking about who paid for dinners, lunches, the occasional trip to the movie, or who gets to keep the record collection. In this particular case we're talking about 70K of student loans, which he has told her that he doesn't want to pay her back for.

That's the part that gets my goat.

I had a friend who's soon-to-be ex-wife made very unreasonable (in my estimation) financial demands on him during their divorce. It was equally annoying to me. In that case, I took the side of the guy because I thought that he was the one being taken advantage of.

It's about fairness to me; not about one partner getting a free ride.

 

[Major Tom]

Take him for everything he's got and his future earnings!

If you don't mind me saying, I don't agree with this attitude. Trying to make someone pay for an emotional hurt they have caused by hitting them in the pocketbook is, I think, one of the uglier sides of our litigious society.

I don't believe this is what Marathoner was thinking of; I imagine she just wants her 70K (or most of it) back, which is fair.