Hi advice on dating

[JustCurious]

10 years in general I agree, not a big deal. 60 yo dates a 50 yo, nbd.

But 50 vs 37/8/9 means she's in a completely different place in her life. Most likely (and the OP hasn't said otherwise) still wanting to start a family, and running out of time.

What if the 37/8/9 year old woman does not want to have kids?

 

[Aerides]

What if the 37/8/9 year old woman does not want to have kids?

If she doesn't, that's probably better, and I didn't see where he said she doesn't. Still, seems like a bit of a big gap and that they'd be in different places in their lives. And since financial independence (or, more specifically, a lower likelyhood of paying support) is a concern, it makes sense to seek out someone more similar to start with.

 

[kgtest]

Happily married for about 7 years now after DW said no to a prenump. BUT I got married in my early 30s and I don't think either of us knew what the other had in terms of assets...
DW thought I had "nothing" and I thought she had "nothing" turns out we both had "something" and she didn't want to manager hers, so I grow it for her and manage both after 7 happy years LOL

 

[guitarguy]

The financial things I look for in a potential relationship is financial independence and financial responsibility.

That means:

1.) She should be able to live without needing money from me. I may decide to open my wallet to pay for both of us to have an upgraded experience, but she can pay for her own basics.

I couldn't agree more. But first, the legal issues... Surfer, you have a big problem, given the laws in your country. I did the same thing as you, although here in the USA I didn't have the potential legal problems you have. Even without the legal issue, it was all a huge mistake. At this age, we need to be smarter... financial means ARE important, and it's not shallow to consider that as a deal breaker. You're courting disaster by staying with this woman.

After divorce, I was in a 9 year relationship with a woman who had few assets, and no hope of retiring (although she was my age... late 40's at the time). She definitely was not a gold-digger, and was content with her life, and it was good. It didn't bother me for many years, but after I retired, I began to feel like my retirement dreams were limited by her financial situation and the fact she'd be working forever. We couldn't travel, if we did I paid for everything, and since I was home all day most chores fell to me. I finally realized that at this age, love isn't enough, and I broke it off. While I realize this was simply a part of "My Path" and I don't regret it, I sometimes feel like I wasted 9 years of my life. Oh well, live and learn.

I'm now in a committed relationship with a woman whose financial situation and age is very similar to mine, and I'm loving life, her, and my retirement. We travel, we dine out, we're renting houses for a month at a time in sunny climates, we're buying a house together, etc. Granted, it's hard to find women at our age who are financially secure, but they are out there. And it doesn't have to be exactly equal, but you want her to at least be on the same page in terms of retirement, paying bills, debt, etc. Don't settle... determine characteristics you need and then go looking for that. Be creative in how you evaluate a potential partner... don't just say "I need someone who's financially responsible", because many will attempt to be whatever you say. Be a little crafty in finding out the truth.

While it may cause a little short term pain, in the long term you'll be much better off in finding the right person for you. Best of luck!

 

[JustCurious]

If she doesn't, that's probably better, and I didn't see where he said she doesn't. Still, seems like a bit of a big gap and that they'd be in different places in their lives. And since financial independence (or, more specifically, a lower likelyhood of paying support) is a concern, it makes sense to seek out someone more similar to start with.

Not trying to argue, but you said a 10 year age difference is not a big deal, so a 50 year old dating a 39 year old is only 11 years, that shouldn't be a big deal either.

 

[Aerides]

Not trying to argue, but you said a 10 year age difference is not a big deal, so a 50 year old dating a 39 year old is only 11 years, that shouldn't be a big deal either.

Not arguing, but happy to clarify. I said "in general" 10 years is nbd.

65 dates a 55? 35 with a 45? Ok.
29 and 19 would be creepy

And in this case, 50 yo who is ER'd, I still say that's a very different person than a 37-39, and a more challenging coupling than if it were 50 and 47. or 50 and 55.

 

[JustCurious]

I understand what you are saying. I follow the "half plus 10 rule"... take the age of the older person and cut in half and add 10...if the younger person is at least that age then I don't see an issue at any age, assuming the younger person is of legal age of course.

 

[Surfer]

I couldn't agree more. But first, the legal issues... Surfer, you have a big problem, given the laws in your country. I did the same thing as you, although here in the USA I didn't have the potential legal problems you have. Even without the legal issue, it was all a huge mistake. At this age, we need to be smarter... financial means ARE important, and it's not shallow to consider that as a deal breaker. You're courting disaster by staying with this woman.

After divorce, I was in a 9 year relationship with a woman who had few assets, and no hope of retiring (although she was my age... late 40's at the time). She definitely was not a gold-digger, and was content with her life, and it was good. It didn't bother me for many years, but after I retired, I began to feel like my retirement dreams were limited by her financial situation and the fact she'd be working forever. We couldn't travel, if we did I paid for everything, and since I was home all day most chores fell to me. I finally realized that at this age, love isn't enough, and I broke it off. While I realize this was simply a part of "My Path" and I don't regret it, I sometimes feel like I wasted 9 years of my life. Oh well, live and learn.

I'm now in a committed relationship with a woman whose financial situation and age is very similar to mine, and I'm loving life, her, and my retirement. We travel, we dine out, we're renting houses for a month at a time in sunny climates, we're buying a house together, etc. Granted, it's hard to find women at our age who are financially secure, but they are out there. And it doesn't have to be exactly equal, but you want her to at least be on the same page in terms of retirement, paying bills, debt, etc. Don't settle... determine characteristics you need and then go looking for that. Be creative in how you evaluate a potential partner... don't just say "I need someone who's financially responsible", because many will attempt to be whatever you say. Be a little crafty in finding out the truth.

While it may cause a little short term pain, in the long term you'll be much better off in finding the right person for you. Best of luck!

Thanks for this guitarguy. I can see why ER would work out better with the woman you are now with. The same logic would apply to my situation. I would find it hard to break up with my gf though as I do really like her, even though logically I probably should. I do think it is hard to find someone you are compatible with on every level as well, so a good match (with risks that can be at least partially mitigated), might actually be the right match. Mitigating at present by not living together and deliberately not satisfying by word or actions the de facto by distance criteria.

 

[Surfer]

Not arguing, but happy to clarify. I said "in general" 10 years is nbd.

65 dates a 55? 35 with a 45? Ok.
29 and 19 would be creepy

And in this case, 50 yo who is ER'd, I still say that's a very different person than a 37-39, and a more challenging coupling than if it were 50 and 47. or 50 and 55.

Yes Aerides, I do think it is a challenging coupling for sure. We definitely are at different life stages like you say. I know some younger ppl (early to mid 30’s) who both have not much in the way of assets. They moved in together quickly and then later broke up with no financial implications for either party. I think where a couple is older and both parties have assets, they would probably be a bit slower to move in together, but perhaps not as slow as I would be in my situation.

 

[Surfer]

I do have some conditions where I would consider moving in with my gf which are lower risk for me. I have discussed these with her. Those conditions involve time passing and us getting to know each other better and her financial situation changing from what it is now (and it is something that is achievable).

 

[akidagain2018]

I understand what you are saying. I follow the "half plus 10 rule"... take the age of the older person and cut in half and add 10...if the younger person is at least that age then I don't see an issue at any age, assuming the younger person is of legal age of course.

So we would all think it’s cool for a happening 58 YO woman dating and marrying a 39 YO male..... Right? Just checking, since it’s sometimes......that the woman has the bag o cash and is the elder. So, ok if it’s the chick doing the 1/2 plus 10?

And to consult her age comparable colleagues on an ER site for advise in deciding who to date?

My time’s better spent doing other things besides this, but curious how open minded readers are.

 

[Amethyst]

Anecdote time! Close female relative, now 50, has been with her husband, aged 68, since they were 23 and 41 respectively. He simply never met anyone he wanted to marry before she showed up, and they didn't actually marry, with a license, until she was 37!

He is downright handsome and very nice. And he doesn't have a lot of money.

And then there was my Aunt who eloped at age 16 with my Uncle, who was 31. They were together until he died, aged 88. He didn't have a lot of money, either - except when raising my cousins, she always had a job.

EDIT: neither anecdote means you are likely to have this kind of luck on the Internet, merely by setting your age filters wider. These people met each other the old-fashioned way, through work or mutual friends.

Not arguing, but happy to clarify. I said "in general" 10 years is nbd.

65 dates a 55? 35 with a 45? Ok.
29 and 19 would be creepy

And in this case, 50 yo who is ER'd, I still say that's a very different person than a 37-39, and a more challenging coupling than if it were 50 and 47. or 50 and 55.

 

[smalltownguy1]

Or even middle class man:
Philippines

+1

 

[Callitaday2022]

Best advice...

 

[Souschef]

Even though we live in a community property state, we have never commingled our assets.
In my first marriage, I was able to hold on to all I had before we got married and whatever increases in value there were afterwards.

 

[RobbieB]

Yeah, I like the old fashioned way too.

Did the internet dating thing and had a lot of fun. But the fun ran out and the last one hurt so I cancelled both the sites and decided to just let the dice roll.

I got married a year and a half ago to a woman I met at the dog park.

Let the good times roll!

 

[1-31-18]

Contraception is a wonderful thing, and your responsibility every bit as much as hers.

+1

I have a fraternity brother, age 61, accomplished cardiologist, who will become a father again next month because he neglected contraception. His DGF is happy. He is not — won’t be retiring on schedule.

Also agree about the prenup. Could talk for days about that issue.

 

[brewer12345]

I can't see myself remarrying if DW predeceases me. Its not like I am going to have another long term relationship anywhere as meaningful or committed. Guessing I will snuff it before she does, so it will be academic.

 

[Souschef]

I can't see myself remarrying if DW predeceases me. Its not like I am going to have another long term relationship anywhere as meaningful or committed. Guessing I will snuff it before she does, so it will be academic.

Dear Brewer,
Never say never. I lost my wife of 30 years in 2005, and had no thoughts of remarrying. After doing a lot of traveling by myself, I finally said," right now my life is at a crossroads. I do not know where I am going next, but I do not want to do it alone".
Well, some months later, I embarked on a new adventures and a new life. We just celebrated our 12th anniversary.

 

[Badger]

Don't know Oz laws, but here you could put assets in trust that go to beneficiaries designated vs. widow.

I haven't seen any discussion on this point but maybe I missed it. This was my first thought after reading the first OP. Why wouldn't a revocable trust be the easy answer?
Also if I was not interested in having children I would seriously consider a vasectomy. Accidents can happen and then where would you be?


Cheers!

 

[smalltownguy1]

+1

I have a fraternity brother, age 61, accomplished cardiologist, who will become a father again next month because he neglected contraception. His DGF is happy. He is not — won’t be retiring on schedule.

Also agree about the prenup. Could talk for days about that issue.

My commissioning classmate is one day older than me (49) and just had a baby with his new wife. His other kids are 22(twins) and 20.
He actually reversed his vasectomy while he was dating her.

I retired 4 years ago and he will never retire now.

 

[akidagain2018]

Good lord

I cannot believe there is this much chatter about men and dating women young enough to be their children, and that women typically don’t have any assets. And their oops getting pregnant.

I’ve got too much in assets and property for any guy to ever date me again. All I’ve ever encountered in the last 20 years is broke guys. Now I’m 20++ years too old for anyone under the age of what appear to be 80. I’m 58.

Assets, rockin bod, Uber intelligent, good cook, growing a 32’ x40’ garden I filled myself, and I can see and design all things home improvement - and I’ll never date again.... I know all you guys are thinking- ah she must be a bitch. With all this going on and zero eligible men that are not the age of decrepit, wouldn’t you be!!

 

[rodi]

My commissioning classmate is one day older than me (49) and just had a baby with his new wife. His other kids are 22(twins) and 20.
He actually reversed his vasectomy while he was dating her.

I retired 4 years ago and he will never retire now.

Not sure about that. My husband was 48 when our first kid was born... (I was 39)... but it was first marriage for both of us, and first kid. Had another kid 2 years later.

He retired at 62, I retired at 52. Kids were (are) still under roof. We still managed to retire early... because we had saved enough, and reduced our expenses enough. Advanced age of parenthood does not mean never retiring.

 

[brewer12345]

I cannot believe there is this much chatter about men and dating women young enough to be their children, and that women typically don’t have any assets. And their oops getting pregnant.

I’ve got too much in assets and property for any guy to ever date me again. All I’ve ever encountered in the last 20 years is broke guys. Now I’m 20++ years too old for anyone under the age of what appear to be 80. I’m 58.

Assets, rockin bod, Uber intelligent, good cook, growing a 32’ x40’ garden I filled myself, and I can see and design all things home improvement - and I’ll never date again.... I know all you guys are thinking- ah she must be a bitch. With all this going on and zero eligible men that are not the age of decrepit, wouldn’t you be!!

Are there legal brothels aimed at women?

 

[Amethyst]

Well, you're at the thin end of several bell curves. That makes it hard to find a compatible mate even when young.

What struck me is that I cannot imagine a man with your attributes, worrying about whether any woman thinks he is a b**** (or whatever the male equivalent might be).

I
Assets, rockin bod, Uber intelligent, good cook, growing a 32’ x40’ garden I filled myself, and I can see and design all things home improvement - and I’ll never date again.... I know all you guys are thinking- ah she must be a bitch. With all this going on and zero eligible men that are not the age of decrepit, wouldn’t you be!!