is it a good idea to install indoor cam to monitor senior parents?

[harley]

If I was the old dude in this situation, and someone installed cameras to watch me, I'd just hand my dirty underwear over the lens.

Personally, I think something like some Amazon Echos with the drop-in feature enabled would do the job. Then if he falls he could call you for help, and if you don't hear from him you can call him. This can, of course, be accomplished by cell phones, but if he falls without having it on hand it becomes worthless. Something he can voice activate would be more useful.

 

[W2R]

I am almost 73 and getting older as time flies by.

If my daughter and son-in-law told me that they were going to install an indoor camera in my house to "monitor" me, my response would be so vehemently negative that I can't really post it here.

They could OFFER to do it, but would need to gracefully accept my response to such a nosy and disrespectful idea, which would be a less publicly acceptable version of, "not only NO, but H*** NO".

Why not just call me several times/day, instead if they're so worried? Goodness.

 

[twaddle]

You're not alone, W2R. I just talked to a friend who got the same response from her mom.

The difference is that she and her 3 siblings were all engineers, so they designed the system themselves. Mom still said "no way!"

Sadly, the story doesn't have a happy ending. So I think it's a problem worth solving, but in a way that stubborn old people like me would accept.

 

[W2R]

You're not alone, W2R. I just talked to a friend who got the same response from her mom.

The difference is that she and her 3 siblings were all engineers, so they designed the system themselves. Mom still said "no way!"

I'm an engineer. F is an engineer. My son-in-law is an engineer. So effing what. That doesn't make such a system any more acceptable or respectful of my privacy.

Sadly, the story doesn't have a happy ending. So I think it's a problem worth solving, but in a way that stubborn old people like me would accept.

It's called the T-E-L-E-P-H-O-N-E. Just call and if there is no answer, assume the worst and act as you would if you saw the parent passed out on your intrusive video system. Of course, this would not let you spy on your parents in such a degrading way, or trumpet what you mistakenly think is a wonderful engineering feat, to the world.

 

[twaddle]

Kids at a distance. Calling, what, every hour? No answer. In the shower? Outside for a walk? At Safeway? Dunno, let's call the neighbor for a wellness check. What? Neighbor says "stop calling me every day!"

 

[W2R]

Kids at a distance. Calling, what, every hour? No answer. In the shower? Outside for a walk? At Safeway? Dunno, let's call the neighbor for a wellness check. What? Neighbor says "stop calling me every day!"

If your parents are so close to death that they need to be checked on every single hour, day and night, then they need to be in hospice. Also I SERIOUSLY doubt that the nosy kids would be checking the video output every single hour, 24 hours/day. That's just a flimsy excuse for their intrusive and obnoxious behavior (IMO). Video is just not needed.

Forget the neighbor. They could call their parent 3-5 times a day and their parent would probably rejoice at hearing from them! I think they just don't want to be bothered with having to actually communicate with their parent if/when they are concerned. Pretty impersonal and disgusting IMO.

Oh, and you can take the camera that shows them inside the shower and stuff it (IMO). If they are not actually in the shower and just about to step inside it, then they'll have their cell phone with them and answer it. Same for walks and grocery store. That's why we have cell phones. After my total knee replacement surgery, I carried my cell phone and glasses with me everywhere in a small quilted coin purse with a cord on it, that went around my head and upper arm so that it would not go flying even if I fell. That way I could contact Frank immediately if I needed him. It works beautifully. When showering I put it in a dry place within reach.

 

[twaddle]

I know better than to pick a fight with you, W2R.

But maybe there's an approach that gives privacy, gives mom autonomy, gives her control, and still gives the kids a heads-up without daily active polling on their part?

Personally, I hate having to get my cell phone out of my pocket. Those kids texting me all the time? Argh.

 

[W2R]

I know better than to pick a fight with you, W2R.

But maybe there's an approach that gives privacy, gives mom autonomy, gives her control, and still gives the kids a heads-up without daily active polling on their part?

AH! Now we get down to the nitty gritty. The kids just feel it's too much hassle to speed dial mom or dad on their cell phone when they are busy watching Netflix or some other vitally important activity.

Personally, I hate having to get my cell phone out of my pocket. Those kids texting me all the time? Argh.

Then the problem morphs.... and so I think what you really need to do, is to figure out an easier way to get to your cell phone. Honestly I'd feel the same way if I insisted on carrying it in my pocket. How terribly inconvenient!

 

[kaudrey]

If the cameras are too intrusive, here is what we have done with my 83 father (healthy with no issues so far, but living alone after my mother passed away last year).

1) Life alert system, so he can press a button
2) Simple texting. My dad, sister and I text each other in the morning and at night. This way we know dad is OK twice a day. If he doesn't text, we call his land line and make sure he just forgot, which has happened a few times.

 

[W2R]

If the cameras are too intrusive, here is what we have done with my 83 father (healthy with no issues so far, but living alone after my mother passed away last year).

1) Life alert system, so he can press a button
2) Simple texting. My dad, sister and I text each other in the morning and at night. This way we know dad is OK twice a day. If he doesn't text, we call his land line and make sure he just forgot, which has happened a few times.

That sounds like a terrific solution to the problem, to me anyway.

 

[ivinsfan]

AH! Now we get down to the nitty gritty. The kids just feel it's too much hassle to speed dial mom or dad on their cell phone when they are busy watching Netflix or some other vitally important activity.

Then the problem morphs.... and so I think what you really need to do, is to figure out an easier way to get to your cell phone. Honestly I'd feel the same way if I insisted on carrying it in my pocket. How terribly inconvenient!

Problems do morph, the original query was about a 97 year old man. we don't know if he can do smart phone, can hear the phone ring or has good enough eyesight to text. Not to mention remembering to keep the phone charged.

I imagine the camera and such kinds of solutions are not the first step people think of for parent safety.

But I don't feel laziness or hassle is the major driver for people's children. I also think that where we are in the moment plays a big part of how we feel about our kids wanting to make sure we are safe. An able bodied older adult with an involved partner might have a different attitude then a frailer older person living along that has serious health issues.

Both sides need to be aware and respectful of what each party feels is OK. And no one should force too much monitoring on any adult. If someone values their independence above all things and realizes they might expire alone because no one knew they needed help, that's their decision.



I don't assume bad intent on either side.

 

[ivinsfan]

If the cameras are too intrusive, here is what we have done with my 83 father (healthy with no issues so far, but living alone after my mother passed away last year).

1) Life alert system, so he can press a button
2) Simple texting. My dad, sister and I text each other in the morning and at night. This way we know dad is OK twice a day. If he doesn't text, we call his land line and make sure he just forgot, which has happened a few times.

This is a really good idea to try and make sure all our older relatives are comfortable with smart phones, I know of oldsters that aren't smart phone savvy.

 

[meierlde]

Actually a part of the solution is motion dectors used in the opposite sense to which they are usually. Have motion sensors in all bathrooms and the kitchen. Set the system up so that if there is no motion for several hours send an alarm. If the person still drives have a sensor detect if the vehicle is there and stop the clock and reset it when the car returns. In this fashion the knowledge transmitted is that there has been no motion around in the checked rooms for X hours and a check is warranted.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I have noticed on many threads kids get too obsessed with their parent’s safety. As a former social worker adults have a right to not be safe if they are of sound mind. Many people value their privacy and independence. Yes sometimes people end up suffering because of their choices. My mom was a strong person that valued her independence and we all respected that. My dad had to be cared for because he had a big stroke. Luckily he avoided a nursing home because of my mom caring for him. I helped her.

 

[Sunset]

When our over 90 Dad was healthy and capable we didn't worry or obsess about him falling down. So had no thoughts of a camera.

1 yr later, he is not safe. Not healthy, as "forgets" to eat.
He cannot move to a supported living apt as covid would probably kill him.
He reported to me he fell down and couldn't get up for a long time. He has trouble getting up out of a chair these days!

I think I have the choice; come over one day to find him dead, maybe smelly if I don't visit for a week OR convince him a kitchen and living room camera is a good idea.

I know phoning him 4 times per day would drive him batty, especially when he is in the toilet, etc, and no he cannot operate a cell phone - he had one and it was always dead/missing.

I'm interested in this thread as the ideas presented, I view as alternatives to help a person stay in their home, instead of a nursing home or supported living apt.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Sunset, your dad has the choice not you. Present him with the options including laying on the floor and slowly dying and let him choose.

 

[HarveyS]

I think some type of camera is a great idea. I wish we had done that with my DM. She had memory issues and 'lost' the cell phone. Usually it wasn't charged anyway. She had a life alert pendant and cord in her senior apartment. But on the occasions when she needed help she forgot to activate it. We gave her an iPad to FaceTime with, but couldn't remember what button to push (the big green one). We would practice with her, wait 10 minutes, and she would forget.

It's not an easy problem. If I could do it all over, I would get some type of two-way video device and hang it on the wall facing her chair in the kitchen. This device would auto answer if I or a sibling called, and we would pop up on the screen for her to see. Likewise we would see her. It would be hardwired so that it never became uncharged, and it would be fastened to the wall so she couldn't misplace it. Seeing someone can tell you a great deal more about them then just talking.

It has to be a case by case decision. If all is well, then it is up to the parent. Sometimes our parents are so bad off (mentally) that they need an agent to act for them. I don't agree that the decision is up to the parent in these cases.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Harvey, obviously if the parent has dementia someone has to step in. I didn’t let my friend with dementia make decisions once she was really bad off. She got to make them though before she reached that point. I just see so many kids stepping in to make themselves feel better on these types of threads. People I know feel like I do and thankfully my kids agree.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I have admittedly not read most of the replies but wanted to share my experience. My Dad passed away just shy of 91 years old. He was fiercly indepenant for most of his life and only required my "moved in" assistance the last few weeks of his life. Prior to that, he was getting up a lot at night and had a slight fall one of those evenings.

I told him that he had 2 choices: 1) move in w/ DW and me, or 2) allow me to keep tabs via video monitoring. He chose the cameras. I bought the 5 pack of Blink cameras from Amazon (has motion sensing) and it was a God-send. He was able to keep his independence just a little longer, and I didn't have to worry about him falling/getting hurt and not finding out until our morning or evening "check in" calls. Which...since he was deaf as a doornail, I had to make the call...he often WOULDN'T HEAR IT (W2R...I'm talking to you).

That's all I really have to say about it, but I do really recommend the Blink cameras, they worked very well for me.

Edit: One more story. My DW's grandmother also lived alone, about 2 miles from her daughter. She too was fiercely independent and only talked to the daughter once or twice a week. Well, one evening, she fell in the tub and couldn't get out. She languished there for 3 days before the daughter checked on her (calls were going unanswered). In those 3 days, she suffered a stroke and had hypothermia. After a hospital stay, she went to a nursing home and died a few months later at the age of 81. As you might imagine, the daughter harbors a lot of guilt about what happened. Had there been cameras (or some other check in system) this story may have ended much differently.

 

[teetee]

I am the OP. I am 44 and I have to admit I never thought about installing some camera in someone's house just to keep them safe, until my grandfather had a stroke in front of me.



One day after his first stroke and came back from the hospital, he was cooking breakfast as part of the rehab plan at his apartment one morning. After cooking was pretty much done and he was portioning the food into his bowl for breakfast, he told me (I was standing behind him in the kitchen) that he was tired. I asked if he wants to go to bed and I can finish the rest and wake him up in a bit. He did not answer. I called him a few times. No response. Then his head tilted forward and he dropped the spoon. I had to grab his head and put my arm around his chest so he would not fall off the chair.



At that time he completely lost the consciousness and kept drooling for the next 5 mins until the ambulance came and took him to the hospital.


I have considered life alert system with fall detection but as 91 yr old he does forget things easily. He does not speak much English (well with full dentures it's hard to tell what he says anyway), and he is not able to use a smart phone after the stroke. You will have to see him to understand why camera option is on the top of our priority list. It takes some effort for him to tell time or feel if he is hungry.


He is not vegetable and he is mobile with 4-wheel walker (just 10x slower than normal person) but even he knows he cannot do lots of things like he used to after have two strokes. Having me and my relative taking turns staying with him did not give him much privacy in the past month either and he was fine with it. He is not rejecting the idea of the camera installation. Despite he keeps saying that he has lived long enough (he mentioned that almost every time we told him to do the muscle exercise that the therapists prescribed), he is scared of death (or die alone) more than anyone we know.

 

[Sunset]

Sunset, your dad has the choice not you. Present him with the options including laying on the floor and slowly dying and let him choose.

I agree it's his choice as he is not so bad as to be unable to make choices.

 

[nwsteve]

You can help your dad with his chair issue with a chair that rises and tilts to assists exit.https://www.wayfair.com/furniture/s...8_7046_136922~Lift+Chairs.Type.Seat+Assists.B
Not recommending any of these but to illustrate. We bought used for father and mother inlaw

 

[Isthisit]

I w*rk in home health and go to assisted living facilities. At ALF I would not put in cameras because resident either go to dining room or has meal delivered to room at least once a day. Some ALF staff administer all meds and check on residents twice a day (usually under disguise of emptying trash). I have had patients who live in ALF who had cameras. They will have a sign on door to room saying electronic monitoring devices are in the room. Apple watches can detect hard fall and that may be a good option.

Personally if I was grandpa I would get Apple Watch (even if I couldn’t read the screen or know how to use, have family set it up) and not want cameras.

 

[Isthisit]

Sunset
If he has any recent falls you can call his PCP and inform them. If you aren’t MPOA they won’t share info but you can share info with them. They can order home health for occupational therapy,physical therapy, and/or nursing. Home health works on keeping patients safe and active in their home.

 

[Retired Expat]

Apple Watch has a great fall feature. It can notify you if there is a serious fall. Sometimes if I bang my hand too hard it asks if I am alright and if I don’t respond it will call my wife, which would likely give her a heart attack!