Keep it equitable between kids?

[Amethyst]

Well said. Even though he's your DNA made manifest, you can't anticipate what your older kid is thinking. He might be keeping score, or he might not even care. Or a combo.

But when he decides he wants something (that you approve of), just pay for it, and don't even mention "this makes up for not doing SCUBA."

I'd probably just keep track of the expense, and then, if/when other child asks for something, you are ready. I wouldn't offer up an immediate balancing, but kind of just be ready for when the time comes. You don't want the 17 year old going.. Hmm ok I guess I'll try horseback riding... just because the money is being offered.

Better to have a plan for when there is a need, vs. other kid finding something just to spend the money because it's offered. So, in 18 months or 5 years, when other kid (yes I realize they'll be out of the house then) has a desire you can help with, you step in with an offer.

 

[Keim]

In my experience the dollars allotted to each child matter less in matters of fairness than the time allotted.

 

[luckydude]

Thanks all so much for the input. I'll need to sleep on it a few more times I suppose. The other wrinkle and perhaps why this is bugging me in my gut is the older (not in scuba) has been the chronic "scorekeeper" since childhood. The younger not at all. Although the older is maturing and turning into a good young man, we still catch glimpses of the "playing favorites" attitude.

If the older child has been a "scorekeeper" since childhood, then I think you're going to have other, much bigger issues down the road as it relates to perceived fairness regarding any bequest/legacy, whether it's money, family heirloom or whatever

Based on my personal experience, I think the tendency to keep score is natural born---there isn't much that can be done about it.

I have seen first hand how the tendency of an heir to "keep score" over time has resulted in expensive litigation and years of fighting among siblings and co-heirs over inheritance. So, I think it does make sense for you to "keep score" for your kids for sake of fairness while you're still around and to make sure that there's no lingering issues that can potentially result in your heirs' dispute/litigation of your estate after you're gone.

 

[ducky911]

I think it is great that the younger son wants to spend time with you. I would say you only owe the older son the same curtesy to spend time with you doing anything.

You risk your younger son seeing the older son getting cash and decide he to would rather have cash than spend time with you.

 

[WD40 or duct tape]

Thanks all for the great input - it's very much appreciated.

 

[charliep]

It is too bad that one is/maybe a "scorekeeper." You don't have to be. My middle son was a nationally competitive gymnast. We took or sent him all over the country to compete. The oldest played hockey and lacrosse. The youngest watched a lot of games and is now a career Marine. We did the best we could to give each one what he needed. The older two graduated from college debt free, the Corps is paying for the youngest. My opinion is that you support them in what they are interested in, when they are interested. Dollars should not be the measuring stick. Good luck!

 

[KrissK]

As a fellow diver with at least 175 dives under my belt, I wouldn't allow a child to become certified unless they were at least 16 and incredibly mature. Just my opinion...Welcome to the sport!

 

[6miths]

Interesting thread. We have 4 kids and never considered this at all - lots of differentials - private school of different durations, different sports, different hobbies, different cost of dental care, different travel, different food cost, vehicle usage and insurances, etc, etc... where would one stop. At the end of the day try to be rationale and supportive and figure it all evens out in the end - or doesn't.

 

[Vinnygret]

In need of advice - DW, youngest child (15), and I started a new hobby, SCUBA, and we're loving it so far. Oldest child (17) has no interest at all in learning SCUBA. I'm quickly learning just how pricey this new activity can be.
In our house, I preach FIE (Fair Isn't Equal). However, this is kind of a unique situation and I really don't want to cause a sibling rift right before the oldest leaves for college. It's never been an issue before as they've both participated in the same activities.

I considered averaging the cost of the classes & gear per person and giving the same to the oldest to pursue an educational hobby / or open a custodial and let him invest that amount? Any other ideas? Am I overthinking?

1. You're absolutely overthinking
2. It seems you don't actually practice what you say you preach.
3. From an outsiders point of view, you've offered an activity to both children; one chooses to embrace it, the other isn't interested. You seem to feel that you now OWE Mr. Not-interested something due to his lack of interest in a proffered activity. If you choose to believe that, go ahead and "make it up to him". Or you could just help him learn how to 'grown-up'. The latter would have been my choice.

 

[ivinsfan]

1. You're absolutely overthinking
2. It seems you don't actually practice what you say you preach.
3. From an outsiders point of view, you've offered an activity to both children; one chooses to embrace it, the other isn't interested. You seem to feel that you now OWE Mr. Not-interested something due to his lack of interest in a proffered activity. If you choose to believe that, go ahead and "make it up to him". Or you could just help him learn how to 'grown-up'. The latter would have been my choice.

AS to number three sometimes kids don't have the same interest, it's perfectly fine to ask the other child if they have a different interest they would like to pursue. This was one option mentioned by the OP and the one I'd employ, if the kid says No, then it's over and done.

 

[ivinsfan]

Thanks all so much for the input. I'll need to sleep on it a few more times I suppose. The other wrinkle and perhaps why this is bugging me in my gut is the older (not in scuba) has been the chronic "scorekeeper" since childhood. The younger not at all. Although the older is maturing and turning into a good young man, we still catch glimpses of the "playing favorites" attitude.

OK, ihas the oldest got a sharp pencil or does the youngest somehow just get more stuff, money or parental time? Or IOW do you play favorites without even realizing it? (that's a hard question, but think about it.)

 

[Retired Expat]

For me it is not the dollars for the lessons or equipment that needs to be balanced out but the time spent and bonding with one child over the other.

 

[brett]

Our children are treated differently to a certain extent.

They will both share equally in our estate. But, one currently has children, the other probably will not have any.

We deposit $2500. per year for each of our three grandchildren toward an edu fund. Our current will calls for $100K off the top to be placed in trust for each grandchild's post secondary expenses. That number will be adjusted from time to time.

So the family with three children will end up with a slightly bigger piece of the pie.

Is this equitable? We think so because all of our grandchildren will be treated equally. Is my son, the one with no children, resentful? Absolutely not.

 

[Romer]

I have two daughters and when they were younger the oldest wanted to play in a more competitive Volley ball team that was $1000. The younger one did not. I did not work to make the dollar value even. The next year the younger one wanted to play Chello and I bought her a cello and didn't do anything for the older one

How you make it fair is allow them to pursue things that interest them within reason. Dollars are not important. It is the opportunity and choices in being fair

 

[Mook1e]

Talk to them about it.
Talk to them about everything. Most importantly, talk to them about being adults, the value of time and family over money, and how people and happiness are the goal, not the means.

 

[street]

WD40, I would say you're over thinking it. Is this the FIRST time that one son hasn't participated in the same equal cost activity that the other son did? If so, that is amazing!
When my daughters were growing up, one was a dancer and the other was a club soccer player. Both involved a certain amount of costs but we never tried to "keep it equitable" in terms of $ spent.
Today, the dancer daughter has two girls, one who is a gymnast and the other does dancing and by far, the gymnast costs much more with private lessons in addition to the regular classes, etc.
If the older son has a particular hobby or activity he would rather do than Scuba, then by all means, pay for it, but I wouldn't think it has to be of equal value necessarily.

I think this a good way to handle it.

 

[brett]

I have two daughters and when they were younger the oldest wanted to play in a more competitive Volley ball team that was $1000. The younger one did not. I did not work to make the dollar value even. The next year the younger one wanted to play Chello and I bought her a cello and didn't do anything for the older one

How you make it fair is allow them to pursue things that interest them within reason. Dollars are not important. It is the opportunity and choices in being fair

EXACTLY.

I cannot imagine reducing every act of love down to a dollar figure. To me, it is representative of what is wrong in our society.

We never gave this even a thought when our children were growing up and now that they are adults. Neither did our children.

As others have said, would it not be better to measure the time you spend with your children vs. comparing what you spend on them. It is about much more than money.

 

[samcat]

As parents to two boys, 26 and 23, we would have never worried about this. The kids had the same opportunities. It was up to them if they took advantage. In fact, I never thought about it and neither one has ever said anything about it. The older one did 10 years of tae kwon do and went to DC in 8th grade and Europe after high school. The younger one had the opportunity to do all and didn't want to. It was his choice and he's never complained about the money.

One went to college. The other became a pilot. I think the costs are about equal but only because the college kid got three semesters free because he was a graduate student instructor. But, if he hadn't, we wouldn't offer up money to the pilot. They both did what they wanted to do and we paid.

Now, for me, my parents just this week gave my brother a $100k "advance on his inheritance" to help him buy a house when I know my brother has a couple million net worth. I'm totally unhappy. My parents have never given either of us money and this comes out of nowhere. I know that it is my parent's money and they can do what they want but I don't think they have enough money to be giving anything away and it isn't fair that they give him something.

I read lots of posts about families that have issues with this type of thing but never thought it would happen to my family. I'm never doing this to my kids.

Yes, I have to get over it but it is still pretty raw.

 

[Souschef]

samcat's story hit me. One of my sons went through a divorce which trashed his credit. He married about 10 years ago to a really nice lady. About a year ago, they were house hunting, and he approached me about helping him with the down payment as an "advance on his inheritance". I told him that I would give him $250K, and he broke down and had to excuse himself to collect his emotions.
That amount did not affect our life at all, and I adjusted the beneficiaries on my accounts to give $250K to my other son, so it was even handed.

 

[skyking1]

Just be ready to support him with his dreams. There's really no way to quantify it or put a price tag on it.

 

[Librarian]

You are over thinking this

After reading this, I reflected on our 3 children.
Boys select baseball & basketball that involved A LOT of travel.
DD danced from the time she was 3. Cheer/Dance team at school involved a trip to Chicago or FL for competition annually. Dance classes were about $500/mo those last few years (remarkably cheap...some studios were 2-3x higher) plus several hundred on uniforms/costumes/year.
I suppose DD's was higher overall...but hers was compacted into 4 years.
Boys played 3 sports from the age of 5.
Who did we spend more on?
I have NO idea--certainly didn't have time to do those figures w/ both of us working full time & 3 busy kids/teens.

Now that they are all young adults, DD NEVER has needed $ from us.
DS26 decided to move out to CA Jan. 2020. Yeah, bad timing.
Needless to say he has needed a bit of $ from us to tide him over (he just moved home last week...contemplating his next steps).
DS21 still in college so who knows?

More than likely SOMETHING at SOME time will come up that the oldest has greater $ needs from you.
I say roll with it.

 

[Time2]

We never did the equal thing. Youngest went to college and grad school, my oldest didn't want to go. I darn sure am not handing him 40k just to even things out ��

I'm thinking just the opposite. I have daughter that decided on Dental school after college and a Masters. This was years after being married. So We have spent $300k on Dental school for one and zip on the other, or at least equal amounts getting them through 4 years college.
I'm thinking about gifting the max for several years to the other and then splitting the inheritance after death.


This whole scenario seems outlandish as we are two high school educated middle class earners that started living frugal and investing early and ended up where $300k doesn't change our lifestyle at all.

 

[brett]

My view was always that it was my parents money to do with it what they wished.

Am I upset because they supported my sister to a much greater extent financially after she became a single parent and went back to university?

Absolutely not. Did I expect this to be reflected in their eventual distribution of assets? Of course not. I never gave it a thought other than to be happy that my sister was able to move forward with her life. I knew that they would do the exact same for me if it had been required.

I could not even imagine having such a huge sense of entitlement.

Life is about much more than the money, our fragile egos, and our personal greed. I cannot imagine going through life being resentful toward my parents or siblings over a money issue. Life is far too short for that nonsense.

 

[Librarian]

I'm thinking just the opposite. I have daughter that decided on Dental school after college and a Masters. This was years after being married. So We have spent $300k on Dental school for one and zip on the other, or at least equal amounts getting them through 4 years college.
I'm thinking about gifting the max for several years to the other and then splitting the inheritance after death.


This whole scenario seems outlandish as we are two high school educated middle class earners that started living frugal and investing early and ended up where $300k doesn't change our lifestyle at all.

$300K is considerably different than a few grand.

Luckily our children had 529s set up by the inlaws.
DS26--got a Masters after private school undergrad, cleared his 529 out
DD23--same private undergrad; still has a nice chunk of 529 if she decides on grad school or will roll it over for her own children
DS21--went public. That plus the fact that all their 529s were set up at the same time, his 529 has as much in it after 5 semesters of college than the other 2 did to start.

But college isn't for everyone, so 529s do have their disadvantages.
I think your plan is fair.