Retire where your kids will want to visit you?

[Calico]

From experience.


Live where you want and when you want to go see your kids and grandkids, go close by and get a great hotel where they can come over and swim and eat great.


Young couples are starving for time and the travel to go see relatives and sleep on the couch is hard on them.


Also. From what I've seen as people get older they don't have the patience to have grandchildren running loose in their house. It's better to have your own roofs and space.


Live where you want and go see them and have fun.

+100

I think folks often overestimate how much their grown children will come to visit them, and underestimate what a strain (time, money, traveling with kids) it places on the visitors.

 

[Scuba]

There's some math that should be done with any place you chose, especially if it's cheap to stay put. How much more would it cost, one time and annual, to move to the fabled kid magnet location? For that money, could you sponsor an all-expenses paid trip to any one of many kid magnet locations? Wouldn't it be fun to say this year on Myconos, next year on Waikiki?

Great idea!

 

[street]

I have a good friend that is retired also and they bought a home in a metro area where both their kids live. They go back and forth from their residence to second home where kids live. They love it they say, and they help with grand kids etc. and with kids busy life.

We are very fortunate to have our newlyweds close (50 miles) to us. Close enough but far enough also.

 

[freedomatlast]

If you want frequent visits from the kids and grand kids, move close to them, within an hours drive by car. Not so close you are smothering them, but close enough for casual visits, the ability to attend activities and to help out as needed.

Of course, this is a two way street so to speak, as you become older, you may need more help from them, so again geographic proximity is very important.

 

[Bamaman]

Our children have their own lives 3 hrs. away, and the grandchildren now are having their own kids (great grandkids) and live in other cities.

Although we talk by phone a couple of times a day, their work lives keep them busy as they most likely won't see ER.

Our lake house is in between, but we seldom get them there. If there's any moving close, it's going to have to be us moving close to them whenever we cannot take care of our personal needs.

 

[athena53]

From experience.


Live where you want and when you want to go see your kids and grandkids, go close by and get a great hotel where they can come over and swim and eat great.
<snip>

Also. From what I've seen as people get older they don't have the patience to have grandchildren running loose in their house. It's better to have your own roofs and space.


Live where you want and go see them and have fun.

Hotels are great fun for kids. I started taking my older granddaughter to a nearby hotel for an overnight when she was 4. She's now 7 and her 4-year old sister comes with us. We're stopping till COVID is under control; on our last visit masks were optional for vaccinated employees and customers and 95% of adults were unmasked in a state with <50% vaccinated. Visit the pool, visit the gym (if it doesn't disturb other users), ride the elevators, choose a bedtime snack from the pantry in the lobby, have dinner in the room (they think microwaved mac and cheese is a great treat).

Agreed on their visits. I have a calm, uncluttered, non baby-proof house. They were just here last weekend and it was glorious but crazy. I'm still finding stuff in the wrong place and have not yet found where the 2-year old put the Roku TV remote 3 months ago. (The smartphone app is a good substitute.) I mopped the floors yesterday to get the crumbs and spills before the ants found them.

It gives me deep respect for people who provide child care for their grandchildren.

 

[Koolau]

From experience.


Live where you want and when you want to go see your kids and grandkids, go close by and get a great hotel where they can come over and swim and eat great.


Young couples are starving for time and the travel to go see relatives and sleep on the couch is hard on them.


Also. From what I've seen as people get older they don't have the patience to have grandchildren running loose in their house. It's better to have your own roofs and space.


Live where you want and go see them and have fun.

Agreed. No place insures that your kids will visit you. Our kids are scattered across half the continental USA. What we have found is that they tend to return to their roots (our old home town) because of friends, family, in-laws and perhaps nostalgia. It works for them to have a family reunion "back home."

In any case, it happens that our old homestead is there. We return in the summer and most of the kids end up visiting (for whatever reasons - not necessarily to see us). We piggy back off their visits and then they don't need to travel to where we live most of the year. Nor do we need to go visit them all across the nation. So far, none of the kids have come to visit us where we live most of the year.

I've seen people move to be closer to their kids only to have the kids move someplace else. I never understood it but I respect it. It's just not us. We love the kids and they are welcome any time. We just won't live our lives around them. We did that when they were growing up. We now have separate lives. This is all a very personal life-style choice so, more than ever, YMMV.

 

[tb001]

The one other thing I’ll say—if you really want to see grandkids *often,* the best way to do this is to live close. Close enough that you can be easy childcare.

I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it, as often the families I see doing this have a fair amount of stress over grandparents who are ‘too involved,’ but the ability to have help with young kids supersedes almost any relationship stress.

As a parent of two under 6, I would kill for just one set of local and involved grandparents. Those who have them often seem to take it for granted.

And I agree with calico so much about expectations that they travel to you. It’s too much to put on a young family.

 

[Aerides]

I'd be thinking less in terms of "how do we get them to come to us" than "how do we get to them" more often.

Your kids and gk's have limited budgets and time. And probably don't want to feel obligated to spend one of their 2 or 3 weeks annual vacation traveling to their parents/in-laws every year, even if it's the coolest location in the world.

So what I'd consider:

Live close enough that you can pop around (invited) for coffee and help out when needed
Live a couple of hours drive away so they can easily come by for a long weekend, or you to them
Live wherever you like and budget to visit them a couple times a year, when invited, in a nearby hotel if your stay will be longer than 3 days...or whatever seems appropriate if they have the extra space and privacy.

 

[disneysteve]

+100

I think folks often overestimate how much their grown children will come to visit them, and underestimate what a strain (time, money, traveling with kids) it places on the visitors.

15 years ago, my mom, who at the time lived about 30 minutes away, sold her house and moved to a senior apartment building 3 miles away. Until COVID hit, I don't think I saw her any more often than when she lived farther away. It's not about the distance; it's about the time.


Thanks to COVID, I've actually seen her a lot more because I do all of her grocery shopping, pick up her prescriptions, etc. So I typically see her once a week which never used to happen before.


I can't speak from experience otherwise but if you want to see your family often, you need to live near your family. If you want to live some significant distance away, you need to accept the reality that you probably won't see them very much. Thankfully we have Zoom and Facetime.

 

[GTFan]

We've been struggling with this question this year - with Covid the DW has had the realization that we only have so much time on this planet, so she wants to get a place in FL. We still live within an hour from the kids here in the ATL and visit places we like in FL, but I am feeling the pull of something like a beach condo there. However I know that even if we get something directly on the beach, the kids only have so much time to take off. It's tough to deal with not seeing your grandchildren grow up if you don't see them on a regular basis.

So it is a dilemma - my Dad retired to the FL panhandle 20 years ago and he loves it, but we only see him once or twice a year even though we could go whenever. The places we're looking at in FL are anywhere from 6-8 hour drive for the kids so it's not as easy, and I know that would impact the times we see them.

 

[pacergal]

How often do your kids visit or do you go to them now? That could be a clue to how visits would continue, no matter where you live.

We never needed to move for a job, so are in the same house for 30+ years. Both our kids have stayed in the same area, in fact, my siblings and their kids , DH sister, we are all within 30 minute drive of each other. Rather unusual, but nice.
However, even being so close, other than our kids and grands, I may not see nieces/nephews but maybe once a year at Christmas. My siblings and I get together once a month or Zoom
So close proximity does not necessarily mean you will see relatives often.

 

[ugeauxgirl]

I can remember the frustration of my parents and husband's parents (who were retired) always asking when WE were coming to visit. We were working full time with kids. We were exhausted just trying to keep up with life- we would have loved for them to visit US. THEY were retired and had time and money for visiting. I'm going to try to remember that when my kids are grown!

 

[ivinsfan]

We've been struggling with this question this year - with Covid the DW has had the realization that we only have so much time on this planet, so she wants to get a place in FL. We still live within an hour from the kids here in the ATL and visit places we like in FL, but I am feeling the pull of something like a beach condo there. However I know that even if we get something directly on the beach, the kids only have so much time to take off. It's tough to deal with not seeing your grandchildren grow up if you don't see them on a regular basis.

So it is a dilemma - my Dad retired to the FL panhandle 20 years ago and he loves it, but we only see him once or twice a year even though we could go whenever. The places we're looking at in FL are anywhere from 6-8 hour drive for the kids so it's not as easy, and I know that would impact the times we see them.

I don't know how old your GKs or even if you have them yet. My experience from having 4 from 10 to 5/12 is that the first 6 to 8 years are crucial for proximity. We have seen ours in 2 different families often and consistently since birth. I've noticed the 9 and 10 years old aren't engaging nearly as much as when they were younger. They have a play date, are reading a book, and so on and so on.



I remarked to DH after a visit to the 8 and 10 YO Sunday that we finally have time to sit down and talk to their parents.


11 years ago when we sold off the dairy we thought long and hard about pulling the trigger on a snow bird home. Then the first GK came followed pretty quickly by the next two, so we just did a one month snowbird trip.


Now that they are older it would be easier to buy a snowbird place and/or move The kids are mobile, there is Zoom and texting and such.


The issue 10 years later is that at into the 70's and late 60's we don't seem to want the hassle involved with a big change like that.



It was the right choice for us ,but each choice comes with a "what if" or two.

 

[brett]

Our son moved to Europe. Then came back to our city. Then moved across the country. Who knows where he will be next.

Daughter moved 8 hr drive away. They just bought a business property in our area. Who knows if they will move or stay where they are.

People are more mobile today. Heck, we are in our late 60's. Even we moved four times from one end of the country to another. In many instances to cities where we had no relatives.

 

[Sunset]

Live where you want to live, and go visit them staying at a hotel nearby.
Working families get 2 weeks vacation time, and there are lots of demands to use that time to go other places, or to eat up the vacation time because the kids have no sitter available.

I recall when working, and small kids, we only saw my Mom every 1 or 2 months. We didn't have time and were busy, or when we were free, she wasn't.
She lived 30 minutes away !

When she babysat for us, is when we got to see her everyday as it was scheduled, but after a couple of years she said it was too much.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I think it is much easier to visit the kids and grandkids than it is for them to visit you. They are working and in school. You aren't. Live where you want to live. Visit the kids, arrange to vacation together, but you need to respect their time and help your kids have the vacation they want and need, not the one you want them to have.

 

[tb001]

I’m actually pleasantly surprised at how many people have commented on going to visit the kids/grandkids vs having them come to you.

My father and his wife traveled extensively all over Europe and the US, but came to CA to see me all of one time in 25+ yrs. But even now, the first words out of my now senile dad’s mouth when I talk with him are a guilt trip about when I’m going to come visit them. And the invites were always to come for Xmas, even when we had infants. So a full day of travel, with two kids under 3, during holiday travel, to the Midwest in winter and an airport that was served by one $$$ airline. It was a huge strain on our relationship and probably a large part of the reason I stopped calling him regularly.

There was just a total disconnect in their minds about kids coming to them vs them making the effort. I’m still resentful about it!

So to the OP, don’t do that

 

[livingalmostlarge]

Move within 1-2 hours from them a "vacationy" area that they will enjoy driving and visiting. Then you'll get lots of grandparent time AND easy accessibility to seeing graduations birthdays etc. EVERYTHING will be a win. Don't stay in your town but move where they are. Don't move to a vacation place you hope they visit because they won't.

Personal experience is I moved closer to my parents which sounds stupid since hawaii is far no matter how you cut it. But I no longer live on the east coast and a 5 hour direct flight is closest I get until we retire. I saw my mom every other month since we've moved and until covid she came every birthday with the kids and every christmas/new years. My mom flew up January, April, sometimes may/june, July, Oct, December and we go back August and February usually. My dad came 2x/year. We also tended to travel with them a few times including an alaska cruise. My kids remember my mom from when we lived back east and would spend a month at a time, but the intimacy of coming often and seeing us on a whim helped a lot. My parents really struggled with covid and not seeing us for 10 months. I've been back 2x with kids since March 2020 because they were struggling with the isolation.

I now live also a direct flight to my in-laws or 10-12 hour drive. They could easily move 2 hours away but they have made a decision money is more important than DH and the only grandchildren they have or will have. They have chosen that they do not want to spend their money and buy a new place that is more expensive or rent or downsize and be close to us to see them every month. Instead we haven't seen them in 2 years and they are still choosing $$ over time with us. No they are very well off. So their relationship with us is what it is. They have made their decision. Prior to covid we would go 2x/year to see them July and December. But it was expensive and consuming. Had they chosen to live 2 hours away they would have had a lot more time with our girls now 11 and 9. We moved over 6 years ago and they were given lots of chances. They have absolutely no ties to the city they live in. It's not even the city DH grew up in, instead it's 4 hours south. So they don't have working friends. They only have us in the states or Canada. They have made their decision.

 

[Jenna]

We are near Disney And we still visit the kids on the East Coast.

 

[disneysteve]

We are near Disney

I'll visit you. We leave on Monday. Coming for the 50th anniversary festivities. And to start scoping neighborhoods where we might like to buy.

 

[Retch The Grate]

My folks retired where they want to live, downtown Boston. I don't mind visiting, and pre-Covid we usually visited them once a year and they would come visit once or twice a year. Fortunately even before the pandemic I'd gotten them used to the idea of just hanging out on FaceTime without needing to be "on" or having an agenda and now they really appreciate the casual hanging out. It can be once every couple of weeks or four or five times in a single week just depending on how often I feel like reaching out. I really appreciate the electronic connection.

Having said all that, my grandfather had a beach house in Westhampton that we summered at throughout my childhood, we got lots of family time, time with my grandad and his friends, occasional overlap with my uncle's family, and my parents kept doing plenty of time out there with him even when it became a rare treat for me to get out there. I still miss that beach house and those slow summer weeks.

 

[Scuba]

A lot of So CA retirees move to the Palm Springs area. They can sell their $2M home in LA or OC and get a really nice place in the desert for half or less. It’s a resort area that is only a 2 hour drive away, so not to hard for families to come out and visit, even just for long weekends. Our neighbors have GK’s and they seem to spend every major holiday together in the desert.

I like the advice of moving somewhere that’s within an hour or two of the GK’s and getting to spend lots of time together during visits.

 

[robnplunder]

I plan to live around my kid. It would remove the stress of visiting for both.

 

[Surewhitey]

We lived in LA and Playa del Carmen. The kiddo visited & stayed with us in Cali as we were close to Malibu beaches and hiking in the hills.

We usually would pick them up in Cancun and hit our favorite beach towns in Isla Mujeres, Puerto Morelos or Mahahual & make it a family vacation / exploration of the Yucatan.

We're now 1 street over with DGC #2 coming in December. We see them daily and they still invite us to go on vacas with them. We must be doing something right...