Retire where your kids will want to visit you?

[Music Lover]

I always hated being "forced" to visit my parents since I only had a few weeks of leave and they were retired. They had two things I didn't have- time and money. We did visit every few years, but it was always a struggle.

I agree. It's selfish to expect your kids to use their very limited vacation time dragging their kids to visit their parents at their dream retirement home. It's a hassle and cuts into their other plans.

Retired people have time and money...use it to visit them. Come on a long weekend, stay in a nice hotel with a water park and have the grandkids visit you there. Mom and Dad get a break and no one has to burn valuable vacation time.

 

[Katsmeow]

I think it is a complicated issue. On the idea of wanting to move where kids will want to visit, lots of people have pointed out the fallacies in this. I think it is a little more complicated than that.

I take issue somewhat with the idea that the parents are the ones with time and money to visit. With my parents that varied. Early on when I was in my 20s they were still working (both of them worked) and they had more money than I did. We basically alternated visiting each other. No one stayed in a hotel. Later they were retired and I had more money. So we would usually go get my mom (she was a widow by then) and she would come stay with us for a week or so. I would occasionally visit her and I was the one who stayed in a hotel. The point is that depending on age and circumstances, parents may not have money to come stay in a hotel for a week. I recently went to the town where my kids live (the trip was for a medical reason). We stayed at a hotel for 2 nights. We had dinner with kids. The trip cost almost $1000! For one of our kids to see us, their cost is much less. They have gas to drive to us (about 4 to 5 hour drive) and then they stay with us and we cover their food, etc. For me to go to them is far more expensive because they can't accommodate us since they are in the apartment and roommates stage of life.


About the moving to an area where the child will want to visit, that depends. That is -- let's say you have a choice of two equally appealing options. Staying in the same city as your kids or moving away. In that case, you will certainly see them more where the kids are located (of course, they can move away). On the moving away front. It seems obvious to me that you will see them more often if you move 200 miles away than if you move 2000 miles away, regardless of the amenities at each place. During my adulthood I lived about 250 miles from my parents and I saw them every few months. Sometimes I went there and sometimes they came to me (always staying with me not at a hotel).

Now - if you decided on moving 200 miles away and one option is a resort area with lots of amenities and the other is an area with nothing much to recommend it then I would choose the resort area.

 

[Music Lover]

I take issue somewhat with the idea that the parents are the ones with time and money to visit. With my parents that varied. Early on when I was in my 20s they were still working (both of them worked) and they had more money than I did. We basically alternated visiting each other. No one stayed in a hotel. Later they were retired and I had more money. So we would usually go get my mom (she was a widow by then) and she would come stay with us for a week or so. I would occasionally visit her and I was the one who stayed in a hotel. The point is that depending on age and circumstances, parents may not have money to come stay in a hotel for a week. I recently went to the town where my kids live (the trip was for a medical reason). We stayed at a hotel for 2 nights. We had dinner with kids. The trip cost almost $1000! For one of our kids to see us, their cost is much less. They have gas to drive to us (about 4 to 5 hour drive) and then they stay with us and we cover their food, etc. For me to go to them is far more expensive because they can't accommodate us since they are in the apartment and roommates stage of life.

Your situation is different. The OP is retired and planning on moving to their dream house/location so they have both the time and money to visit their kids. As many have pointed out, working families with kids have limited money and limited vacation time. Well off retirees have both time and money.

 

[Katsmeow]

Your situation is different. The OP is retired and planning on moving to their dream house/location so they have both the time and money to visit their kids. As many have pointed out, working families with kids have limited money and limited vacation time. Well off retirees have both time and money.

The discussion has gone in a more general direction as often occurs here. Several comments were made in a general way (not talking about the OP) that the retiree has both time and money, more so than their kids. I am saying that that varies depending on circumstances.

Depending on life stage both the parents and their kids can be retired. In some cases, neither is retired. The kids can have more money than the parents. In any event, I was commenting generally on the subject not specific to the original post.

By the way, I don't really understand your crack that my situation is different. I wasn't saying I couldn't afford to stay in a hotel. My point was that when I visit kids it costs me much more than it does for them to visit me as I must stay in a hotel and they don't have to when visiting me. This is an example, not me saying that I can't afford to visit them.

 

[brucethebroker]

A close relative moved to FL, thinking it was ideal for retirement and that their five kids would love visiting there. It turned out the timing was terrible; all their kids were starting jobs/careers and simply did not have the leave time available (not to mention the money) to take a week off at a time and visit FL. DW and I were invited multiple times, but, I too had just bought a house and didn't have the spare money to spend on trips.

Eventually they grew wiser, sold the place in FL, and moved back to Northern VA.

If I may offer a different take...we previously spent winters in a popular warm weather vacation spot. DS (single parent of middle schoolers) would book cheap flights over spring break and we paid for the grandkids. This was an every year occurrence while grandkids were young. By having the place available, it was an affordable family vacation for them. BTW, it was a small condo, and the kids slept on mats on the floor, but no one seemed to mind.

 

[GTFan]

The discussion has gone in a more general direction as often occurs here. Several comments were made in a general way (not talking about the OP) that the retiree has both time and money, more so than their kids. I am saying that that varies depending on circumstances.

Depending on life stage both the parents and their kids can be retired. In some cases, neither is retired. The kids can have more money than the parents. In any event, I was commenting generally on the subject not specific to the original post.

Of course it varies for all, but for the majority of ERs here I'd surmise that we have way more time and money than the kids. That's the point of all these posts - usually the parents have all the flexibility, so they need to make the effort and not pressure the kids to do so.

 

[ivinsfan]

Your situation is different. The OP is retired and planning on moving to their dream house/location so they have both the time and money to visit their kids. As many have pointed out, working families with kids have limited money and limited vacation time. Well off retirees have both time and money.

True but I'm sure many will agree that even well off retirees have spent their whole adult life working, raising kids, caring for parents and doing without to accommodate others, at some point don't we get to come first? As in live where we darn well please...

 

[Music Lover]

True but I'm sure many will agree that even well off retirees have spent their whole adult life working, raising kids, caring for parents and doing without to accommodate others, at some point don't we get to come first? As in live where we darn well please...

No one ever said you can't live wherever you want, they're saying if you do you shouldn't expect your kids to automatically prioritize their limited time and vacation around your new home.

Let's not forget that this site has an entire sub-forum for travel but only the occasional thread about where to live...that should be a good indication that many people enjoy travel. That includes working children.

So if you choose to move far away from your kids, then you just might have to make the effort to visit them if they're not willing or able to visit as much as you like.

 

[ivinsfan]

No one ever said you can't live wherever you want, they're saying if you do you shouldn't expect your kids to automatically prioritize their limited time and vacation around your new home.

Let's not forget that this site has an entire sub-forum for travel but only the occasional thread about where to live...that should be a good indication that many people enjoy travel. That includes working children.

So if you choose to move far away from your kids, then you just might have to make the effort to visit them if they're not willing or able to visit as much as you like.

Yes exactly it's a personal on both the parents and kids ends...after all maybe the kids would rather go spend money at Disney instead of seeing their parents. Or lay on the beach somewhere


Pick your place for you and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[kgtest]

I live in flyover midwest territory. I've lived in Hawaii and Central West Coast. Its much more economical to live in a LCOL area and visit a HCOL area, then it is to do the opposite. And IMHO even the midwest has PLENTY to offer.

I was just at a "touch a truck" event where the city brings in all the big rigs for the kiddos and families to check out. Kids pulling the big air horns, rummaging around in the loaders and john deere's and interacting with EMT, firemen and serviceman.

I sort of paused for a minute as my kids were done "touching" and instead decided to play on the playground. I was surprised they were building a massive 2x sized playground when they already had a really nice one our kids used today and sort of thought...wow they have it made here! I remember when I lived on the gulf coast in MS during my Airforce day's and I was having a difficult time just finding space to run in a park. The lack of public services and amenities was a stark contrast to where we live and I grew up here in MN. We have SOOO many green spaces, no lack of fun entertainment. I remember the running track I had down south was literally a snaked version where you just snaked a mile run through like a 1/3 acre space crammed in. Here in MN its hard to decide which 100 mile track I want to tackle. Count your blessings when you can.

 

[dm]

We moved to SW Florida 7 years ago from St. Louis. We had one son that still lived there and the other lived in Chicago. To get the wife to agree to moving I agreed to not complain if she flew back to visit her friends and our family regularly. It was cheaper than snow birding so it’s worked out fine.

We got lots of visits from friends and family over the years, February is very popular. We still get quite a bit of visits.

And our son from St. Louis moved his family down a couple of years ago. It was his wife’s idea as she likes the area. And I’m sure the help with the two grandkids, now 8 and 6 played a little into the decision.

We visit the son and his family in Chicago a few times a year, about the same as when we lived closer.

 

[Magus]

My parents were interesting moving closer to us but not until I had a permanent location. As we are approaching ER, finally told my parents we were staying here - about 2.25hrs from where they were - and they moved about 12 minutes away two months ago. So far its been great - # of pool parties/cook outs, did a festival and had lunch/dinner a few times out as well. My in-laws are near too and my DW and I are the only responsible siblings on our sides of the family so easy for us to take care of our 4 parents as they get older (plus CLT airport is great for traveling)

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

I live in flyover midwest territory. I've lived in Hawaii and Central West Coast. Its much more economical to live in a LCOL area and visit a HCOL area, then it is to do the opposite. And IMHO even the midwest has PLENTY to offer.

I was just at a "touch a truck" event where the city brings in all the big rigs for the kiddos and families to check out. Kids pulling the big air horns, rummaging around in the loaders and john deere's and interacting with EMT, firemen and serviceman.

I sort of paused for a minute as my kids were done "touching" and instead decided to play on the playground. I was surprised they were building a massive 2x sized playground when they already had a really nice one our kids used today and sort of thought...wow they have it made here! I remember when I lived on the gulf coast in MS during my Airforce day's and I was having a difficult time just finding space to run in a park. The lack of public services and amenities was a stark contrast to where we live and I grew up here in MN. We have SOOO many green spaces, no lack of fun entertainment. I remember the running track I had down south was literally a snaked version where you just snaked a mile run through like a 1/3 acre space crammed in. Here in MN its hard to decide which 100 mile track I want to tackle. Count your blessings when you can.

FWIW, the population density of Minnesota is ~11% higher than Mississippi. But I don't disagree that a place with some elbow room is appealing.

 

[Koolau]

Got to spend the bulk of the summer within a short drive of our middle child. His 2 year old is the first grand daughter in our family. We've gotten many opportunities to see her (spoil her) and help her learn vocabulary. She is sharp as a tack. The first time she called me "grandpa" the tears rolled down my cheeks. I don't think of myself as emotional, but sometimes the smallest thing can trigger an avalanche of emotion not expected. YMMV

 

[Luvtoride]

Got to spend the bulk of the summer within a short drive of our middle child. His 2 year old is the first grand daughter in our family. We've gotten many opportunities to see her (spoil her) and help her learn vocabulary. She is sharp as a tack. The first time she called me "grandpa" the tears rolled down my cheeks. I don't think of myself as emotional, but sometimes the smallest thing can trigger an avalanche of emotion not expected. YMMV

Koolau, that’s the best, isn’t it? I’m assuming you are a snowbird then as you mentioned being close to your granddaughter during the summer. How often will you get to see her and your family during the rest of the year? Is it in a location they will want/ be able to visit you? Sorry, it’s a long thread and don’t know if you’ve answered this already.

 

[Koolau]

Koolau, that’s the best, isn’t it? I’m assuming you are a snowbird then as you mentioned being close to your granddaughter during the summer. How often will you get to see her and your family during the rest of the year? Is it in a location they will want/ be able to visit you? Sorry, it’s a long thread and don’t know if you’ve answered this already.

This is sort of a funny situation, now that you mention it. I live on Oahu (Honolulu) and the little one was born on the Big Island. We got to see her in "winter" by flying 200 miles. BUT then she and her mom and dad moved to our old stomping grounds in the midwest. Due to Covid, didn't even get to see her following that early visit (just before Covid exploded.) Now, of course, if the kids stay put, we will (hopefully) return each year for 3 or 4 months on the mainland and see the little one to our hearts content. No idea how it will actually work out.

At this point I can't imagine they would fly to see us in Hawaii. They don't have as good memories as we do since their dreams of "tropical life" did not work out well. YMMV

 

[novaman]

Appropriate thread for our current situation. I’m born and raised in the DC metro area and am now retired in Reston, Va, a suburb of DC.

I’ve longed to move to California for most of my life, either the Bay Area or SoCal, mostly because of the weather.

We have started casually scoping out potential places to live. We love Irvine and Newport Beach in SoCal, and Walnut Creek in NorCal. But this past weekend when we went to look at a house in Walnut Creek, something didn’t sit well with both my wife and myself. It was the thought that we could actually do this and uproot ourselves from the area I grew up, the area we have raised our family, and the area we actually love (other than the weather), leaving family, friends, our church, all the relationships we have built over many years.

Right now my parents are still alive and living nearby in the DC metro area, and my son, DIL and 2 grandkids live a mile away. My middle daughter has been in San Fran for a few years now and my youngest is about to join her. I realize that the time is not right to make a move now, but I’m not sure if it will ever happen.

For me, this proverb rings true:

One's home is made up of the places and people one loves or cherishes most.

 

[ivinsfan]

NOVA man not everyone that dreams of relocation actually does it. I'm an Army brat and until I got married had never lived in one place for more then 3 years....


I have now lived in this rural township for 49 years. Many, many times while milking in cows in blizzards, blistering heat I've dreamed of finally relocating when farming times are done.



Well hubby still crop farms, we have grandkids, family we work with and see almost daily for decades, neighbors that are like family. Once my DH actually turns off his tractor we'll be so entrenched in our ways, we won't be going anywhere.


20 years ago the reality of this would have been very upsetting to me but in the here and now I realized that's what happened and here we are...sounds like you and I have that in common.

 

[Koolau]

Appropriate thread for our current situation. I’m born and raised in the DC metro area and am now retired in Reston, Va, a suburb of DC.

I’ve longed to move to California for most of my life, either the Bay Area or SoCal, mostly because of the weather.

We have started casually scoping out potential places to live. We love Irvine and Newport Beach in SoCal, and Walnut Creek in NorCal. But this past weekend when we went to look at a house in Walnut Creek, something didn’t sit well with both my wife and myself. It was the thought that we could actually do this and uproot ourselves from the area I grew up, the area we have raised our family, and the area we actually love (other than the weather), leaving family, friends, our church, all the relationships we have built over many years.

Right now my parents are still alive and living nearby in the DC metro area, and my son, DIL and 2 grandkids live a mile away. My middle daughter has been in San Fran for a few years now and my youngest is about to join her. I realize that the time is not right to make a move now, but I’m not sure if it will ever happen.

For me, this proverb rings true:

One's home is made up of the places and people one loves or cherishes most.

DW and I set our sights on living in the Islands since we first visited in 1975. In 2007 at age 60, we made our move after 60 years of never living more than 10 miles from our birth place. BUT, both sets of parents were gone, all pets were gone, kids were scattered to the 4 winds. Many old friends were gone or moved away. We always have said "The planes fly both ways."

We do visit the old homestead once a year (Covid permitting, heh, heh) so that gives the "spawn" two places to come visit us. This year, we had EVERYONE at one time and place. Amazing!

Amazingly as pointed out in other threads, our son moved back close to the homestead. You can't outguess 'em! In today's culture, moving to be close to the kids is probably going to be disappointing. They can move faster than we do. After all, they have reasons to move unrelated to mom and dad! YMMV

 

[Paulz]

Appropriate thread for our current situation. I’m born and raised in the DC metro area and am now retired in Reston, Va, a suburb of DC.

For me, this proverb rings true:
One's home is made up of the places and people one loves or cherishes most.

I live up the road from you in Ashburn!

I'm generalizing here, but I think there are really two types of people. Those that have lived in one general area and those that have moved around where there are no particular ties to any one area. Not only is your history here, but family ties up and down the line are here. That would be hard to break....

I moved to this area for the job and 2 of my kids now live elsewhere. Unless my final kid stays here, I'll have no reason to stay once I retire. We are going to move and it is an easy decision, but am somewhat jealous of the ties that you have.

 

[Green Papaya]

We are in our early 60's. Three kids working in different states far from us. Our kids are still single, just starting out in their young careers so chances are high that they will move again within a few years. After FIRE 2 yrs ago, we wanted to move to a nicer weather area so we chose a HCOL area since we also have family in that area. DW and I have discussed that this house may not be our last stop since we want to live close to our kids eventually. The house we purchased is half size of our previous house but it has enough rooms for all 3 kids to visit at same time. We feel fortunate that we can afford to do this and enjoy our new phase in life.

 

[Koolau]

<SNIP>

We feel fortunate that we can afford to do this and enjoy our new phase in life.

Agreed that resources equal options! Though we live thousands of miles from the kids (all in different directions) we CAN afford to travel to see them (or perhaps fund their way to see us - though we haven't needed to do that yet.) YMMV

 

[RetiriusMinimus]

I’ll be facing similar decision in 2-3 years me thinks. I have a sailboat and thus needs to be near the drink…kids are in New England, as we are..love it here but depending upon where it can be costly of course. No interest moving south or west…not in the current environment….

 

[JP.mpls]

Appropriate thread for our current situation. I’m born and raised in the DC metro area and am now retired in Reston, Va, a suburb of DC.

I’ve longed to move to California for most of my life, either the Bay Area or SoCal, mostly because of the weather.

We have started casually scoping out potential places to live. We love Irvine and Newport Beach in SoCal, and Walnut Creek in NorCal. But this past weekend when we went to look at a house in Walnut Creek, something didn’t sit well with both my wife and myself. It was the thought that we could actually do this and uproot ourselves from the area I grew up, the area we have raised our family, and the area we actually love (other than the weather), leaving family, friends, our church, all the relationships we have built over many years.

Right now my parents are still alive and living nearby in the DC metro area, and my son, DIL and 2 grandkids live a mile away. My middle daughter has been in San Fran for a few years now and my youngest is about to join her. I realize that the time is not right to make a move now, but I’m not sure if it will ever happen.

For me, this proverb rings true:

One's home is made up of the places and people one loves or cherishes most.

Novaman,
Snowbirding isn't a bad solution. I would have a very hard time permanently moving away from the friends and family we have in the north land.
I have no problem leaving it all behind during the winter.
Our friends and family must have some of those same thoughts, because we have a steady flow of guests lined up to visit January through March, but that is another issue.
Good luck with your decision.
JP

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Novaman,
Snowbirding isn't a bad solution. I would have a very hard time permanently moving away from the friends and family we have in the north land.
I have no problem leaving it all behind during the winter.
Our friends and family must have some of those same thoughts, because we have a steady flow of guests lined up to visit January through March, but that is another issue.
Good luck with your decision.
JP

We live in the Bay Area and that is what some of our retired friends in our senior clubs do. A small vacation condo works here as there is lots to do, the weather is pretty nice most of the time so you can be out and about often and not sitting at home anyway. There are lots of day and weekend trips, too, to places like Santa Cruz, Lake Tahoe, Medocino, Napa, and Yosemite to name just a few.

If we didn't already have a house and Prop 13 benefits to have to consider giving up and never getting back, we would probably be in a condo or townhouse ourselves right now.

Our kids live within weekend visiting distance so we haven't really needed to move for them. I do subsidize their trips home with plane fares and activities as an added incentive to visit back home.