Retirement and the Single Man (appeal and unique challenges)

[ER Eddie]

I’m a single man, 62. I’ve been retired 5 years now. I’ve noticed several unique challenges that face the retired bachelor. I’ve also noticed that retirement holds a special appeal to single men, at least those who are single by choice.

The special appeal of retirement for the single man lies in the freedom it represents. I suspect that men who are single by choice also place freedom and autonomy high on their list of core values, and so the freedom of retirement calls to them strongly.

As far as the unique challenges, here they are in a nutshell:

1. Filling all the abundant free time well
2. Finding meaning and purpose
3. Social connection
4. Aging alone

To clarify, by “unique challenges,” I don’t mean that men who are married or in long-term relationships do not face them. I mean that these challenges are more evident, more pronounced, for the single man. For example, he does not have the traditional sources of meaning and purpose to lean on, and so he must find them for himself. I explain more in the full article.

I should also mention that although I’m a man and speaking from that perspective, these challenges probably apply just as well to single, retired women.

I wrote an article that goes into more depth about this, if you’d like to read more. I will link it below. [To head off misunderstanding – I’m not trying to make a buck here. The blog is not monetized and actually costs me money to run. I’m just trying to stir thought and discussion.]

Retirement and the Single Man – Good Bachelorhood

 

[Sunset]

So are you suggesting that married men don't have to worry about (1) "Filling all the abundant free time well"
As DW will pull out her list of stuff for me to do if she sees me sitting around too long

 

[walkinwood]

Lovely article. I just spent some time poking around your blog & will do some more later. That's a great hobby. I think writing crystalizes thinking.

 

[Aerides]

So are you suggesting that married men don't have to worry about (1) "Filling all the abundant free time well"
As DW will pull out her list of stuff for me to do if she sees me sitting around too long

I think he addressed that in the OP:

I don’t mean that men who are married or in long-term relationships do not face them. I mean that these challenges are more evident, more pronounced, for the single man.

 

[googily]

As a widowed/single woman not far from full retirement (but living like I'm already there!), these are issues that I of course face as well. I'm really comfortable with being alone, but know that I need to work harder to find some social interactions especially now that I live part of the year away from my long-time home and the friends there. The worries about how I'll handle the vagaries of age without children or spouse to lean on are always there, though I'm hoping at least one of my nieces and nephews (all of whom are fine upstanding citizens) realizes that they might be well rewarded for taking an interest in their aunt. Also, as I've learned the hard way, life can change in an instant, and spending too much time worrying about a future I can't in any way predict served only to leave me depressed and anxious. I plan well--especially financially--but I've learned to not to try to game out where I may need to live or what I may need to do when I'm 80. Who knows if I'll get there.

I also try to not ruminate too much on "meaning" beyond "am I happy/content in my life as it is?" If I am, then I'm doing something right, even if someone else looks at my life and shudders at the choices I make. I'm the only one I need to make happy.

 

[JP_n_AZ]

Great post. I glanced and bookmarked your website. We have many similarities except my career background.

 

[Dtail]

I am in a long-term relationship, but not married.
Points 1 and 2 are no issue for me and wouldn't be if I was single.
Point 3 would need to be addressed, as all of my friends are in a couple environment, although I have many Pickleball friends but don't see them outside the court.
Point 4 can also be an issue, although I don't need many people around me.

 

[Lewis Clark]

I looked around your blog a bit. You write very well. : )

 

[threeonesix]

As a 53 year-old single man, lifelong, by choice (made that choice at 10 years old!), who hopes to FIRE by 60, I very much look forward to reading your blog. It sounds like we might have a lot in common.

 

[aja8888]

Eddie, thanks for starting this thread and for the link to your blog. I read a few of your articles. One thing I can assure myself of at 80, and a widower, is that I will die alone. But, then again, everyone does. And I hope it happens when I least expect it and quickly.

With respect to living out the rest of my years relationship free, I am not actively looking for a partner, although if the right one showed up, I could participate, but not get married again.

I have a dog and he is my live-in buddy. He's a handful and young so I have a lot of responsibility.

 

[ER Eddie]

Thanks for the positive feedback, folks. I appreciate it.

Thanks also to the mods. The thread was initially removed, deemed as "self-promoting" (although I don't make any money from the blog, I just wanted to stir discussion and didn't want to post the entire article here). I'm grateful that you allowed it. I won't abuse the privilege. I just figured this article might be of interest to a subset of this forum.

 

[Markola]

I enjoyed your site, and if I’m ever single, will give your perspectives some thought.

 

[Out of Steam]

As a 53 year-old single man, lifelong, by choice (made that choice at 10 years old!)...

Interesting how a decision made that young can be pivotal. For me, it was telling my parents that I didn't want to go to Catholic school any more in 7th grade. So many things in my life followed from that.

 

[DayDreaming]

I'm a single man, 63 years old, retired for 15 years now. I didn't find points 1, 2, or 3 to be challenging at all. Transitioning from w*rk life to retirement felt like the most natural thing in the world - I was born for this!

Point 3, aging alone, that could be a challenge if and when my health starts declining but thankfully I'm in good health so far.

 

[scrabbler1]

ER Eddie, we share many similarities. I am 61, male, single, and have been retired for nearly 16 years after working for 16 years full-time followed by 7 years part-time. I have been in a LTR for the last 20 years but she, 62, works full-time so we are together most nights and weekend evenings.

When my 7 part-time working years began in 2001, I began 2 hobbies, one new and the other one resurrected from the 1980s after a 13-year layoff. One was mostly in the evening and the other during the day. Neither took up a lot of time but both were a lot of fun and gratifying. When I fully retired in late 2008, I was able to expand those hobbies without part-time work getting in the way, creating scheduling conflicts. Those 7 part-time years made transitioning into full retirement very smooth. Going from working full-time to part-time was a far bigger change to my every day lifestyle, from the reduction of the long, awful commute to the addition of those 2 hobbies. Being able to shop and do errands on weekday mornings at 11 AM when all the stores were far emptier is something I enjoy to this day.

But in 2018, one hobby ended when its organizer passed away at age 85. The other one, working with some local schools, ended thanks to Covid and some teachers I worked with leaving the field. I was getting a little tired of both of them, so I wasn't too upset that they ended. You could say I "retired" from these hobbies. My other activities are more solo-based such as reading books and playing the piano, an activity I resurrected after my 2018 hobby ended.

Despite being in a LTR, I am still basically a loner. I have lived in my current, small apartment for the last 35 years but I wouldn't mind moving to a bigger place at some point, with or without my partner. I have more time than I had before the hobbies ended. But, as always, simply not working is something I have always been very happy about.

 

[ls99]

76, read OP's blog.
The best part is at the end:
"I can tell you the obvious – having money helps. If you have money, you can hire people to perform a wide variety of nursing care and practical tasks – doling out your pills, taking your vitals, shopping for groceries, cooking for you, spoon feeding you your oatmeal, or just keeping you company. When I get old, I’m going to hire a topless nurse to take care of me."

 

[pacergal]

I am not single and not male, but that is a nicely written article.

 

[teej1985]

76, read OP's blog.
The best part is at the end:
"I can tell you the obvious – having money helps. If you have money, you can hire people to perform a wide variety of nursing care and practical tasks – doling out your pills, taking your vitals, shopping for groceries, cooking for you, spoon feeding you your oatmeal, or just keeping you company. When I get old, I’m going to hire a topless nurse to take care of me."

I didn't know the latter was a thing.

 

[Midpack]

I am sure there are unique challenges to being a single senior, man or woman. I know I wouldn't trade DW for anything, not sure if she would agree . A couple of my golf buddies are single, doesn't look like a very enjoyable life aside from their grandkids - they always want to do stuff (lunch or dinner, concerts, bars, etc.) with us married guys, but we have wives we're happy to go home to. Best of luck.

 

[Chuckanut]

In my 20’s I had a good friend who was in his late 50’s, never married, no children. I decided I did not want to be that man.

 

[rodi]

Most of what you wrote applies to older single women. My sister fits this category. No interest in remarrying, or even dating... She does not have kids so the issue of who will take care of her is real to her. As you said, money helps... but if dementia or other cognitive issue rears it's head, it becomes more complicated. I am her only living primary family member living. (Parents and brother are dead, no kids). So she has 'cultivated' her nephews (my sons) - reminding them that her generosity should be returned if she needs help in the future.

She worried alot about the social aspects when she retired... She is very methodical about 'scheduling connections'. She walks with different friends almost every day (I get saturday mornings). She is active in camping groups, and church groups - which gives her more connection.

It's not a male thing... it applies to both genders.

 

[aja8888]

I am sure there are unique challenges to being a single senior, man or woman. I know I wouldn't trade DW for anything, not sure if she would agree . A couple of my golf buddies are single, doesn't look like a very enjoyable life aside from their grandkids - they always want to do stuff (lunch or dinner, concerts, bars, etc.) with us married guys, but we have wives we're happy to go home to. Best of luck.

I have been single for 1.5 years now (wife passed in december 2022). I have a new life, so to say. The first 12 months of my loss were traumatic to me. It took me a while, but I got over the daily grief.

I still have several close married friends, and see them very frequently (like daily). We play golf together each week (weather permitting), take day trips, and have lunch occasionally. It's not like being single is a curse or you have no life. It depends on how you want to live it. I'm sure if you are an introvert, it's pretty easy. I'm always surprised how many older people are living single lives now that I am one of them. On my small street of 18 homes, there are three widows and two middle aged, single guys. The rest are married couples.

I still miss my DW a lot as she was my soulmate. But life happens and I now have a dog, new house, and lots to do to keep me entertained. I really don't want an oldish women in my life again as I had the pleasure of being my wife's daily caretaker for more than three years as she wilted away mostly in bed from COPD and some other bad stuff. I was good with handling the quarterly specialist visits (5 specialists), frequent emergency room episodes, lengthy hospital stays, and getting and maintaining the dozen or so medications and oxygen equipment that were keeping her alive. And I don't want to be in a position to do that stuff again. Absolutely NO WAY. Be glad if your DW doesn't become bedridden for a long period of time.

I'm not advocating being single, or that single life is a great thing, but it depends on how you want to live it. At this point, I am not sure if I care to spend a significant portion of my remaining time with a new woman and get in some kind of relationship. I have some women friends near my age and we have lunch together periodically, but that's all I make of it. I have been invited to their Xmas and other holiday gatherings, cruises, etc but respectfully decline.

As we all know, all marriages aren't perfect......I know of one friend near my age who lives with his wife only because they are too embarrassed to get divorced since they worry about what the kids will think. Actually, maybe more than one of my very successful, married friends are in that same position from what I hear them say now and then. The others who say life is great and are blissfully happy may just be really good actors!

 

[Chuckanut]

It's not a male thing... it applies to both genders.

I would not disagree with saying that 90% of the time the issues are the same for older single single men and women. But, I would like this thread remain about we older single guys only.

 

[Major Tom]

I'm not advocating being single, or that single life is a great thing, but it depends on how you want to live it.

+1. Your entire post represents a sensible and balanced outlook, I think.

I think that, over time, most of us "find our level" i.e. we tend to end up with the things and the living situation that we want - and then it becomes our norm. Happily married people cannot imagine living any other way, and neither can long-term single folk. Just to throw the spanner in the works of my theory, there are also the unhappily married people and the unhappy single ones too. I just hope that those poor souls are eventually able to find living situations that better suit them.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of DW aja8888. It sounds as if you have been making the best of the curveball that life threw at you. My take is that even when life is not much fun, it is still an experience worth having. Besides, we're not here for very long. We might as well roll our sleeves up and make the best of it.

 

[Chuckanut]

I have one minor addition to the OP’s article on which I have ruminated for several days. Ruminating on ideas and concepts is meaningful for me.

If you are worried about having a medical emergency living alone, get yourself a medical alert bracelet or necklace. That way, if you fall or become incapacitated, you can push a button and have a response team help you out. These services run about $30/month.

I would add that in this day of cellphones, apps and now smart watches it may be more useful and cheaper to purchase a watch that offers “fall detection and protection”. For about the price of one year’s worth of service, my basic Apple Watch (I assume there are other brands also) will notify those on my emergency list if it detects a fall and I don’t respond cancel the call. I can also press a button and call for help. Plus I get some additional small benefits from having the watch.

I figure it takes about 15 months to break even. This assumes one already has the proper phone to work with the watch. And a nice watch on the wrist looks helps a man cut a better figure than having a button pendant around his neck.