Romantic Relationships Post FIRE

[teej1985]

Not the OP, but for me this past year I found myself in a great place and intentionally trying to find a partner is one of my "jobs" as a deeper connection with a companion is the only thing missing in my life. I am the best version of myself (helped in part by FIRE/reduction in work stress) and have a lot to offer the right person. Not desperate but motivated and willing to put in the effort to get to know someone and build a relationship with them and looking for the same.

What you've described for yourself is basically my life goal on where I want to find myself mentally. When I took a "career" break some years ago, I had so much time and energy for dating - and dating itself almost felt like my full time job during that stage of life, but I did not have enough money to live my best life and I could tell that the majority of those women weren't down with my state of unemployment.

 

[Ready]

40 years old seems like a pretty young age to retire if your goal is to have a life partner. If you want someone around your own age, you have two scenarios: 1) they still work, which could prevent you from having the time to travel and spend time with them, or 2) they don’t want to work, in which case your income would need to cover expenses for a household of two now.

Unless you really hate your job I think you should keep building your buffer. Lots of working people find time to date and meet the love of their life. If that happens, you can always re-evaluate your situation.

 

[Chuckanut]

Thanks for sharing! This makes a lot of sense. I matched with a woman the other day who was like "Even though I'm independent and self sufficient, I believe it's the man's role to pay for the household bills"....I just don't understand that mentality, but I guess they have no problem finding people who are willing to sign up for that.

I find reading a woman’s mind is even tougher than reading another man’s mind. Thus, I would appreciate her telling me what she thinks.

Many years ago also met a woman through a matching service. On our first date she wore a cap that said High Maintenance on it. I trusted her self evaluation and never asked for a 2nd date.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Thanks for sharing! This makes a lot of sense. I matched with a woman the other day who was like "Even though I'm independent and self sufficient, I believe it's the man's role to pay for the household bills"....I just don't understand that mentality, but I guess they have no problem finding people who are willing to sign up for that.

She is having a problem finding someone to fund her life, that's why she's talking to you about doing it.

 

[LateToFIRE]

I don't have direct experience with your sort of situation (pushing 60, married 3 decades, have worked well past FI and not quite retired yet). But I can offer some limited observations based friend couples who found each other later in life (like in their 40's, 50's). The successful situations that I have seen with men that fit your profile (strong priority to early FIRE on a frugal, low maintenance lifestyle) have featured women partners who were more ambitious, career oriented, high earning, and sometimes (but not necessarily) older. For example, envision a woman who is well into a high-powered career, no kids, never wanted any, significant nest egg, etc. In the handful of relationships I've seen of this profile, there were no expectations for the man to be a "provider," just women looking for a compatible companion who would not feel threatened by their success and who are not looking for a traditional wife and not looking to have kids. I don't doubt dating in your 40's is challenging, but my observations have been that the universe of eligible men diminishes rapidly past 40 - or to put it more illustratively, my DW's professional women friends often complain that they'd just like to meet a single man in his 40's who doesn't live in his mother's basement, bathes regularly, and has a job. I would think you don't need the latter qualification if you are FI.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

40 years old seems like a pretty young age to retire if your goal is to have a life partner. If you want someone around your own age, you have two scenarios: 1) they still work, which could prevent you from having the time to travel and spend time with them

I disagree. A job is just another commitment. By me be being FIREd, I have the flexibility to always be off when they have vacation/free time. There are also many careers with large chunks of time off or flexibility (travel nurse, education, seasonal hospitality, come to mind offhand). While I want a companion with some similar and complementary interests, I also want a partner with their own interests and activities and their work can certainly be some of them.

 

[teej1985]

I don't have direct experience with your sort of situation (pushing 60, married 3 decades, have worked well past FI and not quite retired yet). But I can offer some limited observations based friend couples who found each other later in life (like in their 40's, 50's). The successful situations that I have seen with men that fit your profile (strong priority to early FIRE on a frugal, low maintenance lifestyle) have featured women partners who were more ambitious, career oriented, high earning, and sometimes (but not necessarily) older. For example, envision a woman who is well into a high-powered career, no kids, never wanted any, significant nest egg, etc. In the handful of relationships I've seen of this profile, there were no expectations for the man to be a "provider," just women looking for a compatible companion who would not feel threatened by their success and who are not looking for a traditional wife and not looking to have kids. I don't doubt dating in your 40's is challenging, but my observations have been that the universe of eligible men diminishes rapidly past 40 - or to put it more illustratively, my DW's professional women friends often complain that they'd just like to meet a single man in his 40's who doesn't live in his mother's basement, bathes regularly, and has a job. I would think you don't need the latter qualification if you are FI.

I definitely see the logic there. One of my friends keeps urging me to move to the east coast because there are more women who fit that description there, but I prefer warm weather.

 

[LateToFIRE]

I don't have direct experience with your sort of situation (pushing 60, married 3 decades, have worked well past FI and not quite retired yet). But I can offer some limited observations based friend couples who found each other later in life (like in their 40's, 50's). The successful situations that I have seen with men that fit your profile (strong priority to early FIRE on a frugal, low maintenance lifestyle) have featured women partners who were more ambitious, career oriented, high earning, and sometimes (but not necessarily) older. For example, envision a woman who is well into a high-powered career, no kids, never wanted any, significant nest egg, etc. In the handful of relationships I've seen of this profile, there were no expectations for the man to be a "provider," just women looking for a compatible companion who would not feel threatened by their success and who are not looking for a traditional wife and not looking to have kids. I don't doubt dating in your 40's is challenging, but my observations have been that the universe of eligible men diminishes rapidly past 40 - or to put it more illustratively, my DW's professional women friends often complain that they'd just like to meet a single man in his 40's who doesn't live in his mother's basement, bathes regularly, and has a job. I would think you don't need the latter qualification if you are FI.

I disagree. A job is just another commitment. By me be being FIREd, I have the flexibility to always be off when they have vacation/free time. There are also many careers with large chunks of time off or flexibility (travel nurse, education, seasonal hospitality, come to mind offhand). While I want a companion with some similar and complementary interests, I also want a partner with their own interests and activities and their work can certainly be some of them.

In the scenario I was describing, these couples often live fairly independent lives - not at all joined at the hip - in fact quite the opposite - she spends a fair amount of time on career, he's retired, pursues his hobbies, does his own thing, they both even vacation independently at times. The key is that they have enough interests in common that they truly enjoy the time that they do spend together. I've seen it work out very nicely, especially where there is enough assets and/or income they are not sweating every penny.

 

[flyingaway]

If you want that relationship, why don't you spend time and take efforts to find it NOW?

 

[livingalmostlarge]

Do you want kids? Or a relationship with one? One of my friends married without kids in her 40s if given a do over I believe would marry a guy with kids since she did want some. And some like my cousin was 48 when he had his first...He's now working like crazy to pay for a lifestyle he has now. married with 4 kids. But he'd be the first to ask what life you want? He's always wanted kids so...

 

[frayne]

One truism, the older one gets, the more baggage one carries; be it kids, previous relationships, financial burdens, etc., etc. and it is not dependent upon either sex.

 

[omni550]

Finding a good romantic relationship can be difficult at any age.

Life can throw you curve balls when you least expect it.

omni

 

[teej1985]

Do you want kids? Or a relationship with one? One of my friends married without kids in her 40s if given a do over I believe would marry a guy with kids since she did want some. And some like my cousin was 48 when he had his first...He's now working like crazy to pay for a lifestyle he has now. married with 4 kids. But he'd be the first to ask what life you want? He's always wanted kids so...

I would have said that I wanted kids if you asked me a decade ago, but at this point I don't think I have the energy for little kids and I certainly don't want to work long enough to have to be a provider for them. I went on a date with a woman in the local FI group, she seemed great but she made it clear that she will want to spoil her kids because she grew up poor whereas I would not want to spoil my hypothetical kids because I grew up a bit spoiled myself and I feel like I would have made better life choices if I wasn't as spoiled.

If you want that relationship, why don't you spend time and take efforts to find it NOW?

I don't know why people are commenting as if I'm not doing that. It is most certainly something I put time and effort into. I meet plenty of people locally, but I've also flown to other cities just to go on dates with people who seemed promising.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I was divorced at 44 as were many of my friends ranging in age from 38-52. Within 4 years everyone had a partner and most except for me found them on dating sites. 2 people in my group of friends were only working part time and were self employed. Everyone was supporting themselves and weren’t looking for someone to support them. So it definitely can be done at your age. If you were 60 it would be much harder.

 

[martyp]

I retired at 55. My wife continued to work. The first year was OK. After that I told my wife she could afford to retire. Together we were OK financially. She continued to work. We grew apart over the next 4 years as I lived my retirement life and she was working. Eventually we divorced.

Retirement is an adjustment in and of itself. Whatever your mental preparation you will still find some surprises on the other side. From what I hear, dating these days is a challenge. I don't know how easy it will be to find a partner but I would think you would want someone who was available and desirous of sharing your retired life.

This will rankle a few sensibilities but you could at least experiment with looking overseas. I traveled to Thailand and found my wife and I've lived here for almost 7 years now. Besides the benefits (and challenges) of travel you will find a different culture and you may find that pairing up is easier outside the hustle & bustle of the US. Expat living isn't for everyone but it works for me. Just a thought . . .

And that $40,000/yr is going to go a lot further in many low cost of living countries like in Central America and SE Asia, both with warm weather.

 

[Lsbcal]

Basically, I believe that i can fund my life on about $40,000 per year as I have several years of spending data, I also think this is the sweet spot for ACA tax credits to get cheap health insurance.

I've been on the fence about targeting a $1.5M number just to have what seems like a massive buffer, I don't think it would significantly extend my career, but there's no way to know for sure. Some years I spend less, some years I spend more.
...

I'm an old happily married guy and can offer no romantic ideas post FIRE. But it strikes me that the sum you mention is really kind of low for a very early retirement. I would want that big buffer.

Do you have an investment plan that can take something like a depression? Being retired in 2008-2009 was scary I thought ... and it could have gotten worse but somehow the top officials worked out a solution. And I had the option of taking SS which you do not yet.

The suggestions I've seen in Dear Abbey columns and such talk about meeting people through activities. Maybe something like hiking or such. There may be various Meet Up groups in your area.

 

[RetiredHappy]

If I were you, but obviously not you, I would not retire anytime soon. My husband and I both had saved several millions on our own when we first met and we are equals in every way including financially. If your expenses are $40K a year, you are limited to finding partners who also live on about $40K a year on their own. If you have more savings, you can expand your potential pool of partners. My husband and I spend about $240K a year when working and in retirement. If I become single/widowed/divorced again, and if I were to have a romantic partner again, in which I won't, I would only be interested in someone who is in similar financial situation and lifestyle.

 

[SecondCor521]

If I were you, but obviously not you, I would not retire anytime soon. My husband and I both had saved several millions on our own when we first met and we are equals in every way including financially. If your expenses are $40K a year, you are limited to finding partners who also live on about $40K a year on their own. If you have more savings, you can expand your potential pool of partners. My husband and I spend about $240K a year when working and in retirement. If I become single/widowed/divorced again, and if I were to have a romantic partner again, in which I won't, I would only be interested in someone who is in similar financial situation and lifestyle.

There are far more people living on $40K than on $240K, so I think you're actually more limited in your options.

I spend $X but could spend $5X safely. I'm mildly curious to whom you would say I should limit my dating pool. (As noted above, if they're LBYM and otherwise compatible, those are the two main things. I'm not judging if they want to spend $X or $3X or some other number.)

 

[Aerides]

I don't know why people are commenting as if I'm not doing that. It is most certainly something I put time and effort into.

It didn't come off that way (to me at least) in your opening post. I had the question "do you WANT this?" because it didn't sound to me like you really did. Your opening was more...."if a relationship happens I would plan differently", so I read it that it wasn't a priority for you, but your later posts* have cleared that up. Perhaps that's just a misread, very easy to happen online!

*(Pro-tip, 70% of replies you see here have not read your later posts!)

 

[RetiredHappy]

There are far more people living on $40K than on $240K, so I think you're actually more limited in your options.

I spend $X but could spend $5X safely. I'm mildly curious to whom you would say I should limit my dating pool. (As noted above, if they're LBYM and otherwise compatible, those are the two main things. I'm not judging if they want to spend $X or $3X or some other number.)

If you spend $X but could spend $5X safely and were in the dating pool, you would not be scared off by someone else who can afford to spend $5K on their own. If I spend $X and could only afford to spend $X, I would shy away from someone who spends $5X and could afford it.

We live in a resort community where it feels like most of the folks have wealth and expenses that are at least where we are. We just left our neighbor's home and they own 5 homes, 3 in Washington and 2 here. She is still working, in a high level executive capacity and he is retired. There are many billionaires and $100+millionaires here.

 

[teej1985]

It didn't come off that way (to me at least) in your opening post. I had the question "do you WANT this?" because it didn't sound to me like you really did. Your opening was more...."if a relationship happens I would plan differently", so I read it that it wasn't a priority for you, but your later posts* have cleared that up. Perhaps that's just a misread, very easy to happen online!

*(Pro-tip, 70% of replies you see here have not read your later posts!)

That's fair. I guess I was trying to focus the OP on hearing about other people's life experiences retiring in the scenario that I described rather than seeking personalized advice on what I should do for myself. I definitely think that it would be significantly easier if I find someone before I retire just because more information would be available to calculate a shared budget, though on the other hand if someone wants to stick around after initially meeting me in my retired state and is accepting of it, that works too.

 

[GrayHare]

I dated people with significantly different economic circumstances, and we never fit particularly well. Our approach to life just differed too much. One had maxed out credit cards, another was ready for a private jet. Neither were my scene. I suspect even if both of a couple are savers, if one has a very large multiple of the savings of the other, the odds of incompatibility go up. YMMV

 

[SecondCor521]

If you spend $X but could spend $5X safely and were in the dating pool, you would not be scared off by someone else who can afford to spend $5K on their own.

Right. The fly in the ointment that I can see is that someone else spending $5X sees me spending $X and decides, by your original logic, that I'm not worthy:

I would only be interested in someone who is in similar financial situation and lifestyle.

My "financial situation" and "lifestyle" are different by orders of magnitude. But you combined them there, which is why I wanted to see what you thought.

It's a strange existence for me. My spending puts me in one socioeconomic arena, and my net worth puts me in quite another. I've mentioned before that I have had friends who are near billionaires and friends who have been on Medicaid and SNAP. I tend to keep my own situation close to my vest for obvious reasons, not least of which is to avoid judgment from folks.

 

[RetiredHappy]

I dated people with significantly different economic circumstances, and we never fit particularly well. Our approach to life just differed too much. One had maxed out credit cards, another was ready for a private jet. Neither were my scene. I suspect even if both of a couple are savers, if one has a very large multiple of the savings of the other, the odds of incompatibility go up. YMMV

+1

 

[Music Lover]

$40k plus the partner also making $40k is $80k, with a paid off house it's decent money and most people can live comfortably on that.