Visiting Relatives

[Sue]

When you live a LBYM lifestyle, there are always people who make derogatory comments on your lifestyle. When it is an aquaintance or someone you thought was a good friend, it's pretty easy to deal with.

I find it harder to cope with relatives who make these types of remarks, especially relatives who want to stay in your apartment (which lacks central air conditioning during a summer heat wave) rather than spend the money for a hotel. I have always felt that you can't say no to a family memer who requests temporary lodging, sorta of an unwritten code of family obligations. But after spending a week cleaning up the apartment, washing sheets/towels, and getting extra groceries, I don't want to hear someone ask "When are you going to move out of THIS apartment", "You're TOO cheap to get cable?", etc.

The obvious response to point out that you have XXX dollars in the bank because you LBYM , but I don't like talking/bragging about my net worth. It's also not a good long-term approach to make nasty comments back to relatives. I don't feel I should be required to explain the rationale for my financial decisions to a relative I see once or twice a year. Does anyone have any suggestions for gracefully dealing with this type of situation?

 

[CyclingInvestor]

My relatives are offered the choice between a spot on the couch in my house and the
Motel 6 right up the street. My 3 dogs with full house access and my extremely unusual
hours have managed to keep my record of no house guests clean since 1981.

 

[FinanceDude]

When you live a LBYM lifestyle, there are always people who make derogatory comments on your lifestyle. When it is an aquaintance or someone you thought was a good friend, it's pretty easy to deal with.

I find it harder to cope with relatives who make these types of remarks, especially relatives who want to stay in your apartment (which lacks central air conditioning during a summer heat wave) rather than spend the money for a hotel. I have always felt that you can't say no to a family memer who requests temporary lodging, sorta of an unwritten code of family obligations. But after spending a week cleaning up the apartment, washing sheets/towels, and getting extra groceries, I don't want to hear someone ask "When are you going to move out of THIS apartment", "You're TOO cheap to get cable?", etc.

The obvious response to point out that you have XXX dollars in the bank because you LBYM , but I don't like talking/bragging about my net worth. It's also not a good long-term approach to make nasty comments back to relatives. I don't feel I should be required to explain the rationale for my financial decisions to a relative I see once or twice a year. Does anyone have any suggestions for gracefully dealing with this type of situation?

Just keep it light. I haven't had cable for 20 years, and when my relatives ask, I say something innoculous, like: "you know, I thought I would miss it, but I really don't. I guess I found other things to do", and then shrug your shoulders............

The home part is harder, since everyone is an "expert". However, my BIL has rented for 20 years, and can afford a house no problem, but has a GREAT reply:

"I have a problem,I call the landlord, and he fixes it. I'm out of town for a week, and I come home to a mowed lawn. Plus, the money I'm saving not paying property taxes and stuff, I put in investments. And, so far, I don't miss NOT having a house"..........

 

[kcowan]

We offer to put them up in a nearby B&B or inexpensive hotel. We explain that our place is not suited to anything other than an overnight stay. So far, they have never accepted our offer. Either they sponge off of someone else, or they pay for the B&B themselves.

(We do welcome overnight stays. We have a guest room.)

 

[FinanceDude]

My relatives are offered the choice between a spot on the couch in my house and the
Motel 6 right up the street. My 3 dogs with full house access and my extremely unusual
hours have managed to keep my record of no house guests clean since 1981.

 

[Brat]

"This works for us." For heavens sake don't tell them you have money in the bank. Consider this, if they aren't too comfortable the will move on sooner. If they remark about the lack of cable talk about the value of reading. With respect to the comment about air conditioning tell the truth (sorta), you rarely need it and if it gets to be too much you move to a hotel room (hint, hint).

Stop cleaning up for family member guests, after all they are family. Anyone you agree to house should have clean sheets and towels upon arrival but you don't need to make the bed up...

To keep them moving on, when agreeing to a visit limit it at that time, "My sorority sister is expected so the spare room is spoken for as of x."

If the stay is more than two days put together a neighborhood guide that includes the locations of restaurants they could patronize. Another option would be to hand them a grocery list.

 

[CuppaJoe]

Who has time to turn on the TV when travelling? I get them too tired from site-seeing.

I once overhead a comment about my place. I had invited several relatives over for lunch when they were in town for a wedding. A couple of years later my uncle's grandson was trying to figure out how he is related to me and said something about the stairs that went on forever and other negative comments, so that's the one! Yeah, I do live in a 4th floor walk-up, but unlike "grandson," a 35 year old still living with his mom, I've been on my own since age 17.

 

[Webzter]

When I was growing up, we'd all sleep in the living room and open the windows at both ends of the house and put a box fan on if it was really hot out.

a good plan for not having family bug you about not spending money is to just come from a poor family. Granted, it's hard to plan it that way, but it's worked well for me.

Well, that and the fact that everyone is really nice.

 

[Sarah in SC]

Move to the country, add a couple more dogs to Cycling Investors herd, throw in some cats for the allergic...and voila! no more houseguests!

Sue, we've just become "those people" in our family, too. Don't even respond to the specific jibe, just say that your life suits you just fine. It does tend to hurt your feelings, I'll admit. Being gracious as a hostess is not always met with graciousness in your guests. But just keep being gracious anyway!

Sarah

 

[citrine]

Get rid of your furniture, get a couple of cats, blast italian music at 1 in the morning, have no food in the fridge except some iced tea and condiments....voila....no guests!

 

[Hamlet]

I would have no qualms about refusing to put up with family members that didn't treat me with respect. I don't consider someone being family an unrestricted license to abuse my hospitality.

That said, I have very few family members who would ever be that impolite. I am lucky to have extremely top-notch relatives. I don't associate with the few exceptions. My wife's family is extraordinarily decent too.

When you live a LBYM lifestyle, there are always people who make derogatory comments on your lifestyle. When it is an aquaintance or someone you thought was a good friend, it's pretty easy to deal with.

I find it harder to cope with relatives who make these types of remarks, especially relatives who want to stay in your apartment (which lacks central air conditioning during a summer heat wave) rather than spend the money for a hotel. I have always felt that you can't say no to a family memer who requests temporary lodging, sorta of an unwritten code of family obligations. But after spending a week cleaning up the apartment, washing sheets/towels, and getting extra groceries, I don't want to hear someone ask "When are you going to move out of THIS apartment", "You're TOO cheap to get cable?", etc.

The obvious response to point out that you have XXX dollars in the bank because you LBYM , but I don't like talking/bragging about my net worth. It's also not a good long-term approach to make nasty comments back to relatives. I don't feel I should be required to explain the rationale for my financial decisions to a relative I see once or twice a year. Does anyone have any suggestions for gracefully dealing with this type of situation?

 

[Khan]

The obvious response to point out that you have XXX dollars in the bank because you LBYM , but I don't like talking/bragging about my net worth. It's also not a good long-term approach to make nasty comments back to relatives.

What would be the downside?

I don't feel I should be required to explain the rationale for my financial decisions to a relative I see once or twice a year. Does anyone have any suggestions for gracefully dealing with this type of situation?

No.

I assure you I would deal with this ungracefully.

 

[maddythebeagle]

I had one extended family member that likes to use us as a hotel....they usually take us out to eat and bring some beverages so not that bad...but I think they like to stay at our place vs. closer relatives since it is remodeled and nice and clean....as others have said...cat and dog filth might be enough deterrence....

 

[Meadbh]

Sell the bed in the spare bedroom and turn it into a gym.

 

[FIREd]

"You're TOO cheap to get cable?",

And they're too cheap to pay for a hotel room...
If I were to host some family member and they were to complain about the living arrangement in such blatant manner, I would politely suggest they go find other accomodations that suit them better.

My family bugs me all the time about not spending "enough" money. They think I should have a bigger car, a bigger house and go on vacation more often. I say yeah yeah yeah and I just ignore them. Quite frankly, the way I decide to spend my money is none of their business.

 

[bssc]

We just stayed at a friends house for four nights at no change. I didn't complain when they didn't turn on the A/C or that they had two dogs who were attention hounds or that their cable was on the fritz because I know that I was a guest. We bought them some stuff they like (chocolate chip cookies) and made them promise to stay with us when they were in town.

You just need a better trained house guest.

 

[Goonie]

Thankfully, my Dad set the precedence many years ago by informing my siblings that they and their families were more than welcome to come and visit anytime they wanted to. And they could visit for as many days as they wanted to. However, he also informed them that he expected them to vacate by the time the 10 o'clock news came on, because that was his time to wind down and prepare for a nice peaceful night's sleep, and he really didn't care to see them before at least mid-morning so he could enjoy some peace and quiet.

When they were younger and just starting careers and families, he would pay for the hotel for them. When they were better established, he would book the hotel and use his CC to 'hold' the reservation, but they were responsible for pay the hotel for their stay there.

I think they were a little pissed off at first, because they wanted to stay at the house. But as time went on they decided that they preferred staying at the hotel, because there was a swimming pool and a jacuzzi, also the hotel prepared breakfast for them.

 

[Bigritchie]

I would tell your relatives, that you save that 50-100 bucks a month on cable, so that when you travel you can afford to stay at a hotel, instead of being a [SIZE=-1]inconvenience to someone.[/SIZE]

 

[MJ]

(We do welcome overnight stays. We have a guest room.)

Do you have online reservations yet?

MJ

 

[MJ]

No problem.

I am currently a homeless vagabond constantly on the lookout for [-]your[/-] a temporary home to stay in.

MJ

 

[ladelfina]

Get a very very uncomfortable top mattress for the guest bed (springs poking out would be ideal). When desirable guests come, switch mattresses.

Or, bite the bullet and book a hotel for them at least once. Turn the tables a bit by saying "I felt badly that you haven't been comfortable here, so we put a little aside and we think we can swing a room for you guys for x days.." Maybe they will feel guilty, refuse the offer, and behave better.

If not, next time you can just say "gee, a hotel for you just isn't in our budget this year.."

 

[Sue]

Unfortunately this is not a black or white situation. The blood relative is a really nice easy-going guy who would always be welcome in our home. The problem is his spouse. I hate to alienate both of them because of her behavior.

Your responses were delightfully wicked and made me laugh about the whole situation. I think I'll first try Sarah's suggestion of smiling and saying "we are very happy with our liviing situation". Maybe if I say it over and over again it will penetrate into her thick head.

 

[HFWR]

Maybe take a page from the RV handbook: Seats six, sleeps two...

 

[Joss]

Sounds like if you want future visits from the guy, you're stuck. There isn't any silver bullet. You might as well just say nothing and smile. Accept that his spouse has a limited concept of good manners and try to picture her in your mind as doing the best she can.

Aside: Many people feel they are obligated to answer every question asked, no matter how impertinent, intrusive, thoughtless or ill mannered. It's like a conditioned reflex - some idiot asks - they answer.

But at some point it really IS ok to say, "That's none of your business."

 

[Orchidflower]

And I thought I was the only one with obnoxious asinine relatives...
When I was working all the time it was easy to deal with as I told them I was working all the time and the third bedroom was my office, hence, no room in the inn...heh, heh, heh... Just putting up with the put-downs for a week was like a third job. Who needs it?