Waited Too Long... How to Convince Spouse We are OK to Retire

[Ian S]

Aerides,

Thanks for the info. So 2-1, that does support my view. And I believe the folks who post (which was my statement) skew even further male.

I do agree that this drama is not providing any assistance to the OP. Consider me duly chastened for my unthinkable transgression.

Don't feel badly. I'm in a same sex (male) marriage and I had the same assumption as you!

 

[Ian S]

OP--many couples retire at different times, there is no rule that says you have to launch together.
Finances are not the issue here. Deep, drilled down conversations are in order, either on your own or with a qualified therapist. If your spouse wants to continue to work, that is OK. If you want to retire, that should be OK too. Support each others feelings and choices.
There is plenty to do in retirement while the other is working, if that is your choice.

+1

 

[Montecfo]

Don't feel badly. I'm in a same sex (male) marriage and I had the same assumption as you!

Thanks the the support Ian!

Nothing about the question or my answers had anything to do with gender.

 

[FI_by_2023]

Recommend Rick Ferri financial review (I think review cost $750)....high credibility and well known (show spouse books). He has a great perspective given the breadth of clients he has seen and years in industry. In your case, far more useful in talking through having enough than allocation tweaks on portfolio.

 

[oiseux]

Here's the thing. Reading your profile, it sounds like you'll want a few places to base yourselves in. A few in the US, and another in France.

That kind of thing supports having high NW, so I perhaps understand your spouse's anxiety.

Conversely, you are aging. If you are dreaming of going to France to hit the Alps and ski or hike, maybe now is the time. Don't delay!

It is a trade off. Yet, a NW of 8-large along with that huge pension makes me believe you are ready, and you both need to continue talking.

We'll likely keep two homes, but exchange one or both. The third has been used as a temptation, but we will see. The anxiety around purchases seems to be a sore point. The RE picture gives an opposite incentive to keep working. We've both lived in Europe for 1 to 2 years at a time, and did not deprive ourselves of "best when done young" travel and opportunity. But the world is large.


It seems that a staggered quitting date is not going to fly. I'm OK to ride this year out, since with the pandemic this limits some activities naturally. Thanks to the others for the additional suggestions, I will check the book and maybe try another FA/consultation. But it is not about money, but rather the emotion. That so much is clear.

 

[DrRoy]

You have investible assets over 70X your minimum spend level. I am currently at 37X and feel very flush. RE now!!

 

[ivinsfan]

We'll likely keep two homes, but exchange one or both. The third has been used as a temptation, but we will see. The anxiety around purchases seems to be a sore point. The RE picture gives an opposite incentive to keep working. We've both lived in Europe for 1 to 2 years at a time, and did not deprive ourselves of "best when done young" travel and opportunity. But the world is large.


It seems that a staggered quitting date is not going to fly. I'm OK to ride this year out, since with the pandemic this limits some activities naturally. Thanks to the others for the additional suggestions, I will check the book and maybe try another FA/consultation. But it is not about money, but rather the emotion. That so much is clear.

I wish you both good luck in getting to a mutual agreement. These things can come up and suddenly catch a couple by surprise. You and your spouse need to do some hard thinking. Personally I wouldn't bother with another money consult because that plays into the idea that's it about money and it's not about that.

If the book you mention is the retirement and aging book buy two copies and give one to your spouse.The book might generate some less rancorous discussions between the two of you. My still farming 72 YO DH gave me several dates and ages that he would retire on. He gave me those dates to quiet me down and he did not mean them. Yes, every date has passed and we still farm. Ties up a bunch of money and every single Spring and Fall. But I'm not angry about it anymore. Three years ago approaching 70 he had an emergency heart valve replacement that went horribly wrong. He missed planting that year and almost died. A long complicated recovery and rehab. He would sit on the porch and watch his brother run the planter. He was morose and told me, Well that's it, maybe I'm done farming. To my absolute surprise instead of saying about time, I said we don't know that let's see how you feel this fall.


I've made peace with the idea that he could no more quit farming then he could walk to the moon. It's who he is and he can't change that. Once I was accepting of the fact, we talked together and agreed he could farm indefinitely if we dropped our rented ground and just farm what we own. DH stood by that decision and his brother found a little side income we now are part time farmers but it wasn't easy or fast.

 

[Markola]

^^^^^^^. Good example about a farming avocation.

My most recent manager is 69 and manages a team of 30 or so. She keeps blowing through retirement deadlines that she sets with her husband, who is retired, 72, loves to travel and is hearing the life clock tick loudly. She, however, works days, nights and weekends and her accomplished career really defines her. Her work addiction is kind of becoming a relationship irritant. I don’t know which is sadder or more concerning, his unsatisfied global travel yearnings with her or her looming loss of identity when she finally quits. They’ve attempted a few global trips each year but they always have to return too soon for his taste and, when they go for weeks at a time each year it is always disruptive to momentum on her large team, which is a pain to everyone left at home..

One thing about FIREing is, it forces a person to dismantle the career persona get on to the next thing, whatever they choose that to be. I say, as an Internet stranger, the earlier the better. Rip the bandaid off, taking as much care for the relationship as possible, of course, while remaining true to one’s legitimate personal aspirations.

 

[Brat]

Regarding one spouse loves to travel, the other not. My mother enjoyed taking Road Scholar international trips, dad didn't. She took trips, he stayed home.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

I’ve worked with people who actually said- I don’t want to retire and spend all that time with my spouse. And they were serious!
I’m not married so I don’t have that problem. [emoji12]

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I feel your pain, OP. I have been happily retired for several years and have remained patient with the DW in her choice to keep on w*rking. However, I am not sure how long I can keep it up. We aren't getting any younger and with her health scares/issues (spinal tumors) the odds are better than not that her years for enjoying things in life could be quite limited which frustrates me even more. We have had the conversation of "we can BOTH be retired and be just fine" but she is too much of a w*rkaholic. I do feel that we will be at a serious cross roads sooner than later.

 

[Music Lover]

I’ve worked with people who actually said- I don’t want to retire and spend all that time with my spouse. And they were serious!
I’m not married so I don’t have that problem. [emoji12]

When there's more than enough money and people don't want to retire then there's something else going on, whether it be actually loving the job and/or the status it brings vs. worried about being bored or hesitant about spending a lot more time with their partner.

 

[socca]

My DH is 72 and still working (part time) as this point, so don't make the assumption that a few more years working will make this issue go away.

One of our tenants is still grain farming in his 80s. He probably doesn't need the money, but might like the challenge.

For anyone running a business in the real world, cr*p happens regularly, as the photo enclosed indicates nicely.

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

I’ve worked with people who actually said- I don’t want to retire and spend all that time with my spouse. And they were serious!
I’m not married so I don’t have that problem. [emoji12]

Not here, but I have heard retirement referred to as: "Half the money, twice the spouse!"

 

[prudent_one]

our combined total is pretty high (600K+), which may be part of the problem with walking away.

Why call it "walking away" when what you want to do is walk towards your best retirement life?

Money is not an issue. At all.

 

[cyber888]

Just put your foot down and say 'I've had enough' and your spouse needs to be supportive of your decision. You've got $8 mil .. you can retire today.

 

[Oz investor]

I did not assume the spouse was a her. Also considered a single sex couple; spouse being male; and spouse being the bigger earner, or not.

in my experience i have found females to be more financially cautious AND more likely to have a career that is fulfilling enough to make you want to remain longer

as a male i have been in several places of employment where 'office politics ' is near-on murderous , at which time i normally just move on i could earn money elsewhere ( before i was retired )

i also know some households where the female is the dominant income-earner ( and both are employed in their respective professions )

the spouse might just feel the job is important to her/him AND the community , not that i consider that as a bad thing at all

and B. how common are single-sex couples that are so stable and male ( i have seen some rather long-lasting female couples but far fewer the reverse

cheers

( but i have been wrong many times before )

 

[WestUniversity]

With my DW we met with a financial guy at FIDO for a review of our situation. He agreed that we were ready. DW was fine after that...

 

[Surewhitey]

DW & I had a conversation yesterday. She was thinking of asking for a title change (Director to VP) for more $$. I asked her if this was asking for more work too (yes) & why would she want that vs status quo? "we don't need to make more just for growing the account". I think she agreed. Now on to her ER.

It's hard to convince someone who is fine with working. Especially when you can't travel anyhow. When we can, she'll likely try to work remotely from another country before quitting... Another VP already gave her some insight on how to do it using VPNs & of course corporate's approval.

 

[Rambler]

Does your spouse understand how, and how much money is generated by your investments? Mine did not, nor was she interested in learning much about it. She was a SAHM until we became empty nesters, then she worked on her hobbies with her buddies, but knew/understood diddly about our finances. Nevertheless, she nervously accepted my retirement (at age 51), and we left my overseas posting and came home. I still let her know the basics about how our investments are doing and how much they generate for us, but if I cross her palm with a Lincoln or a Benjamin (or however much she needs) she’s happy to not know where it came from, how it got there, or how much is left. I’ve been retired for 8 years now, and we have quite a bit more than we started with.

I think the question that needs to be answered, is, why doesn’t your spouse want to retire? Maybe it isn’t a money issue, per se. Maybe working and the accumulation of assets holds more personal gratification for your spouse than does retirement and the freedom that it brings. Just a thought.

 

[reneeh63]

Aerides,

Thanks for the info. So 2-1, that does support my view. And I believe the folks who post (which was my statement) skew even further male.

I do agree that this drama is not providing any assistance to the OP. Consider me duly chastened for my unthinkable transgression.

Certainly, but in terms of the "problem" of one spouse not wanting to retire, my bet would have been on the husband holding out.

 

[sunnysideup]

We had a similar situation. Not the same bank balance, but more than enough to FIRE to a comfortable life full of the good things...DH was not convinced. I showed him the spreadsheets, did the FIRECALC, but he was just not ready. So I retired and he kept working. I found my own daytime activities and we did things on weekends.

3 years laters he had some health issues and it became harder to work. He finally retired and we started to have lots of fun traveling. For a year or so he kept “looking” at jobs. Then at some point he became happy with not working.

So my point is similar to others here, show her the numbers. But if you’re ready and she isn’t, then pull the cord yourself and eventually she will too. Just find your own things to do so you don’t get bored or build your retirement around her.

Good Luck. You have saved nicely and deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labors.

 

[imnontrad]

I can understand this. I was apprehensive too even though I was told I could retire. She may be apprehensive because she will probably outlive you and she wants to ensure she will have enough income. In addition, she may not have any plans of what she wants to do in retirement.
There is a way to prove this. Ignore your work income and set a budget based on what you could get from your investments and your pensions. Make sure to put in "fudge factor" for expenses you would have upon leaving the workforce such as healthcare insurance.
Keep track of all your actual expenses plus your net worth. Then sit down each month and see how well you have done. Could you live within the money boundaries you set? Did your net worth go down? If your assets never increased another dime, how many months could you live on just what you have based on your expenses?
When she has the security of seeing the numbers, her anxiety will ease. But still, if she has no plans what she wants to do when retired or does not want the loss of identity or social aspect that a job provides, then those should be resolved before walking away.
(Yes I assumed a M/F couple because I associate the "DINK" acronym with that. But I think that my perspective would be the same no matter what gender each partner self-identifies as.)

 

[sroby2020]

We were FI in our early 50's but chose to continue working because we loved what we did, and it paid well. A few years later, management and policy changes gave us more reason to retire, so we did. We've retired now for 5+ years and wouldn't go back.

The transition into full retirement was a bit of a mental shock, as we didn't really know what to do with our time. It took a few months to settle into a new routine. I would expect that everyone goes through the mental challenges just after retirement.

 

[Golden sunsets]

Most posters here are male. Absent clarity that is usually my assumption. I find it awkward to refer to someone as "the spouse", but perhaps that is just me.

Most posters here are male. How did you arrive at that conclusion?