"I suggested that since she hadn't had a job for 30 years maybe it was her turn and he could stay home."
I find this attitude confusing. Not having children myself, I just assume that parents place great value on the care, feeding, clothing, and emotional nurturing of their children. But here we have the suggestion that the stay-at-home mom's contribution doesn't count as 'work." I've heard my father say much the same thing to my mother when they argue, so this attitude is not unusual.
However, according to the quote below, (and any number of these surveys done over the years), the annual value of a stay-at-home mom's work is $134,121
REUTERS
May 4, 2006
NEW YORK – A full-time, stay-at-home mother would earn $134,121 a year if paid for all her work, an amount similar to a top U.S. advertising executive, a marketing director or a judge, according to a study released yesterday.
A mother who works outside the home would earn an extra $85,876 annually on top of her actual wages for the work she does at home, according to the study by Salary.com, a Massachusetts-based compensation analysis company
I also get confused by our tendency to forget what has come before, and to view the current situation as though it had no connection to the past. Here are a few examples to remind us:
I took the ASVAB test and enlisted in the Navy 30 years ago. In later years a recruiter told me that my test scores would have sent me straight to officer candidate school -- if I'd been a man.
My friend and realtor applied for a job managing a local country club 30 years ago -- she was turned down despite qualifications because she was "too attractive and might cause trouble with the married men." This kept her out of a well-paying job, but it didn't stop the club from offering her the low-paying position of the new hire's assistant. (She turned it down, he skipped town later with $100K of the club's funds...)
My mother-in-law desperately wanted to work once her kids were out of school -- her husband refused to hear anything about it. This was the same man who uprooted her regularly for the needs of his career, looked at potential houses without her input, and died recently leaving her with no clue as to what they had, where it was, etc.
My father has been retired for 20 years now - he's loving it, but my mother's work has not changed. In all that time he still has not learned to cook, to clean, or to otherwise life a finger around the house. I asked him how to set the dishwasher last week -- he had absolutely NO idea.
I could go on here, but you get the picture. Whether you like it or not it was a LOT harder for a woman to find work 30 years ago. It was and IS harder for her to make the same money as a man, and it is HARD, VALUABLE work to raise children, keep house, and today, hold down a job as well.
I have been fortunate enough to be able to attend college, learn a trade, and make a good salary. I have saved a lot more money than has my partner, and I will be entirely in control of my own retirement. I have no dog in this fight.
But we've all seen couples who work together toward retirement and other life goals, and couples who work at cross purposes. These couples you cite seem to be in the latter bucket. The wives seem to want to put their comfort and luxury above their husbands' desire for freedom and rest.
I'd suggest, though, that they might fail to appreciate their husbands' needs now because their own needs and contributions were devalued over their working lives.