When the other set of in-laws ignore Virus Guidelines and Governor Stay At Home Order

[Chuckanut]

Alas, one thing I have learned is thinking "It goes without saying that..." is right up there with 'assume'. ASSUME = When you assume things you make an ASS out of U and ME.

A while back a friend of mine helped a niece buy a more reliable car she needed for work. He assumed she would sell her old beater car and give him the money to pay back at least part of the money he provided. Instead she gave the old beater to her current boyfriend. Live and learn.

 

[Sanstar]

After 6 weeks of strict isolation we have begun taking our 16 mos old grandson on walks around his neighborhood. Social distancing with everyone (including his parents) masks on at all times, frequent hand sanitizing. No going into his home, no picking him up, no hugs and kisses. Hold hands and walk to count cars, spy cats, watch the occasional airplane, skip, jump and play, “I spy with my eye”.

DS is a work from home dad, DIL works outdoors with a small team who are following all precautions. Our community’s numbers are improving, the governor is taking steps to open businesses. I was feeling increasingly sad and not sleeping well in spite of taking walks, meditating, deep breathing, ect. All much better with our little 45 min or so daily walk with grandson. When we get home, we wash hands, all clothes and masks go into washer and we take hot showers.

I know we are taking a risk and hope we won’t regret our walks. Then I call my sister and learn what steps her family members are taking. She provides daily childcare for her 4 y.o. GS. Basically, nothing. She is resigned to knowing if one gets sick, they all will. Our daily walk feels pretty conservative/ cautious in comparison.

 

[KM]

KM, Oh my! - You guys changed plans and agree to help them out with lost babysitting when needed..sort of keeping your circle contained to include your grandchildren. You did not agree to have that circle infiltrated by the other grandmother who works in a public place nor did it start that way.

Sometimes it amazes me that when our children try to be straight line fair, the result can often be that it is not. Straight lines don't allow for the nuanced squiggles. Sort of like " we changed our plans to be able to do this, have been doing and containing it for weeks and she is exposed to all sorts of people in the public and we are not" and now WE have to decide "if we are comfortable with that? and exposed to "her exposures". I am so sorry.

What are they doing for babysitting now since other grandmother is only doing it on her days off?

I have no idea what they are doing. We don’t discuss it. They said they were “prepared for us to opt out if we wanted”, so they must have figured something out with their employers in terms of juggling shifts? Either that or maybe they’re burning some vacation time? FMLA?

I’m pretty sure we were much more upset about it than they were, because we made sacrifices to be there. I think they were upset that we were upset (because they didn’t think we should have been? I dunno...). We’ll certainly tread a lot more carefully next time.

But thank you for this thread. It helps to know we’re not the only people in the world who has to deal with “other grandparents” who have different agendas.

 

[JustCurious]

I think caution is warranted, to slow things down, but if you think doing all of this will absolutely prevent you from ever getting this virus, I think you are kidding yourself. The idea is to slow things down to allow for the healthcare system to deal with it. Eventually, people will have to visit one another, or see one another at distances closer than 10 or 20 ft. As is fairly evident from other virus history, (cold, flu, etc) there is 99.9% chance there will NOT be a 100%, or even 75% effective vaccine. People can't stay locked up forever.

I agree.

 

[Venturer]

This string hits close for me as well. We have been staying in except for grocer/medical runs. My problem began 2 weeks ago when one of my brothers called to see if we could take my older sis to her Dr. appointment. Against my better judgement but to keep peace in family we did it. All wearing our masks,not going inside with her,sitting outside in our car and just delivering her back home.Now 3 days ago he called again to see if we could come down to her condo and "sit" with her a couple of days a week to relieve him,since the Dr. recommended someone be there in case she fell or something because her new medicine is so strong.She has cancer and is receiving radiation. I don't feel comfortable about doing this because she also has other friends ,church members come by semi regularly to pray and visit.I ask him if the other brothers were helping too and his answer was that 2 of the other 3 were working and we were the only ones retired with nothing to do. I really am afraid that she is at higher risk of being infected and not knowing it. His opinion is since we didn't get anything when we carried her to Dr. then we would be ok now too. This is a quandary for me, as my wife doesn't want us to do it and knowing some of the others in family I would be the bad guy if we don't.

 

[ivinsfan]

I don't know if you would be the bad guy, two of your siblings are in a tough spot. Not a ton of empathy coming through here.

Your sister is going through a life threatening illness during horrible times, lives alone and needs help. You say your wife doesn't want you to do this, do you want to do it? If you want to and your wife doesn't pack your stuff and go stay at your sisters for a couple of weeks...

This kind of situation is going to pop up everywhere and people need to figure out what course of action they can live with. For me virus or no, I couldn't leave a sibling or anyone else in my family alone in time of critical need.

 

[sheehs1]

I have no idea what they are doing. We don’t discuss it. They said they were “prepared for us to opt out if we wanted”, so they must have figured something out with their employers in terms of juggling shifts? Either that or maybe they’re burning some vacation time? FMLA?

I’m pretty sure we were much more upset about it than they were, because we made sacrifices to be there. I think they were upset that we were upset (because they didn’t think we should have been? I dunno...). We’ll certainly tread a lot more carefully next time.

But thank you for this thread. It helps to know we’re not the only people in the world who has to deal with “other grandparents” who have different agendas.

You are welcome KM. It has helped me as well so I am glad I posted about it. You guys did make sacrifices to be there. For those of us that sacrifice sometimes it seems we are either taken for granted or get the shorter end of the stick. Maybe not all the time but often enough. I guess not all sacrifices are viewed as such

There has been more backlash since my post and other mother-in-law has blocked me on FB. I am not a huge FB user, certainly not as much as "other mother-in-law" who daily or multiple times a day documents her life, her children lives and her grandchildren lives (also some of mine) on FB. She was the one that Friend Requested me 9 years ago. I made a decision then not to post on her FB although she is all over my daughter's. I just wanted to respect the "Gramma Boundaries" a bit. She has often breached my boundaries by taking and downloading my pictures of the grandchildren I would post, and post them on her own page. The most recent being a picture I took of my grandchildren during my last visit before COVID19 shut down. I was always surprised she would do this. Mainly because she takes and posts hundreds of pictures of her own. Why take mine...ya know? Especially without asking.

When I told my daughter about the block and after "other mother-in-law" replied, "she blocked me first" and after DD and son-in-law "investigated a bit" it was determined that "other mother-in-law" fibbed. My daughter calls it a lie. You can not block someone on FB that blocked you first as you can not find them to do so.

Before anyone draws the wrong conclusion just know, i posted on FB a thanks to all for those wishing me Happy Birthday, that it made my day as I spent it without family, a testament to all of my other Gramma friends posting about missing their grandchildren during COVID19 and spending their birthdays and days without family to keep their families safe, a disclaimer for those whose family is in their daily lives and ended it with a "Stay Strong Friends". So...the other grandparents...took offense...saying I was targeting them...and she blocked me. I have told my daughter it was "not about them" but "they have made it about them". It was for all of my real friends who posted they too were missing their grandchildren.

While this may sound silly to some, I am upset for my daughter as she has been very upset as she now has to deal with the knowledge that her mother-inlaw blocked her own Mom on Facebook and lied about it.

 

[Gumby]

Once again, I give thanks for my simple life. Hang in there, sheehs. Time heals most wounds.

 

[sheehs1]

This string hits close for me as well. We have been staying in except for grocer/medical runs. My problem began 2 weeks ago when one of my brothers called to see if we could take my older sis to her Dr. appointment. Against my better judgement but to keep peace in family we did it. All wearing our masks,not going inside with her,sitting outside in our car and just delivering her back home.Now 3 days ago he called again to see if we could come down to her condo and "sit" with her a couple of days a week to relieve him,since the Dr. recommended someone be there in case she fell or something because her new medicine is so strong.She has cancer and is receiving radiation. I don't feel comfortable about doing this because she also has other friends ,church members come by semi regularly to pray and visit.I ask him if the other brothers were helping too and his answer was that 2 of the other 3 were working and we were the only ones retired with nothing to do. I really am afraid that she is at higher risk of being infected and not knowing it. His opinion is since we didn't get anything when we carried her to Dr. then we would be ok now too. This is a quandary for me, as my wife doesn't want us to do it and knowing some of the others in family I would be the bad guy if we don't.

Is it at all possible for everyone to chip in and hire someone to come sit with her.? Would you even be able to find anyone willing to do it during this time due to COVID19? Professional "at home" caretakers? Or how about a monitor or Ring or whatever devices it would be to let you know if she fell or needed help? Or is this more about providing "company" for her?

Seems to me all siblings might need to be involved in solving this issue while also providing for your older sister. Perhaps this is an opportunity to open the conversation up to all.

This is indeed a tough one. I don't think you should have to risk yourselves considering all that is going on with COVID19 nor do I think your sister would want you to.

 

[sheehs1]

Once again, I give thanks for my simple life. Hang in there, sheehs. Time heals most wounds.

Thank you so much Gumby. I try to focus on the simple things, really dislike Drama and complications and the older I get, the more that is true.

 

[Sunset]

.....
Bottom line, the hard lessons I learned were:
1) be clear on what you are offering and your conditions for that offer, if there are any. ...

2) you can express your opinion, but in the end you have to let your kids make their own decisions. This one is by far the hardest to accept when grandkids are involved.

Next pandemic, I’ll be much better prepared.....

Nothing like being optimistic

 

[KM]

There has been more backlash since my post and other mother-in-law has blocked me on FB

What is she? Twelve years old? *

FB can be way more effort than it’s worth sometimes. But look at the bright side. Now that she’s blocked you, you can unfriend her. [emoji16]

 

[sheehs1]

What is she? Twelve years old? ��*

FB can be way more effort than it’s worth sometimes. But look at the bright side. Now that she’s blocked you, you can unfriend her. [emoji16]

Probably 11 years old. I don't know but there have been a string of social and boundary missteps the last 8 years. I have wanted to unfriend her in the past because she is tiring on FB but would not do it because I understood the consequences. So I simply ignored her never posting on her FB.

I would unfriend her if I could! Problem is when someone has blocked you, you can not find them to unfriend! So this has definitely been a lesson in the idiosyncrasies of Facebook blocking!

 

[frances]

Wow.
I'm a little late to this party, but OP - seems like your daughter's in-laws are just a tad selfish. Flaunting the government's requests for social distancing and purposely hiking closed trails? Around here people are being greeted with tickets that cost money for that type of activity.

I'm in Georgia, and as most everyone has heard there are some places that have been allowed to open by our governor. Supposed to still "social distance", but I can't see how that's an option for a haircut.... There is lots of noise here both for and against things being opened up.

I personally think it's what needs to start happening. Heard of a local survey recently that said of the restaurants surveyed 40% do NOT expect to be able to reopen. Sad on so many levels.

Far too many people are (IMO) looking to the government for support. If the lock downs continue where do you think we'll be in another 3, 4, 6 months? If the government does decide to keep printing money, well, I don't even really want to think too hard about the consequences of that. Look at what happened to Greece when 60+ percent of their population was on the government payroll....

We can have a conversation about the people here who are going out, getting things done like they need to, but are ignoring the suggestions of wearing masks and staying home if they feel sick. Some places here (so far as I can tell mostly doctors' offices, and the company my husband is contracting for has it happening) are stationing nurses in PPE at their doors and anyone coming in gets a temperature check and has to fill out a questionnaire about "have you had symptoms, have you been exposed to your knowledge", etc.

And then there's the assisted living facilities. My 88-Y-O mom is in one. They have been locked down now for four weeks. No end in sight. And in her facility an employee just tested positive after a resident had tested positive having just come back from a hospital visit, which was prompted by a fall. So EVERYONE got tested and they now are no longer allowed out of their rooms for 14 days yet again. Mom is one of the lucky ones - she has a door to the outside with a patio....
<sigh>

I for one am wearing a mask when I go out for groceries and using hand sanitizer when I get back to my car. My mom wants me to sneak in her AL room since she has a door to the outside but I refuse to do that - if she comes down sick and it's discovered that I've been in there, well, guess who gets the blame even if I don't get sick (because there have been very mild cases reported).

It's all very frustrating, but it seems we have a strangely weird "normal" now. Or should we even dare to think of it that way?

 

[frances]

...


Next pandemic, I’ll be much better prepared.....

And sadly you can be absolutely sure there IS going to be another pandemic.
I just hope it's not any time soon...

 

[sheehs1]

Thanks for the long post frances. Yes, have heard GA is opening up a bit. May be a good test because some of the customers may arrive and some may not. I, for one, am not changing anything I do but then I am in Va and our governor is different from yours. Under pressure I think he will relax some of the rules but am just not sure yet.
The nation will be waiting with bated breath to see what happens with those states currently opening up a bit. As you said there will be small businesses that won't come back from this but hopefully those owners with their entrepreneurial spirit will start again. The reduction in GDP today is telling since that number did not capture what I think will be the worst months (2nd quarter).
Hope your Mom is able to stay safe in her assisted living facility and she is indeed fortunate to have a door to an outside patio!
This will probably be our "weird normal" for a while.

 

[audreyh1]

And then there's the assisted living facilities. My 88-Y-O mom is in one. They have been locked down now for four weeks. No end in sight. And in her facility an employee just tested positive after a resident had tested positive having just come back from a hospital visit, which was prompted by a fall. So EVERYONE got tested and they now are no longer allowed out of their rooms for 14 days yet again. Mom is one of the lucky ones - she has a door to the outside with a patio....
<sigh>

Wow, that’s just so disappointing that a resident brought covid-19 from the hospital to the assisted living home!

I know it’s tough! But I guess you have got to quarantine residents that go to the hospital.

But employees still have to interact with them and care for them.

 

[frances]

Wow, that’s just so disappointing that a resident brought covid-19 from the hospital to the assisted living home!

I know it’s tough! But I guess you have got to quarantine residents that go to the hospital.

But employees still have to interact with them and care for them.

Yup. The facility had already been locked down since our governor had locked the state down 4 weeks ago, so no one was supposed to be leaving except for "medically necessary" appointments. So I suspect the virus did in fact come from the hospital visit. Very scary.

I did get news today that my mom's test came back negative, so for now she's OK. One employee and three "outside providers" (which I think are hospice workers) tested positive and are not allowed back until they have two negative tests in a row. The employee is going to be paid their full-time wages, so they're covered. I don't know how the "outside providers" will be handled.

Now fingers crossed that everyone else in the facility comes back negative.

 

[candrew]

@sheehs1 - we just finished a video chat with our DIL and DS. DIL told us that her parents, who live in the neighboring state of Cali, are coming to visit them over the Memorial Day weekend because "[they] we miss the grandchildren".

Like you, DW & I have been following the prescriptive measures as established by the CDC, virus task force and our governor. We too miss our grandkids, yet realize there is a greater good to be served right now by all of us doing our parts in being socially responsible.

DW & I both did face palms after this morning's video chat ended. DIL and our DS are both intelligent people and themselves have been following protocols to remain safe. Out of the sole desire of "keeping the peace", our son won't push back on this. And there's no use in us saying anything about it, either.

Our DIL also happens to be 5 months pregnant. That fact alone deserves double face palms.

 

[sheehs1]

@sheehs1 - we just finished a video chat with our DIL and DS. DIL told us that her parents, who live in the neighboring state of Cali, are coming to visit them over the Memorial Day weekend because "[they] we miss the grandchildren".

Like you, DW & I have been following the prescriptive measures as established by the CDC, virus task force and our governor. We too miss our grandkids, yet realize there is a greater good to be served right now by all of us doing our parts in being socially responsible.

DW & I both did face palms after this morning's video chat ended. DIL and our DS are both intelligent people and themselves have been following protocols to remain safe. Out of the sole desire of "keeping the peace", our son won't push back on this. And there's no use in us saying anything about it, either.

Our DIL also happens to be 5 months pregnant. That fact alone deserves double face palms.

candrew, Thank you for sharing about this! I will do double face palms for you and your wife!

It almost makes one wonder what good we are doing by trying to play by the rules when the other set of grandparents are not...ya know? Except we are (1) protecting ourselves and them or at least doing what we can and (2) if anyone gets sick we know it isn't from us. As I said to my daughter and son-in-law, if that happened I could not live with myself. (and vice versa).

In my case, I had no warning. Night before they said they told his parents "No". Next morning, text from daughter was "they are coming anyway"- from states away having never abided by the travel or stay at homes orders.